Reply to Children of divorce - how to decide where they live after 18?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My step daughter lived with us growing up, she visited her mom every other weekend and at her request. 
My husband passed away when she way 17. She requested to stay with me and her younger siblings. Her mother gave me temporary custody until she turned 18. 
She went to college and alternated between my house and her mother’s for holidays and stayed with me for summers. I moved several states away her senior year of college. She graduated and lives with me.

Honestly, it depends on the kid and what they want. [/quote]

First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your DH. And you definitely stepped up for SD, imo.

You say it depends on what the kid wants. When does it become about what the parents want/need? I know I’ll get flamed for this, but I’m worn out. Dealing with BM has ground me down, I’ve done my best by DC and we just always are at odds. I kind of want to move my life forward - remodel the house, have a loving adult relationship, not have to constantly be nagging an adult child to do x, y, z.

As some people put it, I just don’t have the bandwidth.[/quote]

Can’t you do all of that and allow adult child to stay during college breaks? Establish boundaries, but don’t outright say no. Teens change a lot between senior year and first few years of college. My son has gone from being very a trying high schooler to an adult who I would consider a friend. It’s just not the same after they get some time away and mature a bit.[b] Don’t close the door so quickly[/b].[/quote]

People like PP closed the door the minute the separation agreement went into effect. They were just waiting until it was legally and socially acceptable to walk away.

[/quote]

Or, parents keep the door open, many court hearings, may unused plane tickets, spent a fortune in attorneys and the other parent continues to block any form of communication despite court orders as there are no consequences for custodial parents to comply.  So, when kids turn 18, why would a parent keep fighting to keep a kid in their life when they haven't been a parent, not by choice for many years.[/quote]

You don't have to keep fighting, just keep the door open. Why?  Because 1) the teen will continue to grow and mature on their own, away from both parents, 2) it's never too late for the relationship to change and grow (on both sides), 3) adult child still need parents, and eventually parent may need adult child, 4) no matter what it's still your (or your spouses) kid, 5) some day you might want a relationship with grandkids.

What is wrong with keeping the door to the relationship open? Keep inviting them over. Even when financial obligations are over, relationships evolve and continue. [/quote]

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