Children of divorce - how to decide where they live after 18?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Emotionally Unavailable Deadbeat here. Yes, that is the difference. I do not want my kids to succeed no matter what, nor do I think they are always entitled to my love and/or generosity. That being said, the constellation of privileges that they have received through the good fortune of being born to us is hard to describe. They are hitting the lottery with us every single day. It is up to them to make the most of it. I have told them that if they want to become sanitation workers then I will support them, as Dr. King adjured us, to be the best possible at it. I do not labor under any delusion that I am responsible for their happiness or success in life.

So if your child was well qualified for college and would financially be better off living with you for 4 years vs getting an appointment or living with the other parent and aquiring massive amounts of debt that could financially cripple them well into their 30s or even 40s.
You wouldn't let them stay with you through college because?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is sad. "You're 18. Now get out my house"

This is why divorce messes kids up. In intact families the parents continue to care about the kids and support them throughout college and beyond. Kids of divorce get parents who are willing to devote tens of thousands of dollars to lawyers so they can reduce child support by $100. It’s sad.

Some intact families continue to care for the kids, others don't. You are overgeneralizing. Child support in most states stops at 18 or graduation of high school. If you want continued help, then you need to deal with that parent and have a relationship with them. An alienated parent should have to pay for college or anything past 18. The custodial parent who alienated that parent should pay.

+1. If you want the other parent to pay for life long things, don’t spend your life trash talking them.

Thanks for making my point!

You’re setting conditions on being a parent to your kid, and looking for the way to spend the least amount of money. You’ve checked out of the parenting relationship.

Intact families look for ways to support the children. Yes, even when they’re teens and they’re pulling away and thus not emotionally fulfilling my every parental fantasy.

After divorce and child support and alimony, not everyone can afford to continue to pay child support and college. After divorce, some states only use the custodial parent's income for calculations so kids get heavy financial aid. Some kids by 18, terminate the relationship. If you choose not to have a relationship with your parent, you don't deserve to continue to be supported. I cannot imagine my husband's ex gave a dime to the kids post 18 despite continued child support to her for college. There are so many situations and you are making it fit your individual views without considering many factors. There is a difference from pulling away and kids will not speak or see the other parent.

If our kids terminate their relationship with us or don't live by our rules, as an intact family we will not pay for college. They understand its based off good grades (to the best of their ability), our relationship, their behavior and more.

Most parents cannot afford to help with college divorced or intact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My step daughter lived with us growing up, she visited her mom every other weekend and at her request.
My husband passed away when she way 17. She requested to stay with me and her younger siblings. Her mother gave me temporary custody until she turned 18.
She went to college and alternated between my house and her mother’s for holidays and stayed with me for summers. I moved several states away her senior year of college. She graduated and lives with me.

Honestly, it depends on the kid and what they want.

First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your DH. And you definitely stepped up for SD, imo.

You say it depends on what the kid wants. When does it become about what the parents want/need? I know I’ll get flamed for this, but I’m worn out. Dealing with BM has ground me down, I’ve done my best by DC and we just always are at odds. I kind of want to move my life forward - remodel the house, have a loving adult relationship, not have to constantly be nagging an adult child to do x, y, z.

As some people put it, I just don’t have the bandwidth.

Can’t you do all of that and allow adult child to stay during college breaks? Establish boundaries, but don’t outright say no. Teens change a lot between senior year and first few years of college. My son has gone from being very a trying high schooler to an adult who I would consider a friend. It’s just not the same after they get some time away and mature a bit. Don’t close the door so quickly.

People like PP closed the door the minute the separation agreement went into effect. They were just waiting until it was legally and socially acceptable to walk away.

Or, parents keep the door open, many court hearings, may unused plane tickets, spent a fortune in attorneys and the other parent continues to block any form of communication despite court orders as there are no consequences for custodial parents to comply. So, when kids turn 18, why would a parent keep fighting to keep a kid in their life when they haven't been a parent, not by choice for many years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My children will always have a bedroom in my home.

My ExH will also always ha be a guest room in his house so our children have a place to sleep need be.

My oldest went to college but came home summers and lived at home 1 year after graduation. then again for 1 year saving a down payment.

I expect I will do the same for my other 2 children.

My house is always home base but they will also stay with their dad here and there.

I didn't "move on" from my children...wtf is that

+1. We still all consider my grandparents’ home as “our home” and my parents house is also my and my children’s home. And same will be with my home: it will always be there home too.

Now that my parents are divorced and changed greatly, I don't consider their home my home and I'd never ever go back and live with them even if I had no other options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Emotionally Unavailable Deadbeat here. Yes, that is the difference. I do not want my kids to succeed no matter what, nor do I think they are always entitled to my love and/or generosity. That being said, the constellation of privileges that they have received through the good fortune of being born to us is hard to describe. They are hitting the lottery with us every single day. It is up to them to make the most of it. I have told them that if they want to become sanitation workers then I will support them, as Dr. King adjured us, to be the best possible at it. I do not labor under any delusion that I am responsible for their happiness or success in life.

You think it’s tough love but it’s not.... just like beating your kids to prepare them for a tough world out there... it doesn’t work.

You are misguided.

Love is not equal to money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My children will always have a bedroom in my home.

My ExH will also always ha be a guest room in his house so our children have a place to sleep need be.

My oldest went to college but came home summers and lived at home 1 year after graduation. then again for 1 year saving a down payment.

I expect I will do the same for my other 2 children.

My house is always home base but they will also stay with their dad here and there.

I didn't "move on" from my children...wtf is that

+1. We still all consider my grandparents’ home as “our home” and my parents house is also my and my children’s home. And same will be with my home: it will always be there home too.

Now that my parents are divorced and changed greatly, I don't consider their home my home and I'd never ever go back and live with them even if I had no other options.

That’s unfortunate but definitely should not be parents goal... to have kids that would never turn to you in a time of need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My step daughter lived with us growing up, she visited her mom every other weekend and at her request.
My husband passed away when she way 17. She requested to stay with me and her younger siblings. Her mother gave me temporary custody until she turned 18.
She went to college and alternated between my house and her mother’s for holidays and stayed with me for summers. I moved several states away her senior year of college. She graduated and lives with me.

Honestly, it depends on the kid and what they want.

First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your DH. And you definitely stepped up for SD, imo.

You say it depends on what the kid wants. When does it become about what the parents want/need? I know I’ll get flamed for this, but I’m worn out. Dealing with BM has ground me down, I’ve done my best by DC and we just always are at odds. I kind of want to move my life forward - remodel the house, have a loving adult relationship, not have to constantly be nagging an adult child to do x, y, z.

As some people put it, I just don’t have the bandwidth.

Can’t you do all of that and allow adult child to stay during college breaks? Establish boundaries, but don’t outright say no. Teens change a lot between senior year and first few years of college. My son has gone from being very a trying high schooler to an adult who I would consider a friend. It’s just not the same after they get some time away and mature a bit. Don’t close the door so quickly.

People like PP closed the door the minute the separation agreement went into effect. They were just waiting until it was legally and socially acceptable to walk away.

Or, parents keep the door open, many court hearings, may unused plane tickets, spent a fortune in attorneys and the other parent continues to block any form of communication despite court orders as there are no consequences for custodial parents to comply. So, when kids turn 18, why would a parent keep fighting to keep a kid in their life when they haven't been a parent, not by choice for many years.

Because money isn't the end all of parenting. Because you created this person and you might get the chance to know them without the courts or the other parent interfering. If you really want to know this kid and claim you have been fighting to do so, why would you say FU when arguably it just became easier to have a relationship?

Maybe you can't afford school, but maybe them staying with you will make things more affordable for them, make getting to class easier. Maybe he/ she wants the chance to know you.
Now's the time to take the chance not when you're 80 on your deathbed regret and try to get your then 40 something year old child to give you a chance

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced during my freshman year of college. I lived with my dad that first summer, then never lived with either of them again. I got a job and lived in dorms. Split breaks between parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My step daughter lived with us growing up, she visited her mom every other weekend and at her request.
My husband passed away when she way 17. She requested to stay with me and her younger siblings. Her mother gave me temporary custody until she turned 18.
She went to college and alternated between my house and her mother’s for holidays and stayed with me for summers. I moved several states away her senior year of college. She graduated and lives with me.

Honestly, it depends on the kid and what they want.

First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your DH. And you definitely stepped up for SD, imo.

You say it depends on what the kid wants. When does it become about what the parents want/need? I know I’ll get flamed for this, but I’m worn out. Dealing with BM has ground me down, I’ve done my best by DC and we just always are at odds. I kind of want to move my life forward - remodel the house, have a loving adult relationship, not have to constantly be nagging an adult child to do x, y, z.

As some people put it, I just don’t have the bandwidth.

Can’t you do all of that and allow adult child to stay during college breaks? Establish boundaries, but don’t outright say no. Teens change a lot between senior year and first few years of college. My son has gone from being very a trying high schooler to an adult who I would consider a friend. It’s just not the same after they get some time away and mature a bit. Don’t close the door so quickly.

People like PP closed the door the minute the separation agreement went into effect. They were just waiting until it was legally and socially acceptable to walk away.

Or, parents keep the door open, many court hearings, may unused plane tickets, spent a fortune in attorneys and the other parent continues to block any form of communication despite court orders as there are no consequences for custodial parents to comply. So, when kids turn 18, why would a parent keep fighting to keep a kid in their life when they haven't been a parent, not by choice for many years.

Because money isn't the end all of parenting. Because you created this person and you might get the chance to know them without the courts or the other parent interfering. If you really want to know this kid and claim you have been fighting to do so, why would you say FU when arguably it just became easier to have a relationship?

Maybe you can't afford school, but maybe them staying with you will make things more affordable for them, make getting to class easier. Maybe he/ she wants the chance to know you.
Now's the time to take the chance not when you're 80 on your deathbed regret and try to get your then 40 something year old child to give you a chance

Maybe the door is open but the kids are so alienated that they don't want contact as they fear the primary parent. You don't get how alienation works. They don't suddenly turn 18 and want to be with the other parent. They have been taught that other parent is a horrible person and they don't really know that person when they were taken away at a young age. They don't know that parent was paying child support and a lot of extra's if Mom tells them Dad is a deadbeat and hides the fact she gets money, etc. You also assume the kids are calling asking to stay with the other parent which isn't how it works.

Sadly, after their behavior its hard to trust them or their motives after so many years and lies by the other parent and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My step daughter lived with us growing up, she visited her mom every other weekend and at her request.
My husband passed away when she way 17. She requested to stay with me and her younger siblings. Her mother gave me temporary custody until she turned 18.
She went to college and alternated between my house and her mother’s for holidays and stayed with me for summers. I moved several states away her senior year of college. She graduated and lives with me.

Honestly, it depends on the kid and what they want.

First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your DH. And you definitely stepped up for SD, imo.

You say it depends on what the kid wants. When does it become about what the parents want/need? I know I’ll get flamed for this, but I’m worn out. Dealing with BM has ground me down, I’ve done my best by DC and we just always are at odds. I kind of want to move my life forward - remodel the house, have a loving adult relationship, not have to constantly be nagging an adult child to do x, y, z.

As some people put it, I just don’t have the bandwidth.

Can’t you do all of that and allow adult child to stay during college breaks? Establish boundaries, but don’t outright say no. Teens change a lot between senior year and first few years of college. My son has gone from being very a trying high schooler to an adult who I would consider a friend. It’s just not the same after they get some time away and mature a bit. Don’t close the door so quickly.

People like PP closed the door the minute the separation agreement went into effect. They were just waiting until it was legally and socially acceptable to walk away.

Or, parents keep the door open, many court hearings, may unused plane tickets, spent a fortune in attorneys and the other parent continues to block any form of communication despite court orders as there are no consequences for custodial parents to comply. So, when kids turn 18, why would a parent keep fighting to keep a kid in their life when they haven't been a parent, not by choice for many years.

Because money isn't the end all of parenting. Because you created this person and you might get the chance to know them without the courts or the other parent interfering. If you really want to know this kid and claim you have been fighting to do so, why would you say FU when arguably it just became easier to have a relationship?

Maybe you can't afford school, but maybe them staying with you will make things more affordable for them, make getting to class easier. Maybe he/ she wants the chance to know you.
Now's the time to take the chance not when you're 80 on your deathbed regret and try to get your then 40 something year old child to give you a chance

Maybe the door is open but the kids are so alienated that they don't want contact as they fear the primary parent. You don't get how alienation works. They don't suddenly turn 18 and want to be with the other parent. They have been taught that other parent is a horrible person and they don't really know that person when they were taken away at a young age. They don't know that parent was paying child support and a lot of extra's if Mom tells them Dad is a deadbeat and hides the fact she gets money, etc. You also assume the kids are calling asking to stay with the other parent which isn't how it works.

Sadly, after their behavior its hard to trust them or their motives after so many years and lies by the other parent and kids.

By your own admission the child has been abused

Your response to that is to ignore them completely?


I'm well familiar with alienation.

I am also familiar with narcissistic people/ parents.

You'll have to sell your bridge to someone else.

[Anonymous]

NP here. Facing this myself with our dc this fall, who is college-bound. We are amicable, but I will tell you that the number one thing my kid is looking forward to in college is not having to switch houses ever again.

I've braced myself for years that this is their decision where to come home to for summer, breaks, etc., and that it might not be my house. But this is really just one of several versions of what happens when kids grow up and move away.

I have some salty feelings that I thought I'd dealt with years ago surfacing as our kid gets ready to go (other parent has the "fun" big house, I'm the one who actually put away money for college, for example), but I'm doing my best to vent them appropriately to my therapist and not my loved ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is sad. "You're 18. Now get out my house"

This is why divorce messes kids up. In intact families the parents continue to care about the kids and support them throughout college and beyond. Kids of divorce get parents who are willing to devote tens of thousands of dollars to lawyers so they can reduce child support by $100. It’s sad.

Some intact families continue to care for the kids, others don't. You are overgeneralizing. Child support in most states stops at 18 or graduation of high school. If you want continued help, then you need to deal with that parent and have a relationship with them. An alienated parent should have to pay for college or anything past 18. The custodial parent who alienated that parent should pay.

+1. If you want the other parent to pay for life long things, don’t spend your life trash talking them.

Thanks for making my point!

You’re setting conditions on being a parent to your kid, and looking for the way to spend the least amount of money. You’ve checked out of the parenting relationship.

Intact families look for ways to support the children. Yes, even when they’re teens and they’re pulling away and thus not emotionally fulfilling my every parental fantasy.

After divorce and child support and alimony, not everyone can afford to continue to pay child support and college. After divorce, some states only use the custodial parent's income for calculations so kids get heavy financial aid. Some kids by 18, terminate the relationship. If you choose not to have a relationship with your parent, you don't deserve to continue to be supported. I cannot imagine my husband's ex gave a dime to the kids post 18 despite continued child support to her for college. There are so many situations and you are making it fit your individual views without considering many factors. There is a difference from pulling away and kids will not speak or see the other parent.

If our kids terminate their relationship with us or don't live by our rules, as an intact family we will not pay for college. They understand its based off good grades (to the best of their ability), our relationship, their behavior and more.

Most parents cannot afford to help with college divorced or intact.

I'm divorced and a single mom and my kids are financially better off than yours. Intact or no. You jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Facing this myself with our dc this fall, who is college-bound. We are amicable, but I will tell you that the number one thing my kid is looking forward to in college is not having to switch houses ever again.

I've braced myself for years that this is their decision where to come home to for summer, breaks, etc., and that it might not be my house. But this is really just one of several versions of what happens when kids grow up and move away.

I have some salty feelings that I thought I'd dealt with years ago surfacing as our kid gets ready to go (other parent has the "fun" big house, I'm the one who actually put away money for college, for example), but I'm doing my best to vent them appropriately to my therapist and not my loved ones.

Same poster here. Should add that we are both absolutely keeping the door open to our child. Nobody's rushing to redo any rooms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My step daughter lived with us growing up, she visited her mom every other weekend and at her request.
My husband passed away when she way 17. She requested to stay with me and her younger siblings. Her mother gave me temporary custody until she turned 18.
She went to college and alternated between my house and her mother’s for holidays and stayed with me for summers. I moved several states away her senior year of college. She graduated and lives with me.

Honestly, it depends on the kid and what they want.

First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your DH. And you definitely stepped up for SD, imo.

You say it depends on what the kid wants. When does it become about what the parents want/need? I know I’ll get flamed for this, but I’m worn out. Dealing with BM has ground me down, I’ve done my best by DC and we just always are at odds. I kind of want to move my life forward - remodel the house, have a loving adult relationship, not have to constantly be nagging an adult child to do x, y, z.

As some people put it, I just don’t have the bandwidth.

Can’t you do all of that and allow adult child to stay during college breaks? Establish boundaries, but don’t outright say no. Teens change a lot between senior year and first few years of college. My son has gone from being very a trying high schooler to an adult who I would consider a friend. It’s just not the same after they get some time away and mature a bit. Don’t close the door so quickly.

People like PP closed the door the minute the separation agreement went into effect. They were just waiting until it was legally and socially acceptable to walk away.

Or, parents keep the door open, many court hearings, may unused plane tickets, spent a fortune in attorneys and the other parent continues to block any form of communication despite court orders as there are no consequences for custodial parents to comply. So, when kids turn 18, why would a parent keep fighting to keep a kid in their life when they haven't been a parent, not by choice for many years.

You don't have to keep fighting, just keep the door open. Why? Because 1) the teen will continue to grow and mature on their own, away from both parents, 2) it's never too late for the relationship to change and grow (on both sides), 3) adult child still need parents, and eventually parent may need adult child, 4) no matter what it's still your (or your spouses) kid, 5) some day you might want a relationship with grandkids.

What is wrong with keeping the door to the relationship open? Keep inviting them over. Even when financial obligations are over, relationships evolve and continue.

[Anonymous]

I already told my kid that I'm moving after she goes to college, and she'll always have a guest room to stay in if she needs it but she might no longer have her own room at my place. Her dad might be nicer. She'll always be welcome, but I want her to experience life on her own like I did, not assume she can boomerang back and live with me till she's 30.