Children of divorce - how to decide where they live after 18?
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Anonymous
Um NO. Not for a kid who is an adult. Her husband is not being fair to her to continue to allow it. |
Anonymous
Again, you’re certainly not alone. There are lots of deadbeat parents out there. If only those people had gotten a vasectomy, everyone would be better off... |
Anonymous
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OP, you can't unilaterally ban your stepchild from your home without very seriously alienating them! Obviously! It doesn't matter what other families do. It depends on the context and the nature of the relationship. If you're referring to her mother as "BM" you're clearly in a bad place as a step-parent.
You need to come to an agreement with your DH and present a united front to your stepchild. If your DH doesn't want to exclude his child, that's a DH problem. If you don't want to deal with this sort of thing you should not have married a man with children. It's unclear why you can't have a loving adult relationship if your stepchild is ever at your house. You are the adults here. How could a child of any age prevent you from loving your DH? Seems like you have a DH problem and not a stepchild problem. |
Anonymous
Can’t you do all of that and allow adult child to stay during college breaks? Establish boundaries, but don’t outright say no. Teens change a lot between senior year and first few years of college. My son has gone from being very a trying high schooler to an adult who I would consider a friend. It’s just not the same after they get some time away and mature a bit. Don’t close the door so quickly. |
Anonymous
What is BM? |
Anonymous
It is what stepmothers disdainfully call biological mothers when they want to be contemptuous of them. |
Anonymous
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If alienation has been at play, this could be a fresh opportunity for a better relationship on new footing. But you get to set the terms. We were pretty strict with my SD when she wanted to live with us after the end of her freshman year because she still was exclusively using us as an ATM and then expected to live with us rent free, responsibility free, with her own rules. We set some really basic adult expectations, like, clean up after yourself, don’t leave dishes in the sink, contribute to the household (like, buy toilet paper for the bathroom you use). But we added one that was a take it or leave it situation: we wanted her home on work nights by midnight or just text us by midnight to let us know that she wasn’t coming home. Otherwise, my husband couldn’t sleep. When she had her own place, he didn’t worry about her that much, and if she just said she was crashing at a friend’s or whatever it was NBD. But we would have gone crazy if she was staggering home every night at 2 and 3 am. She complained that it was a curfew and we made it clear that she could stay out all night if she wanted. We just weren’t willing to live with a habit of having to stay up late every night wondering when she would be home.
That was a dealbreaker for her after a couple of months (as was the expectation that she wash her own dishes promptly...that is, not 4 days later.) also, we wouldn’t let her get a dog. DH’s perspective was that living with us rent-free was a privilege for which we got to set the ground rules we were willing to live with. If she didn’t like them, she wasn’t forced to stay. after 2 months, she moved in with her mom and got a dog who proceeded to do thousands of dollars of damage to the rented townhome because she didn’t come home often enough to walk him and he was so lonely, he developed an anxiety disorder and started eating the drywall, poor thing. Mom put up with it (and dirty dishes, and lack of sleep) for two years, lost the whole security deposit, and was even more stressed than during the high school years. You don’t have to offer space as a free for all. If you’re willing to try it, lay down whatever reasonable ground rules you expect and make it clear that you will stick by them. If your SC doesn’t like it, he/she can find alternate housing. |
Anonymous
| In my experience they live with whichever parent has a new partner that they despise less. So you may be in the clear! |
Anonymous
So parents stop loving their kids when they turn 18? I love my kids and would want to provide for them for as long as I am alive. However, they have become successful on their own, are self-sufficient and have moved out of the house. Yes, it did not happen at 18, but it certainly happened at 25 when they had finished their studies etc. Kids should always have their parents love and generosity. You cannot just wash your hands off them. Of course, not talking about the kid who is dealing dope but rather who is doing what needs to be done - studies, internships, self improvement, building skills. Well adjusted kids do not want to take from their parents, but kids are no longer working in a factory the day after they graduate HS. |
Anonymous
| Oh, did not realize OP was a step-mother. No wonder. |
Anonymous
| This thread is sad. "You're 18. Now get out my house" |
Anonymous
 Do whatever you want with a step-kid. The worst already happened to them when their family broke and you got married to their dad. They are used to being dealt the shit hand!
I thought you were talking about children from loving, intact families who have always had love, affection and support from their parents. Apples and Oranges, really! |
Anonymous
I would think at this point that there are 3 adult parties to decide this with. All of their wants are part of the discussion. This is a good way to set your kids on the right adult path of responsibility! |
Anonymous
Do you want a relationship with your adult child? That's partly up to you. Why hold a grudge against a person for what they were like as a not-fully formed teenager whose life was blown up by his/her parents' dysfunction and divorce? I do think that is an unreasonable standard to hold your child to. Also, consider that the reality in this economic world is that a kid who gets a college degree is going to be better able to self-support; but until they get the degree, most will need some family support because you just can't earn enough as a full time student today to do better than merely survive. What do you want for your child? Mere survival or every change to excell in college and become something more than they are today? |
Anonymous
| The kid will always be the kid in the relationship and will always come first. That’s reality until about the time your in a nursing home. |