Children of divorce - how to decide where they live after 18?

[Anonymous]

Military or job and apartment or job and college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - what is your issue? That you don't want your 18 year old living with you after he/she graduates and you want to force them to live at the other parents? Is it a problem kid? If so, I'd hate to think you are trying to make sure you aren't stuck with them. If you want them and aren't sure if the other parent does too, you should discuss it. But I hope you aren't trying to kick out a kid that used to live with you,

Not trying to force anything. Just trying to understand how to decide whether to offer or not.

If your kid is a responsible 18 year old, I don’t see why you wouldn’t offer? What’s his/her plan after graduation? Kicking a teen out at 18, or even saying “I don’t have room for you at my house”, is absolutely devastating to your relationship. Your goal as a parent is to get your teen to want, and have the ability to leave on their own. Many parents keep a room in their home for their kid to come home to during college breaks. If you can’t or don’t want to do that, start preparing now.

[Anonymous]

Your child sounds overindulged and ungrateful.

[Anonymous]

My oldest wanted to stay. She’s never lived with her dad for more than two weeks. His wife made it clear that if she lived there, she was expected to provide free on-demand childcare for her younger half-siblings and step sibling. They tried to lure her into that deal again during college and immediately after college graduation by adding use of a family car, but it simply wasn’t attractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My oldest wanted to stay. She’s never lived with her dad for more than two weeks. His wife made it clear that if she lived there, she was expected to provide free on-demand childcare for her younger half-siblings and step sibling. They tried to lure her into that deal again during college and immediately after college graduation by adding use of a family car, but it simply wasn’t attractive.

Happy to hear you were there to support her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - what is your issue? That you don't want your 18 year old living with you after he/she graduates and you want to force them to live at the other parents? Is it a problem kid? If so, I'd hate to think you are trying to make sure you aren't stuck with them. If you want them and aren't sure if the other parent does too, you should discuss it. But I hope you aren't trying to kick out a kid that used to live with you,

Not trying to force anything. Just trying to understand how to decide whether to offer or not.

If your kid is a responsible 18 year old, I don’t see why you wouldn’t offer? What’s his/her plan after graduation? Kicking a teen out at 18, or even saying “I don’t have room for you at my house”, is absolutely devastating to your relationship. Your goal as a parent is to get your teen to want, and have the ability to leave on their own. Many parents keep a room in their home for their kid to come home to during college breaks. If you can’t or don’t want to do that, start preparing now.

I understand - but there are two, separate bio parents in this situation. DC has always felt more comfortable with other parent - though that parent is further from university. Considering the challenges we had during the adolescent years (alienation) it would feel like I was just being used as a convenience...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It stayed the same as when they were in high school - they had rooms in both homes.

For how long?

I promised my kids when they were little (yet old enough to understand) that they will always have a home wherever I have a home. My son gave up his bedroom when he went to med school. My daughter moved back in after college for law school. My son's room is called the guest room but he still stores two boxes of his things there in the closet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - what is your issue? That you don't want your 18 year old living with you after he/she graduates and you want to force them to live at the other parents? Is it a problem kid? If so, I'd hate to think you are trying to make sure you aren't stuck with them. If you want them and aren't sure if the other parent does too, you should discuss it. But I hope you aren't trying to kick out a kid that used to live with you,

Not trying to force anything. Just trying to understand how to decide whether to offer or not.

If your kid is a responsible 18 year old, I don’t see why you wouldn’t offer? What’s his/her plan after graduation? Kicking a teen out at 18, or even saying “I don’t have room for you at my house”, is absolutely devastating to your relationship. Your goal as a parent is to get your teen to want, and have the ability to leave on their own. Many parents keep a room in their home for their kid to come home to during college breaks. If you can’t or don’t want to do that, start preparing now.

I understand - but there are two, separate bio parents in this situation. DC has always felt more comfortable with other parent - though that parent is further from university. Considering the challenges we had during the adolescent years (alienation) it would feel like I was just being used as a convenience...

You should still offer. Even if it’s a convenient place to crash, it could lead to a new, better relationship.

[Anonymous]

My step daughter lived with us growing up, she visited her mom every other weekend and at her request.
My husband passed away when she way 17. She requested to stay with me and her younger siblings. Her mother gave me temporary custody until she turned 18.
She went to college and alternated between my house and her mother’s for holidays and stayed with me for summers. I moved several states away her senior year of college. She graduated and lives with me.

Honestly, it depends on the kid and what they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My college roommate’s parents filed as soon as they dropped her off freshman year. She went home for thanksgiving to the house on the market. She was told to pick which apartment she wanted her stuff at.

Came back completely stressed. Never went back home to live again. Short visits only, and each time she was worn out when she got back. Then we found an apartment for summer and stayed close to campus.

Yeah - I think waiting till the kids are out of HS and freshman in college is not alwats the best path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My step daughter lived with us growing up, she visited her mom every other weekend and at her request.
My husband passed away when she way 17. She requested to stay with me and her younger siblings. Her mother gave me temporary custody until she turned 18.
She went to college and alternated between my house and her mother’s for holidays and stayed with me for summers. I moved several states away her senior year of college. She graduated and lives with me.

Honestly, it depends on the kid and what they want.

First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your DH. And you definitely stepped up for SD, imo.

You say it depends on what the kid wants. When does it become about what the parents want/need? I know I’ll get flamed for this, but I’m worn out. Dealing with BM has ground me down, I’ve done my best by DC and we just always are at odds. I kind of want to move my life forward - remodel the house, have a loving adult relationship, not have to constantly be nagging an adult child to do x, y, z.

As some people put it, I just don’t have the bandwidth.

[Anonymous]

What’s BM?

[Anonymous]

If a kid is demanding and unwilling to behave as ‘trying’ at least, to be somewhat reasonable and responsible, why would a parent behave as a doormat?

That would be stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s BM?

Bio mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My step daughter lived with us growing up, she visited her mom every other weekend and at her request.
My husband passed away when she way 17. She requested to stay with me and her younger siblings. Her mother gave me temporary custody until she turned 18.
She went to college and alternated between my house and her mother’s for holidays and stayed with me for summers. I moved several states away her senior year of college. She graduated and lives with me.

Honestly, it depends on the kid and what they want.

First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your DH. And you definitely stepped up for SD, imo.

You say it depends on what the kid wants. When does it become about what the parents want/need? I know I’ll get flamed for this, but I’m worn out. Dealing with BM has ground me down, I’ve done my best by DC and we just always are at odds. I kind of want to move my life forward - remodel the house, have a loving adult relationship, not have to constantly be nagging an adult child to do x, y, z.

As some people put it, I just don’t have the bandwidth.

It’s never about what the parent wants - it’s always about what the kid needs.

Welcome to being a parent!

(Unless you’re a deadbeat)