Considering getting my parents an apartment in the same building as me...am I crazy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is unhealthy.

If they moved to an over 55 community all their amenities will be right there which will encourage independence ... which is healthy.

If you are close you will do everything for them which will make their health decline faster.

Why do you assume she would do everything for them?

Because they'd be constantly calling and knocking on the door and guilt-tripping her.

She's basically signing up to be an unpaid maid / go-fer / lackey.

I don't see where she says that in her post. She says her dad might knock on her door a lot, but I saw that as about seeking her company, not about guilt-tripping or turning her into a maid/lackey, whatever. She knows her parents and her relationship with them.

If he was in an over 55 community he would find a plethora of people with tons of time on their hands and the same interests. He would not need "her company". ... besides, her company is limited at least to when she is not working, working out, doing hobbies, having a life.

So if he depends on her for "company" it will be limited. At an over 55 community his company (which helps with memory, happiness, etc) will be plenty.

My ILs live in a 55 and older; they're in their late 70s, as are many of the people in the neighborhood. Not a lot of late 80s, early 90s folks at the wine tastings, pickle ball tournaments, progressive dinners, etc. OP doesn't say she will be the only social outlet, just one of them. And if she's going to be checking on them anyway, why not make it convenient to her?

Weird, my mom is 90 and dating.

Woops MIL.

But it's not weird. STD/STIs are up for the older population. We were talking about day to day activities and social involvement.

She is 90 so dating is well ... going on dates, hanging out, watching tv together, doing holidays together.

Now I call her for our weekly lunch and she is too busy for me because she is going somewhere with Larlo.

Sad, you only thing dating is sex. GEEZ!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is unhealthy.

If they moved to an over 55 community all their amenities will be right there which will encourage independence ... which is healthy.

If you are close you will do everything for them which will make their health decline faster.

You are looking at assisted living through rose colored glasses.

I think you are uneducated about what is an over 55 community vs what is assisted living. Tje

Assisted living is totally different. Many over 55 communities will have an assisted living facility on campus. That is also nice so when one parent is sick and need "rehab" for a broken leg, or hip, or knee.... the other parent and friends just need to hop on the shuttle to visit.

[Anonymous]

We have so many people in the building who have done that. Some have even combined the apartments. The parents don't go to their kid's house half as often as the kid goes to their parents' condo. 3 people each own 2 condos in my floor alone. 2 were combined and 1 has a unit in between, so they walk back and forth.

[Anonymous]

I agree that it totally depends on your relationship with your parents. I would do this no problem with my own parents if it were just me. DH in the mix is a different story. He needs the space.

[Anonymous]

It depends on how active they are outside their home in their community. If they have an active life with friends and a routine, they may not want ot move.

Also, it is likely that within 5 years one or both of them will need a lot more care and help. This would be a fairly temporary step.

[Anonymous]

We lived in a condo in Clarendon high-rise recently for about a year. I was surprised to see so many senior citizens there. It was a mix of seniors and millennials and obviously we were the odd ones out with the kids. It actually worked very well. The seniors had a little extra support and everything was walkable for them. They weren't alone in a big house or reliant on a car. I think there is a senior citizen high-rise in Ballston. Those bigger over 55 golf-cart communities wouldn't be my cup of tea but to each their own.

I'd say do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is unhealthy.

If they moved to an over 55 community all their amenities will be right there which will encourage independence ... which is healthy.

If you are close you will do everything for them which will make their health decline faster.

I know plenty of people who NEVER want to live in an over 55. My mom included

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is unhealthy.

If they moved to an over 55 community all their amenities will be right there which will encourage independence ... which is healthy.

If you are close you will do everything for them which will make their health decline faster.

You are looking at assisted living through rose colored glasses.

PP is shilling for her own business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is unhealthy.

If they moved to an over 55 community all their amenities will be right there which will encourage independence ... which is healthy.

If you are close you will do everything for them which will make their health decline faster.

I know plenty of people who NEVER want to live in an over 55. My mom included

but why wouldn’t she want to live among old people?

[Anonymous]

If she were willing I would given their ages. That way you can look in on them easily. Its hard to do it frequently with distance, even just a few miles that can take 20-30 minutes each way. Can you just move closer to them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is unhealthy.

If they moved to an over 55 community all their amenities will be right there which will encourage independence ... which is healthy.

If you are close you will do everything for them which will make their health decline faster.

You are looking at assisted living through rose colored glasses.

I think you are uneducated about what is an over 55 community vs what is assisted living. Tje

Assisted living is totally different. Many over 55 communities will have an assisted living facility on campus. That is also nice so when one parent is sick and need "rehab" for a broken leg, or hip, or knee.... the other parent and friends just need to hop on the shuttle to visit.

These folks are older so the over 55 doesn't make a lot of sense. Assisted living is different than rehab. My dad is in assisted living. They don't have rehab at their facility so he had to go to a different rehab.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is unhealthy.

If they moved to an over 55 community all their amenities will be right there which will encourage independence ... which is healthy.

If you are close you will do everything for them which will make their health decline faster.

I know plenty of people who NEVER want to live in an over 55. My mom included

That doesn’t mean it’s a good or healthy decision

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is unhealthy.

If they moved to an over 55 community all their amenities will be right there which will encourage independence ... which is healthy.

If you are close you will do everything for them which will make their health decline faster.

Why do you assume she would do everything for them?

Because they'd be constantly calling and knocking on the door and guilt-tripping her.

She's basically signing up to be an unpaid maid / go-fer / lackey.

I don't see where she says that in her post. She says her dad might knock on her door a lot, but I saw that as about seeking her company, not about guilt-tripping or turning her into a maid/lackey, whatever. She knows her parents and her relationship with them.

If he was in an over 55 community he would find a plethora of people with tons of time on their hands and the same interests. He would not need "her company". ... besides, her company is limited at least to when she is not working, working out, doing hobbies, having a life.

So if he depends on her for "company" it will be limited. At an over 55 community his company (which helps with memory, happiness, etc) will be plenty.

My ILs live in a 55 and older; they're in their late 70s, as are many of the people in the neighborhood. Not a lot of late 80s, early 90s folks at the wine tastings, pickle ball tournaments, progressive dinners, etc. OP doesn't say she will be the only social outlet, just one of them. And if she's going to be checking on them anyway, why not make it convenient to her?

The average age to move into Independent Living is around 82. These communities offer 3 meals a day, weekly maid service, laundry assistance, entertainment, activities, outings, bus transportation to various stores/doctors offices/restaurants etc. It's for people who are still pretty active but don't want to deal with home maintenance, house cleaning, cooking and enjoy having social activities and bus transport.

Assisted Living is for people who would like the above but also need help with bathing/dressing/medication management, etc.

[Anonymous]

I loved near my parents and it was good until brain issues set in. The became obsessively demanding, prone to fits and had no boundaries. What started as a healthy relationship with boundaries turned into me being a terrible and ungrateful adult child and their understanding that I had a family of my own seemed to fade away. The calls and needs drove me insane. They did not do the same to siblings who lived farther away. I would say-don't do it. They would call me hysterical with things they can cope with themselves. They stopped reaching out to spend time with friends and wanted me and my family to be their social life. Not healthy.

[Anonymous]

In my parents' condo complex I can think of at least 3 family groups where the parent/s and at least one child live in the same building or adjacent building. These are people I only know from happenstance, like we meet in the elevator, so I can imagine that the actual percentage is pretty high. There also are a lot of siblings who live in adjacent condos. To my knowledge there also area lot of arrangements where a parent and child are sharing a condo.

I think this works for people who have good relationships. They may not be perfect relationships but the people tolerate each others' idiosyncrasies and give each other the latitude to be a little weird (because, frankly, we're all a little weird). The poster who keeps saying it is "unhealthy" obviously has some mental health issues herself so it would not be a good arrangement for her.

I would do it, OP. My FIL lives with us and it has been a wonderful experience.