How to make peace with a mediocre husband

[Anonymous]

I can empathize OP.

My husband has zero sex drive, has gained 40+ pounds and become a total couch potato, has a relentlessly negative outlook, and carries about 15% (on average) of the mental load of having kids.

He's also funny, sometimes utterly charming, loyal, completely trustworthy, a wonderful friend, a loving dad, and he's stable financially and mentally.

Some days I think I'm going to scream and that I'm becoming someone I don't like because I'm unhappy. Other days I think I'm incredibly lucky to have someone I fully trust and can rely on when things get tough (in ways they routinely do with aging parents and little kids).

So here I sit, a decade in and waffling between "stop complaining about the generally amazing life everyone thinks you have" and "do I NEVER get to really be happy or feel less stress or desireable ever again?"

It sucks. I get it - for whatever consolation a bit of empathy is good for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can empathize OP.

My husband has zero sex drive, has gained 40+ pounds and become a total couch potato, has a relentlessly negative outlook, and carries about 15% (on average) of the mental load of having kids.

He's also funny, sometimes utterly charming, loyal, completely trustworthy, a wonderful friend, a loving dad, and he's stable financially and mentally.

Some days I think I'm going to scream and that I'm becoming someone I don't like because I'm unhappy. Other days I think I'm incredibly lucky to have someone I fully trust and can rely on when things get tough (in ways they routinely do with aging parents and little kids).

So here I sit, a decade in and waffling between "stop complaining about the generally amazing life everyone thinks you have" and "do I NEVER get to really be happy or feel less stress or desireable ever again?"

It sucks. I get it - for whatever consolation a bit of empathy is good for.

+1
I know a lot of people say our feelings in marriage wax and wane but I too feel the same way. I think out of the couples that don’t divorce only a small fraction are truly still in love after many years. The rest like each other enough and keep things going with cruises with the grands and interior decorating. Nothing like a new coffee table to spice up a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can empathize OP.

My husband has zero sex drive, has gained 40+ pounds and become a total couch potato, has a relentlessly negative outlook, and carries about 15% (on average) of the mental load of having kids.

He's also funny, sometimes utterly charming, loyal, completely trustworthy, a wonderful friend, a loving dad, and he's stable financially and mentally.

Some days I think I'm going to scream and that I'm becoming someone I don't like because I'm unhappy. Other days I think I'm incredibly lucky to have someone I fully trust and can rely on when things get tough (in ways they routinely do with aging parents and little kids).

So here I sit, a decade in and waffling between "stop complaining about the generally amazing life everyone thinks you have" and "do I NEVER get to really be happy or feel less stress or desireable ever again?"

It sucks. I get it - for whatever consolation a bit of empathy is good for.

But have you told your husband how you feel about any of this? No one can make you completely happy, but it sounds like you still love him and it's worth trying to work together to make you both a little happier together. (It sounds like he might be depressed.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I like that you seek only 'good advice' for you. In other words, any criticism of you is mean and bad. Do you really think you would listen to any objective criticism of you? Seriously?? I also like how you view divorce as seeming 'ridiculous to our family and friends', gee, any thought on how a divorce might seem to you, your husband, or the kids?
OP, you are focused on 'what might have been' and, the road not taken. Think back - by your own words, when you were dating your DH, there didn't sound like a long ling of suitors at your door. Ever wonder why? You sound like all you need really need is a good slap on the butt, and, a dose of reality.

Wow. Not the OP here, but you sound like a judgmental asshat. I bet all your friends come to you for advice and support....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can empathize OP.

My husband has zero sex drive, has gained 40+ pounds and become a total couch potato, has a relentlessly negative outlook, and carries about 15% (on average) of the mental load of having kids.

He's also funny, sometimes utterly charming, loyal, completely trustworthy, a wonderful friend, a loving dad, and he's stable financially and mentally.

Some days I think I'm going to scream and that I'm becoming someone I don't like because I'm unhappy. Other days I think I'm incredibly lucky to have someone I fully trust and can rely on when things get tough (in ways they routinely do with aging parents and little kids).

So here I sit, a decade in and waffling between "stop complaining about the generally amazing life everyone thinks you have" and "do I NEVER get to really be happy or feel less stress or desireable ever again?"

It sucks. I get it - for whatever consolation a bit of empathy is good for.

Having zero sex drive isn’t mediocre. That’s bad. Deal breaker for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can empathize OP.

My husband has zero sex drive, has gained 40+ pounds and become a total couch potato, has a relentlessly negative outlook, and carries about 15% (on average) of the mental load of having kids.

He's also funny, sometimes utterly charming, loyal, completely trustworthy, a wonderful friend, a loving dad, and he's stable financially and mentally.

Some days I think I'm going to scream and that I'm becoming someone I don't like because I'm unhappy. Other days I think I'm incredibly lucky to have someone I fully trust and can rely on when things get tough (in ways they routinely do with aging parents and little kids).

So here I sit, a decade in and waffling between "stop complaining about the generally amazing life everyone thinks you have" and "do I NEVER get to really be happy or feel less stress or desireable ever again?"

It sucks. I get it - for whatever consolation a bit of empathy is good for.

But have you told your husband how you feel about any of this? No one can make you completely happy, but it sounds like you still love him and it's worth trying to work together to make you both a little happier together. (It sounds like he might be depressed.)

I have. We have had many long, serious, conversations and we even went to therapy for a while. (Not a great therapist unfortunately.) I agree that he may be depressed, and there is a history of anxiety. But I can't make him deal with it or take it seriously enough to act on it without threatening to end the marriage - which is a threshold I haven't been willing to cross.

I have spent the past almost 2 years in individual therapy, which is helping me tremendously. I'm probably nearing the end of that now and am considering whether to renew my efforts to work on things w/ my husband, or whether to resign myself to what many would consider a pretty lucky life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The post about "would you do it all again?" makes me sad. NO I would not do it all again with my spouse. I picked him because of some of his great qualities that I really value in a marriage, but the list of things I feel like I am missing out on in the marriage regularly makes me feel hollow and sad. If I could do it all again I would have held out for closer to the total package. For a long time I tried to convince myself if I had waited longer I might have ended up with nothing (true) but lately I am certain I would take the gamble if I could go back.

Nevertheless here I am. Divorce would seem ridiculous to our family and friends and it would be financially destructive despite the fact that we both make pretty good money. How can I learn to appreciate my husband's good qualities without obsessing about what I feel is missing? Has anyone here succeeded in changing their attitude to become more content in their marriage?

If you need some examples my gripes are that spouse is not sexual enough, kind of boring, and doesn't initiate many things in our life together. He is also not ambitious enough for my taste and in many ways I feel like I am the "man" in the relationship.

His positives are that he is a great listener, very handsome, loving and affectionate. He is also smart and funny.

I know I sound super shallow and awful writing this but I sometimes really crave being with someone who takes initiative so I can relax and feel like a woman.

Please don't be mean and only reply if you have good advice for me.

Your husband deserves someone so much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:do I NEVER get to really be happy or feel less stress or desireable ever again?"

No, you don't. Better suck it up for the sake of your family and for once in your miserable life put them first.

This is the life you chose. Better get used to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[
Your husband deserves someone so much better.

This is why I'll never marry. Men get taken for a ride with marriage. Most married women are ridiculously ungrateful and are perpetually unsatisfied with their husbands. Marriage is all risk and barely any reward. Imagine being married to OP.

[Anonymous]

Ask him to take initiative. A lot of marital issues can be solved through communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:do I NEVER get to really be happy or feel less stress or desireable ever again?"

No, you don't. Better suck it up for the sake of your family and for once in your miserable life put them first.

This is the life you chose. Better get used to it.

Yikes. Just out there spreading nastiness for kicks? Bet whoever is married to you is struggling.

[Anonymous]

Divorce him. Jeff Bezos wonders why you don't answer his texts.

[Anonymous]

I would practice envisioning being in his mind more often. It'll make you more empathetic to him as a person.

Can you imagine being him and reading this? Does that kill you?

If no, then you probably should divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The post about "would you do it all again?" makes me sad. NO I would not do it all again with my spouse. I picked him because of some of his great qualities that I really value in a marriage, but the list of things I feel like I am missing out on in the marriage regularly makes me feel hollow and sad. If I could do it all again I would have held out for closer to the total package. For a long time I tried to convince myself if I had waited longer I might have ended up with nothing (true) but lately I am certain I would take the gamble if I could go back.

Nevertheless here I am. Divorce would seem ridiculous to our family and friends and it would be financially destructive despite the fact that we both make pretty good money. How can I learn to appreciate my husband's good qualities without obsessing about what I feel is missing? Has anyone here succeeded in changing their attitude to become more content in their marriage?

If you need some examples my gripes are that spouse is not sexual enough, kind of boring, and doesn't initiate many things in our life together. He is also not ambitious enough for my taste and in many ways I feel like I am the "man" in the relationship.

His positives are that he is a great listener, very handsome, loving and affectionate. He is also smart and funny.

I know I sound super shallow and awful writing this but I sometimes really crave being with someone who takes initiative so I can relax and feel like a woman.

Please don't be mean and only reply if you have good advice for me.

well have you tried encouraging him to take more initiative, in a nice way?

[Anonymous]

In defense of OP, it would be hard being married to someone you don't respect and admire. Plus then there's the sex stuff.

Not everyone wants to live without great sex in their lives.