Parents visiting -- Am I right to be upset about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the posters who are agreeing with OP are for real, they are actually really mean. Luckily, they are probably just OP. Get some therapy and accept your parents for who they are. You are making yourself miserable for no reason.

Definitely not OP, and, no, not mean. Did you grow up having to compete with the neediest cases for attention? Is it okay for a kid to not get that sort of unconditional love and occasional undivided attention that kids are theoretically supposed to get just because their parent does great stuff for other people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there some sibling that you think your mother loves/prefers over you? You sound excited that she is coming, you want to show her your house, you had heart to heart talks with her, all that paints her as a nice mom that you love. Not a monster that neglected you as a child. Her former student cares about her and she cares to go see her play, all musicians will recognize that passion and it can be something that people not into music can't understand. Mentors like that are usually awesome people.
Given all this, why are you unable to allow your mother to be not just your mom, but a person with other interests? If she was a monster, surely you would not be looking forward to her coming for a visit?

Actually, all of that paints her as a daughter who is still trying to win her mom’s approval and attention.

Not infrequently, those people who are awesome mentors to people with indisputable needs do neglect the more mundane, maddeningly fuzzy responsibilities of parenthood.

Why doesn't OP chime in on this? Where is she? Was her mom an absent parent or a loving parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My heart goes out to you OP.

It sucks having family members - especially a mom -who is just not into to you. My guess is that she made time in her schedule to visit this weekend because of this performance. I bet she wanted to see her former student and it’s just an added bonus that she gets to see OP.

I have no advice because nothing you do will ever change this dynamic. Your mom is willing to offer you the relationship equivalent of table scraps. You need to decide that you can be happy with that or reframe your relationship in your head. If you can’t do either, then you should limit contact.

It is what is. Your mom doesn’t like you that much and ever will.

This.

[Anonymous]

I’m another team parent. I’m from a big family—there’s a lot that stinks about being from a big family but the upside is at least I never had an expectation that my mom would be singly focused on me. It’s been a few years since she visited, but we love each other a lot—spent last week with her at a location near her home and just got off the phone with her. I don’t need her to validate my existence with her approval and she isn’t constantly in my business (like some of my friends’ moms). It’s nice!
Anyway, OP’s mom seems totally reasonable although it probably would have been better had she said st the beginning “oh, the weekend of July x would be perfect for me to come visit because then I can also see my former student Larla play at Strathmore. I’m so excited to hear her after all these years. Do you want to come with me?”

[Anonymous]

It’s unfortunate they didn’t mention this until now, but it is still several days before Friday, can you join SIL’s birthday dinner? Or go to the performance with your mom? 9pm dinner isn’t too late either, for an adult anyway. The performance is a once in a life time thing and you can spend the rest of the weekend with your mom. You seem very immature. I hope you are in therapy.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s crazy your mom hasn’t seen your house yet.
This situation was small, but I think there are justified built up emotions and your mom sounds selfish

[Anonymous]

I honestly can’t believe so many people are attacking the op. I’m extremely close with my mom and plan to always be there for my kids no matter what age. Kids being your priority doesn’t just stop when they turn 18. Op just wants this type of mother and unfortunately she doesn’t have it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly can’t believe so many people are attacking the op. I’m extremely close with my mom and plan to always be there for my kids no matter what age. Kids being your priority doesn’t just stop when they turn 18. Op just wants this type of mother and unfortunately she doesn’t have it

Um, you need to have a life of your own when your kids are grown or you will be an oppressive presence in their lives.

And seriously, you have to be a pretty boring person if there’s nothing you look forward to doing for yourself once you’re not responsible for your kids 24/7.

[Anonymous]

There's a communication problem here.

1. It's perfectly natural for your mother to see her former student perform. However she should have told you in advance.

2. You, too, could have verbalized that practically every meal and waking hour would be spent together - perhaps she didn't envision her stay that way.

3 In the future, double-check everything with her, because clearly you two aren't on the same page. And don't say it's her fault! You're just as much to blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I just read over your post again. Yes you are right to be upset. Your parents are here for the weekend— that’s Friday Saturday and part of Sunday, and when your mom gets here she drops the news that “her at risk student is playing at a venue and it’s a must see on Friday night”.
Then she acts all innocent and suggests that dinner at 9:30 will be an option. Doesn’t ask if OP wants to eat a very late dinner, which of course she doesn’t.
I do think this is a dynamic that has played out with OP many times in which these at risk children she works with are the center of her moms life and OP has been asked many times to praise her mom for this. As for going to the performance— it just seems very manipulative to me. It also makes me question the timing of this long awaited visit.
If you have ever had to deal with people who always flaunt their charity work this way you know how uncomfortable being manipulated this way is.

What an absolute monster!
Charity work?? She should be tarred and feathered for having the unmitigated nerve to save at risk youth from a life of crime, drugs and poverty.

For shame, for shame.

Charity work is unassailable, right?

I had a parent like that. Have heard all my life how wonderful they were and how they helped so many people. But they were a poor, negligent parent. Sucked for me (and still does).

Do you see the difference?

OP's post has the tone of a petulant, immature & whiny child, where yours has the tone of an adult who has accepted their parent for who they are. Even though they suck, *they are who they are* & no amount of complaining will change that.

It sounds like you've accepted that your parent is sucky and you've *adjusted your expectation* for them... OP has not.

What's the old saying, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them"?
OP really needs to believe her mother is who she really is.

If her mom was negligent or distant as a child, what makes her think this would change in adulthood?

OP REALLY needs to accept who they are, move on and vow to do better with her own children.

AJUST YOUR EXPECTATIONS OP, you'll be much, much happier once you've done that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I just read over your post again. Yes you are right to be upset. Your parents are here for the weekend— that’s Friday Saturday and part of Sunday, and when your mom gets here she drops the news that “her at risk student is playing at a venue and it’s a must see on Friday night”.
Then she acts all innocent and suggests that dinner at 9:30 will be an option. Doesn’t ask if OP wants to eat a very late dinner, which of course she doesn’t.
I do think this is a dynamic that has played out with OP many times in which these at risk children she works with are the center of her moms life and OP has been asked many times to praise her mom for this. As for going to the performance— it just seems very manipulative to me. It also makes me question the timing of this long awaited visit.
If you have ever had to deal with people who always flaunt their charity work this way you know how uncomfortable being manipulated this way is.

What an absolute monster!
Charity work?? She should be tarred and feathered for having the unmitigated nerve to save at risk youth from a life of crime, drugs and poverty.

For shame, for shame.

This is the trump card that is always played by awesome and selfish charity workers who need the constant praise of their “at risk” show ponies. It’s such an attention seeking maneuver dressed up. And of course there’s no answer to it.
OP you are annoyed for a reason. Try to understand it and move on from it. I notice you say you are close with your ILs.

[Anonymous]

OP doesn’t say she hates her mom only that her mom was a bit inconsiderate. And hurt her feelings.

[Anonymous]

Good grief OP, you really need to get a grip.

You are an adult now (and a homeowner so I hear) try acting like it.

[Anonymous]

Your mom is coming to town to see you, and her student happens to be performing there, too, but she can ONLY see you while in town because otherwise she doesn't love you enough? You sound like a lot of work. I hate people like you.

[Anonymous]

OP, unless you are 8, you sound exhausting.