How to make peace with a mediocre husband

[Anonymous]

OP, if he truly has the positive qualities you claim, just be ready for him to end up married to someone younger and more attractive after your inevitable divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's trade husbands. Mine is super ambitious, high earning, handsome, charming, well-endowed life of the party and a great dad when he is around. It also means he travels for work a lot, is rarely mentally present when home, is constantly trying to have sex with me and gets pouty if we don't, and rarely does any of the mental load of raising kids.

Yours sounds ideal, I can live without sex.

If you can afford adequate domestic help to replace his would be contribution then deal.

[Anonymous]

OP, would you rather have a horny, obese man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, would you rather have a horny, obese man?

If he brought home big money, yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The post about "would you do it all again?" makes me sad. NO I would not do it all again with my spouse. I picked him because of some of his great qualities that I really value in a marriage, but the list of things I feel like I am missing out on in the marriage regularly makes me feel hollow and sad. If I could do it all again I would have held out for closer to the total package. For a long time I tried to convince myself if I had waited longer I might have ended up with nothing (true) but lately I am certain I would take the gamble if I could go back.

Nevertheless here I am. Divorce would seem ridiculous to our family and friends and it would be financially destructive despite the fact that we both make pretty good money. How can I learn to appreciate my husband's good qualities without obsessing about what I feel is missing? Has anyone here succeeded in changing their attitude to become more content in their marriage?

If you need some examples my gripes are that spouse is not sexual enough, kind of boring, and doesn't initiate many things in our life together. He is also not ambitious enough for my taste and in many ways I feel like I am the "man" in the relationship.

His positives are that he is a great listener, very handsome, loving and affectionate. He is also smart and funny.

I know I sound super shallow and awful writing this but I sometimes really crave being with someone who takes initiative so I can relax and feel like a woman.

Please don't be mean and only reply if you have good advice for me.

OP, sorry I have not read any of the previous replies. Why don't you focus on all the positives? Your husband sounds like a great man! What you describe is just normal dynamics in man/woman relations. Yes, woman is a driving force in the marriage, she does pull the mental work load. I would focus more on improving communication between two of you. Explain to him what is important to you and why is it important. You said he is a good listener, see if he will be able to work out that. You are lounging for something that you imagined as a positive qualities. But in real life, man with those qualities are not that easy to live with. Super sexual partner is more likely to cheat, more likely to care only about his own sexual needs, then yours. The partner who is very active and initiate a lot of activities, may be a lousy father or a slop at home. Be grateful for what you got. Focus on what attracted you originally to your spouse and remind yourself regularly about it. Fall in love with him again.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is a guy on the radio named Dennis Prager. Some may know him for his show--he is a conservative, well thought out, very measured and respectful.

However; Fridays at 10am here in LA (probably 1pm on EST) on a station called The Answer, (which I know you can get in DC) he does a non-political hour called "The Happiness Hour." It is dedicated to looking at issues and how they affect happiness...it's a fun hour, but it's also really deep. I never thought there would be so many ways to approach this issue. He has been on every week since 1999 or so. He even broadcast after 9/11.

You can get all his episodes if you subscribe to pragertopia.com. I do, and then in the search bar, I type in "happiness" to find the Happiness Hour episodes.

It will be easy for you to find themes that resonate with you. Off the top of my head, he has a phrase called, "The Missing Tile" that might be helpful. It's the idea that when you are looking at a beautiful ceiling, and it's so lovely except one tile has fallen out, and how one can fixate on that missing tile. And how if it's a ceiling, you can fix it, but in life, you often cannot. And how to stop fixating on it.

Anyways I am not really doing it justice. It's worth a shot, OP. If you don't want to buy pragertopia, listen to it this coming Friday, mark your calendar. It's probably also available on I Heart Radio (iheartradio.com) under The Dennis Prager Show.

I hope this helps; I'm telling you, because it has helped me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, would you rather have a horny, obese man?

If he brought home big money, yes.

Haha this is OP and I did not write the above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is a guy on the radio named Dennis Prager. Some may know him for his show--he is a conservative, well thought out, very measured and respectful.

However; Fridays at 10am here in LA (probably 1pm on EST) on a station called The Answer, (which I know you can get in DC) he does a non-political hour called "The Happiness Hour." It is dedicated to looking at issues and how they affect happiness...it's a fun hour, but it's also really deep. I never thought there would be so many ways to approach this issue. He has been on every week since 1999 or so. He even broadcast after 9/11.

You can get all his episodes if you subscribe to pragertopia.com. I do, and then in the search bar, I type in "happiness" to find the Happiness Hour episodes.

It will be easy for you to find themes that resonate with you. Off the top of my head, he has a phrase called, "The Missing Tile" that might be helpful. It's the idea that when you are looking at a beautiful ceiling, and it's so lovely except one tile has fallen out, and how one can fixate on that missing tile. And how if it's a ceiling, you can fix it, but in life, you often cannot. And how to stop fixating on it.

Anyways I am not really doing it justice. It's worth a shot, OP. If you don't want to buy pragertopia, listen to it this coming Friday, mark your calendar. It's probably also available on I Heart Radio (iheartradio.com) under The Dennis Prager Show.

I hope this helps; I'm telling you, because it has helped me.

Thank you for your kind reply. I will check this out. I am now reading Dr. Laura’s book after hearing about it here on DCUM. I really want to become a better person.

[Anonymous]

OP it is so easy to focus on what you imagine he lacks but I echo the poster who said some of the things you crave may be hard to live with. My husband initiates a lot of things for example, sometimes things that I wish were my domain exclusively. In other words....he can be intrusive and consequently, we can step on each other's toes like clods. Focus on what you have and remember almost every positive has an underbelly that can be problematic.

[Anonymous]

Wishes her nice husband made more money so she can be a kept woman and reading Dr Laura? Ugh. Your poor DH.

[Anonymous]

Another woman who still wants a bad boy -- or at least one who makes bank.

[Anonymous]

With all due respect, OP, if your husband is in fact mediocre, you sound sub par.

[Anonymous]

Op, I had a similar situation a few years ago. Sweet, endlessly patient, fit, high expectations drive husband that I found myself getting increasingly frustrated with. Not living up to his professional potential, not really hearing me with some of what I was trying to discuss about our life as a couple too (not just $).

I did what some others have suggested and started with myself (be the change and all that), and for me it made the difference. I made a career revamp - same career but got good coaching and did a course about mindset. I raised my income to 75% of what I want it to be this year, am on track to increase to 100% by the end of next year, and revamped my client stream so that business is more self sustaining. And I think by next year I can add on another income stream that I’m pretty excited to start.

DH & I also thought about going to therapy but ended up reading What Makes Love Last by John Gottman and for us it was a great tune-up. I’ve also planned a lot more time with friends, more date nights with dh, and have traveled solo for a couple of weekends to see things high on my bucket list that didn’t interest him.

I was raised pretty traditionally and for years had made ok money but treated my career more like a hobby while expecting dh to bring in the real money. It turns out that at least for now I’m better at making it and it’s really been pretty cool to flip that switch. He has also taken on a lot more at home including meals and setting up/hosting play dates for the kids. Those things were my tasks before but him picking them up when I couldn’t do everything really makes me feel cared for.

Anyway, that’s all to say that I feel like a new person and my marriage feels like it’s on solid ground. Whatever ends up being your best path, I wish you good things.

[Anonymous]

^^^^ pp here - that was supposed to say high sex drive husband!

[Anonymous]

OP, I like that you seek only 'good advice' for you. In other words, any criticism of you is mean and bad. Do you really think you would listen to any objective criticism of you? Seriously?? I also like how you view divorce as seeming 'ridiculous to our family and friends', gee, any thought on how a divorce might seem to you, your husband, or the kids?
OP, you are focused on 'what might have been' and, the road not taken. Think back - by your own words, when you were dating your DH, there didn't sound like a long ling of suitors at your door. Ever wonder why? You sound like all you need really need is a good slap on the butt, and, a dose of reality.