For Better, or Worse: "Open" marriage with a medical ill spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had this arrangement with my spouse. I won't go into her medical condition but sex was not going to happen again. She was the one who sat me down and insisted on it after giving it a lot of thought on her own It wasn't something I asked for. It worked out much better than I imagined but it takes the right kind of person to make it work.

I agree that men are a lot less likely to agree to suxh an arrangement where the H is I'll.

Ick.

[Anonymous]

I feel like this is justifiable if the spouse has dementia or is otherwise significantly cogntively impaired. Also perhaps justifiable if the spouse has a long-term physical inability like paralysis. But what seems unjustifiable is stepping out on an acutely or terminally ill spouse. In that case you're taking emotional energy away from them when they really need you in a crisis. This is also very gendered - research shows than husbands are more likely to divorce sick wives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is justifiable if the spouse has dementia or is otherwise significantly cogntively impaired. Also perhaps justifiable if the spouse has a long-term physical inability like paralysis. But what seems unjustifiable is stepping out on an acutely or terminally ill spouse. In that case you're taking emotional energy away from them when they really need you in a crisis. This is also very gendered - research shows than husbands are more likely to divorce sick wives.

Idk in the cases I've seen, it breathes new life into the spouse (I agree, it's always a man) and they are better able to care for the vegetative or ill spouse. Posters here are making it seem like it's about sex, but it's more about companionship that I've seen. Caring for a vegetative spouse for decades is hard and you really can't judge until you've been there.

I also think that it's normally men that look for this arrangement because women have better support systems of friends and family that they can lean on. Men often don't turn to friends and family and miss the friendship part of a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is justifiable if the spouse has dementia or is otherwise significantly cogntively impaired. Also perhaps justifiable if the spouse has a long-term physical inability like paralysis. But what seems unjustifiable is stepping out on an acutely or terminally ill spouse. In that case you're taking emotional energy away from them when they really need you in a crisis. This is also very gendered - research shows than husbands are more likely to divorce sick wives.

Idk in the cases I've seen, it breathes new life into the spouse (I agree, it's always a man) and they are better able to care for the vegetative or ill spouse. Posters here are making it seem like it's about sex, but it's more about companionship that I've seen. Caring for a vegetative spouse for decades is hard and you really can't judge until you've been there.

I also think that it's normally men that look for this arrangement because women have better support systems of friends and family that they can lean on. Men often don't turn to friends and family and miss the friendship part of a marriage.

There's a big difference between "vegetative" and "ill." If the spouse is cognitively incapacitated for decades, then it's less problematic, I agree. But if they are say, horribly ill and undergoing brutal chemo, surgery and radiation ... then it seems really hard to justify spending the time and energy on a different relationship, one that could be discovered and devastate the ill spouse. Basically having an affair when your spouse needs you the most because you "need" sex? Is pretty gross and bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is justifiable if the spouse has dementia or is otherwise significantly cogntively impaired. Also perhaps justifiable if the spouse has a long-term physical inability like paralysis. But what seems unjustifiable is stepping out on an acutely or terminally ill spouse. In that case you're taking emotional energy away from them when they really need you in a crisis. This is also very gendered - research shows than husbands are more likely to divorce sick wives.

Idk in the cases I've seen, it breathes new life into the spouse (I agree, it's always a man) and they are better able to care for the vegetative or ill spouse. Posters here are making it seem like it's about sex, but it's more about companionship that I've seen. Caring for a vegetative spouse for decades is hard and you really can't judge until you've been there.

I also think that it's normally men that look for this arrangement because women have better support systems of friends and family that they can lean on. Men often don't turn to friends and family and miss the friendship part of a marriage.

There's a big difference between "vegetative" and "ill." If the spouse is cognitively incapacitated for decades, then it's less problematic, I agree. But if they are say, horribly ill and undergoing brutal chemo, surgery and radiation ... then it seems really hard to justify spending the time and energy on a different relationship, one that could be discovered and devastate the ill spouse. Basically having an affair when your spouse needs you the most because you "need" sex? Is pretty gross and bad.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is justifiable if the spouse has dementia or is otherwise significantly cogntively impaired. Also perhaps justifiable if the spouse has a long-term physical inability like paralysis. But what seems unjustifiable is stepping out on an acutely or terminally ill spouse. In that case you're taking emotional energy away from them when they really need you in a crisis. This is also very gendered - research shows than husbands are more likely to divorce sick wives.

Idk in the cases I've seen, it breathes new life into the spouse (I agree, it's always a man) and they are better able to care for the vegetative or ill spouse. Posters here are making it seem like it's about sex, but it's more about companionship that I've seen. Caring for a vegetative spouse for decades is hard and you really can't judge until you've been there.

I also think that it's normally men that look for this arrangement because women have better support systems of friends and family that they can lean on. Men often don't turn to friends and family and miss the friendship part of a marriage.

There's a big difference between "vegetative" and "ill." If the spouse is cognitively incapacitated for decades, then it's less problematic, I agree. But if they are say, horribly ill and undergoing brutal chemo, surgery and radiation ... then it seems really hard to justify spending the time and energy on a different relationship, one that could be discovered and devastate the ill spouse. Basically having an affair when your spouse needs you the most because you "need" sex? Is pretty gross and bad.

+1.

Explain why a healthy normal libido having outside sex precludes him/her from also fully meeting the needs of an ailing spouse. This arrangement keeps the marriage together when the only other option is divorce. Win-win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is justifiable if the spouse has dementia or is otherwise significantly cogntively impaired. Also perhaps justifiable if the spouse has a long-term physical inability like paralysis. But what seems unjustifiable is stepping out on an acutely or terminally ill spouse. In that case you're taking emotional energy away from them when they really need you in a crisis. This is also very gendered - research shows than husbands are more likely to divorce sick wives.

Idk in the cases I've seen, it breathes new life into the spouse (I agree, it's always a man) and they are better able to care for the vegetative or ill spouse. Posters here are making it seem like it's about sex, but it's more about companionship that I've seen. Caring for a vegetative spouse for decades is hard and you really can't judge until you've been there.

I also think that it's normally men that look for this arrangement because women have better support systems of friends and family that they can lean on. Men often don't turn to friends and family and miss the friendship part of a marriage.

There's a big difference between "vegetative" and "ill." If the spouse is cognitively incapacitated for decades, then it's less problematic, I agree. But if they are say, horribly ill and undergoing brutal chemo, surgery and radiation ... then it seems really hard to justify spending the time and energy on a different relationship, one that could be discovered and devastate the ill spouse. Basically having an affair when your spouse needs you the most because you "need" sex? Is pretty gross and bad.

+1.

Explain why a healthy normal libido having outside sex precludes him/her from also fully meeting the needs of an ailing spouse. This arrangement keeps the marriage together when the only other option is divorce. Win-win.

Hi OMG, when was the last time you had sex yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is justifiable if the spouse has dementia or is otherwise significantly cogntively impaired. Also perhaps justifiable if the spouse has a long-term physical inability like paralysis. But what seems unjustifiable is stepping out on an acutely or terminally ill spouse. In that case you're taking emotional energy away from them when they really need you in a crisis. This is also very gendered - research shows than husbands are more likely to divorce sick wives.

Idk in the cases I've seen, it breathes new life into the spouse (I agree, it's always a man) and they are better able to care for the vegetative or ill spouse. Posters here are making it seem like it's about sex, but it's more about companionship that I've seen. Caring for a vegetative spouse for decades is hard and you really can't judge until you've been there.

I also think that it's normally men that look for this arrangement because women have better support systems of friends and family that they can lean on. Men often don't turn to friends and family and miss the friendship part of a marriage.

This was true in our case. She was not vegetative but sex was not ever going to happen again. I really was a positive thing for our marriage. She showed me how much she loved me and cared about my needs by insisting I find an AP and was able to impose a few simple rules to protect our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is justifiable if the spouse has dementia or is otherwise significantly cogntively impaired. Also perhaps justifiable if the spouse has a long-term physical inability like paralysis. But what seems unjustifiable is stepping out on an acutely or terminally ill spouse. In that case you're taking emotional energy away from them when they really need you in a crisis. This is also very gendered - research shows than husbands are more likely to divorce sick wives.

Idk in the cases I've seen, it breathes new life into the spouse (I agree, it's always a man) and they are better able to care for the vegetative or ill spouse. Posters here are making it seem like it's about sex, but it's more about companionship that I've seen. Caring for a vegetative spouse for decades is hard and you really can't judge until you've been there.

I also think that it's normally men that look for this arrangement because women have better support systems of friends and family that they can lean on. Men often don't turn to friends and family and miss the friendship part of a marriage.

This was true in our case. She was not vegetative but sex was not ever going to happen again. I really was a positive thing for our marriage. She showed me how much she loved me and cared about my needs by insisting I find an AP and was able to impose a few simple rules to protect our marriage.

Was your affair partner married too? I hope so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are having affairs and lying. Why would you want a man who is cheating on his wife and lying about it? Even worse, she is ill at home with kids and he's busy running around with you. Would you want him to treat you that way?

This. They're almost certainly lying.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be interested in an open marriage under normal circumstances. I'm basically monogamous by nature.

But under abnormal circumstances, sure, why not. If I were to lose sexual functioning at a relatively young age and my husband seemed very unhappy, I might offer him the chance to do stuff on the side. (I'd be worried he'd get attached, though.) If my husband developed alzheimers or something and wasn't a partner anymore, at a young age, I could see myself seeking out a partner outside of the marriage.

I'm single, so this isn't something I have to worry about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is justifiable if the spouse has dementia or is otherwise significantly cogntively impaired. Also perhaps justifiable if the spouse has a long-term physical inability like paralysis. But what seems unjustifiable is stepping out on an acutely or terminally ill spouse. In that case you're taking emotional energy away from them when they really need you in a crisis. This is also very gendered - research shows than husbands are more likely to divorce sick wives.

Idk in the cases I've seen, it breathes new life into the spouse (I agree, it's always a man) and they are better able to care for the vegetative or ill spouse. Posters here are making it seem like it's about sex, but it's more about companionship that I've seen. Caring for a vegetative spouse for decades is hard and you really can't judge until you've been there.

I also think that it's normally men that look for this arrangement because women have better support systems of friends and family that they can lean on. Men often don't turn to friends and family and miss the friendship part of a marriage.

There's a big difference between "vegetative" and "ill." If the spouse is cognitively incapacitated for decades, then it's less problematic, I agree. But if they are say, horribly ill and undergoing brutal chemo, surgery and radiation ... then it seems really hard to justify spending the time and energy on a different relationship, one that could be discovered and devastate the ill spouse. Basically having an affair when your spouse needs you the most because you "need" sex? Is pretty gross and bad.

Yes, that is when they need you the most. There are some pretty gross and bad people on here, feel sorry for their spouses if married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is justifiable if the spouse has dementia or is otherwise significantly cogntively impaired. Also perhaps justifiable if the spouse has a long-term physical inability like paralysis. But what seems unjustifiable is stepping out on an acutely or terminally ill spouse. In that case you're taking emotional energy away from them when they really need you in a crisis. This is also very gendered - research shows than husbands are more likely to divorce sick wives.

Idk in the cases I've seen, it breathes new life into the spouse (I agree, it's always a man) and they are better able to care for the vegetative or ill spouse. Posters here are making it seem like it's about sex, but it's more about companionship that I've seen. Caring for a vegetative spouse for decades is hard and you really can't judge until you've been there.

I also think that it's normally men that look for this arrangement because women have better support systems of friends and family that they can lean on. Men often don't turn to friends and family and miss the friendship part of a marriage.

There's a big difference between "vegetative" and "ill." If the spouse is cognitively incapacitated for decades, then it's less problematic, I agree. But if they are say, horribly ill and undergoing brutal chemo, surgery and radiation ... then it seems really hard to justify spending the time and energy on a different relationship, one that could be discovered and devastate the ill spouse. Basically having an affair when your spouse needs you the most because you "need" sex? Is pretty gross and bad.

+1.

Explain why a healthy normal libido having outside sex precludes him/her from also fully meeting the needs of an ailing spouse. This arrangement keeps the marriage together when the only other option is divorce. Win-win.

If I have to explain to you why you shouldn't cheat on your spouse who is dying of cancer, I don't know what to tell you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman. I've thought about this. If either of us got so ill that we couldn't have sex anymore, like say if one was paralyzed, then I think there should be some leeway. You can't expect an adult to go without sex for the rest of their lives. The danger IMO here is that this would lead to an emotional attachment as well. It's a sad situation all around.

But, if the person's illness was only temporary, like they had cancer and was going through chemo, then absolutely not. I would say a couple of years of not being able to have sex is my cut off.

Seriously??? Cancer is not “temporary”!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman. I've thought about this. If either of us got so ill that we couldn't have sex anymore, like say if one was paralyzed, then I think there should be some leeway. You can't expect an adult to go without sex for the rest of their lives. The danger IMO here is that this would lead to an emotional attachment as well. It's a sad situation all around.

But, if the person's illness was only temporary, like they had cancer and was going through chemo, then absolutely not. I would say a couple of years of not being able to have sex is my cut off.

It’s always about the sex.

Forget your vows.