Considering getting my parents an apartment in the same building as me...am I crazy?
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Anonymous
NP here. It is heartbreaking to see your parents decline, especially from dementia. Yes, advanced stage Alzheimer is the opposite of "joy". But do you know what is worse? Children isolating such vulnerable elderly parents and giving up their care to someone else. There is a lot of elder abuse and neglect that happens by paid employees and even relatives. The poster who does not want to take care of the parents should actually not be taking care of them. They are not equipped to do so in more ways than one. The poster who finds joy in taking care of the FIL in their own house, have found the peace and fulfillment that you get in serving your parents and family. I am one of the fortunate ones who have seen this kind of love in my own family. My elderly dad died well looked after, loved and cared for and with all the dignity that he deserved. All of us siblings feel blessed that we were there with him and my mom at all times. The happiness and pride we feel for having taken care of my dad is indescribable. It is an honor to be part of such a family, it is an honor to have such great parents, family and upbringing that we feel blessed to be of service to parents. |
Anonymous
That poster likely used her FIL's money to build a wing onto her house and then used her FIL's money to hire round the clock staff to take care of him. I'm not sure how that's so different than if she had placed her FIL in a care facility. Either way, he is getting his basic needs taken care of by staff. |
Anonymous
Check the turnover rate at those communities for people at this age, it seems quite high. What independence you are talking about? PP? They will have their independence yet they will have someone loving and caring nearby. The independence will decline and you will avoid another replanting and at this age it is a huge bonus. I think your idea is wonderful OP. |
Anonymous
He is deteriorating every day. You're correct. He is probably deteriorating less rapidly because of all the extra stimulation he gets with us but, yes, he is still deteriorating. That is the way this horrible disease works. However, he can deteriorate with us by his side holding his hand every step of the way or he can deteriorate alone and away from us. I don't think you know what true love is if you would want to send away someone who is going through "a true horror" through no fault of their own. That's appalling and callous, and represents such a lack of a value system that words escape me... Even with his "true horror" of a disease, he is a joy to us. Here are two quick examples. It was a great joy to me when I handed him breakfast this morning. In addition to his eggs I included peanut butter toast with banana rounds shaped into a smiley face. His eyes lit up in delight. He didn't have the words to tell me what he was feeling but I could see it and feel it. And it was a joy last night when he, completely unexpectedly, told a little joke at dinner. My husband, children and I were stunned. I haven't laughed so hard in ages. I have no idea where it came from but my oh my it was a joyful experience. I can't bear to think of missing these small joys. They make living with his disease bearable. I find that I have nothing in common with you. I abhor your lack of a value system and I find your attitude disgusting. I am so disturbed by who and what you are that I cannot even find it within myself to engage in any more discourse with you. I will not be responding any more on this thread. |
Anonymous
OP's parents are 85 and 92... |
Anonymous
NP. I’m incredibly jealous of you. I came from such an incredibly abusive family. I envy your family experience so much. |
Anonymous
Well, good for her to use FIL's money to serve him, under her care and in her home. You seem to have a lot of angst about how other people are caring for their families. I am sorry your family life sucks. How about starting another thread about how messed up your life was that makes you so bitter? Or is it that your own family does not have money that you can use to build a wing and get round the clock care that has you so irate? |
Anonymous
| Something tells me we have a troll who is hoping to convince people that residential places are wrong and you there is nothing more wonderful than caring for a difficult elder closeby. |
Anonymous
Not the poster you are responding too, but there is something suspicious about you attacking anyone who disagrees with you and calling them bitter, messed up and mentally ill. Posting rude things on here isn't going to make your son and DIL reconsider having you move in, but I already have empathy for your kids and kids-in-laws and I am so on to you. |
Anonymous
Your expectations will be like a heavy chain around your children's necks. I truly feel for them. Big time. |
Anonymous
At first, the honeymoon stage is fine. But there are considerations people don't think about. At an over 55 community there is minimum 1 community meal per day which forces people to move around, interact with people, etc. At home you get up, eat in your kitchen and watch TV all day... many days, not every day... but more and more as the years wear on. Bathrooms are dangerous. You really need to put in a shower that easily accommodates sitting, walkers and maybe even a wheelchair. Often it gets to a point where a parent needs help. You can hire a nurse to come to your house 1-2x per week to do that, but often family wants to do it and they don't know how to do it properly, falls happen, family feel guilty. Fathers especially do not want an daughter cleaning him, a nurse makes more sense. (This can be done both at home and an over 55 community.) Hair, dr, dentist, etc are all on campus and residents can just take the shuttle. But if you are in a home often it is varied locations to get to a dr. Eventually you realize a parent can't drive anymore and you have to take away driving privileges and parent become more dependent on family. Family are fine with it at first, then they start arguing about who' turn it is. Also being dependent on family, women often take over everythign and the parent doesn't even have to remember, time, location or even what doctor they are seeing that day... this is not good for the brain. It's just human nature for women to "take care of it". Family often help "because they love their parent" but if parents do more for themselves, have more interaction with people, etc... their brains function better. Trying to lift a grown man when you are a 55+ old woman or man is dangerous for you back. If you parent is 80, you are most likely over 50. You try to help you parent and pull you back, now you have 2 people injured. When electricity goes out in a community, there are back up generators, light food is still served and air/heat still work. Apartment especially are dangerous when they lose power. Last power outage in Silver Spring 2 elderly people that I know of died because the elevator did not work, they could not go down the steps and they had no air conditioner. Their phone would not charge, family could not get to them and by the time they did they were dead. Changing a diaper for a grown adult is not easy for somebody that is not a trained nurse. Over 55 communities have rehabs on campus for resident that need more care, often it is for a short period of time and then they can move back to their apartment. Since the rehab is on the shuttle route residents visit often. Most older people that go to rehab from home have few visitors. Even if the apartment is in a walkable community you will notice if you watch the news many pedestrian accidents are teens and older people. Walking is not safe even in a walkable community, crossing the road is dangerous. People overestimate what their parents can handle doing. People that work in over 55 communities have many activities and are aware of resources and limitations. I could go on forever and each family situation is different. BTW if you have an elderly parent that can't drive this service will send them an Uber driver (855) GOGO-USA. Also in many areas there is a taxi company that give 2 free rides a month. |
Anonymous
| Let your father feed himself as long as possible, its good for his brain. Resist the urge to want to feed him because he is struggling, it is easier and faster. |
Anonymous
| At that age they might soon need medical assistance. Some communities only allow people who can “walk in,” so waiting too late to join means home aids, hospice, and other complex/costly issues. Just something to take into consideration for moves at that age. |
Anonymous
Thank you. |
Anonymous
Wow, a lot of assumption and projecting. Is it what YOU would have done, PP? That person said that THEY SPENT more on FIL's care than on their kids. You and the person who assumed that this poster is "happy" to take FIL's SSI and whatnot are seriously human PO$. |