How to make peace with a mediocre husband

[Anonymous]

The post about "would you do it all again?" makes me sad. NO I would not do it all again with my spouse. I picked him because of some of his great qualities that I really value in a marriage, but the list of things I feel like I am missing out on in the marriage regularly makes me feel hollow and sad. If I could do it all again I would have held out for closer to the total package. For a long time I tried to convince myself if I had waited longer I might have ended up with nothing (true) but lately I am certain I would take the gamble if I could go back.

Nevertheless here I am. Divorce would seem ridiculous to our family and friends and it would be financially destructive despite the fact that we both make pretty good money. How can I learn to appreciate my husband's good qualities without obsessing about what I feel is missing? Has anyone here succeeded in changing their attitude to become more content in their marriage?

If you need some examples my gripes are that spouse is not sexual enough, kind of boring, and doesn't initiate many things in our life together. He is also not ambitious enough for my taste and in many ways I feel like I am the "man" in the relationship.

His positives are that he is a great listener, very handsome, loving and affectionate. He is also smart and funny.

I know I sound super shallow and awful writing this but I sometimes really crave being with someone who takes initiative so I can relax and feel like a woman.

Please don't be mean and only reply if you have good advice for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The post about "would you do it all again?" makes me sad. NO I would not do it all again with my spouse. I picked him because of some of his great qualities that I really value in a marriage, but the list of things I feel like I am missing out on in the marriage regularly makes me feel hollow and sad. If I could do it all again I would have held out for closer to the total package. For a long time I tried to convince myself if I had waited longer I might have ended up with nothing (true) but lately I am certain I would take the gamble if I could go back.

Nevertheless here I am. Divorce would seem ridiculous to our family and friends and it would be financially destructive despite the fact that we both make pretty good money. How can I learn to appreciate my husband's good qualities without obsessing about what I feel is missing? Has anyone here succeeded in changing their attitude to become more content in their marriage?

If you need some examples my gripes are that spouse is not sexual enough, kind of boring, and doesn't initiate many things in our life together. He is also not ambitious enough for my taste and in many ways I feel like I am the "man" in the relationship.

His positives are that he is a great listener, very handsome, loving and affectionate. He is also smart and funny.

I know I sound super shallow and awful writing this but I sometimes really crave being with someone who takes initiative so I can relax and feel like a woman.

Please don't be mean and only reply if you have good advice for me.

You sound so mean to your husband. I'd say divorce him given there is no love.

[Anonymous]

I'm a man and perhaps a woman's perspective would be different, but in my opinion, no, there is no way to ignore negatives when they are perpetually there and you view them as negative.

He's probably somebody's perfect husband. There are women who like being dominant in a relationship and if the guy took too much initiative there would be a constant butting of heads.

It sounds like you didn't marry someone who is compatible on a number of dimensions. It's not that he's not the "whole package", as you say, and that you'd be "gambling" waiting for the "perfect" guy. It's merely a matter of matching on more dimensions, and unfortunately for whatever reason you did not pick a guy who was compatible

[Anonymous]

No one is perfect and if you read some of the threads on here there are some seriously flawed men and women out there and it doesn't sound like your spouse is one of them.

I would also suggest that you consider whether some of your feelings originate with dissatisfaction with parts of your life that you control and consider making changes there to gain fulfillment (i.e. new hobby, more time with friends or new friends, new job, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

How old are you? Sounds like a mid-life crisis to me. You are blaming your unhappiness on your husband's imagined shortcomings, but it's actually just you.

[Anonymous]

OP, you might want to do some therapy and consider why you chose your husband. Maybe you sabotaged yourself because you're afraid of being involved with a man who would be your ideal. I say that because I once figured I would be single the rest of my life and I noticed I was only attracted to men who were unavailable. Took me a while to see the role that my anxiety about relationships played in keeping me single.

I don't know if that's the issue for you but I would suggest some serious reflection with the help of a professional over whether the problem is with you more than it is with your husband. Hope things work out! Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? Sounds like a mid-life crisis to me. You are blaming your unhappiness on your husband's imagined shortcomings, but it's actually just you.

Came here to post this. My guess is that you’re not happy with yourself and are looking to pin your unhappiness on him.

[Anonymous]

I can certainly relate to some of this. Do you communicate well? Are you both in the same page most of the time? In your heart of hearts what do you think he would say if you blurred out “this isn’t working”? Would he be relieved?

I don’t think your issue is uncommon at all. Love and fear can feel the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? Sounds like a mid-life crisis to me. You are blaming your unhappiness on your husband's imagined shortcomings, but it's actually just you.

Came here to post this. My guess is that you’re not happy with yourself and are looking to pin your unhappiness on him.

+1. Honestly the things you list as flaws aren't really that bad. Not ambitious enough? You said you guys make good money so his ambition shouldn't matter beyond that. If you want a prestigious job go for it. He's boring? Do you guys have little kids because if so life is going to be pretty boring and consist of diaper changes and screaming kids. Also, spend enough time with someone and there's not going to be a lot of excitement left. Surely you can discuss the sex part with him and reach some kind of workable compromise.

[Anonymous]

If you are exhausted from taking initiative, I would suggest you simplify your life and prune back to only the activities that are truly of value to you.

[Anonymous]

Wow, TIL being boring, not sexual, and taking no initiative aren't really that bad. People are truly in some lackluster relationships, apparently.

[Anonymous]

So, you felt meh about him from the beginning. BTDT. He was the right person at the right time. I also felt like the man in our relationship. He was highly educated but such a baby. I had to figure out everything and make all decisions because he just couldn't. Your husband sounds much nicer than mine though. Mine became progressively more emotionally abusive. I spent years debating the pros and cons of staying. I finally left. It is better to be alone than to wish you were alone. Without the abuse, I think I could have accepted the other issues. I do take responsibility for choosing wrong and the fact that I could also have been a better wife to him. More accepting of his ways. Maybe I caused him to be abusive toward me. IDK. But are you actually suffering any abuse? If not, I would try to work it out. I would make a decision to love him as he is. Divorce sucks.

[Anonymous]

My advice: come to terms with the fact that you’re not so great either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, TIL being boring, not sexual, and taking no initiative aren't really that bad. People are truly in some lackluster relationships, apparently.

These are all so subjective. The other qualities that OP mentions are solid enough that it sounds like she might be a bit of an unreliable narrator when it comes to his shortcomings -- would a more objective audience also find him boring, sexually inadequate, and lacking in ambition? Hard to tell, but it seems almost as likely that - if OP were happier with herself, her husband's subjective qualities would improve as a result.