How to make peace with a mediocre husband

[Anonymous]

Your list isn't bad for negatives.

My husband is unattractive and emotionally abusive. Spins stories to favour himself and make me seem crazy.

I don't know what the hell happened in my life to be here. I cry myself to.bed most.nights. He doesn't listen and fights a lot.

If I was more successful and the kids were older I would be gone.

I have never opened up to anyone about what our marriage is like.behind closed doors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your list isn't bad for negatives.

My husband is unattractive and emotionally abusive. Spins stories to favour himself and make me seem crazy.

I don't know what the hell happened in my life to be here. I cry myself to.bed most.nights. He doesn't listen and fights a lot.

If I was more successful and the kids were older I would be gone.

I have never opened up to anyone about what our marriage is like.behind closed doors.

Leave. You are creating irreparable damage to your children. As an adult we can learn to compartmentalize and downplay abuse. Children do not had that ability and do not deserve to live in a household where their mother is abused every day. They are taking everything in. And yes, they hear everything going on. You owe your children a life where at least 50% of the time they have a household of piece.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here, I can relate to this. My wife has completely checked out sexually and it clouds everything else.

I try to take inventory of what we do have since you don't realize the non problems. Like, we agree on finances, kids are thriving, we love travel, we love going out.

I will take flack for this but I have given myself permission to have an affair if the right opportunity presents. It seems less overwhelming to think I can have a great sex life again, even if not with her.

Just divorce your wife. You’ll find someone great that you’ll match with sexually. Why worry about getting caught etc. Not sure why more men don’t consider this option.

Kids

Not an excuse. The damage from your affair will be 1000% worse than just a divorce between two incompatible parents. Divorce your wife and find someone better suited to you.

[Anonymous]

I am right there with you, OP. I could have written this.

[Anonymous]

OP dreams of diving into a pile of money Scrooge McDuck style. But her DH is just a GS14 drone and she thought she was marrying a breadwinner b/c he was smart.


OH! This made me laugh so hard! Thanks PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The post about "would you do it all again?" makes me sad. NO I would not do it all again with my spouse. I picked him because of some of his great qualities that I really value in a marriage, but the list of things I feel like I am missing out on in the marriage regularly makes me feel hollow and sad. If I could do it all again I would have held out for closer to the total package. For a long time I tried to convince myself if I had waited longer I might have ended up with nothing (true) but lately I am certain I would take the gamble if I could go back.

Nevertheless here I am. Divorce would seem ridiculous to our family and friends and it would be financially destructive despite the fact that we both make pretty good money. How can I learn to appreciate my husband's good qualities without obsessing about what I feel is missing? Has anyone here succeeded in changing their attitude to become more content in their marriage?

If you need some examples my gripes are that spouse is not sexual enough, kind of boring, and doesn't initiate many things in our life together. He is also not ambitious enough for my taste and in many ways I feel like I am the "man" in the relationship.

His positives are that he is a great listener, very handsome, loving and affectionate. He is also smart and funny.

I know I sound super shallow and awful writing this but I sometimes really crave being with someone who takes initiative so I can relax and feel like a woman.

Please don't be mean and only reply if you have good advice for me.

New poster. OP, I sympathize with so much that you've written here and am in a similar situation, though in my case DH has a high sex drive (not necessarily a positive). No good advice but just writing to say you're not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? Sounds like a mid-life crisis to me. You are blaming your unhappiness on your husband's imagined shortcomings, but it's actually just you.

Plus 1. It sounds like you are not happy with yourself.

Happiness has to come from within yourself. It should not come externally from another person.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Mine is a "fake" loving: loving only when other people are around. Once it's quiet, he would rather watch junk TV and eat junk alone than spend time with me. (no cuddling in bed/laying down together(he decided to sleep in separate bedrooms), no kissing, pretty much nothing other than maintenance sex once in a while to keep me "content").

Mine has plenty of great attributes in almost every other area.

If we cannot fix this, we will divorce. My children will probably suffer(he is a great dad) but I would not advise them to stay in this kind of marriage. I had a great dad, but my mom was very unhappy and I could feel it. I hated it, and when I was around 10, I wrote my parents an anonymous letter asking them to divorce.

Recently my younger kid walked into the bedroom while my DH was on the bed and she was surprised to see him there. Imagine a child being surprised to find both of her parents on the same bed. My heart sank, and I decided things will change or we will divorce.

And no, he was not always like this. We used to cuddle and kiss a lot when we were dating. His excuse is that he is an introvert and tired from parenting/work. Well, everyone has these problems yet they find time to connect with their spouses.

My excuse is that I have been too empathetic towards him, making excuses for his "uncaring" behavior at every stop (it's pretty confusing because he is very caring in general). Maybe he is gay, maybe he is no longer in love with me/attracted to me. Whatever the reason is, the situation is not sustainable. If time away from me is what he wants, he can get all that time he wants when we divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Mine is a "fake" loving: loving only when other people are around. Once it's quiet, he would rather watch junk TV and eat junk alone than spend time with me. (no cuddling in bed/laying down together(he decided to sleep in separate bedrooms), no kissing, pretty much nothing other than maintenance sex once in a while to keep me "content").

Mine has plenty of great attributes in almost every other area.

If we cannot fix this, we will divorce. My children will probably suffer(he is a great dad) but I would not advise them to stay in this kind of marriage. I had a great dad, but my mom was very unhappy and I could feel it. I hated it, and when I was around 10, I wrote my parents an anonymous letter asking them to divorce.

Recently my younger kid walked into the bedroom while my DH was on the bed and she was surprised to see him there. Imagine a child being surprised to find both of her parents on the same bed. My heart sank, and I decided things will change or we will divorce.

And no, he was not always like this. We used to cuddle and kiss a lot when we were dating. His excuse is that he is an introvert and tired from parenting/work. Well, everyone has these problems yet they find time to connect with their spouses.

My excuse is that I have been too empathetic towards him, making excuses for his "uncaring" behavior at every stop (it's pretty confusing because he is very caring in general). Maybe he is gay, maybe he is no longer in love with me/attracted to me. Whatever the reason is, the situation is not sustainable. If time away from me is what he wants, he can get all that time he wants when we divorce.

I think it can happen. Kids changed my husband. There was no way to tell how he would be. And after our third child he stopped doing his share. I can’t tell you why. He’s boring, but not lazy. Not romantic but stable. Divorce is just not a finance drop I’m willing to make. Comfortable it is.

[Anonymous]

Want to trade husbands? Mine is also handsome but a stressed-out, borderline abusive, alpha-male workaholic. Super ambitious, though. You can take him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Mine is a "fake" loving: loving only when other people are around. Once it's quiet, he would rather watch junk TV and eat junk alone than spend time with me. (no cuddling in bed/laying down together(he decided to sleep in separate bedrooms), no kissing, pretty much nothing other than maintenance sex once in a while to keep me "content").

Mine has plenty of great attributes in almost every other area.

If we cannot fix this, we will divorce. My children will probably suffer(he is a great dad) but I would not advise them to stay in this kind of marriage. I had a great dad, but my mom was very unhappy and I could feel it. I hated it, and when I was around 10, I wrote my parents an anonymous letter asking them to divorce.

Recently my younger kid walked into the bedroom while my DH was on the bed and she was surprised to see him there. Imagine a child being surprised to find both of her parents on the same bed. My heart sank, and I decided things will change or we will divorce.

And no, he was not always like this. We used to cuddle and kiss a lot when we were dating. His excuse is that he is an introvert and tired from parenting/work. Well, everyone has these problems yet they find time to connect with their spouses.

My excuse is that I have been too empathetic towards him, making excuses for his "uncaring" behavior at every stop (it's pretty confusing because he is very caring in general). Maybe he is gay, maybe he is no longer in love with me/attracted to me. Whatever the reason is, the situation is not sustainable. If time away from me is what he wants, he can get all that time he wants when we divorce.

Why don’t you look inside before you act. I bet your husband would echo a lot of these comments about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: If I could do it all again I would have held out for closer to the total package.

Honestly, do you really think that a guy "closer to the total package" would choose you?
We only hear about how bad your DH is.

What qualities do you have to deserve "the total package?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Mine is a "fake" loving: loving only when other people are around. Once it's quiet, he would rather watch junk TV and eat junk alone than spend time with me. (no cuddling in bed/laying down together(he decided to sleep in separate bedrooms), no kissing, pretty much nothing other than maintenance sex once in a while to keep me "content").

Mine has plenty of great attributes in almost every other area.

If we cannot fix this, we will divorce. My children will probably suffer(he is a great dad) but I would not advise them to stay in this kind of marriage. I had a great dad, but my mom was very unhappy and I could feel it. I hated it, and when I was around 10, I wrote my parents an anonymous letter asking them to divorce.

Recently my younger kid walked into the bedroom while my DH was on the bed and she was surprised to see him there. Imagine a child being surprised to find both of her parents on the same bed. My heart sank, and I decided things will change or we will divorce.

And no, he was not always like this. We used to cuddle and kiss a lot when we were dating. His excuse is that he is an introvert and tired from parenting/work. Well, everyone has these problems yet they find time to connect with their spouses.

My excuse is that I have been too empathetic towards him, making excuses for his "uncaring" behavior at every stop (it's pretty confusing because he is very caring in general). Maybe he is gay, maybe he is no longer in love with me/attracted to me. Whatever the reason is, the situation is not sustainable. If time away from me is what he wants, he can get all that time he wants when we divorce.

Why don’t you look inside before you act. I bet your husband would echo a lot of these comments about you.

That would be an excellent start. His excuses are pretty much: I am an introvert; I am tired; I am stressed. I am all those things, and I still want a connection with my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice: come to terms with the fact that you’re not so great either.

+1

Nothing in OP’s post suggested that she is some sort of ambitious adventurer.

[Anonymous]

Let's trade husbands. Mine is super ambitious, high earning, handsome, charming, well-endowed life of the party and a great dad when he is around. It also means he travels for work a lot, is rarely mentally present when home, is constantly trying to have sex with me and gets pouty if we don't, and rarely does any of the mental load of raising kids.

Yours sounds ideal, I can live without sex.