Considering getting my parents an apartment in the same building as me...am I crazy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
That poster likely used her FIL's money to build a wing onto her house and then used her FIL's money to hire round the clock staff to take care of him. I'm not sure how that's so different than if she had placed her FIL in a care facility. Either way, he is getting his basic needs taken care of by staff.

Wow, a lot of assumption and projecting. Is it what YOU would have done, PP? That person said that THEY SPENT more on FIL's care than on their kids.

You and the person who assumed that this poster is "happy" to take FIL's SSI and whatnot are seriously human PO$.

And by the way, i am NP, haven't posted on this thread before.

[Anonymous]

We're looking into this with my inlaws, with the slight difference that they would get a condo first (we already live in DC; they don't) and we'd consider buying one in the same building eventually. We're also looking at houses we could all buy together (with bedrooms on different levels, some with separate rental units, etc.).

I don't think it's right for everyone--I would 100% not ever live with either of my parents--but I am willing to do this with my inlaws. My wife lived with her parents for a year as an adult before we were dating, and felt that they were good at respecting her privacy. My experience with them is the same when we visit them or vice versa. We'd both be giving up some autonomy and lots of other things (I will probably feel less able to be messy with them living so much closer, they may have to share space with our cats even though they've never had a pet before) but financially and socially it may wind up being good for all 4 of us. If it isn't, we won't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
That poster likely used her FIL's money to build a wing onto her house and then used her FIL's money to hire round the clock staff to take care of him. I'm not sure how that's so different than if she had placed her FIL in a care facility. Either way, he is getting his basic needs taken care of by staff.

Wow, a lot of assumption and projecting. Is it what YOU would have done, PP? That person said that THEY SPENT more on FIL's care than on their kids.

You and the person who assumed that this poster is "happy" to take FIL's SSI and whatnot are seriously human PO$.

And by the way, i am NP, haven't posted on this thread before.

Reread what she said. She built an addition onto her house that her FIL lives in and staffed it with round the clock caregivers. Either she is filthy rich and using her own money or she is using her FIL's money. Either way, staff is caring for him. Op is visiting him much as one would do in a care facility. She is not doing hands on heavy duty eldercare, she has a staff for that. That is why this arrangement is such a joy for her. If she were, herself, trying to wrestle a combative dementia patient into an adult diaper and responsible for making sure that he stayed clean and got to his appointments...I don't know that the situation would be such a win-win for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
That poster likely used her FIL's money to build a wing onto her house and then used her FIL's money to hire round the clock staff to take care of him. I'm not sure how that's so different than if she had placed her FIL in a care facility. Either way, he is getting his basic needs taken care of by staff.

Wow, a lot of assumption and projecting. Is it what YOU would have done, PP? That person said that THEY SPENT more on FIL's care than on their kids.

You and the person who assumed that this poster is "happy" to take FIL's SSI and whatnot are seriously human PO$.

And by the way, i am NP, haven't posted on this thread before.

Reread what she said. She built an addition onto her house that her FIL lives in and staffed it with round the clock caregivers. Either she is filthy rich and using her own money or she is using her FIL's money. Either way, staff is caring for him. Op is visiting him much as one would do in a care facility. She is not doing hands on heavy duty eldercare, she has a staff for that. That is why this arrangement is such a joy for her. If she were, herself, trying to wrestle a combative dementia patient into an adult diaper and responsible for making sure that he stayed clean and got to his appointments...I don't know that the situation would be such a win-win for her.

But she made breakfast for him and dinner the night before. She talks about it in subsequent posts. Exactly how little do you think she's seeing him if she's making his dinner and watching him eat it, and making breakfast and watching him eat it. You're upset because no one agrees with you so you now you are making crazy statements that make it sound like you're jealous. If he would have caregivers at a facility and he has caregivers at her house, what does it matter to you? She still sees him a lot more at her house than if he were at a facility. Give it up. You've already lost the battle and now you sound like a baby having a temper tantrum stomping your feet.

NP btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
That poster likely used her FIL's money to build a wing onto her house and then used her FIL's money to hire round the clock staff to take care of him. I'm not sure how that's so different than if she had placed her FIL in a care facility. Either way, he is getting his basic needs taken care of by staff.

Wow, a lot of assumption and projecting. Is it what YOU would have done, PP? That person said that THEY SPENT more on FIL's care than on their kids.

You and the person who assumed that this poster is "happy" to take FIL's SSI and whatnot are seriously human PO$.

And by the way, i am NP, haven't posted on this thread before.

Reread what she said. She built an addition onto her house that her FIL lives in and staffed it with round the clock caregivers. Either she is filthy rich and using her own money or she is using her FIL's money. Either way, staff is caring for him. Op is visiting him much as one would do in a care facility. She is not doing hands on heavy duty eldercare, she has a staff for that. That is why this arrangement is such a joy for her. If she were, herself, trying to wrestle a combative dementia patient into an adult diaper and responsible for making sure that he stayed clean and got to his appointments...I don't know that the situation would be such a win-win for her.

But she made breakfast for him and dinner the night before. She talks about it in subsequent posts. Exactly how little do you think she's seeing him if she's making his dinner and watching him eat it, and making breakfast and watching him eat it. You're upset because no one agrees with you so you now you are making crazy statements that make it sound like you're jealous. If he would have caregivers at a facility and he has caregivers at her house, what does it matter to you? She still sees him a lot more at her house than if he were at a facility. Give it up. You've already lost the battle and now you sound like a baby having a temper tantrum stomping your feet.

NP btw.

I'm not upset at all. She makes him meals on occasion and sits and watches him eat them. When my dad was in a nursing home my family brought him food and sat with him while he ate it, too. In fact, my mom visited my dad almost every day and I visited him a couple of times a week when I got off of work. When we weren't there he had a staff to look out for him and the other residents for company 24/7 - he was never alone.

[Anonymous]

At their ages you should be considering a progressive retirement facility where they can have their own place but with care down the road. If they were ten years younger moving into your building would be ideal but at 85 and 92 they will face issues that will be difficult for you to handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At their ages you should be considering a progressive retirement facility where they can have their own place but with care down the road. If they were ten years younger moving into your building would be ideal but at 85 and 92 they will face issues that will be difficult for you to handle.

This! Their issues can change significantly in a short time. I would look at ASL places at this age that can handle their decline in the near future. If you wait..they will not be able to get into a suitable ASL place and your only option will be the nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
That poster likely used her FIL's money to build a wing onto her house and then used her FIL's money to hire round the clock staff to take care of him. I'm not sure how that's so different than if she had placed her FIL in a care facility. Either way, he is getting his basic needs taken care of by staff.

Wow, a lot of assumption and projecting. Is it what YOU would have done, PP? That person said that THEY SPENT more on FIL's care than on their kids.

You and the person who assumed that this poster is "happy" to take FIL's SSI and whatnot are seriously human PO$.

And by the way, i am NP, haven't posted on this thread before.

Reread what she said. She built an addition onto her house that her FIL lives in and staffed it with round the clock caregivers. Either she is filthy rich and using her own money or she is using her FIL's money. Either way, staff is caring for him. Op is visiting him much as one would do in a care facility. She is not doing hands on heavy duty eldercare, she has a staff for that. That is why this arrangement is such a joy for her. If she were, herself, trying to wrestle a combative dementia patient into an adult diaper and responsible for making sure that he stayed clean and got to his appointments...I don't know that the situation would be such a win-win for her.

But she made breakfast for him and dinner the night before. She talks about it in subsequent posts. Exactly how little do you think she's seeing him if she's making his dinner and watching him eat it, and making breakfast and watching him eat it. You're upset because no one agrees with you so you now you are making crazy statements that make it sound like you're jealous. If he would have caregivers at a facility and he has caregivers at her house, what does it matter to you? She still sees him a lot more at her house than if he were at a facility. Give it up. You've already lost the battle and now you sound like a baby having a temper tantrum stomping your feet.

NP btw.

I'm not upset at all. She makes him meals on occasion and sits and watches him eat them. When my dad was in a nursing home my family brought him food and sat with him while he ate it, too. In fact, my mom visited my dad almost every day and I visited him a couple of times a week when I got off of work. When we weren't there he had a staff to look out for him and the other residents for company 24/7 - he was never alone.

NP here. If you think people want to be in nursing homes in the first place, rather than with family, then no one can explain it to you. Living with family vs being visited by family once in a day or twice a week are two very different things. The psychological pain of being away from your family and home in your last days is horrible.

I guess you did what you were capable of doing. My mom would have never wanted my dad to to alone in a nursing home and she and we made it happen that dad and mom were with us, when my dad passed away. It is interesting that a father can raise four children without any problems, but these same children can't take care of him in the old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m downsizing to an apartment now that the kids are grown and out of the house.

My parents (85 and 92) still live in their house. They have been very resistant to moving out. They’re still independent for the most part and in good shape, but their house is 3 stories and it’s a lot for them to handle.

The building where I’m moving has larger apartments and I think they could be really comfortable there. Obviously, I’d be able to check in on them a lot more regularly than I currently do.

The downside is that I can envision a scenario where I’d get knocks on my door all the time from my dad...but at 92 in a way I want to be there for him whenever he’d want to see me.

Am I crazy? Is this a terrible idea? Has anyone done this?

Done it and it worked out great for a number of years, till the time they were independent and able. After my dad had stroke, dad and mom moved in with my brother. They also visited all the kids and stayed with us for several months at a time. Each of us had rooms set up for them. If they wanted to travel or go somewhere to visit, one of us (siblings) escorted them everywhere, and that continued for a few more years. When dad became bed-ridden, they stayed at my brother's and then we all visited them very frequently. Dad died at home with my brother and mom with him. We also had caregivers who looked after his needs supervised by my mom and brother. Mom and my brother did not trust anyone to take care of him correctly, so they basically were there all the time. My dad passed away with a smile on his face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
That poster likely used her FIL's money to build a wing onto her house and then used her FIL's money to hire round the clock staff to take care of him. I'm not sure how that's so different than if she had placed her FIL in a care facility. Either way, he is getting his basic needs taken care of by staff.

Wow, a lot of assumption and projecting. Is it what YOU would have done, PP? That person said that THEY SPENT more on FIL's care than on their kids.

You and the person who assumed that this poster is "happy" to take FIL's SSI and whatnot are seriously human PO$.

And by the way, i am NP, haven't posted on this thread before.

Reread what she said. She built an addition onto her house that her FIL lives in and staffed it with round the clock caregivers. Either she is filthy rich and using her own money or she is using her FIL's money. Either way, staff is caring for him. Op is visiting him much as one would do in a care facility. She is not doing hands on heavy duty eldercare, she has a staff for that. That is why this arrangement is such a joy for her. If she were, herself, trying to wrestle a combative dementia patient into an adult diaper and responsible for making sure that he stayed clean and got to his appointments...I don't know that the situation would be such a win-win for her.

But she made breakfast for him and dinner the night before. She talks about it in subsequent posts. Exactly how little do you think she's seeing him if she's making his dinner and watching him eat it, and making breakfast and watching him eat it. You're upset because no one agrees with you so you now you are making crazy statements that make it sound like you're jealous. If he would have caregivers at a facility and he has caregivers at her house, what does it matter to you? She still sees him a lot more at her house than if he were at a facility. Give it up. You've already lost the battle and now you sound like a baby having a temper tantrum stomping your feet.

NP btw.

I'm not upset at all. She makes him meals on occasion and sits and watches him eat them. When my dad was in a nursing home my family brought him food and sat with him while he ate it, too. In fact, my mom visited my dad almost every day and I visited him a couple of times a week when I got off of work. When we weren't there he had a staff to look out for him and the other residents for company 24/7 - he was never alone.

NP here. If you think people want to be in nursing homes in the first place, rather than with family, then no one can explain it to you. Living with family vs being visited by family once in a day or twice a week are two very different things. The psychological pain of being away from your family and home in your last days is horrible.

I guess you did what you were capable of doing. My mom would have never wanted my dad to to alone in a nursing home and she and we made it happen that dad and mom were with us, when my dad passed away. It is interesting that a father can raise four children without any problems, but these same children can't take care of him in the old age.

People don't *want* to develop early onset Alzheimer's but bad things happen. FWIW, people with dementia often say "I want to go home". They can be sitting on a living room couch in a house that they've lived in for 40 or 50 years and still say "I want to go home". At a certain point, they stop recognizing people or they might call their adult daughter by their beloved aunt's name. Maybe Aunt Jane passed away before the daughter was even born.

People in advanced stage dementia can not be left unsupervised, ever. They can't be around things like stoves or knives. They wander the house at night and sometimes they get out and wander the street - no coat, barefoot in the snow. They can be combative and resistant which poses a very real danger to their caregiver.

I didn't *want* my dad to go into a locked Alzheimer's unit but I was close enough to the situation to see that there was really no other choice. There was a former judge, a noted scientist, a school teacher, an engineer, a homemaker in that unit. One of them tried to eat the fake fruit off of a holiday wreath that a family member had put on their room door. It's a terrible disease and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
That poster likely used her FIL's money to build a wing onto her house and then used her FIL's money to hire round the clock staff to take care of him. I'm not sure how that's so different than if she had placed her FIL in a care facility. Either way, he is getting his basic needs taken care of by staff.

Wow, a lot of assumption and projecting. Is it what YOU would have done, PP? That person said that THEY SPENT more on FIL's care than on their kids.

You and the person who assumed that this poster is "happy" to take FIL's SSI and whatnot are seriously human PO$.

And by the way, i am NP, haven't posted on this thread before.

Reread what she said. She built an addition onto her house that her FIL lives in and staffed it with round the clock caregivers. Either she is filthy rich and using her own money or she is using her FIL's money. Either way, staff is caring for him. Op is visiting him much as one would do in a care facility. She is not doing hands on heavy duty eldercare, she has a staff for that. That is why this arrangement is such a joy for her. If she were, herself, trying to wrestle a combative dementia patient into an adult diaper and responsible for making sure that he stayed clean and got to his appointments...I don't know that the situation would be such a win-win for her.

But she made breakfast for him and dinner the night before. She talks about it in subsequent posts. Exactly how little do you think she's seeing him if she's making his dinner and watching him eat it, and making breakfast and watching him eat it. You're upset because no one agrees with you so you now you are making crazy statements that make it sound like you're jealous. If he would have caregivers at a facility and he has caregivers at her house, what does it matter to you? She still sees him a lot more at her house than if he were at a facility. Give it up. You've already lost the battle and now you sound like a baby having a temper tantrum stomping your feet.

NP btw.

I'm not upset at all. She makes him meals on occasion and sits and watches him eat them. When my dad was in a nursing home my family brought him food and sat with him while he ate it, too. In fact, my mom visited my dad almost every day and I visited him a couple of times a week when I got off of work. When we weren't there he had a staff to look out for him and the other residents for company 24/7 - he was never alone.

NP here. If you think people want to be in nursing homes in the first place, rather than with family, then no one can explain it to you. Living with family vs being visited by family once in a day or twice a week are two very different things. The psychological pain of being away from your family and home in your last days is horrible.

I guess you did what you were capable of doing. My mom would have never wanted my dad to to alone in a nursing home and she and we made it happen that dad and mom were with us, when my dad passed away. It is interesting that a father can raise four children without any problems, but these same children can't take care of him in the old age.

People don't *want* to develop early onset Alzheimer's but bad things happen. FWIW, people with dementia often say "I want to go home". They can be sitting on a living room couch in a house that they've lived in for 40 or 50 years and still say "I want to go home". At a certain point, they stop recognizing people or they might call their adult daughter by their beloved aunt's name. Maybe Aunt Jane passed away before the daughter was even born.

People in advanced stage dementia can not be left unsupervised, ever. They can't be around things like stoves or knives. They wander the house at night and sometimes they get out and wander the street - no coat, barefoot in the snow. They can be combative and resistant which poses a very real danger to their caregiver.

I didn't *want* my dad to go into a locked Alzheimer's unit but I was close enough to the situation to see that there was really no other choice. There was a former judge, a noted scientist, a school teacher, an engineer, a homemaker in that unit. One of them tried to eat the fake fruit off of a holiday wreath that a family member had put on their room door. It's a terrible disease and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Poor thing. Were they being fed properly in the care facility? I would have got fresh fruits for them.

[Anonymous]

Not all elderly people are suffering from Alzheimers. Not all of them need to be in a care-facility over being home with their grown kids.

[Anonymous]

^Just this year there have been quite a few instances where an Alzheimer's victim still living at home has somehow managed to get the car keys and drive off somewhere.

A home environment is not always the best place for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
That poster likely used her FIL's money to build a wing onto her house and then used her FIL's money to hire round the clock staff to take care of him. I'm not sure how that's so different than if she had placed her FIL in a care facility. Either way, he is getting his basic needs taken care of by staff.

Wow, a lot of assumption and projecting. Is it what YOU would have done, PP? That person said that THEY SPENT more on FIL's care than on their kids.

You and the person who assumed that this poster is "happy" to take FIL's SSI and whatnot are seriously human PO$.

And by the way, i am NP, haven't posted on this thread before.

Reread what she said. She built an addition onto her house that her FIL lives in and staffed it with round the clock caregivers. Either she is filthy rich and using her own money or she is using her FIL's money. Either way, staff is caring for him. Op is visiting him much as one would do in a care facility. She is not doing hands on heavy duty eldercare, she has a staff for that. That is why this arrangement is such a joy for her. If she were, herself, trying to wrestle a combative dementia patient into an adult diaper and responsible for making sure that he stayed clean and got to his appointments...I don't know that the situation would be such a win-win for her.

But she made breakfast for him and dinner the night before. She talks about it in subsequent posts. Exactly how little do you think she's seeing him if she's making his dinner and watching him eat it, and making breakfast and watching him eat it. You're upset because no one agrees with you so you now you are making crazy statements that make it sound like you're jealous. If he would have caregivers at a facility and he has caregivers at her house, what does it matter to you? She still sees him a lot more at her house than if he were at a facility. Give it up. You've already lost the battle and now you sound like a baby having a temper tantrum stomping your feet.

NP btw.

I'm not upset at all. She makes him meals on occasion and sits and watches him eat them. When my dad was in a nursing home my family brought him food and sat with him while he ate it, too. In fact, my mom visited my dad almost every day and I visited him a couple of times a week when I got off of work. When we weren't there he had a staff to look out for him and the other residents for company 24/7 - he was never alone.

NP here. If you think people want to be in nursing homes in the first place, rather than with family, then no one can explain it to you. Living with family vs being visited by family once in a day or twice a week are two very different things. The psychological pain of being away from your family and home in your last days is horrible.

I guess you did what you were capable of doing. My mom would have never wanted my dad to to alone in a nursing home and she and we made it happen that dad and mom were with us, when my dad passed away. It is interesting that a father can raise four children without any problems, but these same children can't take care of him in the old age.

People don't *want* to develop early onset Alzheimer's but bad things happen. FWIW, people with dementia often say "I want to go home". They can be sitting on a living room couch in a house that they've lived in for 40 or 50 years and still say "I want to go home". At a certain point, they stop recognizing people or they might call their adult daughter by their beloved aunt's name. Maybe Aunt Jane passed away before the daughter was even born.

People in advanced stage dementia can not be left unsupervised, ever. They can't be around things like stoves or knives. They wander the house at night and sometimes they get out and wander the street - no coat, barefoot in the snow. They can be combative and resistant which poses a very real danger to their caregiver.

I didn't *want* my dad to go into a locked Alzheimer's unit but I was close enough to the situation to see that there was really no other choice. There was a former judge, a noted scientist, a school teacher, an engineer, a homemaker in that unit. One of them tried to eat the fake fruit off of a holiday wreath that a family member had put on their room door. It's a terrible disease and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Poor thing. Were they being fed properly in the care facility? I would have got fresh fruits for them.

Yes they were being fed properly. The guy tried to eat the fake fruit because his brain was diseased and not working right. It's the same reason why they pee in a chair thinking it's a toilet.

[Anonymous]

And, yes, they had toilets at the care facility!