Children of divorce - how to decide where they live after 18?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when the kids turn 18, they are legal adults, and custody no longer dictates living arrangements?

If you are/were divorced, how was this decision made?

Custody schedule and child support is in effect until they finish high school.

After that they go to college or decide themselves

Actually in some
states child support goes until 21 - like in dC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is sad. "You're 18. Now get out my house"

This is why divorce messes kids up. In intact families the parents continue to care about the kids and support them throughout college and beyond. Kids of divorce get parents who are willing to devote tens of thousands of dollars to lawyers so they can reduce child support by $100. It’s sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is sad. "You're 18. Now get out my house"

This is why divorce messes kids up. In intact families the parents continue to care about the kids and support them throughout college and beyond. Kids of divorce get parents who are willing to devote tens of thousands of dollars to lawyers so they can reduce child support by $100. It’s sad.

Some intact families continue to care for the kids, others don't. You are overgeneralizing. Child support in most states stops at 18 or graduation of high school. If you want continued help, then you need to deal with that parent and have a relationship with them. An alienated parent should have to pay for college or anything past 18. The custodial parent who alienated that parent should pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is sad. "You're 18. Now get out my house"

This is why divorce messes kids up. In intact families the parents continue to care about the kids and support them throughout college and beyond. Kids of divorce get parents who are willing to devote tens of thousands of dollars to lawyers so they can reduce child support by $100. It’s sad.

Some intact families continue to care for the kids, others don't. You are overgeneralizing. Child support in most states stops at 18 or graduation of high school. If you want continued help, then you need to deal with that parent and have a relationship with them. An alienated parent should have to pay for college or anything past 18. The custodial parent who alienated that parent should pay.

+1. If you want the other parent to pay for life long things, don’t spend your life trash talking them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kid will always be the kid in the relationship and will always come first. That’s reality until about the time your in a nursing home.

Depends what you mean by “comes first”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is sad. "You're 18. Now get out my house"

This is why divorce messes kids up. In intact families the parents continue to care about the kids and support them throughout college and beyond. Kids of divorce get parents who are willing to devote tens of thousands of dollars to lawyers so they can reduce child support by $100. It’s sad.

Some intact families continue to care for the kids, others don't. You are overgeneralizing. Child support in most states stops at 18 or graduation of high school. If you want continued help, then you need to deal with that parent and have a relationship with them. An alienated parent should have to pay for college or anything past 18. The custodial parent who alienated that parent should pay.

+1. If you want the other parent to pay for life long things, don’t spend your life trash talking them.

Can you explain? Because to me it sounds like you want to punish your child for decisions they didn't have complete control over as minors and maybe toxic behavior of your ex.

I would also think by doing this you are proving to child that ex who bad-mouth you was right all along.

In my view I want my child to succeed no matter what. Screw the ex. I would also look at child turning 18 and possibly living with me during college as an opportunity to make up for lost time and hopefully have a better relationship with him/ her going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is sad. "You're 18. Now get out my house"

This is why divorce messes kids up. In intact families the parents continue to care about the kids and support them throughout college and beyond. Kids of divorce get parents who are willing to devote tens of thousands of dollars to lawyers so they can reduce child support by $100. It’s sad.

Some intact families continue to care for the kids, others don't. You are overgeneralizing. Child support in most states stops at 18 or graduation of high school. If you want continued help, then you need to deal with that parent and have a relationship with them. An alienated parent should have to pay for college or anything past 18. The custodial parent who alienated that parent should pay.

+1. If you want the other parent to pay for life long things, don’t spend your life trash talking them.

Can you explain? Because to me it sounds like you want to punish your child for decisions they didn't have complete control over as minors and maybe toxic behavior of your ex.

I would also think by doing this you are proving to child that ex who bad-mouth you was right all along.

In my view I want my child to succeed no matter what. Screw the ex. I would also look at child turning 18 and possibly living with me during college as an opportunity to make up for lost time and hopefully have a better relationship with him/ her going forward.

Usually by 18, with the other parent's support, visits and phone contact stop. Often it is years before. So, if the kids stop talking or visiting Dad or Mom, why is that parent continued to be obligated to pay just because the custodial parent and adult child demand it. Usually by 18, kids aren't going to go live with the other parent. When you say screw the ex and you treat him in a specific way and encourage your kids to, then what do you expect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is sad. "You're 18. Now get out my house"

This is why divorce messes kids up. In intact families the parents continue to care about the kids and support them throughout college and beyond. Kids of divorce get parents who are willing to devote tens of thousands of dollars to lawyers so they can reduce child support by $100. It’s sad.

Some intact families continue to care for the kids, others don't. You are overgeneralizing. Child support in most states stops at 18 or graduation of high school. If you want continued help, then you need to deal with that parent and have a relationship with them. An alienated parent should have to pay for college or anything past 18. The custodial parent who alienated that parent should pay.

+1. If you want the other parent to pay for life long things, don’t spend your life trash talking them.

Thanks for making my point!

You’re setting conditions on being a parent to your kid, and looking for the way to spend the least amount of money. You’ve checked out of the parenting relationship.

Intact families look for ways to support the children. Yes, even when they’re teens and they’re pulling away and thus not emotionally fulfilling my every parental fantasy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My step daughter lived with us growing up, she visited her mom every other weekend and at her request.
My husband passed away when she way 17. She requested to stay with me and her younger siblings. Her mother gave me temporary custody until she turned 18.
She went to college and alternated between my house and her mother’s for holidays and stayed with me for summers. I moved several states away her senior year of college. She graduated and lives with me.

Honestly, it depends on the kid and what they want.

First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your DH. And you definitely stepped up for SD, imo.

You say it depends on what the kid wants. When does it become about what the parents want/need? I know I’ll get flamed for this, but I’m worn out. Dealing with BM has ground me down, I’ve done my best by DC and we just always are at odds. I kind of want to move my life forward - remodel the house, have a loving adult relationship, not have to constantly be nagging an adult child to do x, y, z.

As some people put it, I just don’t have the bandwidth.

Can’t you do all of that and allow adult child to stay during college breaks? Establish boundaries, but don’t outright say no. Teens change a lot between senior year and first few years of college. My son has gone from being very a trying high schooler to an adult who I would consider a friend. It’s just not the same after they get some time away and mature a bit. Don’t close the door so quickly.

People like PP closed the door the minute the separation agreement went into effect. They were just waiting until it was legally and socially acceptable to walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My step daughter lived with us growing up, she visited her mom every other weekend and at her request.
My husband passed away when she way 17. She requested to stay with me and her younger siblings. Her mother gave me temporary custody until she turned 18.
She went to college and alternated between my house and her mother’s for holidays and stayed with me for summers. I moved several states away her senior year of college. She graduated and lives with me.

Honestly, it depends on the kid and what they want.

First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your DH. And you definitely stepped up for SD, imo.

You say it depends on what the kid wants. When does it become about what the parents want/need? I know I’ll get flamed for this, but I’m worn out. Dealing with BM has ground me down, I’ve done my best by DC and we just always are at odds. I kind of want to move my life forward - remodel the house, have a loving adult relationship, not have to constantly be nagging an adult child to do x, y, z.

As some people put it, I just don’t have the bandwidth.

It’s never about what the parent wants - it’s always about what the kid needs.

Welcome to being a parent!

(Unless you’re a deadbeat)

Call me Proud Deadbeat Mom! I give my kids a lot of my time, energy, and attention but it is not unlimited, and as I have been blessed with healthy, neurotypical children being raised in a stable home their needs DO NOT always come first -- not now, when my youngest is eight years old, and certainly not later. I think that modern middle class parents have a grossly distorted understanding of "need." I was not put on this earth to be their mother; I am here to live and to prepare them to lead active fulfilling lives of their own. My children are not me, nor do they reflect or represent me, and I will not be fashioning my existence around them as they are now capable of doing much on their own. OP's question would not cause me to lose a single wink of shuteye. Making my life anything but comfortable for reasons wholly within your control? GTFO! Today, not tomorrow. I don't have pets and I am not going to nag any adult. I used to beg my DH to pick up his clothes, not leave trash, empty bottles in our room, etc. Fast forward two years. My room is pristine, his -- formerly ours -- is like a pigsty. We are both so much happier. My name is not Mother Theresa -- nobody gets to stay in my house on my dime and drain my existence of joy. It goes without saying that a productive, responsible child who is actively pursuing a major life goal -- be it getting a degree, starting a business, or selling a screenplay -- and willing to abide by MY rules in MY house is welcome to stay as long as she wishes.

[Anonymous]

My children will always have a bedroom in my home.

My ExH will also always ha be a guest room in his house so our children have a place to sleep need be.

My oldest went to college but came home summers and lived at home 1 year after graduation. then again for 1 year saving a down payment.

I expect I will do the same for my other 2 children.

My house is always home base but they will also stay with their dad here and there.

I didn't "move on" from my children...wtf is that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My step daughter lived with us growing up, she visited her mom every other weekend and at her request.
My husband passed away when she way 17. She requested to stay with me and her younger siblings. Her mother gave me temporary custody until she turned 18.
She went to college and alternated between my house and her mother’s for holidays and stayed with me for summers. I moved several states away her senior year of college. She graduated and lives with me.

Honestly, it depends on the kid and what they want.

First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your DH. And you definitely stepped up for SD, imo.

You say it depends on what the kid wants. When does it become about what the parents want/need? I know I’ll get flamed for this, but I’m worn out. Dealing with BM has ground me down, I’ve done my best by DC and we just always are at odds. I kind of want to move my life forward - remodel the house, have a loving adult relationship, not have to constantly be nagging an adult child to do x, y, z.

As some people put it, I just don’t have the bandwidth.

It’s never about what the parent wants - it’s always about what the kid needs.

Welcome to being a parent!

(Unless you’re a deadbeat)

Call me Proud Deadbeat Mom! I give my kids a lot of my time, energy, and attention but it is not unlimited, and as I have been blessed with healthy, neurotypical children being raised in a stable home their needs DO NOT always come first -- not now, when my youngest is eight years old, and certainly not later. I think that modern middle class parents have a grossly distorted understanding of "need." I was not put on this earth to be their mother; I am here to live and to prepare them to lead active fulfilling lives of their own. My children are not me, nor do they reflect or represent me, and I will not be fashioning my existence around them as they are now capable of doing much on their own. OP's question would not cause me to lose a single wink of shuteye. Making my life anything but comfortable for reasons wholly within your control? GTFO! Today, not tomorrow. I don't have pets and I am not going to nag any adult. I used to beg my DH to pick up his clothes, not leave trash, empty bottles in our room, etc. Fast forward two years. My room is pristine, his -- formerly ours -- is like a pigsty. We are both so much happier. My name is not Mother Theresa -- nobody gets to stay in my house on my dime and drain my existence of joy. It goes without saying that a productive, responsible child who is actively pursuing a major life goal -- be it getting a degree, starting a business, or selling a screenplay -- and willing to abide by MY rules in MY house is welcome to stay as long as she wishes.

Okay Deadbeat mom!

But I prefer emotionally unavailable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is sad. "You're 18. Now get out my house"

This is why divorce messes kids up. In intact families the parents continue to care about the kids and support them throughout college and beyond. Kids of divorce get parents who are willing to devote tens of thousands of dollars to lawyers so they can reduce child support by $100. It’s sad.

Some intact families continue to care for the kids, others don't. You are overgeneralizing. Child support in most states stops at 18 or graduation of high school. If you want continued help, then you need to deal with that parent and have a relationship with them. An alienated parent should have to pay for college or anything past 18. The custodial parent who alienated that parent should pay.

+1. If you want the other parent to pay for life long things, don’t spend your life trash talking them.

Can you explain? Because to me it sounds like you want to punish your child for decisions they didn't have complete control over as minors and maybe toxic behavior of your ex.

I would also think by doing this you are proving to child that ex who bad-mouth you was right all along.

In my view I want my child to succeed no matter what. Screw the ex. I would also look at child turning 18 and possibly living with me during college as an opportunity to make up for lost time and hopefully have a better relationship with him/ her going forward.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My children will always have a bedroom in my home.

My ExH will also always ha be a guest room in his house so our children have a place to sleep need be.

My oldest went to college but came home summers and lived at home 1 year after graduation. then again for 1 year saving a down payment.

I expect I will do the same for my other 2 children.

My house is always home base but they will also stay with their dad here and there.

I didn't "move on" from my children...wtf is that

+1. We still all consider my grandparents’ home as “our home” and my parents house is also my and my children’s home. And same will be with my home: it will always be there home too.

[Anonymous]

Emotionally Unavailable Deadbeat here. Yes, that is the difference. I do not want my kids to succeed no matter what, nor do I think they are always entitled to my love and/or generosity. That being said, the constellation of privileges that they have received through the good fortune of being born to us is hard to describe. They are hitting the lottery with us every single day. It is up to them to make the most of it. I have told them that if they want to become sanitation workers then I will support them, as Dr. King adjured us, to be the best possible at it. I do not labor under any delusion that I am responsible for their happiness or success in life.