How to make peace with a mediocre husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? Sounds like a mid-life crisis to me. You are blaming your unhappiness on your husband's imagined shortcomings, but it's actually just you.

Came here to post this. My guess is that you’re not happy with yourself and are looking to pin your unhappiness on him.

I am open to considering this, but I think my feelings have gotten stronger as I have become more successful at work. I am more tired due to more hours and feel solely responsible for making my dreams come true. I find myself wishing my DH was contributing more, both financially and in spirit. I am starting to think we don't share the same dreams and wondering how to reconcile that.

[Anonymous]

Him taking initiative = You having less power. Far less power.

You can create the life you want. You are not reliant on a man. If you aren't creating an interesting, fulfilling life, that's on you. Except for the sex. I can't help you there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? Sounds like a mid-life crisis to me. You are blaming your unhappiness on your husband's imagined shortcomings, but it's actually just you.

Came here to post this. My guess is that you’re not happy with yourself and are looking to pin your unhappiness on him.

I am open to considering this, but I think my feelings have gotten stronger as I have become more successful at work. I am more tired due to more hours and feel solely responsible for making my dreams come true. I find myself wishing my DH was contributing more, both financially and in spirit. I am starting to think we don't share the same dreams and wondering how to reconcile that.

What are your dreams? Are they realistic, or have you intentionally made them unreachable so that you’re perpetually seeking something you can’t have?
Have you shared them with him? What are his?

[Anonymous]

Have you had this talk with your husband? If not, he deserves to know so that he can make the decision to change things. Perhaps he has some things he’s making peace with as well?

[Anonymous]

OP, how much is the age gap between the two of you? How old are the kids? You don’t want to be in a relationship that seems to be morphing into a roommate situation.
Maybe you two can do a sports together to get the endorphins going.

[Anonymous]

Mediocre husband? What exactly makes YOU an amazing person, let alone spouse?

[Anonymous]

“Relax and feel like a woman”? OP, your may or may not have a mediocre husband; you definitely do have paralyzingly retro ideas about gender.

What are the positives associated with having a husband who isn’t on the aggro-masculine side? It’s a pretty long list.

[Anonymous]

“Perfect is the enemy of good”.
Don’t expect perfect DH be happy with good.

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t sound mediocre. Perhaps your marriage feels mediocre, but he himself sounds like a solid guy who would make a lot of women happy. Minus the low sex drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mediocre husband? What exactly makes YOU an amazing person, let alone spouse?

Exactly. Maybe you just do not like him and you have constructed this mediocre husband to give yourself cover? I think you should divorce and hit the single dating market. If you are tired now just...

[Anonymous]

Man here, I can relate to this. My wife has completely checked out sexually and it clouds everything else.

I try to take inventory of what we do have since you don't realize the non problems. Like, we agree on finances, kids are thriving, we love travel, we love going out.

I will take flack for this but I have given myself permission to have an affair if the right opportunity presents. It seems less overwhelming to think I can have a great sex life again, even if not with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t sound mediocre. Perhaps your marriage feels mediocre, but he himself sounds like a solid guy who would make a lot of women happy. Minus the low sex drive.

The low sex drive would be a huge positive for a lot of women, especially during the early childhood years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The post about "would you do it all again?" makes me sad. NO I would not do it all again with my spouse. I picked him because of some of his great qualities that I really value in a marriage, but the list of things I feel like I am missing out on in the marriage regularly makes me feel hollow and sad. If I could do it all again I would have held out for closer to the total package. For a long time I tried to convince myself if I had waited longer I might have ended up with nothing (true) but lately I am certain I would take the gamble if I could go back.

Nevertheless here I am. Divorce would seem ridiculous to our family and friends and it would be financially destructive despite the fact that we both make pretty good money. How can I learn to appreciate my husband's good qualities without obsessing about what I feel is missing? Has anyone here succeeded in changing their attitude to become more content in their marriage?

If you need some examples my gripes are that spouse is not sexual enough, kind of boring, and doesn't initiate many things in our life together. He is also not ambitious enough for my taste and in many ways I feel like I am the "man" in the relationship.

His positives are that he is a great listener, very handsome, loving and affectionate. He is also smart and funny.

I know I sound super shallow and awful writing this but I sometimes really crave being with someone who takes initiative so I can relax and feel like a woman.


Please don't be mean and only reply if you have good advice for me.

Please consider that you have the ability to "relax and feel like a woman" all by yourself without having a man force you to do it by "taking the initiative". Your own anxieties, worries, resentments, whatever are what is stopping you from relaxing. Why don't you stop trying to hold your man up to a set of standards you have created and are making you anxious and stopping you from relaxing and feeling feminine and just try feeling like a woman around him just the way he is.

[Anonymous]

How is a person smart and funny and also boring??

[Anonymous]

OP going for a drive with her husband.