How to make peace with a mediocre husband
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Anonymous
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My husband is a very high earner, attractive, smart, good dad, good guy. I find him boring and I’m no longer attracted to him. I make peace with a husband I don’t really like. It happens to all of us.
DH looks amazing on paper. I would trade him for someone who makes me laugh. |
Anonymous
My experience after 20+ years of marriage was that it was ALL NEGATIVE. My ex-wife became entitled in the weeks leading up to the wedding and her bad attitude and lack of contribution to the household only became worse as the years went on. Meanwhile she had a clutch of hens advising her on the optimal time to divorce me, to maximize her payout. |
Anonymous
I’m confused, did your DH make you laugh when you were first dating? Has work stress and married life rendered him humorless? Or were your prioritizing income and such and now regret it. Who knows if you had to do the working parent slog, but had a funny DH, you would bemoan money and working woes. |
Anonymous
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<<Divorce would seem ridiculous to our family and friends>>
This excerpt from your post speaks volumes. Why are taking their views into account, for this major decision about YOUR life. I suspect one reason you even married this "mediocre" guy is for social acceptability (i.e., you were mortified about not being married like your family and friends were or like they expected for you). You probably won't be happy until you start listening to YOURSELF. Your feelings are valid. Start therapy, and don't assume that respecting yourself/your feelings will lead to disaster. It could lead to fulfillment, happiness and pride/empowerment. But you have to tune out worries about what you think others will think. |
Anonymous
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OP ask people in 2nd marriages how that all worked out.
Almost every woman I know has a different set of problems. And worse in many cases. Steps they can't stand, exes, his kids bother her kids, and she can't just spend holidays with her own children. Kids go back and forth seeing the ex and his wife they can't stand while she's stuck with his kids and in-laws. Why do you think 75% of 2nd marriages fail. The ones that survive are probably not happy but stuck. I'd look at that scenario unless you're the type to be happier alone. |
Anonymous
He's a lawyer, eh? |
Anonymous
| You have to switch your thinking if you intend to stay OP. Look at his positive qualities. Look at what you can do to make life better. Don't criticize him. Suggest things you'd both enjoy doing. Get the negative thoughts out of your head because it is probable he knows how negatively you feel. I did all of these things and it has worked out well. I'm glad I didn't get a divorce. Good luck...it's a new year! |
Anonymous
| OP, I'm in a similar situation as you. What I've started to do is to make more friendships outside of the marriage. I gravitate towards people who have the qualities DH is lacking, and it helps some. Obviously some of these things dont translate well such as sexual stuff. However things like finding someone interesting can be done. I even have found a male friend who is very chivalrous, and it helps me to be less resentful of DH for not being so. I hasn't completely solved my problems, I still daydream of finding someone better. But it has eased the frustration substantially. Good luck! |
Anonymous
Hahaha. OP is disappointed in her DH income. How do you find friends to pay for a life style upgrade? And it sounds like you are on the edge of an emotional affair, you recommend that?! |
Anonymous
LOL, this is why so many people who are married a miserable. An emotional affair? What even is that? Just because I am married doesn't make me prohibited from making emotional connections with others...whether they be male or female. Love and belonging are human necessities. Getting married was not an agreement to cut myself emotionally from the rest of the world. If that is how your marriage works, that's fine. I was just offering some alternative suggestions for OP. It's up to each individual household to find what works for them. |
Anonymous
Curious how your husband feels about your emotional connections to other men. |
Anonymous
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The key to a happy marriage is low expectations. On both sides. Unless it is abusive or something like that.
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Anonymous
What are some of his great qualities that you really value? Think about them, write them down, and focus on them every day. What are the things you feel like you're missing out on? Think about them, write them down, and then decide which ones you can let go of and which ones you can't. For the ones you can't, think if there are ways that you can make that happen instead of relying on your husband for it. (I mean, if you wish he was taller, there's not a lot you can do to change that, but you could minimize the importance of that when you look at all the good things or you could go buy yourself some new killer flats that you enjoy wearing so you don't feel like you're towering over him in heels). What do you mean he is not sexual enough? You say he's handsome, loving, and affectionate, so do you mean he's not the throw-you-on-the-bed type that you're thinking of? If so, talk to him. He may now know that that's what you're looking for. When you say he's boring, do you mean you don't have things to talk about? Can you find a common interest? Maybe something funny or fun, like going to a comedy show or just watching or listening to one together. Playing a game, reading the same book so you can discuss, etc. If he doesn't initiate many things in your life together, then that's probably not his personality. So you decide on the things you care about and let the others go. My husband isn't a planner or initiator but he will help out when something is planned, so I take solace in that. Also, if it's something that I don't particularly want to do anyway, I let him plan it. That way if he fails to do so I don't care and I'm also not resentful that I had to do it. If he's not good at, say, planning a getaway for the two of you, but will nonetheless happily go along with something you plan, then be grateful for that. Is his ambition career-related or something else? You say you both make good money, so perhaps focus on the fact that if he was more ambitious he'd be gone more, be more stressed out, etc. Why do you feel like "the man"? I personally hate gender-based stereotypes because who care who does what? If my husband is better at braiding our daughter's hair and I'm better at mowing the lawn or roughhousing with the kids, what difference does it make? I think you need to analyze why you feel like he should do certain things and you should do others. If I were you, I would consider seeing someone yourself so you can talk through your feelings and get an expert's opinion on what you can do to feel better about things. I would also suggest you start practicing gratitude because it sounds like you have a lot of positives in your life. As others have said, he doesn't sound like a "mediocre" guy, so if you really can't appreciate him, then you ought to really consider separating. Life is too short to be miserable, and he deserves to be with someone who really loves him for who he is. |
Anonymous
I think I am having an affair with your DH |
Anonymous
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OP, you keep DH for his good traits, most importantly his wealth. Then you go get yourself an AP.
You’re probably best off going on Tinder seeking a no strings attached FWB. Look for someone who has good handyman skills in every way    Then you always have an excuse for why AP visits, and DH ends up compensating AP for his time
Listen OP, you DESERVE this!!!!!! Remember, YOLO!!! His job is to PROVIDE for you. That means financially first of course. But it also means provide excitement, excellent and committed parenting, and stepping up to do the yard work AND the housework AND the handyman work. And yes, he needs to meet YOUR needs in the boardroom (bank account) AND the bedroom!!! Admittedly that’s a tall order. So get the AP and handyman at least, if not an AP who can do handyman work. You get your needs met, and you’ll stop pressing DH to step up. Feeling less pressure, your DH will relax and do things better. And not just in bringing home more salary or improving his already good appearance and image. He might even step up at night when AP can’t be there.
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