Forced into a "Healing Circle"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:During the healing circle say that you are feeling vilified and attacked. And that going forward you want both sets of bosses to be on all emails and communications.

+1
Don’t apologise don’t explain pull that stunt above than go Gray Rock

[Anonymous]

And then, today, I got an email from someone else in their organization inviting me to a "healing circle" and asking that I fill out a form with my I-statements and talking about how we were going to get together in a safe space to discuss issues that are "causing harm."

My response would be, "I'm not sure what you are asking me to do, but unfortunately, I don't have time to respond to this due to my other work obligations. Looking forward to the facilitated call."

[Anonymous]

I don’t think people realize the construct of rank across organizations is really messy, especially in the non-profit world. The more “junior” person could have substantial expertise or local credibility that is important to her organization. The sister organization coming in and pulling rank is analogous to HQ dictating to local markets in a more traditional organization

So what? Every time someone has attitude at work, you're going to have a facilitated call and questionnarie? That sounds insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t think people realize the construct of rank across organizations is really messy, especially in the non-profit world. The more “junior” person could have substantial expertise or local credibility that is important to her organization. The sister organization coming in and pulling rank is analogous to HQ dictating to local markets in a more traditional organization

So what? Every time someone has attitude at work, you're going to have a facilitated call and questionnarie? That sounds insufferable.

Let's be clear here. It was OP who had the attitude at work. And, apparently if you want to work in her industry, it is what you have to do.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I am reading all of your responses. I am leaning towards the advice above a 14:00 and 14:11.

"I am not sure what a healing circle is and do not have time to complete the assignments you sent me, but I am looking forward to the facilitated call."

[Anonymous]

I don’t think people realize the construct of rank across organizations is really messy, especially in the non-profit world. The more “junior” person could have substantial expertise or local credibility that is important to her organization. The sister organization coming in and pulling rank is analogous to HQ dictating to local markets in a more traditional organization


So what? Every time someone has attitude at work, you're going to have a facilitated call and questionnarie? That sounds insufferable.


Let's be clear here. It was OP who had the attitude at work. And, apparently if you want to work in her industry, it is what you have to do.

I assumed it was here. What are you clarfiying? Or should we wait for a healing circle to get that straight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t think people realize the construct of rank across organizations is really messy, especially in the non-profit world. The more “junior” person could have substantial expertise or local credibility that is important to her organization. The sister organization coming in and pulling rank is analogous to HQ dictating to local markets in a more traditional organization


So what? Every time someone has attitude at work, you're going to have a facilitated call and questionnarie? That sounds insufferable.


Let's be clear here. It was OP who had the attitude at work. And, apparently if you want to work in her industry, it is what you have to do.

I assumed it was here. What are you clarfiying? Or should we wait for a healing circle to get that straight?

This is OP. I didn't have an attitude, but I did pull rank. The successful implementation of the program is ultimately my responsibility. She was not in the right sending an email to people that I manage directing them to change client services based on solely on her opinions alone. Rather than owning her own arrogance and mistake, she is making this about me. And obviously having some success as we all bend over backwards to be sensitive to people's feelings. I bet men never have to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t think people realize the construct of rank across organizations is really messy, especially in the non-profit world. The more “junior” person could have substantial expertise or local credibility that is important to her organization. The sister organization coming in and pulling rank is analogous to HQ dictating to local markets in a more traditional organization


So what? Every time someone has attitude at work, you're going to have a facilitated call and questionnarie? That sounds insufferable.


Let's be clear here. It was OP who had the attitude at work. And, apparently if you want to work in her industry, it is what you have to do.

I assumed it was here. What are you clarfiying? Or should we wait for a healing circle to get that straight?

This is OP. I didn't have an attitude, but I did pull rank. The successful implementation of the program is ultimately my responsibility. She was not in the right sending an email to people that I manage directing them to change client services based on solely on her opinions alone. Rather than owning her own arrogance and mistake, she is making this about me. And obviously having some success as we all bend over backwards to be sensitive to people's feelings. I bet men never have to deal with this.

Pulling rank publicly is a risky maneuver. More people are realizing that relative rank is not always based on competence and may be the result of privilege alone.

You need to figure out how to collaborate effectively, and that isn’t based on rank.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am reading all of your responses. I am leaning towards the advice above a 14:00 and 14:11.

"I am not sure what a healing circle is and do not have time to complete the assignments you sent me, but I am looking forward to the facilitated call."

Are you trying to be difficult? Do you want to get fired? Do you want to be pulled in to a meeting with your supervisor and potentially HR?

You will be the sacrificial lamb if the other org gets more upset and your org sides with them or simply wants to keep the peace. Your org isn’t defending you, which is telling; they’ve already decided you were at fault OR defending you isn’t worth the hassle since their goal is to preserve the business relationship.

I work in the nonprofit world. I understand how things work with collaborative projects, providers and consultants.Your rank stops in your org; outside collaborators are not your subordinate. Period. I’ve seen people let go in similar situations to preserve a project or relationship. Trust me: everyone is replaceable.

I would play ball. I would get on a zoom call with my supervisor to see where she stands. I would act confused (I’m not sure why Jane got so upset. I really like Jane and I think we’re working well together. I only meant to weigh in. Do you think I screwed up? I want to fix this—thoughts on next steps?)

Of course, the next step is the healing circle. Hopefully your boss has your back and you two can go through the motions with a smile on your face and get things back on track.

The key is to not be defensive. When you get defensive, they’ll continue to debate and criticize you. You can’t win.

Instead, be humble, kind, mildly apologetic and stay calm and positive.

When she says she didn’t feel heard, you say, “Gosh Jane, I’m so sorry. I truly didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Emails sometimes carry a tone that wasn’t intended. Please believe I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I enjoy working with you and your org, and I think we’re making great progress together on the project. Again, apologies. Shall we talk about the next steps with the project?”

But you sound really defensive. If you can’t play nice, this healing circle could end up being a firing squad that paints you as a jerk. If that happens, you could be reprimanded or let go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am reading all of your responses. I am leaning towards the advice above a 14:00 and 14:11.

"I am not sure what a healing circle is and do not have time to complete the assignments you sent me, but I am looking forward to the facilitated call."

Are you trying to be difficult? Do you want to get fired? Do you want to be pulled in to a meeting with your supervisor and potentially HR?

You will be the sacrificial lamb if the other org gets more upset and your org sides with them or simply wants to keep the peace. Your org isn’t defending you, which is telling; they’ve already decided you were at fault OR defending you isn’t worth the hassle since their goal is to preserve the business relationship.

I work in the nonprofit world. I understand how things work with collaborative projects, providers and consultants.Your rank stops in your org; outside collaborators are not your subordinate. Period. I’ve seen people let go in similar situations to preserve a project or relationship. Trust me: everyone is replaceable.

I would play ball. I would get on a zoom call with my supervisor to see where she stands. I would act confused (I’m not sure why Jane got so upset. I really like Jane and I think we’re working well together. I only meant to weigh in. Do you think I screwed up? I want to fix this—thoughts on next steps?)

Of course, the next step is the healing circle. Hopefully your boss has your back and you two can go through the motions with a smile on your face and get things back on track.

The key is to not be defensive. When you get defensive, they’ll continue to debate and criticize you. You can’t win.

Instead, be humble, kind, mildly apologetic and stay calm and positive.

When she says she didn’t feel heard, you say, “Gosh Jane, I’m so sorry. I truly didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Emails sometimes carry a tone that wasn’t intended. Please believe I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I enjoy working with you and your org, and I think we’re making great progress together on the project. Again, apologies. Shall we talk about the next steps with the project?”

But you sound really defensive. If you can’t play nice, this healing circle could end up being a firing squad that paints you as a jerk. If that happens, you could be reprimanded or let go.

I also work in an NGO and what you said above (bolded) is correct. Therefore the other woman should NOT be telling OP's team what to do. This is ridiculous and I would do the facilitated call and then, if I wasn't being supported by my org, get the f out. Life is too short to apologize to people when THEY ARE IN THE WRONG.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you have a choice and I think it's really noteworthy that your organization is supporting this Healing Circle. I would absolutely hate it. But, thing is, I kind of think you are lucky this is the direction it was went. Other organization could have said that they found your email wildly inappropriate (which I also do given that you put her in what you perceive to be her place in front of a group) and that they will no longer support the project if you are in your current role. Instead, they put in place a plan to try to salvage the relationship. I mean, even you admitted that you could see why the recipient of your email felt that she was being disrespected.

If it were me, in this environment and in the time of Covid, I would certainly take it seriously because I would want to hold on to my job. I would be careful with my responses. I wouldn't be playing any games as PP suggested because most people only think they are good at that sort of thing. I would be open to feedback but I would identify my own boundaries when it comes to working together in the future - but, of course, boundaries that offer each person the opportunity for a voice and that the other side will find acceptable. And, you need to apologize for calling her out in front of the group and agree that you won't do that again.

+1

I don’t think people realize the construct of rank across organizations is really messy, especially in the non-profit world. The more “junior” person could have substantial expertise or local credibility that is important to her organization. The sister organization coming in and pulling rank is analogous to HQ dictating to local markets in a more traditional organization.

It sounds like both parties erred- but the OP seemed to be focused on face and not meeting the customer’s needs.

So if you can’t see that and participate in good faith- maybe you should consider finding a new role.

You should also research healing circles- they have an interesting background for conflict resolution.

Interesting. So the healing circle concept is linked to the restorative justice they use in high schools now?

That was my inference, too. It sounds like just as much baloney in the work world as it is in schools.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I didn't have an attitude, but I did pull rank. The successful implementation of the program is ultimately my responsibility. She was not in the right sending an email to people that I manage directing them to change client services based on solely on her opinions alone. Rather than owning her own arrogance and mistake, she is making this about me. And obviously having some success as we all bend over backwards to be sensitive to people's feelings. I bet men never have to deal with this.

Hmm. I don't like things like a healing circle or facilitated calls, but you seem intend on putting this other woman in her place in a way that is unhealthy. Nobody likes men who do that either. I'm a 50 year old woman who has worked in many different organizations in my career, and I can say I've never had anyone react to the way that I've treated them this way. So I think it may be a you thing, vs. a gender thing.

[Anonymous]

I would play ball. I would get on a zoom call with my supervisor to see where she stands. I would act confused (I’m not sure why Jane got so upset. I really like Jane and I think we’re working well together. I only meant to weigh in. Do you think I screwed up? I want to fix this—thoughts on next steps?)

WHAT? It's fine to say you like Jane and want to move forward with building a constructive working relationship. However, to suggest that you may have screwed up or need to "fix" something is completely inappropriate. First, it is self-sabotaging. Second, it displays a lack of confidence. Just ask for input on how to maintain a working relationship with Jane going forward.

[Anonymous]

What are the races of the people involved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am reading all of your responses. I am leaning towards the advice above a 14:00 and 14:11.

"I am not sure what a healing circle is and do not have time to complete the assignments you sent me, but I am looking forward to the facilitated call."

Are you trying to be difficult? Do you want to get fired? Do you want to be pulled in to a meeting with your supervisor and potentially HR?

You will be the sacrificial lamb if the other org gets more upset and your org sides with them or simply wants to keep the peace. Your org isn’t defending you, which is telling; they’ve already decided you were at fault OR defending you isn’t worth the hassle since their goal is to preserve the business relationship.

I work in the nonprofit world. I understand how things work with collaborative projects, providers and consultants.Your rank stops in your org; outside collaborators are not your subordinate. Period. I’ve seen people let go in similar situations to preserve a project or relationship. Trust me: everyone is replaceable.

I would play ball. I would get on a zoom call with my supervisor to see where she stands. I would act confused (I’m not sure why Jane got so upset. I really like Jane and I think we’re working well together. I only meant to weigh in. Do you think I screwed up? I want to fix this—thoughts on next steps?)

Of course, the next step is the healing circle. Hopefully your boss has your back and you two can go through the motions with a smile on your face and get things back on track.

The key is to not be defensive. When you get defensive, they’ll continue to debate and criticize you. You can’t win.

Instead, be humble, kind, mildly apologetic and stay calm and positive.

When she says she didn’t feel heard, you say, “Gosh Jane, I’m so sorry. I truly didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Emails sometimes carry a tone that wasn’t intended. Please believe I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I enjoy working with you and your org, and I think we’re making great progress together on the project. Again, apologies. Shall we talk about the next steps with the project?”

But you sound really defensive. If you can’t play nice, this healing circle could end up being a firing squad that paints you as a jerk. If that happens, you could be reprimanded or let go.

Good advice