Children of divorce - how to decide where they live after 18?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is sad. "You're 18. Now get out my house"

This is why divorce messes kids up. In intact families the parents continue to care about the kids and support them throughout college and beyond. Kids of divorce get parents who are willing to devote tens of thousands of dollars to lawyers so they can reduce child support by $100. It’s sad.

Some intact families continue to care for the kids, others don't. You are overgeneralizing. Child support in most states stops at 18 or graduation of high school. If you want continued help, then you need to deal with that parent and have a relationship with them. An alienated parent should have to pay for college or anything past 18. The custodial parent who alienated that parent should pay.

+1. If you want the other parent to pay for life long things, don’t spend your life trash talking them.

Thanks for making my point!

You’re setting conditions on being a parent to your kid, and looking for the way to spend the least amount of money. You’ve checked out of the parenting relationship.

Intact families look for ways to support the children. Yes, even when they’re teens and they’re pulling away and thus not emotionally fulfilling my every parental fantasy.

After divorce and child support and alimony, not everyone can afford to continue to pay child support and college. After divorce, some states only use the custodial parent's income for calculations so kids get heavy financial aid. Some kids by 18, terminate the relationship. If you choose not to have a relationship with your parent, you don't deserve to continue to be supported. I cannot imagine my husband's ex gave a dime to the kids post 18 despite continued child support to her for college. There are so many situations and you are making it fit your individual views without considering many factors. There is a difference from pulling away and kids will not speak or see the other parent.

If our kids terminate their relationship with us or don't live by our rules, as an intact family we will not pay for college. They understand its based off good grades (to the best of their ability), our relationship, their behavior and more.

Most parents cannot afford to help with college divorced or intact.

I'm divorced and a single mom and my kids are financially better off than yours. Intact or no. You jerk.

Why do you have to name call? If your child has a father, you are single because you are not married but you are not the only parent. Yes, it is very possible as a "single" mom you can afford to pay for college especially if you have gotten child support and help from the other parent. And, no, your kids are not better off financially than mine. You know nothing about mine. The first thing we did was save for college. But, good try.

If your kids father is not involved, its pretty clear why given how you treat people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I already told my kid that I'm moving after she goes to college, and she'll always have a guest room to stay in if she needs it but she might no longer have her own room at my place. Her dad might be nicer. She'll always be welcome, but I want her to experience life on her own like I did, not assume she can boomerang back and live with me till she's 30.

Wow, why would you do that? Why not let her live with you a few years so she can save and buy a house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I already told my kid that I'm moving after she goes to college, and she'll always have a guest room to stay in if she needs it but she might no longer have her own room at my place. Her dad might be nicer. She'll always be welcome, but I want her to experience life on her own like I did, not assume she can boomerang back and live with me till she's 30.

Wow, why would you do that? Why not let her live with you a few years so she can save and buy a house?

Not PP - but because of this: https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2017/how-to-manage-your-boomerang-kids.html

"...parents have indulged children to the point where creature comforts are expected. "They don't want to live in a one-room efficiency above a store," she says. "They'd rather move back to a comfortable home with better sheets and better food." Her advice on how to manage boomerang children: Don't share the wealth. Many parents worked hard to earn a comfortable life, and their children expect them to share it. "When you hand them those comforts you're cheating them out of gaining self-confidence and pride when they achieve those things by working hard themselves.""

And, when you've got the dynamic of alienation - where one parent viewed the other as nothing more than a monthly check, while openly criticizing them for (gasp!) having different parenting views and just unilaterally making decisions under the constant threat of court battles, well - it's pretty obvious why they might not be super excited to want to keep "putting the kids first"...

IMO, the parent who could never let their little poopsiekins feel an ounce of discomfort can be the one who keeps giving them better sheets and better food. Or poopsiekins can live in a one-room efficiency, like the majority of us did once we came of age, were old enough to vote and die for our country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I already told my kid that I'm moving after she goes to college, and she'll always have a guest room to stay in if she needs it but she might no longer have her own room at my place. Her dad might be nicer. She'll always be welcome, but I want her to experience life on her own like I did, not assume she can boomerang back and live with me till she's 30.

Wow, why would you do that? Why not let her live with you a few years so she can save and buy a house?

Not PP - but because of this: https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2017/how-to-manage-your-boomerang-kids.html

"...parents have indulged children to the point where creature comforts are expected. "They don't want to live in a one-room efficiency above a store," she says. "They'd rather move back to a comfortable home with better sheets and better food." Her advice on how to manage boomerang children: Don't share the wealth. Many parents worked hard to earn a comfortable life, and their children expect them to share it. "When you hand them those comforts you're cheating them out of gaining self-confidence and pride when they achieve those things by working hard themselves.""

And, when you've got the dynamic of alienation - where one parent viewed the other as nothing more than a monthly check, while openly criticizing them for (gasp!) having different parenting views and just unilaterally making decisions under the constant threat of court battles, well - it's pretty obvious why they might not be super excited to want to keep "putting the kids first"...

IMO, the parent who could never let their little poopsiekins feel an ounce of discomfort can be the one who keeps giving them better sheets and better food. Or poopsiekins can live in a one-room efficiency, like the majority of us did once we came of age, were old enough to vote and die for our country.

Bizarre

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I already told my kid that I'm moving after she goes to college, and she'll always have a guest room to stay in if she needs it but she might no longer have her own room at my place. Her dad might be nicer. She'll always be welcome, but I want her to experience life on her own like I did, not assume she can boomerang back and live with me till she's 30.

Wow, why would you do that? Why not let her live with you a few years so she can save and buy a house?

Not PP - but because of this: https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2017/how-to-manage-your-boomerang-kids.html

"...parents have indulged children to the point where creature comforts are expected. "They don't want to live in a one-room efficiency above a store," she says. "They'd rather move back to a comfortable home with better sheets and better food." Her advice on how to manage boomerang children: Don't share the wealth. Many parents worked hard to earn a comfortable life, and their children expect them to share it. "When you hand them those comforts you're cheating them out of gaining self-confidence and pride when they achieve those things by working hard themselves.""

And, when you've got the dynamic of alienation - where one parent viewed the other as nothing more than a monthly check, while openly criticizing them for (gasp!) having different parenting views and just unilaterally making decisions under the constant threat of court battles, well - it's pretty obvious why they might not be super excited to want to keep "putting the kids first"...

IMO, the parent who could never let their little poopsiekins feel an ounce of discomfort can be the one who keeps giving them better sheets and better food. Or poopsiekins can live in a one-room efficiency, like the majority of us did once we came of age, were old enough to vote and die for our country.

Bizarre

It really is. I think it's possible to prepare your children for adulthood without throwing them to the wolves in an attempt to "toughen them up". 18 =legal adult, but I don't expect my kids to be fully functioning grown-ups at 18.

[Anonymous]

Yeah really-I didn't work hard and build a nice life and home (nothing fancy but comfortable and nice) and family, just to get rid of them at 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Yeah really-I didn't work hard and build a nice life and home (nothing fancy but comfortable and nice) and family, just to get rid of them at 18.

You people aren't listening.

PP, you and other PP may very well have built a nice home and family - and if that is your experience, well, aren't you lucky?

Some people didn't experience such fortune. Some people have toxic, alienating exes, who did everything they could to suck us dry. There is nothing left, and, sadly, seeing the kids go at 18 is going to be a welcome respite.

Also, sadly, it's the only way we have of getting some leverage back over said toxic ex. She wanted it her way, with no compromise, for 12 years? Great, she can have it her way at 18. Sorry to sound like a jerk, but it's the truth.

So, ladies, you may want to think about all of that, before you start alienating your children from their fathers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Yeah really-I didn't work hard and build a nice life and home (nothing fancy but comfortable and nice) and family, just to get rid of them at 18.

You people aren't listening.

PP, you and other PP may very well have built a nice home and family - and if that is your experience, well, aren't you lucky?

Some people didn't experience such fortune. Some people have toxic, alienating exes, who did everything they could to suck us dry. There is nothing left, and, sadly, seeing the kids go at 18 is going to be a welcome respite.

Also, sadly, it's the only way we have of getting some leverage back over said toxic ex. She wanted it her way, with no compromise, for 12 years? Great, she can have it her way at 18. Sorry to sound like a jerk, but it's the truth.

So, ladies, you may want to think about all of that, before you start alienating your children from their fathers.

PREACH!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I already told my kid that I'm moving after she goes to college, and she'll always have a guest room to stay in if she needs it but she might no longer have her own room at my place. Her dad might be nicer. She'll always be welcome, but I want her to experience life on her own like I did, not assume she can boomerang back and live with me till she's 30.

Wow, why would you do that? Why not let her live with you a few years so she can save and buy a house?

Not PP - but because of this: https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2017/how-to-manage-your-boomerang-kids.html

"...parents have indulged children to the point where creature comforts are expected. "They don't want to live in a one-room efficiency above a store," she says. "They'd rather move back to a comfortable home with better sheets and better food." Her advice on how to manage boomerang children: Don't share the wealth. Many parents worked hard to earn a comfortable life, and their children expect them to share it. "When you hand them those comforts you're cheating them out of gaining self-confidence and pride when they achieve those things by working hard themselves.""

And, when you've got the dynamic of alienation - where one parent viewed the other as nothing more than a monthly check, while openly criticizing them for (gasp!) having different parenting views and just unilaterally making decisions under the constant threat of court battles, well - it's pretty obvious why they might not be super excited to want to keep "putting the kids first"...

IMO, the parent who could never let their little poopsiekins feel an ounce of discomfort can be the one who keeps giving them better sheets and better food. Or poopsiekins can live in a one-room efficiency, like the majority of us did once we came of age, were old enough to vote and die for our country.

Bizarre

It really is. I think it's possible to prepare your children for adulthood without throwing them to the wolves in an attempt to "toughen them up". 18 =legal adult, but I don't expect my kids to be fully functioning grown-ups at 18.

Maybe if you did expect them to be, they would be?

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP who said I don't especially want my child to live with me after 18. I assume she will do what I did: go to college, occasionally come home in the summers, get a job after college in whatever city she chooses and get an apartment there, probably with roommates.

After 18, I lived in the dorms and in apartments just off campus with 1-4 roommates to save money. I occasionally lived alone in tiny, crappy places. Which builds character and sets expectations low so that when you're actually house hunting, you're not coming from a place of never actually having lived without granite and stainless steel appliances. You learn to see past that cosmetic stuff and see the bones of an apartment or house. You learn how to fix stuff (or who to call to fix it.)

Plus I want my daughter to be independent. Making her own meals, doing her own laundry, having friends and boyfriends over, not relying on me at a time when she should be building self-reliance. I don't want her having some weird stunted extended childhood because she never has to do things herself.

Of course I would never let her be homeless or anything. But my parents expected us to live on our own, and I think it was good for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who said I don't especially want my child to live with me after 18. I assume she will do what I did: go to college, occasionally come home in the summers, get a job after college in whatever city she chooses and get an apartment there, probably with roommates.

After 18, I lived in the dorms and in apartments just off campus with 1-4 roommates to save money. I occasionally lived alone in tiny, crappy places. Which builds character and sets expectations low so that when you're actually house hunting, you're not coming from a place of never actually having lived without granite and stainless steel appliances. You learn to see past that cosmetic stuff and see the bones of an apartment or house. You learn how to fix stuff (or who to call to fix it.)

Plus I want my daughter to be independent. Making her own meals, doing her own laundry, having friends and boyfriends over, not relying on me at a time when she should be building self-reliance. I don't want her having some weird stunted extended childhood because she never has to do things herself.

Of course I would never let her be homeless or anything. But my parents expected us to live on our own, and I think it was good for me.

I feel really bad for your daughter. She can be independent and live at home for college breaks. Hopefully she has a Dad who wants her given you don't. My mom was clear I wasn't welcomed home after I got married. I took her very seriously. I barely speak to her now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Yeah really-I didn't work hard and build a nice life and home (nothing fancy but comfortable and nice) and family, just to get rid of them at 18.

You people aren't listening.

PP, you and other PP may very well have built a nice home and family - and if that is your experience, well, aren't you lucky?

Some people didn't experience such fortune. Some people have toxic, alienating exes, who did everything they could to suck us dry. There is nothing left, and, sadly, seeing the kids go at 18 is going to be a welcome respite.

Also, sadly, it's the only way we have of getting some leverage back over said toxic ex. She wanted it her way, with no compromise, for 12 years? Great, she can have it her way at 18. Sorry to sound like a jerk, but it's the truth.

So, ladies, you may want to think about all of that, before you start alienating your children from their fathers.

The last child turning 18 was golden to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Yeah really-I didn't work hard and build a nice life and home (nothing fancy but comfortable and nice) and family, just to get rid of them at 18.

You people aren't listening.

PP, you and other PP may very well have built a nice home and family - and if that is your experience, well, aren't you lucky?

Some people didn't experience such fortune. Some people have toxic, alienating exes, who did everything they could to suck us dry. There is nothing left, and, sadly, seeing the kids go at 18 is going to be a welcome respite.

Also, sadly, it's the only way we have of getting some leverage back over said toxic ex. She wanted it her way, with no compromise, for 12 years? Great, she can have it her way at 18. Sorry to sound like a jerk, but it's the truth.

So, ladies, you may want to think about all of that, before you start alienating your children from their fathers.

The last child turning 18 was golden to us.

Can you help me understand why?

So many people want to make us wrong for feeling that way...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Yeah really-I didn't work hard and build a nice life and home (nothing fancy but comfortable and nice) and family, just to get rid of them at 18.

You people aren't listening.

PP, you and other PP may very well have built a nice home and family - and if that is your experience, well, aren't you lucky?

Some people didn't experience such fortune. Some people have toxic, alienating exes, who did everything they could to suck us dry. There is nothing left, and, sadly, seeing the kids go at 18 is going to be a welcome respite.

Also, sadly, it's the only way we have of getting some leverage back over said toxic ex. She wanted it her way, with no compromise, for 12 years? Great, she can have it her way at 18. Sorry to sound like a jerk, but it's the truth.

So, ladies, you may want to think about all of that, before you start alienating your children from their fathers.

The last child turning 18 was golden to us.

Can you help me understand why?

So many people want to make us wrong for feeling that way...

Why do you need to understand why? You probably would argue differently to anything I said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Yeah really-I didn't work hard and build a nice life and home (nothing fancy but comfortable and nice) and family, just to get rid of them at 18.

You people aren't listening.

PP, you and other PP may very well have built a nice home and family - and if that is your experience, well, aren't you lucky?

Some people didn't experience such fortune. Some people have toxic, alienating exes, who did everything they could to suck us dry. There is nothing left, and, sadly, seeing the kids go at 18 is going to be a welcome respite.

Also, sadly, it's the only way we have of getting some leverage back over said toxic ex. She wanted it her way, with no compromise, for 12 years? Great, she can have it her way at 18. Sorry to sound like a jerk, but it's the truth.

So, ladies, you may want to think about all of that, before you start alienating your children from their fathers.

The last child turning 18 was golden to us.

Can you help me understand why?

So many people want to make us wrong for feeling that way...

Why do you need to understand why? You probably would argue differently to anything I said.

PP here and...Oookay?

I (perhaps mistakenly?) read your post to mean that you valued them turning 18 and moving on into adulthood. We feel the same way - and it seems like people want to shame us for it. I was just looking for some inputs from someone who (I thought) had the same perception as us.