For Better, or Worse: "Open" marriage with a medical ill spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
How about him falling in love with his AP and leaving you? Getting her pregnant? Or just getting so emotionally attached he can't support you emotionally?

I think people are being pretty naive here.

Boy the way you make such a really big deal over just some sex, you would almost think that maybe sex is pretty darned important to a marriage! But we know better, all the sexless marriage threads have made it pretty clear that sex is entirely optional, it’s so unimportant that a couple can go many weeks or months without sex and it has no negative effects on the relationship.

Wait now I’m all confused! What?

look, a man who starts an affair while his wife is dying or being treated for cancer is a sh*thead, fullstop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here, if I had a medical condition that prevented me from giving any sexual touch or pleasure to my wife I would give her a hall pass.

As a wife, I wouldn’t use such a hall pass. I would miss sex, but I love my husband too much to risk making a mess of things if emotions get involved.

[Anonymous]

OP and OMG and whoever else are trying to use an extremely small sliver of people one would feel compassion for (ie, man caring for 20 years for Alzheimer's spouse who hasn't remembered who he is in 10 years seeking a companion while still supporting the ill spouse) and distorting it to imply that it would be totally cool to go get a side piece while your spouse undergoes radiation treatment.

As in all things in life there is a long stretch of moral grey area in this issue but acting like it is all about sex when it is much more frequently about seeking emotional support while being a full time caretaker is insulting to all people enduring this difficult fate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is justifiable if the spouse has dementia or is otherwise significantly cogntively impaired. Also perhaps justifiable if the spouse has a long-term physical inability like paralysis. But what seems unjustifiable is stepping out on an acutely or terminally ill spouse. In that case you're taking emotional energy away from them when they really need you in a crisis. This is also very gendered - research shows than husbands are more likely to divorce sick wives.

Idk in the cases I've seen, it breathes new life into the spouse (I agree, it's always a man) and they are better able to care for the vegetative or ill spouse. Posters here are making it seem like it's about sex, but it's more about companionship that I've seen. Caring for a vegetative spouse for decades is hard and you really can't judge until you've been there.

I also think that it's normally men that look for this arrangement because women have better support systems of friends and family that they can lean on. Men often don't turn to friends and family and miss the friendship part of a marriage.

This was true in our case. She was not vegetative but sex was not ever going to happen again. I really was a positive thing for our marriage. She showed me how much she loved me and cared about my needs by insisting I find an AP and was able to impose a few simple rules to protect our marriage.

Was your affair partner married too? I hope so.

I had more than one over several years. Some were married, some not.

So, your marital vows mean nothing to you? If you are religious, then what is the point of pretending as you are breaking many rules?

Just the ones that become inconvenient. I wonder if their spouses know what a crappy person they married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Threads like this always gross me out.

Same here. All the nasty people reveal themselves. They only see their spouse as something to supply their sexual needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP and OMG and whoever else are trying to use an extremely small sliver of people one would feel compassion for (ie, man caring for 20 years for Alzheimer's spouse who hasn't remembered who he is in 10 years seeking a companion while still supporting the ill spouse) and distorting it to imply that it would be totally cool to go get a side piece while your spouse undergoes radiation treatment.

As in all things in life there is a long stretch of moral grey area in this issue but acting like it is all about sex when it is much more frequently about seeking emotional support while being a full time caretaker is insulting to all people enduring this difficult fate.

On the super-long thread about how OMG is a jerk, OMG was also pretty dismissive of the idea that there are medical conditions that lower libido and that cheating in those circumstances is particularly cruel. His logic was basically, well, in THOSE situations, it wouldn't be great to "open the marriage" because the spouse is genuinely sick, as opposed to all those other frigid women who are just uninterested. Now he seems to be taking the stance of it being okay to cheat in this situation because the spouse is medically unable to be intimate and therefore open marriage is a quiet solution that strengthens the marriage. You can't have it both ways, OMG. In reality, your declaration that a marriage is open is cowardly. Actually, in reality, this point is moot, since you are not married and may not ever have actually had sex before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP and OMG and whoever else are trying to use an extremely small sliver of people one would feel compassion for (ie, man caring for 20 years for Alzheimer's spouse who hasn't remembered who he is in 10 years seeking a companion while still supporting the ill spouse) and distorting it to imply that it would be totally cool to go get a side piece while your spouse undergoes radiation treatment.

As in all things in life there is a long stretch of moral grey area in this issue but acting like it is all about sex when it is much more frequently about seeking emotional support while being a full time caretaker is insulting to all people enduring this difficult fate.

The basic failure on your part is to acknowledge the legitimacy of sex as an ongoing need both for relationship health and for individual well being. Most others on here unstand this. Nobody is saying you should leave your spouse’s deathbed for a sexual roundevouz. But even a medical condition does not obviate the normal human needs of your partner, and it is cruel of you to invent scenarios of prolonged sexlessness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
How about him falling in love with his AP and leaving you? Getting her pregnant? Or just getting so emotionally attached he can't support you emotionally?

I think people are being pretty naive here.

Boy the way you make such a really big deal over just some sex, you would almost think that maybe sex is pretty darned important to a marriage! But we know better, all the sexless marriage threads have made it pretty clear that sex is entirely optional, it’s so unimportant that a couple can go many weeks or months without sex and it has no negative effects on the relationship.

Wait now I’m all confused! What?

look, a man who starts an affair while his wife is dying or being treated for cancer is a sh*thead, fullstop.

Exactly. What about all the guys who have ED? Still not acceptable to cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is justifiable if the spouse has dementia or is otherwise significantly cogntively impaired. Also perhaps justifiable if the spouse has a long-term physical inability like paralysis. But what seems unjustifiable is stepping out on an acutely or terminally ill spouse. In that case you're taking emotional energy away from them when they really need you in a crisis. This is also very gendered - research shows than husbands are more likely to divorce sick wives.

Idk in the cases I've seen, it breathes new life into the spouse (I agree, it's always a man) and they are better able to care for the vegetative or ill spouse. Posters here are making it seem like it's about sex, but it's more about companionship that I've seen. Caring for a vegetative spouse for decades is hard and you really can't judge until you've been there.

I also think that it's normally men that look for this arrangement because women have better support systems of friends and family that they can lean on. Men often don't turn to friends and family and miss the friendship part of a marriage.

This was true in our case. She was not vegetative but sex was not ever going to happen again. I really was a positive thing for our marriage. She showed me how much she loved me and cared about my needs by insisting I find an AP and was able to impose a few simple rules to protect our marriage.

Was your affair partner married too? I hope so.

I had more than one over several years. Some were married, some not.

So, your marital vows mean nothing to you? If you are religious, then what is the point of pretending as you are breaking many rules?

And if he isn't religious? (I'm not) and if his vows didn't include "to forsake all others?" (mine didn't) and Vitally, you are forgetting the fact that this PP and his wife *HAD A DISCUSSION* about it. So it wasn't cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP and OMG and whoever else are trying to use an extremely small sliver of people one would feel compassion for (ie, man caring for 20 years for Alzheimer's spouse who hasn't remembered who he is in 10 years seeking a companion while still supporting the ill spouse) and distorting it to imply that it would be totally cool to go get a side piece while your spouse undergoes radiation treatment.

As in all things in life there is a long stretch of moral grey area in this issue but acting like it is all about sex when it is much more frequently about seeking emotional support while being a full time caretaker is insulting to all people enduring this difficult fate.

The basic failure on your part is to acknowledge the legitimacy of sex as an ongoing need both for relationship health and for individual well being. Most others on here unstand this. Nobody is saying you should leave your spouse’s deathbed for a sexual roundevouz. But even a medical condition does not obviate the normal human needs of your partner, and it is cruel of you to invent scenarios of prolonged sexlessness.

Most others on here don't understand you OMG. Hence the long thread from a couple of weeks ago. And you don't understand us since you've never been married and/or are a virgin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is justifiable if the spouse has dementia or is otherwise significantly cogntively impaired. Also perhaps justifiable if the spouse has a long-term physical inability like paralysis. But what seems unjustifiable is stepping out on an acutely or terminally ill spouse. In that case you're taking emotional energy away from them when they really need you in a crisis. This is also very gendered - research shows than husbands are more likely to divorce sick wives.

Idk in the cases I've seen, it breathes new life into the spouse (I agree, it's always a man) and they are better able to care for the vegetative or ill spouse. Posters here are making it seem like it's about sex, but it's more about companionship that I've seen. Caring for a vegetative spouse for decades is hard and you really can't judge until you've been there.

I also think that it's normally men that look for this arrangement because women have better support systems of friends and family that they can lean on. Men often don't turn to friends and family and miss the friendship part of a marriage.

This was true in our case. She was not vegetative but sex was not ever going to happen again. I really was a positive thing for our marriage. She showed me how much she loved me and cared about my needs by insisting I find an AP and was able to impose a few simple rules to protect our marriage.

Was your affair partner married too? I hope so.

I had more than one over several years. Some were married, some not.

So, your marital vows mean nothing to you? If you are religious, then what is the point of pretending as you are breaking many rules?

And if he isn't religious? (I'm not) and if his vows didn't include "to forsake all others?" (mine didn't) and Vitally, you are forgetting the fact that this PP and his wife *HAD A DISCUSSION* about it. So it wasn't cheating.

They you are still a lousy person. The wife probably agreed as she needed the financial support and had no other option. It absolutely is cheating if you are married and seeing other people.

You all make me grateful for my spouse.

You can satisfy yourself without leaving the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They you are still a lousy person. The wife probably agreed as she needed the financial support and had no other option. It absolutely is cheating if you are married and seeing other people.

You all make me grateful for my spouse.

You can satisfy yourself without leaving the marriage.

This is not a sustainable option for a normal libido healthy person. Sorry try again to give a viable alternative to open marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is justifiable if the spouse has dementia or is otherwise significantly cogntively impaired. Also perhaps justifiable if the spouse has a long-term physical inability like paralysis. But what seems unjustifiable is stepping out on an acutely or terminally ill spouse. In that case you're taking emotional energy away from them when they really need you in a crisis. This is also very gendered - research shows than husbands are more likely to divorce sick wives.

Idk in the cases I've seen, it breathes new life into the spouse (I agree, it's always a man) and they are better able to care for the vegetative or ill spouse. Posters here are making it seem like it's about sex, but it's more about companionship that I've seen. Caring for a vegetative spouse for decades is hard and you really can't judge until you've been there.

I also think that it's normally men that look for this arrangement because women have better support systems of friends and family that they can lean on. Men often don't turn to friends and family and miss the friendship part of a marriage.

This was true in our case. She was not vegetative but sex was not ever going to happen again. I really was a positive thing for our marriage. She showed me how much she loved me and cared about my needs by insisting I find an AP and was able to impose a few simple rules to protect our marriage.

Was your affair partner married too? I hope so.

I had more than one over several years. Some were married, some not.

So, your marital vows mean nothing to you? If you are religious, then what is the point of pretending as you are breaking many rules?

And if he isn't religious? (I'm not) and if his vows didn't include "to forsake all others?" (mine didn't) and Vitally, you are forgetting the fact that this PP and his wife *HAD A DISCUSSION* about it. So it wasn't cheating.

They you are still a lousy person. The wife probably agreed as she needed the financial support and had no other option. It absolutely is cheating if you are married and seeing other people.

You all make me grateful for my spouse.

You can satisfy yourself without leaving the marriage.

Yes this is spousal abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They you are still a lousy person. The wife probably agreed as she needed the financial support and had no other option. It absolutely is cheating if you are married and seeing other people.

You all make me grateful for my spouse.

You can satisfy yourself without leaving the marriage.

This is not a sustainable option for a normal libido healthy person. Sorry try again to give a viable alternative to open marriage.

I seriously hope you are not married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP and OMG and whoever else are trying to use an extremely small sliver of people one would feel compassion for (ie, man caring for 20 years for Alzheimer's spouse who hasn't remembered who he is in 10 years seeking a companion while still supporting the ill spouse) and distorting it to imply that it would be totally cool to go get a side piece while your spouse undergoes radiation treatment.

As in all things in life there is a long stretch of moral grey area in this issue but acting like it is all about sex when it is much more frequently about seeking emotional support while being a full time caretaker is insulting to all people enduring this difficult fate.

The basic failure on your part is to acknowledge the legitimacy of sex as an ongoing need both for relationship health and for individual well being. Most others on here unstand this. Nobody is saying you should leave your spouse’s deathbed for a sexual roundevouz. But even a medical condition does not obviate the normal human needs of your partner, and it is cruel of you to invent scenarios of prolonged sexlessness.

OK well I guess nobody should ever have to do anything hard in life. I "needed" not to deal with the stress and hard work of caring for my sick and dying relative but I did it anyway.