Children of divorce - how to decide where they live after 18?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I already told my kid that I'm moving after she goes to college, and she'll always have a guest room to stay in if she needs it but she might no longer have her own room at my place. Her dad might be nicer. She'll always be welcome, but I want her to experience life on her own like I did, not assume she can boomerang back and live with me till she's 30.

Wow, why would you do that? Why not let her live with you a few years so she can save and buy a house?

Not PP - but because of this: https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2017/how-to-manage-your-boomerang-kids.html

"...parents have indulged children to the point where creature comforts are expected. "They don't want to live in a one-room efficiency above a store," she says. "They'd rather move back to a comfortable home with better sheets and better food." Her advice on how to manage boomerang children: Don't share the wealth. Many parents worked hard to earn a comfortable life, and their children expect them to share it. "When you hand them those comforts you're cheating them out of gaining self-confidence and pride when they achieve those things by working hard themselves.""

And, when you've got the dynamic of alienation - where one parent viewed the other as nothing more than a monthly check, while openly criticizing them for (gasp!) having different parenting views and just unilaterally making decisions under the constant threat of court battles, well - it's pretty obvious why they might not be super excited to want to keep "putting the kids first"...

IMO, the parent who could never let their little poopsiekins feel an ounce of discomfort can be the one who keeps giving them better sheets and better food. Or poopsiekins can live in a one-room efficiency, like the majority of us did once we came of age, were old enough to vote and die for our country.

Bizarre

It really is. I think it's possible to prepare your children for adulthood without throwing them to the wolves in an attempt to "toughen them up". 18 =legal adult, but I don't expect my kids to be fully functioning grown-ups at 18.

Maybe if you did expect them to be, they would be?

At 18, I expect my children to complete high school and enroll in college, a trade school, or join the workforce full-time. Just because I don't expect them to have all of the markers of adulthood by 18 is not the same as having no expectations of them as emerging adults. I'm not going to cripple my kids, but like I said in my PP, I'm not throwing them to the wolves, either. It's a fine balance - promoting independence while also providing a safety net - but it can be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - what is your issue? That you don't want your 18 year old living with you after he/she graduates and you want to force them to live at the other parents? Is it a problem kid? If so, I'd hate to think you are trying to make sure you aren't stuck with them. If you want them and aren't sure if the other parent does too, you should discuss it. But I hope you aren't trying to kick out a kid that used to live with you,

Not trying to force anything. Just trying to understand how to decide whether to offer or not.

If your kid is a responsible 18 year old, I don’t see why you wouldn’t offer? What’s his/her plan after graduation? Kicking a teen out at 18, or even saying “I don’t have room for you at my house”, is absolutely devastating to your relationship. Your goal as a parent is to get your teen to want, and have the ability to leave on their own. Many parents keep a room in their home for their kid to come home to during college breaks. If you can’t or don’t want to do that, start preparing now.

I understand - but there are two, separate bio parents in this situation. DC has always felt more comfortable with other parent - though that parent is further from university. Considering the challenges we had during the adolescent years (alienation) it would feel like I was just being used as a convenience...

You had a challenging relationship with your kid and believe it was due to the other parent’s alienation and now you are hesitating in offering to have the kid love with you during college because it might be too convenient? You have a chance to spend time with the kid as adults and maybe develop a relationship separate from ex-spouse but instead you’re inclined to see it as being used? I’d think if there was alienation you’d be jumping at the chance to show your kid the other parent was wrong about who you are and your feelings for the kid. If in fact the parent was wrong and you wanted to be more of a part of your kid’s life than you got to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Yeah really-I didn't work hard and build a nice life and home (nothing fancy but comfortable and nice) and family, just to get rid of them at 18.

You people aren't listening.

PP, you and other PP may very well have built a nice home and family - and if that is your experience, well, aren't you lucky?

Some people didn't experience such fortune. Some people have toxic, alienating exes, who did everything they could to suck us dry. There is nothing left, and, sadly, seeing the kids go at 18 is going to be a welcome respite.

Also, sadly, it's the only way we have of getting some leverage back over said toxic ex. She wanted it her way, with no compromise, for 12 years? Great, she can have it her way at 18. Sorry to sound like a jerk, but it's the truth.

So, ladies, you may want to think about all of that, before you start alienating your children from their fathers.

PREACH!

Wow. You guys hate your exes so much that in retaliation you’re going to refuse to have anything to do with your own adult children? Even though now that they’re 18 you actually have the chance to interact with them without the interference of the other parent? That’s f’d up. Really f’d up. Whatever you ex did to you, your child’s not responsible for that. When they’re 18 you finally have the chance to show them their mom was wrong about you. But instead, you’re going to wash your hands of them and, from their point of view, prove mom right. That’s real messed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - what is your issue? That you don't want your 18 year old living with you after he/she graduates and you want to force them to live at the other parents? Is it a problem kid? If so, I'd hate to think you are trying to make sure you aren't stuck with them. If you want them and aren't sure if the other parent does too, you should discuss it. But I hope you aren't trying to kick out a kid that used to live with you,

Not trying to force anything. Just trying to understand how to decide whether to offer or not.

If your kid is a responsible 18 year old, I don’t see why you wouldn’t offer? What’s his/her plan after graduation? Kicking a teen out at 18, or even saying “I don’t have room for you at my house”, is absolutely devastating to your relationship. Your goal as a parent is to get your teen to want, and have the ability to leave on their own. Many parents keep a room in their home for their kid to come home to during college breaks. If you can’t or don’t want to do that, start preparing now.

I understand - but there are two, separate bio parents in this situation. DC has always felt more comfortable with other parent - though that parent is further from university. Considering the challenges we had during the adolescent years (alienation) it would feel like I was just being used as a convenience...

You had a challenging relationship with your kid and believe it was due to the other parent’s alienation and now you are hesitating in offering to have the kid love with you during college because it might be too convenient? You have a chance to spend time with the kid as adults and maybe develop a relationship separate from ex-spouse but instead you’re inclined to see it as being used? I’d think if there was alienation you’d be jumping at the chance to show your kid the other parent was wrong about who you are and your feelings for the kid. If in fact the parent was wrong and you wanted to be more of a part of your kid’s life than you got to be.

Thankfully for you, you've never experienced alienation or the impact of it so you aren't going to understand that comment. Its not about proving the other parent wrong. Its not a competition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Yeah really-I didn't work hard and build a nice life and home (nothing fancy but comfortable and nice) and family, just to get rid of them at 18.

You people aren't listening.

PP, you and other PP may very well have built a nice home and family - and if that is your experience, well, aren't you lucky?

Some people didn't experience such fortune. Some people have toxic, alienating exes, who did everything they could to suck us dry. There is nothing left, and, sadly, seeing the kids go at 18 is going to be a welcome respite.

Also, sadly, it's the only way we have of getting some leverage back over said toxic ex. She wanted it her way, with no compromise, for 12 years? Great, she can have it her way at 18. Sorry to sound like a jerk, but it's the truth.

So, ladies, you may want to think about all of that, before you start alienating your children from their fathers.

The last child turning 18 was golden to us.

Can you help me understand why?

So many people want to make us wrong for feeling that way...

Why do you need to understand why? You probably would argue differently to anything I said.

PP here and...Oookay?

I (perhaps mistakenly?) read your post to mean that you valued them turning 18 and moving on into adulthood. We feel the same way - and it seems like people want to shame us for it. I was just looking for some inputs from someone who (I thought) had the same perception as us.

No, we valued that the child turned 18 so the mother had no reason to call or email (which was always demanding money she'd never spend on the kids as we'd agree on the condition we send it to the school or activity directly or buy the supplies, clothing or what ever else was demanded and have it shipped to them), or to complain about the kids (not sure what she wanted us to do when she wouldn't had over custody or allow visits or phone calls), no more wasting money on plane tickets that didn't get used, no more feeling obligated to call or email or text weekly for them not to be responded to, no more child support drama.....