Parents visiting -- Am I right to be upset about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you go to the performance with your mom ? Watch with her ?

I don’t understand why this isn’t an option. Is it only quality time together if it’s centered around OP’s life and interests rather than her mom’s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have coffee and dessert together after the show.

And get yourself to therapy.

This

[Anonymous]

OP, you lost me at your second sentence. Your mom doesn't make you a priority? Why on earth would she have to prioritize you over things going on in her own life?

[Anonymous]

OP I just read over your post again. Yes you are right to be upset. Your parents are here for the weekend— that’s Friday Saturday and part of Sunday, and when your mom gets here she drops the news that “her at risk student is playing at a venue and it’s a must see on Friday night”.
Then she acts all innocent and suggests that dinner at 9:30 will be an option. Doesn’t ask if OP wants to eat a very late dinner, which of course she doesn’t.
I do think this is a dynamic that has played out with OP many times in which these at risk children she works with are the center of her moms life and OP has been asked many times to praise her mom for this. As for going to the performance— it just seems very manipulative to me. It also makes me question the timing of this long awaited visit.
If you have ever had to deal with people who always flaunt their charity work this way you know how uncomfortable being manipulated this way is.

[Anonymous]

OMG your mom is a piece of work! .... but I promised her I would ...”

[Anonymous]

I do think this is a dynamic that has played out with OP many times

Op, you need to love Mom less. You need to stop *wishing*, yearning, for a particular relationship, for a particular mother. Stop the heart-to-heart talks. Be nice, be respectful ----but it's time to build your own family. And you will need to be an emotionally healthy mother to them. And you won't be able to be this if you don't let go of drama with your own Mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I just read over your post again. Yes you are right to be upset. Your parents are here for the weekend— that’s Friday Saturday and part of Sunday, and when your mom gets here she drops the news that “her at risk student is playing at a venue and it’s a must see on Friday night”.
Then she acts all innocent and suggests that dinner at 9:30 will be an option. Doesn’t ask if OP wants to eat a very late dinner, which of course she doesn’t.
I do think this is a dynamic that has played out with OP many times in which these at risk children she works with are the center of her moms life and OP has been asked many times to praise her mom for this. As for going to the performance— it just seems very manipulative to me. It also makes me question the timing of this long awaited visit.
If you have ever had to deal with people who always flaunt their charity work this way you know how uncomfortable being manipulated this way is.

Oh good grief.

OP is an adult, not a child, yet she's acting like a child.
It sounds like you AND the OP need to get a grip and stop with your self-centered victimization.
"Oh, poor me... sigh".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there some sibling that you think your mother loves/prefers over you? You sound excited that she is coming, you want to show her your house, you had heart to heart talks with her, all that paints her as a nice mom that you love. Not a monster that neglected you as a child. Her former student cares about her and she cares to go see her play, all musicians will recognize that passion and it can be something that people not into music can't understand. Mentors like that are usually awesome people.
Given all this, why are you unable to allow your mother to be not just your mom, but a person with other interests? If she was a monster, surely you would not be looking forward to her coming for a visit?

Actually, all of that paints her as a daughter who is still trying to win her mom’s approval and attention.

Not infrequently, those people who are awesome mentors to people with indisputable needs do neglect the more mundane, maddeningly fuzzy responsibilities of parenthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I just read over your post again. Yes you are right to be upset. Your parents are here for the weekend— that’s Friday Saturday and part of Sunday, and when your mom gets here she drops the news that “her at risk student is playing at a venue and it’s a must see on Friday night”.
Then she acts all innocent and suggests that dinner at 9:30 will be an option. Doesn’t ask if OP wants to eat a very late dinner, which of course she doesn’t.
I do think this is a dynamic that has played out with OP many times in which these at risk children she works with are the center of her moms life and OP has been asked many times to praise her mom for this. As for going to the performance— it just seems very manipulative to me. It also makes me question the timing of this long awaited visit.
If you have ever had to deal with people who always flaunt their charity work this way you know how uncomfortable being manipulated this way is.

What an absolute monster!
Charity work?? She should be tarred and feathered for having the unmitigated nerve to save at risk youth from a life of crime, drugs and poverty.

For shame, for shame.

[Anonymous]

Stop it! Go out for SIL birthday dinner, let your Mom go to performance of former student, and spend the rest of weekend visiting with Mom. Maybe, that is why she doesn’t visit you because you are demanding every minute like a toddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I just read over your post again. Yes you are right to be upset. Your parents are here for the weekend— that’s Friday Saturday and part of Sunday, and when your mom gets here she drops the news that “her at risk student is playing at a venue and it’s a must see on Friday night”.
Then she acts all innocent and suggests that dinner at 9:30 will be an option. Doesn’t ask if OP wants to eat a very late dinner, which of course she doesn’t.
I do think this is a dynamic that has played out with OP many times in which these at risk children she works with are the center of her moms life and OP has been asked many times to praise her mom for this. As for going to the performance— it just seems very manipulative to me. It also makes me question the timing of this long awaited visit.
If you have ever had to deal with people who always flaunt their charity work this way you know how uncomfortable being manipulated this way is.

What an absolute monster!
Charity work?? She should be tarred and feathered for having the unmitigated nerve to save at risk youth from a life of crime, drugs and poverty.

For shame, for shame.

Charity work is unassailable, right?

I had a parent like that. Have heard all my life how wonderful they were and how they helped so many people. But they were a poor, negligent parent. Sucked for me (and still does).

[Anonymous]

My heart goes out to you OP.

It sucks having family members - especially a mom -who is just not into to you. My guess is that she made time in her schedule to visit this weekend because of this performance. I bet she wanted to see her former student and it’s just an added bonus that she gets to see OP.

I have no advice because nothing you do will ever change this dynamic. Your mom is willing to offer you the relationship equivalent of table scraps. You need to decide that you can be happy with that or reframe your relationship in your head. If you can’t do either, then you should limit contact.

It is what is. Your mom doesn’t like you that much and ever will.

[Anonymous]

Jfc I have a 12 month old and dhs parents have only come once for 4 hours while I was writhing in pain after giving birth. And they whined about not being able to take ds to the nursery (there was no nursery). Parents are crazy. Just get over it.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you are too needy and expect too much.

[Anonymous]

If the posters who are agreeing with OP are for real, they are actually really mean. Luckily, they are probably just OP. Get some therapy and accept your parents for who they are. You are making yourself miserable for no reason.