Parents visiting -- Am I right to be upset about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. A few things that I wanted to point out:


- This thread has made me realize my jealously is a bigger issue than I thought. I've been in therapy on and off over the years, but it may be a good idea to start again.

- Growing up, I always felt like my Mom was loving and caring. It's only been the case in recent years that I've felt not prioritized. For what it's worth, I've talked to my sisters in the past about this, and they feel similarly, but for different reasons.

- To be honest, I'm proud of the work that my Mom does, and I know it's important, but I do sometimes feel (as other posters have mentioned) that she prioritizes her work over her family. What's gnawing at me in this situation is that I hadn't ever heard her mention this student until yesterday, and she only started with the "oh, I must see her play, it's so important," talk once I brought up that having dinner at 8:30 wouldn't work for us. It just sounds like she's more interested in making sure this student is happy as opposed to her own daughter.

- Another issue is that when DH and I go up to visit my parents, we'll do things on our own (ex. see High School friends of mine), but we always make an effort to work around my parent's schedule and spend time with them, and its frustrating that they can't do the same.

- It may be irrelevant, but this isn't a one time performance, this student has been in residence at this program for several months.

Okay, I have very little sympathy for you. You are an adult. You are married, you live in your own home, and you live six hours away. It is totally reasonable that your mother does not prioritize you in the same way that she did when you were a child. I think you need to mature and figure out how to relate to your mom as an adult. She has her own life and obligations now, which is normal and healthy.

Also, she is literally doing exactly what you do when you visit her. There is no reason that you HAVE to cook dinner on Friday night as opposed to Saturday night, which, honestly, sounds like it would be better for everyone (you guys could attend SIL's birthday, after all). It's a six-hour drive, so it makes sense that, while your mom might not make a special trip just to see this student, she would take advantage of being in town to see her and support her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have a late lunch and dinner at 8:30. Or can you see the performance too? That would be fun. Or switch the dinner to sat and go to your SIL bday thing on Fri. This doesn’t have to be a big deal or be a test of your mother’s love. Are you in therapy? I mean this kindly, but I hope so.

This. Op you seem to be setting arbitrary tests of your mother’s love - “if she doesn’t comply in this exact way she doesn’t love me at all”

You need to reset your unreasonable expectations and figure out why you do this, so you can change your perspective. Only then will you be happier.

Understandable, but to play devils advocate, which party being upset will impact OP's Mom more in the long term; the student, or her daughter?

Honestly, it sounds like OP is oversensitive and immature, and I doubt that this will be the only time that OP is upset that Mom has the temerity not to center her life around her adult, married children. Maybe she can avoid it this time, but you know something else is going to happen that will cause the same problems. I mean, OP thinks it's fine to go visit her friends when she visits her mom. She doesn't think that she has any obligation to spend 100 percent of the visit with her mom. Mom isn't doing anything unreasonable here. Given that OP said that her mom was loving and involved when she was growing up, I think this is a case of an adult child struggling with realizing that your parents have their own lives and that when you grow up and move out, you aren't the center of their lives like you used to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. A few things that I wanted to point out:


- This thread has made me realize my jealously is a bigger issue than I thought. I've been in therapy on and off over the years, but it may be a good idea to start again.

- Growing up, I always felt like my Mom was loving and caring. It's only been the case in recent years that I've felt not prioritized. For what it's worth, I've talked to my sisters in the past about this, and they feel similarly, but for different reasons.

- To be honest, I'm proud of the work that my Mom does, and I know it's important, but I do sometimes feel (as other posters have mentioned) that she prioritizes her work over her family. What's gnawing at me in this situation is that I hadn't ever heard her mention this student until yesterday, and she only started with the "oh, I must see her play, it's so important," talk once I brought up that having dinner at 8:30 wouldn't work for us. It just sounds like she's more interested in making sure this student is happy as opposed to her own daughter.

- Another issue is that when DH and I go up to visit my parents, we'll do things on our own (ex. see High School friends of mine), but we always make an effort to work around my parent's schedule and spend time with them, and its frustrating that they can't do the same.

- It may be irrelevant, but this isn't a one time performance, this student has been in residence at this program for several months.

OP, Reread your won post in a detached way, and really 5ink about what you’re saying.

Your mother, who appears to still work a full time, emotionally charged job, is travelling 6 hours ONE WAY to see your house. She repeatedly tells you that you are important to her, and I’d say driving 6 hours, even if too late on your personal timeline, is something you should at least appreciate.

Whether you like it or not, your mother has already devoted a great chunk of her life to raising you, by your own account lovingly, and sorry, you are no longer a “priority” in the same way you were when you were 2,6, 4, or 14. You are a grown adult who has made the choice to move 6 hours away. She is an adult with her own home, career, friends, and local family. My child is indelibly part of me, but we have been independent people since a few minutes after birth.

A performance is a little different than meeting up with friends for a drink. It’s not a personal performance; this student has a set time she is performing for many people. So no, your mother, who it sounds can rarely visit the area, cannot just “work around” your schedule in order to ensure you have her attention at 6 pm. She is allowed to have other things other than you, like you do.

You played some kind of passive aggressive card for attention by telling her you couldn't do dinner later, and lost. Sounds like your mother has some healthy boundaries with you by not biting. There is NO good reason you couldn’t go to the performance, or to not have a late lunch and meet for a late dinner. You’re acting like a sulky child.

Love is not a competition, your mother is not here on earth solely to make you happy, and she is not a possession. She is coming to see your house because it will apparently be the only thing that makes you happy. She is going to the performance because it will make HER (as in your mother) happy. Why don’t you want her to be happy?

[Anonymous]

Maybe this can help put some perspective on this situation.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mp6GIrVGvQY

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. A few things that I wanted to point out:


- This thread has made me realize my jealously is a bigger issue than I thought. I've been in therapy on and off over the years, but it may be a good idea to start again.

- Growing up, I always felt like my Mom was loving and caring. It's only been the case in recent years that I've felt not prioritized. For what it's worth, I've talked to my sisters in the past about this, and they feel similarly, but for different reasons.

- To be honest, I'm proud of the work that my Mom does, and I know it's important, but I do sometimes feel (as other posters have mentioned) that she prioritizes her work over her family. What's gnawing at me in this situation is that I hadn't ever heard her mention this student until yesterday, and she only started with the "oh, I must see her play, it's so important," talk once I brought up that having dinner at 8:30 wouldn't work for us. It just sounds like she's more interested in making sure this student is happy as opposed to her own daughter.

- Another issue is that when DH and I go up to visit my parents, we'll do things on our own (ex. see High School friends of mine), but we always make an effort to work around my parent's schedule and spend time with them, and its frustrating that they can't do the same.

- It may be irrelevant, but this isn't a one time performance, this student has been in residence at this program for several months.

OP, Reread your won post in a detached way, and really 5ink about what you’re saying.

Your mother, who appears to still work a full time, emotionally charged job, is travelling 6 hours ONE WAY to see your house. She repeatedly tells you that you are important to her, and I’d say driving 6 hours, even if too late on your personal timeline, is something you should at least appreciate.

Whether you like it or not, your mother has already devoted a great chunk of her life to raising you, by your own account lovingly, and sorry, you are no longer a “priority” in the same way you were when you were 2,6, 4, or 14. You are a grown adult who has made the choice to move 6 hours away. She is an adult with her own home, career, friends, and local family. My child is indelibly part of me, but we have been independent people since a few minutes after birth.

A performance is a little different than meeting up with friends for a drink. It’s not a personal performance; this student has a set time she is performing for many people. So no, your mother, who it sounds can rarely visit the area, cannot just “work around” your schedule in order to ensure you have her attention at 6 pm. She is allowed to have other things other than you, like you do.

You played some kind of passive aggressive card for attention by telling her you couldn't do dinner later, and lost. Sounds like your mother has some healthy boundaries with you by not biting. There is NO good reason you couldn’t go to the performance, or to not have a late lunch and meet for a late dinner. You’re acting like a sulky child.

Love is not a competition, your mother is not here on earth solely to make you happy, and she is not a possession. She is coming to see your house because it will apparently be the only thing that makes you happy. She is going to the performance because it will make HER (as in your mother) happy. Why don’t you want her to be happy?

What complete bullshit. She’s visiting. Seeing her daughter, especially since her daughter has expressed that she’d like to be more of a priority is hardly giving up her whole life again. This is her daughter. I work in education, live all of my students... but my own children will always be my highest priority regardless of their age. As will my future grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

One could argue that if you wanted to be more of a priority in your mom’s life, you wouldn’t have moved 6 hours away. This works both ways, you know. Choices.

[Anonymous]

What complete bullshit. She’s visiting. Seeing her daughter, especially since her daughter has expressed that she’d like to be more of a priority is hardly giving up her whole life again. This is her daughter. I work in education, live all of my students... but my own children will always be my highest priority regardless of their age. As will my future grandchildren.

And that is precisely what is wrong with so many parents and ILS, you are needy and have no life of your own. When women start living their own lives, we can maybe see some progress in our rights! Plus, how old are your kids now? I assure you, most grandparents reach a stage when they are only important to themselves. Some reach it sooner, some later, but many become self centered with a bit of dementia setting in, and only think of their next meal and their nap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the posters who are agreeing with OP are for real, they are actually really mean. Luckily, they are probably just OP. Get some therapy and accept your parents for who they are. You are making yourself miserable for no reason.

Definitely not OP, and, no, not mean. Did you grow up having to compete with the neediest cases for attention? Is it okay for a kid to not get that sort of unconditional love and occasional undivided attention that kids are theoretically supposed to get just because their parent does great stuff for other people?

Coming in on this late, but it sounds like OP finds her mother ,loving and supportive. In her current communications, OP states her mother loves her, is supportive, etc. Just mom is not treating OP like the sun, moon, and centre of the universe in the capacity she is used to. Of course, she moved and lives 6 hours way, but to her, that’s moot.

[Anonymous]

OP, credit to you for recognizing that something made you upset and considering whether it is merited or not.

You have a need that, rightly or wrongly, your mother is not meeting.

Do discuss it with your therapist. Clearly, dcum has a broad range of views, and the ‘right’ answer depends on a complex history that no one here can know enough about to fairly judge.

I hope your weekend goes well and that you feel less slighted!

[Anonymous]

Why does she have to spend every single solitary minute of this trip with you, OP?

Did you set that 24/7 expectation with her when you made plans?

Did she know that's what was expected of her?
If you didn't communicate this expectation to her, then she didn't explicitly know and you can't blame her.

You sound exhausting.

[Anonymous]

OP. It sounds like you have different expectations about your relationship than your mother does. Yes she is a mother but it's time to move that relationship toward an adult peer relationship rather than a mom relationship.

Things actually work out great. You can have dinner for your SIL's birthday with your Dh's family. Then spend time with your parents over the rest of the weekend. Stop chasing your mother.

You visit your parents and try to fit around their schedule when visiting your friends, so YOU have an expectation that your parents should do the same. Well they can't move the program can they. Stop expecting your parents to act like you, they are different people. It's time to accept them flaws and all. They don't think the same as you, stop expecting them to do, be and say everything that you would.

Let your parents visit when they want. Get on with your own life, if your parents miss out then that will be on them. Learn to accept this isn't about you, it's them and just how they are. It may be hurtful but it will help you a lot to just let go and accept the relationship for what it is.

There are a lot of us who wanted different relationships and at some point you just have to accept what you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. It sounds like you have different expectations about your relationship than your mother does. Yes she is a mother but it's time to move that relationship toward an adult peer relationship rather than a mom relationship.

Things actually work out great. You can have dinner for your SIL's birthday with your Dh's family. Then spend time with your parents over the rest of the weekend. Stop chasing your mother.

You visit your parents and try to fit around their schedule when visiting your friends, so YOU have an expectation that your parents should do the same. Well they can't move the program can they. Stop expecting your parents to act like you, they are different people. It's time to accept them flaws and all. They don't think the same as you, stop expecting them to do, be and say everything that you would.

Let your parents visit when they want. Get on with your own life, if your parents miss out then that will be on them. Learn to accept this isn't about you, it's them and just how they are. It may be hurtful but it will help you a lot to just let go and accept the relationship for what it is.

There are a lot of us who wanted different relationships and at some point you just have to accept what you have.

Sometimes that you have to except that you’re asking too much of a person Opie has repeatedly said that her mother is loving and supportive what the Frick else does she want? I’m sort of terrified to think of what expectations she has of her spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. A few things that I wanted to point out:


- This thread has made me realize my jealously is a bigger issue than I thought. I've been in therapy on and off over the years, but it may be a good idea to start again.

- Growing up, I always felt like my Mom was loving and caring. It's only been the case in recent years that I've felt not prioritized. For what it's worth, I've talked to my sisters in the past about this, and they feel similarly, but for different reasons.

- To be honest, I'm proud of the work that my Mom does, and I know it's important, but I do sometimes feel (as other posters have mentioned) that she prioritizes her work over her family. What's gnawing at me in this situation is that I hadn't ever heard her mention this student until yesterday, and she only started with the "oh, I must see her play, it's so important," talk once I brought up that having dinner at 8:30 wouldn't work for us. It just sounds like she's more interested in making sure this student is happy as opposed to her own daughter.

- Another issue is that when DH and I go up to visit my parents, we'll do things on our own (ex. see High School friends of mine), but we always make an effort to work around my parent's schedule and spend time with them, and its frustrating that they can't do the same.

- It may be irrelevant, but this isn't a one time performance, this student has been in residence at this program for several months.

OP, Reread your won post in a detached way, and really 5ink about what you’re saying.

Your mother, who appears to still work a full time, emotionally charged job, is travelling 6 hours ONE WAY to see your house. She repeatedly tells you that you are important to her, and I’d say driving 6 hours, even if too late on your personal timeline, is something you should at least appreciate.

Whether you like it or not, your mother has already devoted a great chunk of her life to raising you, by your own account lovingly, and sorry, you are no longer a “priority” in the same way you were when you were 2,6, 4, or 14. You are a grown adult who has made the choice to move 6 hours away. She is an adult with her own home, career, friends, and local family. My child is indelibly part of me, but we have been independent people since a few minutes after birth.

A performance is a little different than meeting up with friends for a drink. It’s not a personal performance; this student has a set time she is performing for many people. So no, your mother, who it sounds can rarely visit the area, cannot just “work around” your schedule in order to ensure you have her attention at 6 pm. She is allowed to have other things other than you, like you do.

You played some kind of passive aggressive card for attention by telling her you couldn't do dinner later, and lost. Sounds like your mother has some healthy boundaries with you by not biting. There is NO good reason you couldn’t go to the performance, or to not have a late lunch and meet for a late dinner. You’re acting like a sulky child.

Love is not a competition, your mother is not here on earth solely to make you happy, and she is not a possession. She is coming to see your house because it will apparently be the only thing that makes you happy. She is going to the performance because it will make HER (as in your mother) happy. Why don’t you want her to be happy?

What complete bullshit. She’s visiting. Seeing her daughter, especially since her daughter has expressed that she’d like to be more of a priority is hardly giving up her whole life again. This is her daughter. I work in education, live all of my students... but my own children will always be my highest priority regardless of their age. As will my future grandchildren.

You sound crazy as hell. My parents live half as far as OP’s and I see them a few times a year . My My folks are loving and supportive and we speak on the phone they FaceTime with my kids and I would like to see them more often but do you know what I am so excited and elated that in this season of their lives they have things that they find enjoyable and peaceful and excited to focus on. I want them to enjoy putting themselves first, they did a great job of raising their family; let them have this time , that doesn’t mean they can’t also love you and support you as well. I’m sorry but the OP needs to grow up.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry there’s just too many grown ass babies who think their feelings rule the world .

[Anonymous]

I think OPs mother tells her that she is loving and supportive but is actually selfish and manipulative. That is why this supposedly minor incident is upsetting her. Her mother seems like a master manipulator that has OP going in circles. As a college teacher I have seen parents like this. Very hard on the kids. The charity workers are the worst. John Grisham has a book with a character such as this. Wish I could remember the name of the book.