Reply to Children of divorce - how to decide where they live after 18?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My step daughter lived with us growing up, she visited her mom every other weekend and at her request. 
My husband passed away when she way 17. She requested to stay with me and her younger siblings. Her mother gave me temporary custody until she turned 18. 
She went to college and alternated between my house and her mother’s for holidays and stayed with me for summers. I moved several states away her senior year of college. She graduated and lives with me.

Honestly, it depends on the kid and what they want. [/quote]

First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your DH. And you definitely stepped up for SD, imo.

You say it depends on what the kid wants. When does it become about what the parents want/need? I know I’ll get flamed for this, but I’m worn out. Dealing with BM has ground me down, I’ve done my best by DC and we just always are at odds. I kind of want to move my life forward - remodel the house, have a loving adult relationship, not have to constantly be nagging an adult child to do x, y, z.

As some people put it, I just don’t have the bandwidth.[/quote]

Can’t you do all of that and allow adult child to stay during college breaks? Establish boundaries, but don’t outright say no. Teens change a lot between senior year and first few years of college. My son has gone from being very a trying high schooler to an adult who I would consider a friend. It’s just not the same after they get some time away and mature a bit.[b] Don’t close the door so quickly[/b].[/quote]

People like PP closed the door the minute the separation agreement went into effect. They were just waiting until it was legally and socially acceptable to walk away.

[/quote]

Or, parents keep the door open, many court hearings, may unused plane tickets, spent a fortune in attorneys and the other parent continues to block any form of communication despite court orders as there are no consequences for custodial parents to comply.  So, when kids turn 18, why would a parent keep fighting to keep a kid in their life when they haven't been a parent, not by choice for many years.[/quote]

Because money isn't the end all of parenting. Because you created this person and you might get the chance to know them without the courts or the other parent interfering.  If you really want to know this kid and claim you have been fighting to do so, why would you say FU when arguably it just became easier to have a relationship?

Maybe you can't afford school, but maybe them staying with you will make things more affordable for them, make getting to class easier. Maybe he/ she wants the chance to know you.
Now's the time to take the chance not when you're 80 on your deathbed regret and try to get your then 40 something year old child to give you a chance
[/quote]

Maybe the door is open but the kids are so alienated that they don't want contact as they fear the primary parent.  You don't get how alienation works. They don't suddenly turn 18 and want to be with the other parent.  They have been taught that other parent is a horrible person and they don't really know that person when they were taken away at a young age.  They don't know that parent was paying child support and a lot of extra's if Mom tells them Dad is a deadbeat and hides the fact she gets money, etc.  You also assume the kids are calling asking to stay with the other parent which isn't how it works.

Sadly, after their behavior its hard to trust them or their motives after so many years and lies by the other parent and kids.[/quote]

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