How to make peace with a mediocre husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The post about "would you do it all again?" makes me sad. NO I would not do it all again with my spouse. I picked him because of some of his great qualities that I really value in a marriage, but the list of things I feel like I am missing out on in the marriage regularly makes me feel hollow and sad. If I could do it all again I would have held out for closer to the total package. For a long time I tried to convince myself if I had waited longer I might have ended up with nothing (true) but lately I am certain I would take the gamble if I could go back.

Nevertheless here I am. Divorce would seem ridiculous to our family and friends and it would be financially destructive despite the fact that we both make pretty good money. How can I learn to appreciate my husband's good qualities without obsessing about what I feel is missing? Has anyone here succeeded in changing their attitude to become more content in their marriage?

If you need some examples my gripes are that spouse is not sexual enough, kind of boring, and doesn't initiate many things in our life together. He is also not ambitious enough for my taste and in many ways I feel like I am the "man" in the relationship.

His positives are that he is a great listener, very handsome, loving and affectionate. He is also smart and funny.

I know I sound super shallow and awful writing this but I sometimes really crave being with someone who takes initiative so I can relax and feel like a woman.


Please don't be mean and only reply if you have good advice for me.

Please consider that you have the ability to "relax and feel like a woman" all by yourself without having a man force you to do it by "taking the initiative". Your own anxieties, worries, resentments, whatever are what is stopping you from relaxing. Why don't you stop trying to hold your man up to a set of standards you have created and are making you anxious and stopping you from relaxing and feeling feminine and just try feeling like a woman around him just the way he is.

I would like to give this a serious try. You are not wrong in what you say. What makes it tricky is that I feel like I DO relax more easily in the company of some other people who naturally take more initiative. But I don't know what being in a relationship with someone like that would really be like or if it would be challenging in other ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t sound mediocre. Perhaps your marriage feels mediocre, but he himself sounds like a solid guy who would make a lot of women happy. Minus the low sex drive.

He probably doesn't even have a low sex drive. What happened was, she stopped being attracted to him, she kept repelling his sexual advances, eventually he gave up and quit trying, and now in her mind he has a "low sex drive".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? Sounds like a mid-life crisis to me. You are blaming your unhappiness on your husband's imagined shortcomings, but it's actually just you.

Came here to post this. My guess is that you’re not happy with yourself and are looking to pin your unhappiness on him.

My ex-wife did this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t sound mediocre. Perhaps your marriage feels mediocre, but he himself sounds like a solid guy who would make a lot of women happy. Minus the low sex drive.

He probably doesn't even have a low sex drive. What happened was, she stopped being attracted to him, she kept repelling his sexual advances, eventually he gave up and quit trying, and now in her mind he has a "low sex drive".

+1 OP may also be thinking of cheating so she is picking him apart trying to find reasons in her mind to validate this decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t sound mediocre. Perhaps your marriage feels mediocre, but he himself sounds like a solid guy who would make a lot of women happy. Minus the low sex drive.

He probably doesn't even have a low sex drive. What happened was, she stopped being attracted to him, she kept repelling his sexual advances, eventually he gave up and quit trying, and now in her mind he has a "low sex drive".

This is not true, sorry. I am still very attracted to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is a person smart and funny and also boring??

That’s the million dollar question with no answer.

[Anonymous]

I think that it’s likely mid life doldrums. Get therapy for yourself, pick up a new and exciting activity for both of you to do together (each pick one and try both).

The husband really sounds like a good guy and so this is about you. Therapy should help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? Sounds like a mid-life crisis to me. You are blaming your unhappiness on your husband's imagined shortcomings, but it's actually just you.

Came here to post this. My guess is that you’re not happy with yourself and are looking to pin your unhappiness on him.

I am open to considering this, but I think my feelings have gotten stronger as I have become more successful at work. I am more tired due to more hours and feel solely responsible for making my dreams come true. I find myself wishing my DH was contributing more, both financially and in spirit. I am starting to think we don't share the same dreams and wondering how to reconcile that.

This is a big red flag and really points to you being the problem here. You are responsible for your dreams. No one else is every responsible for your dreams. It doesn’t sound like you share a vision/dreams with your spouse.

You need some serious therapy to decide why you are looking at your husband as the problem here. And let him go. He deserves better than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? Sounds like a mid-life crisis to me. You are blaming your unhappiness on your husband's imagined shortcomings, but it's actually just you.

Came here to post this. My guess is that you’re not happy with yourself and are looking to pin your unhappiness on him.

I am open to considering this, but I think my feelings have gotten stronger as I have become more successful at work. I am more tired due to more hours and feel solely responsible for making my dreams come true. I find myself wishing my DH was contributing more, both financially and in spirit. I am starting to think we don't share the same dreams and wondering how to reconcile that.

This is a big red flag and really points to you being the problem here. You are responsible for your dreams. No one else is every responsible for your dreams. It doesn’t sound like you share a vision/dreams with your spouse.

You need some serious therapy to decide why you are looking at your husband as the problem here. And let him go. He deserves better than you.

OP, you lost me here too. Do your dreams involve being taken care of or achieving a certain level of professional success yourself? Do you expect you spouse to help you achieve your professional goals? I'm confused trying to figure out what you want from him?

[Anonymous]

I think op is a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? Sounds like a mid-life crisis to me. You are blaming your unhappiness on your husband's imagined shortcomings, but it's actually just you.

Came here to post this. My guess is that you’re not happy with yourself and are looking to pin your unhappiness on him.

I am open to considering this, but I think my feelings have gotten stronger as I have become more successful at work. I am more tired due to more hours and feel solely responsible for making my dreams come true. I find myself wishing my DH was contributing more, both financially and in spirit. I am starting to think we don't share the same dreams and wondering how to reconcile that.

This is a big red flag and really points to you being the problem here. You are responsible for your dreams. No one else is every responsible for your dreams. It doesn’t sound like you share a vision/dreams with your spouse.

You need some serious therapy to decide why you are looking at your husband as the problem here. And let him go. He deserves better than you.

OP, you lost me here too. Do your dreams involve being taken care of or achieving a certain level of professional success yourself? Do you expect you spouse to help you achieve your professional goals? I'm confused trying to figure out what you want from him?

OP dreams of diving into a pile of money Scrooge McDuck style. But her DH is just a GS14 drone and she thought she was marrying a breadwinner b/c he was smart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think op is a troll.

Then hit the "report" button in the bottom right corner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The post about "would you do it all again?" makes me sad. NO I would not do it all again with my spouse. I picked him because of some of his great qualities that I really value in a marriage, but the list of things I feel like I am missing out on in the marriage regularly makes me feel hollow and sad. If I could do it all again I would have held out for closer to the total package. For a long time I tried to convince myself if I had waited longer I might have ended up with nothing (true) but lately I am certain I would take the gamble if I could go back.

Nevertheless here I am. Divorce would seem ridiculous to our family and friends and it would be financially destructive despite the fact that we both make pretty good money. How can I learn to appreciate my husband's good qualities without obsessing about what I feel is missing? Has anyone here succeeded in changing their attitude to become more content in their marriage?

If you need some examples my gripes are that spouse is not sexual enough, kind of boring, and doesn't initiate many things in our life together. He is also not ambitious enough for my taste and in many ways I feel like I am the "man" in the relationship.

His positives are that he is a great listener, very handsome, loving and affectionate. He is also smart and funny.

I know I sound super shallow and awful writing this but I sometimes really crave being with someone who takes initiative so I can relax and feel like a woman.

Please don't be mean and only reply if you have good advice for me.

you need a therapist to help you figure it out and perhaps gain perspective on what you think is missing. (Hint- it is you that has to change)

[Anonymous]

When you point one finger, there are three fingers pointing back to you. Your happiness in not all up to your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think op is a troll.

Why do you think this a troll post?
I had a mediocre husband who is still carrying $100,000 of student loan debt, has NO retirement, & a savings account of $700.
He can’t seem to find a regular job (going on 8 years) so he does doc review. Meanwhile I’m slugging it out in a job I hate- because his pansy *ss can’t find the ‘right’ job.
I could deal with mediocre husband- if he’d just earn what I make/hold a job.
Medicine usually means can’t/won’t hold a job