Parents visiting -- Am I right to be upset about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the past year or so, things have been rocky with my mom and I. A lot of the issues stem around the fact that I don't feel that she makes me much of a priority. Whenever my mom and I get into these fights, she always talks about how important to her I am, and how much she loves and values me. We've had a few "come to Jesus" talks, and she's admitted her wrong doings, and I've admitted that I've acted immaturely at times. Things have gotten better over the past few months, but there's still some hurt lingering.

Feelings aren't facts, and you are too fragile for words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have a late lunch and dinner at 8:30. Or can you see the performance too? That would be fun. Or switch the dinner to sat and go to your SIL bday thing on Fri. This doesn’t have to be a big deal or be a test of your mother’s love. Are you in therapy? I mean this kindly, but I hope so.

This. Op you seem to be setting arbitrary tests of your mother’s love - “if she doesn’t comply in this exact way she doesn’t love me at all”

You need to reset your unreasonable expectations and figure out why you do this, so you can change your perspective. Only then will you be happier.

[Anonymous]

No offense, but I can see why your mom doesn't really seem psyched to come and visit you (which creates a catch-22 for you).

[Anonymous]

As the dating goes, would you rather be happy, or would you rather be right?

OP *may* be right (none of us can know for sure), but OP is definitely not happy. The quickest, most reliable way for OP to become more happy is to reset her expectations.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you don't want to go see the performance. Get an early dinner as a group, or a late one. Anything else is unbelievably narcissistic and selfish.

Don't make her choose, it's an impossible situation for her, and wholly of your own construction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]I don't understand why you don't want to go see the performance.[/b] Get an early dinner as a group, or a late one. Anything else is unbelievably narcissistic and selfish.

Don't make her choose, it's an impossible situation for her, and wholly of your own construction.

Exactly. Go with your mother, support HER life, and she will do the same. You seem to think affection and love should only flow one way, YOUR WAY. You have to give it if you want to get it.

[Anonymous]

Eh, its frustrating that she didn't mention it in advance, but instead of harping on it, just go with it. You can't make your mom be someone she isn't, so just enjoy the time you have to spend with her on the visit.

[Anonymous]

5 pages and no peep from OP? Team mom.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. A few things that I wanted to point out:


- This thread has made me realize my jealously is a bigger issue than I thought. I've been in therapy on and off over the years, but it may be a good idea to start again.

- Growing up, I always felt like my Mom was loving and caring. It's only been the case in recent years that I've felt not prioritized. For what it's worth, I've talked to my sisters in the past about this, and they feel similarly, but for different reasons.

- To be honest, I'm proud of the work that my Mom does, and I know it's important, but I do sometimes feel (as other posters have mentioned) that she prioritizes her work over her family. What's gnawing at me in this situation is that I hadn't ever heard her mention this student until yesterday, and she only started with the "oh, I must see her play, it's so important," talk once I brought up that having dinner at 8:30 wouldn't work for us. It just sounds like she's more interested in making sure this student is happy as opposed to her own daughter.

- Another issue is that when DH and I go up to visit my parents, we'll do things on our own (ex. see High School friends of mine), but we always make an effort to work around my parent's schedule and spend time with them, and its frustrating that they can't do the same.

- It may be irrelevant, but this isn't a one time performance, this student has been in residence at this program for several months.

[Anonymous]

You are both adults with your own lives. You should be happy that your mother, as an older person, has an active and full social life. Isn't she spending Friday afternoon, all of Sat, and part of Sun with you?

You can get an early dinner with her on Friday if you don't want to eat later. Or you can meet her for coffee/dessert after the performance. Or you can go to your SIL's dinner on Friday and just have dinner with your mom on Sat. So many options....

You have the right to feel how you feel. But as a pp said, feelings aren't facts. Your expectations of your mom aren't reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. A few things that I wanted to point out:


- This thread has made me realize my jealously is a bigger issue than I thought. I've been in therapy on and off over the years, but it may be a good idea to start again.

- Growing up, I always felt like my Mom was loving and caring. It's only been the case in recent years that I've felt not prioritized. For what it's worth, I've talked to my sisters in the past about this, and they feel similarly, but for different reasons.

- To be honest, I'm proud of the work that my Mom does, and I know it's important, but I do sometimes feel (as other posters have mentioned) that she prioritizes her work over her family. What's gnawing at me in this situation is that I hadn't ever heard her mention this student until yesterday, and she only started with the "oh, I must see her play, it's so important," talk once I brought up that having dinner at 8:30 wouldn't work for us. It just sounds like she's more interested in making sure this student is happy as opposed to her own daughter.

- Another issue is that when DH and I go up to visit my parents, we'll do things on our own (ex. see High School friends of mine), but we always make an effort to work around my parent's schedule and spend time with them, and its frustrating that they can't do the same.

- It may be irrelevant, but this isn't a one time performance, this student has been in residence at this program for several months.

OP, I am really trying to sympathize with you, but I just can’t. You can’t point to any actual wrongdoing on her part. She raised you and you’re out of the house, a married adult on your own. I’m struggling with how exactly you think you should feel prioritized, or what she should be doing differently. Rightly so, she has her own life.

As others said, you should make the performance a family event - how fun! Or just go celebrate your SIL’s birthday and see them the rest of the weekend. None of this is really a huge deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I just read over your post again. Yes you are right to be upset. Your parents are here for the weekend— that’s Friday Saturday and part of Sunday, and when your mom gets here she drops the news that “her at risk student is playing at a venue and it’s a must see on Friday night”.
Then she acts all innocent and suggests that dinner at 9:30 will be an option. Doesn’t ask if OP wants to eat a very late dinner, which of course she doesn’t.
I do think this is a dynamic that has played out with OP many times in which these at risk children she works with are the center of her moms life and OP has been asked many times to praise her mom for this. As for going to the performance— it just seems very manipulative to me. It also makes me question the timing of this long awaited visit.
If you have ever had to deal with people who always flaunt their charity work this way you know how uncomfortable being manipulated this way is.

+1

OP, my mom is like this. I understand exactly what you’re saying. Make family elsewhere and have very low expectations of her.

[Anonymous]

I still think it’s awkward and the timing suspect. Yes mom has her own life which she lives apart from OP 95% of the time. It’s not like OP is NEVER letting mom live her life! She lives 6 hours away.
I can see why this would be painful and the perfect excuse on Moms part to once again point out how important she and her job are.

[Anonymous]

OP the last thing in the world I would feel like doing is attending that performance both by Mom and by the at risk musician.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have a late lunch and dinner at 8:30. Or can you see the performance too? That would be fun. Or switch the dinner to sat and go to your SIL bday thing on Fri. This doesn’t have to be a big deal or be a test of your mother’s love. Are you in therapy? I mean this kindly, but I hope so.

This. Op you seem to be setting arbitrary tests of your mother’s love - “if she doesn’t comply in this exact way she doesn’t love me at all”

You need to reset your unreasonable expectations and figure out why you do this, so you can change your perspective. Only then will you be happier.

Understandable, but to play devils advocate, which party being upset will impact OP's Mom more in the long term; the student, or her daughter?