For Better, or Worse: "Open" marriage with a medical ill spouse

[Anonymous]

After running into numerous men online who claim to have "open marriages" due to their partner's being medical ill, I was wondering how serious do couples dissect the idea of an open marriage. Personally, I think that you should take the good with the bad when it comes to marriage or choose to divorce. Of course, that's my view as a single women being approached by men looking to supplement their marriages with sex from someone else. It's not my cup of tea, since I cannot reap the benefits of your marriage.

So, married DCUM, what are your views on open marriages?

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman. I've thought about this. If either of us got so ill that we couldn't have sex anymore, like say if one was paralyzed, then I think there should be some leeway. You can't expect an adult to go without sex for the rest of their lives. The danger IMO here is that this would lead to an emotional attachment as well. It's a sad situation all around.

But, if the person's illness was only temporary, like they had cancer and was going through chemo, then absolutely not. I would say a couple of years of not being able to have sex is my cut off.

[Anonymous]

Are these people who would have divorced but stayed married because of health insurance?

[Anonymous]

My uncle was married to a woman with severe dementia who was bed ridden for about 15 years (I mean she was ill for 15 years). He wasn't on dating websites, but he did find a life companion who he spent his time with. She eventually moved in and lived with him and his wife for her last 5 years. Once his wife died, my uncle and his girlfriend got married. It was sad all around but no one blamed him. He missed some of the best years due to his wife's illness (he's too old for kids now), but he cared for his wife for her entire life. My uncle's new wife is a very kind woman too. Just a bad situation.

[Anonymous]

As I’ve said here a dozen times, most normal libido men in a low sex marriage consider it “open”. But there are DCUM women who will come and try to convince you otherwise “no, you really are not seeing numerous men online like that... because their VOWS”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As I’ve said here a dozen times, most normal libido men in a low sex marriage consider it “open”. But there are DCUM women who will come and try to convince you otherwise “no, you really are not seeing numerous men online like that... because their VOWS”

I am a man and that’s just untrue.

[Anonymous]

Woman here: My personal view is I see why these arrangements are a great alternative for folks who enjoy the comfort and companionship of marriage, and still have healthy sex drives.

I personally would be interested in an arrangement like this, but my husband is very against - and I love him more than I crave variety.

I guess I listened to a lot of Dan Savage at a formative time. I've spoken with a bunch of polyamorists as well (used to write about polyamory sometimes back when I was a journalist and polyamory was getting a lot of media attention). I get why people don't like it. I get why people do.

I don't know about the guys you're meeting online. I think this only works if everyone involved really is ok with it. I have no idea if they are being honest and ethical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here: My personal view is I see why these arrangements are a great alternative for folks who enjoy the comfort and companionship of marriage, and still have healthy sex drives.

I personally would be interested in an arrangement like this, but my husband is very against - and I love him more than I crave variety.

I guess I listened to a lot of Dan Savage at a formative time. I've spoken with a bunch of polyamorists as well (used to write about polyamory sometimes back when I was a journalist and polyamory was getting a lot of media attention). I get why people don't like it. I get why people do.

I don't know about the guys you're meeting online. I think this only works if everyone involved really is ok with it. I have no idea if they are being honest and ethical.

^ "healthy" was the wrong word. I suppose have sex drives that aren't satisfied within one's marriage, is the better way to put it

[Anonymous]

My friend in her late 50's is happily married to a man that she is not sexually attracted to any longer. The get along and have kids and grands. She gave him a permanent hall pass with the understanding that he will be safe and discrete. It works for them.

[Anonymous]

These men are just horny, op. I don’t doubt the veracity of the poster talking about her uncle, situations like those do happen. As your lit ness test, ask yourself if you thought “I would love to live like that!” When you were younger and thought of a loving relationship. You probably didn’t envision being a married man’s side piece. If you do find yourself in a situation where this setup is acceptable to you, you won’t be asking the internet for advice. Horny people can rationalize any behavior, and people on the internet can make any behavior seem harmless.

[Anonymous]

If they're both on board with it and it's not something the ill person felt coerced into for fear their spouse leaving them, that's fine for them. But I have zero interest in getting involved in someone else's marriage, even with the spouse's consent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These men are just horny, op. I don’t doubt the veracity of the poster talking about her uncle, situations like those do happen. As your lit ness test, ask yourself if you thought “I would love to live like that!” When you were younger and thought of a loving relationship. You probably didn’t envision being a married man’s side piece. If you do find yourself in a situation where this setup is acceptable to you, you won’t be asking the internet for advice. Horny people can rationalize any behavior, and people on the internet can make any behavior seem harmless.

Litmus?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After running into numerous men online who claim to have "open marriages" due to their partner's being medical ill, I was wondering how serious do couples dissect the idea of an open marriage. Personally, I think that you should take the good with the bad when it comes to marriage or choose to divorce. Of course, that's my view as a single women being approached by men looking to supplement their marriages with sex from someone else. It's not my cup of tea, since I cannot reap the benefits of your marriage.

So, married DCUM, what are your views on open marriages?

I doubt these men mean their wives are seriously ill. It's far more likely that they suck as husbands, their wives lost interest, and they justify cheating by saying their wife has some medical issue that causes low libido.

[Anonymous]

Threads like this always gross me out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After running into numerous men online who claim to have "open marriages" due to their partner's being medical ill, I was wondering how serious do couples dissect the idea of an open marriage. Personally, I think that you should take the good with the bad when it comes to marriage or choose to divorce. Of course, that's my view as a single women being approached by men looking to supplement their marriages with sex from someone else. It's not my cup of tea, since I cannot reap the benefits of your marriage.

So, married DCUM, what are your views on open marriages?

I doubt these men mean their wives are seriously ill. It's far more likely that they suck as husbands, their wives lost interest, and they justify cheating by saying their wife has some medical issue that causes low libido.

Let’s assume you are right: he sucks as a husband such that she lost interest. She must then divorce. By her not divorcing, the marriage is opened.