Considering getting my parents an apartment in the same building as me...am I crazy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is unhealthy.

If they moved to an over 55 community all their amenities will be right there which will encourage independence ... which is healthy.

If you are close you will do everything for them which will make their health decline faster.

You are looking at assisted living through rose colored glasses.

PP is shilling for her own business.

Nope. I do home health care and see the damage it does to families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my parents' condo complex I can think of at least 3 family groups where the parent/s and at least one child live in the same building or adjacent building. These are people I only know from happenstance, like we meet in the elevator, so I can imagine that the actual percentage is pretty high. There also are a lot of siblings who live in adjacent condos. To my knowledge there also area lot of arrangements where a parent and child are sharing a condo.

I think this works for people who have good relationships. They may not be perfect relationships but the people tolerate each others' idiosyncrasies and give each other the latitude to be a little weird (because, frankly, we're all a little weird). The poster who keeps saying it is "unhealthy" obviously has some mental health issues herself so it would not be a good arrangement for her.

I would do it, OP. My FIL lives with us and it has been a wonderful experience.

I agree with all of this. OP sounds like she has a good understanding of the family dynamic. I think it could make her life a lot easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my parents' condo complex I can think of at least 3 family groups where the parent/s and at least one child live in the same building or adjacent building. These are people I only know from happenstance, like we meet in the elevator, so I can imagine that the actual percentage is pretty high. There also are a lot of siblings who live in adjacent condos. To my knowledge there also area lot of arrangements where a parent and child are sharing a condo.

I think this works for people who have good relationships. They may not be perfect relationships but the people tolerate each others' idiosyncrasies and give each other the latitude to be a little weird (because, frankly, we're all a little weird). The poster who keeps saying it is[b] "unhealthy" obviously has some mental health issues herself so it would not be a good arrangement for her.
[/b]
I would do it, OP. My FIL lives with us and it has been a wonderful experience.

I agree with all of this. OP sounds like she has a good understanding of the family dynamic. I think it could make her life a lot easier.

It's easy to judge when you haven't experienced what dementia does to some people. May you never have to experience the all out abuse a senior with a horrid form of dementia who used to be kind can dole out to those there for her most. Of course if you did experience it my guess it you would not be so quick to label the victim as having mental health issues. Karma is a bitch.

[Anonymous]

we live in a luxury building and there at least a third of the owners are older couples. there are also some families with small children (like ours), but most are millenials and single professionals.

older people usually have the best condos and their grandchildren visit frequently.

[Anonymous]

I would love this set-up. I worry about my parents being so far away. With their own apartment, they have their own space, and they're not in mine. The close proximity would be so convenient for checking up on them, picking them up for doctor's appointments, I can drop off stuff for them easily, and my mom can still cook me soup when I'm sick. It would be even better if they had friends nearby.

[Anonymous]

I see that everybody that is saying it’s great idea I’ve never done it.

OP, You really need to talk to people have been through this because it’s not how you imagine it’s going to be. Now if you just don’t have the money trying to save money or you’re trying to protect and inheritance that’s a different story

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my parents' condo complex I can think of at least 3 family groups where the parent/s and at least one child live in the same building or adjacent building. These are people I only know from happenstance, like we meet in the elevator, so I can imagine that the actual percentage is pretty high. There also are a lot of siblings who live in adjacent condos. To my knowledge there also area lot of arrangements where a parent and child are sharing a condo.

I think this works for people who have good relationships. They may not be perfect relationships but the people tolerate each others' idiosyncrasies and give each other the latitude to be a little weird (because, frankly, we're all a little weird). The poster who keeps saying it is[b] "unhealthy" obviously has some mental health issues herself so it would not be a good arrangement for her.
[/b]
I would do it, OP. My FIL lives with us and it has been a wonderful experience.

I agree with all of this. OP sounds like she has a good understanding of the family dynamic. I think it could make her life a lot easier.

It's easy to judge when you haven't experienced what dementia does to some people. May you never have to experience the all out abuse a senior with a horrid form of dementia who used to be kind can dole out to those there for her most. Of course if you did experience it my guess it you would not be so quick to label the victim as having mental health issues. Karma is a bitch.

. Well I work in memory care as well and I think your idea that it's "unhealthy" to not outsource care is a little ridiculous. 70% of those with dementia reside at home. We need better community supports for caregivers but the idea that family shouldn't be in the same building without being unhealthy is insane. It's also culturally biased bc it's only that way here! And with the silver tsunami nor whatever buzz word they call it, coming intergenerational living is going to just become a reality of American culture for a HUGE segment of the population that can't afford other options

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would love this set-up. I worry about my parents being so far away. With their own apartment, they have their own space, and they're not in mine. The close proximity would be so convenient for checking up on them, picking them up for doctor's appointments, I can drop off stuff for them easily, and my mom can still cook me soup when I'm sick. It would be even better if they had friends nearby.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my parents' condo complex I can think of at least 3 family groups where the parent/s and at least one child live in the same building or adjacent building. These are people I only know from happenstance, like we meet in the elevator, so I can imagine that the actual percentage is pretty high. There also are a lot of siblings who live in adjacent condos. To my knowledge there also area lot of arrangements where a parent and child are sharing a condo.

I think this works for people who have good relationships. They may not be perfect relationships but the people tolerate each others' idiosyncrasies and give each other the latitude to be a little weird (because, frankly, we're all a little weird). The poster who keeps saying it is[b] "unhealthy" obviously has some mental health issues herself so it would not be a good arrangement for her.
[/b]
I would do it, OP. My FIL lives with us and it has been a wonderful experience.

I agree with all of this. OP sounds like she has a good understanding of the family dynamic. I think it could make her life a lot easier.

It's easy to judge when you haven't experienced what dementia does to some people. May you never have to experience the all out abuse a senior with a horrid form of dementia who used to be kind can dole out to those there for her most. Of course if you did experience it my guess it you would not be so quick to label the victim as having mental health issues. Karma is a bitch.

My FIL has dementia and he lives with us. He has lived with us for 3-4 years now. I absolutely do know what it is like. I can tell you that your perspective is skewed and the PP is probably right that you -do- have your own mental health issues. Stop projecting and start working on fixing your own problems.

The addition of my FIL to our household has been the greatest joy to us. He enriches our lives daily. Have we had to make accommodations? Certainly. Have we had to make changes to our lives to ensure that he is healthy, happy and comfortable? Again, certainly. Yet we wouldn't change the experience for the world. We and our children are blessed by his proximity and every day we are thankful that we made the decisions we did.

I think the only "victim" in your drama is the poor person with dementia who has to tolerate you and your intolerance. Get help. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is unhealthy.

If they moved to an over 55 community all their amenities will be right there which will encourage independence ... which is healthy.

If you are close you will do everything for them which will make their health decline faster.

You are looking at assisted living through rose colored glasses.

PP is shilling for her own business.

Nope. I do home health care and see the damage it does to families.

Can you elaborate? What kind of damage to families do you see based on your experiences as a home health care professional? When you are old where would you prefer to live?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my parents' condo complex I can think of at least 3 family groups where the parent/s and at least one child live in the same building or adjacent building. These are people I only know from happenstance, like we meet in the elevator, so I can imagine that the actual percentage is pretty high. There also are a lot of siblings who live in adjacent condos. To my knowledge there also area lot of arrangements where a parent and child are sharing a condo.

I think this works for people who have good relationships. They may not be perfect relationships but the people tolerate each others' idiosyncrasies and give each other the latitude to be a little weird (because, frankly, we're all a little weird). The poster who keeps saying it is[b] "unhealthy" obviously has some mental health issues herself so it would not be a good arrangement for her.
[/b]
I would do it, OP. My FIL lives with us and it has been a wonderful experience.

I agree with all of this. OP sounds like she has a good understanding of the family dynamic. I think it could make her life a lot easier.

It's easy to judge when you haven't experienced what dementia does to some people. May you never have to experience the all out abuse a senior with a horrid form of dementia who used to be kind can dole out to those there for her most. Of course if you did experience it my guess it you would not be so quick to label the victim as having mental health issues. Karma is a bitch.

My FIL has dementia and he lives with us. He has lived with us for 3-4 years now. I absolutely do know what it is like. I can tell you that your perspective is skewed and the PP is probably right that you -do- have your own mental health issues. Stop projecting and start working on fixing your own problems.

The addition of my FIL to our household has been the greatest joy to us. He enriches our lives daily. Have we had to make accommodations? Certainly. Have we had to make changes to our lives to ensure that he is healthy, happy and comfortable? Again, certainly. Yet we wouldn't change the experience for the world. We and our children are blessed by his proximity and every day we are thankful that we made the decisions we did.

I think the only "victim" in your drama is the poor person with dementia who has to tolerate you and your intolerance. Get help. Seriously.

It's great that having your FIL living with you is working out so well. Do you never go away without him? Is he o.k. to leave for extended periods while you go to your own medical appointments, take your kids to college or just want to meet friends downtown for drinks and some music?

If you are a serious homebody who craves the company, I can see this arrangement working out well. Maybe you really appreciate the extra money his pension and social security contribute to your household. But, if you are the least bit independent, have other responsibilities and like to get away from time to time without having to round up a sitter for your father then this arrangement would probably not work out so well for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my parents' condo complex I can think of at least 3 family groups where the parent/s and at least one child live in the same building or adjacent building. These are people I only know from happenstance, like we meet in the elevator, so I can imagine that the actual percentage is pretty high. There also are a lot of siblings who live in adjacent condos. To my knowledge there also area lot of arrangements where a parent and child are sharing a condo.

I think this works for people who have good relationships. They may not be perfect relationships but the people tolerate each others' idiosyncrasies and give each other the latitude to be a little weird (because, frankly, we're all a little weird). The poster who keeps saying it is[b] "unhealthy" obviously has some mental health issues herself so it would not be a good arrangement for her.
[/b]
I would do it, OP. My FIL lives with us and it has been a wonderful experience.

I agree with all of this. OP sounds like she has a good understanding of the family dynamic. I think it could make her life a lot easier.

It's easy to judge when you haven't experienced what dementia does to some people. May you never have to experience the all out abuse a senior with a horrid form of dementia who used to be kind can dole out to those there for her most. Of course if you did experience it my guess it you would not be so quick to label the victim as having mental health issues. Karma is a bitch.

My FIL has dementia and he lives with us. He has lived with us for 3-4 years now. I absolutely do know what it is like. I can tell you that your perspective is skewed and the PP is probably right that you -do- have your own mental health issues. Stop projecting and start working on fixing your own problems.

The addition of my FIL to our household has been the greatest joy to us. He enriches our lives daily. Have we had to make accommodations? Certainly. Have we had to make changes to our lives to ensure that he is healthy, happy and comfortable? Again, certainly. Yet we wouldn't change the experience for the world. We and our children are blessed by his proximity and every day we are thankful that we made the decisions we did.

I think the only "victim" in your drama is the poor person with dementia who has to tolerate you and your intolerance. Get help. Seriously.

It's great that having your FIL living with you is working out so well. Do you never go away without him? Is he o.k. to leave for extended periods while you go to your own medical appointments, take your kids to college or just want to meet friends downtown for drinks and some music?

If you are a serious homebody who craves the company, I can see this arrangement working out well. Maybe you really appreciate the extra money his pension and social security contribute to your household. But, if you are the least bit independent, have other responsibilities and like to get away from time to time without having to round up a sitter for your father then this arrangement would probably not work out so well for you.

NP here. You guys are obviously in different stages of caretaking and you’re completely talking past each other.

OP sounds more like her situation is like the FIL poster in that her parents need minor support and she’d feel better having them closer so she could check on them. It sounds like the FIL is very much in the early stages of dementia where the intricacies of running a household are difficult but he’s otherwise capable of taking care of himself.

The overwhelmed PP seems to be caring for someone with severe needs. Someone who can’t be left alone without a sitter. I agree that is absolutely exhausting. It’s like having a toddler for years and years and the toddler never grows up and never gets potty trained. I can see why she thinks this is a bad idea.

OP, I think I think based on the feedback and your responses, it would be a good idea to have your parents move into your condo. However, take the warnings seriously. It’s always good to make a plan for what happens IF (or when) they can no longer live in their own. Since you would be living the closest to them, you’d be the first to notice the signs of decline. It’s good to make a plan when everyone is still healthy and cognitively able to understand their choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my parents' condo complex I can think of at least 3 family groups where the parent/s and at least one child live in the same building or adjacent building. These are people I only know from happenstance, like we meet in the elevator, so I can imagine that the actual percentage is pretty high. There also are a lot of siblings who live in adjacent condos. To my knowledge there also area lot of arrangements where a parent and child are sharing a condo.

I think this works for people who have good relationships. They may not be perfect relationships but the people tolerate each others' idiosyncrasies and give each other the latitude to be a little weird (because, frankly, we're all a little weird). The poster who keeps saying it is[b] "unhealthy" obviously has some mental health issues herself so it would not be a good arrangement for her.
[/b]
I would do it, OP. My FIL lives with us and it has been a wonderful experience.

I agree with all of this. OP sounds like she has a good understanding of the family dynamic. I think it could make her life a lot easier.

It's easy to judge when you haven't experienced what dementia does to some people. May you never have to experience the all out abuse a senior with a horrid form of dementia who used to be kind can dole out to those there for her most. Of course if you did experience it my guess it you would not be so quick to label the victim as having mental health issues. Karma is a bitch.

My FIL has dementia and he lives with us. He has lived with us for 3-4 years now. I absolutely do know what it is like. I can tell you that your perspective is skewed and the PP is probably right that you -do- have your own mental health issues. Stop projecting and start working on fixing your own problems.

The addition of my FIL to our household has been the greatest joy to us. He enriches our lives daily. Have we had to make accommodations? Certainly. Have we had to make changes to our lives to ensure that he is healthy, happy and comfortable? Again, certainly. Yet we wouldn't change the experience for the world. We and our children are blessed by his proximity and every day we are thankful that we made the decisions we did.

I think the only "victim" in your drama is the poor person with dementia who has to tolerate you and your intolerance. Get help. Seriously.

It's great that having your FIL living with you is working out so well. Do you never go away without him? Is he o.k. to leave for extended periods while you go to your own medical appointments, take your kids to college or just want to meet friends downtown for drinks and some music?

If you are a serious homebody who craves the company, I can see this arrangement working out well. Maybe you really appreciate the extra money his pension and social security contribute to your household. But, if you are the least bit independent, have other responsibilities and like to get away from time to time without having to round up a sitter for your father then this arrangement would probably not work out so well for you.

NP here. You guys are obviously in different stages of caretaking and you’re completely talking past each other.

OP sounds more like her situation is like the FIL poster in that her parents need minor support and she’d feel better having them closer so she could check on them. It sounds like the FIL is very much in the early stages of dementia where the intricacies of running a household are difficult but he’s otherwise capable of taking care of himself.

The overwhelmed PP seems to be caring for someone with severe needs. Someone who can’t be left alone without a sitter. I agree that is absolutely exhausting. It’s like having a toddler for years and years and the toddler never grows up and never gets potty trained. I can see why she thinks this is a bad idea.

OP, I think I think based on the feedback and your responses, it would be a good idea to have your parents move into your condo. However, take the warnings seriously. It’s always good to make a plan for what happens IF (or when) they can no longer live in their own. Since you would be living the closest to them, you’d be the first to notice the signs of decline. It’s good to make a plan when everyone is still healthy and cognitively able to understand their choices.

I'm the poster who said "it's great that having your FIL living with you is working out so well". I was responding to the pp who was saying what a joy it is to have her FIL living in her house. That was my first post on this topic. I took exception to that poster's tone and comments. It's possible that she would personally LOVE to have a parent with dementia move in with her, regardless of the stage of their dementia. Some people truly having a calling for this type of loving work. I, personally, could not live with that 24/7. It doesn't mean that I don't love my parent because I absolutely do. It simply means that I need a certain amount of my own personal independence for my health and sanity. I *need* to be able to go on vacation or have a sick day at home w/o worrying nonstop about a confused/addled adult living in my home.

Folks with early dementia may need limited support but they DO need support. An Independent Living community might be something to look into at this stage.

[Anonymous]

He is in the late stages of dementia. He needs 24/7 support.

I don't understand how you cannot understand that despite his needs it is still a joy to have him in our household. We made some major changes to our lives to accommodate him: large -secure- addition to keep him safe with both indoor and outdoor space, 24-7 care, enrichment services like art and music therapy, etc.

One person, perhaps it is you, was so crass as to say that we are doing it for the money. Hah. Not that we are counting a dime but we spend far more in care than we do on our children's schools. And he is worth it. We would not change a single choice that we've made because he is a member of our family and what we're doing has blessed us in so many ways. I'm sorry that you're such a small-minded and short-sighted person that you cannot understand that.

That you *need* to go on vacation and that you could call any person *addled* is horrifying to me. You are disgusting and a horrible example of a human being. I am so glad that I do not know you and that you are not in our neighborhood. People like you make me want to throw up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is in the late stages of dementia. He needs 24/7 support.

I don't understand how you cannot understand that despite his needs it is still a joy to have him in our household. We made some major changes to our lives to accommodate him: large -secure- addition to keep him safe with both indoor and outdoor space, 24-7 care, enrichment services like art and music therapy, etc.

One person, perhaps it is you, was so crass as to say that we are doing it for the money. Hah. Not that we are counting a dime but we spend far more in care than we do on our children's schools. And he is worth it. We would not change a single choice that we've made because he is a member of our family and what we're doing has blessed us in so many ways. I'm sorry that you're such a small-minded and short-sighted person that you cannot understand that.

That you *need* to go on vacation and that you could call any person *addled* is horrifying to me. You are disgusting and a horrible example of a human being. I am so glad that I do not know you and that you are not in our neighborhood. People like you make me want to throw up.

So basically you built a wing onto your house for him and hired a full time staff to look out for him 24/7. Maybe that is why he is such a "joy" to you. Honestly, watching someone you love deteriorate every day into advanced stage Alzheimer's is the opposite of "joy" in my book. It's a living nightmare. A true horror.