For Better, or Worse: "Open" marriage with a medical ill spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They you are still a lousy person. The wife probably agreed as she needed the financial support and had no other option. It absolutely is cheating if you are married and seeing other people.

You all make me grateful for my spouse.

You can satisfy yourself without leaving the marriage.

This is not a sustainable option for a normal libido healthy person. Sorry try again to give a viable alternative to open marriage.

you LEAVE the marriage and let society know you're an abandoning shithole, and split the assets accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They you are still a lousy person. The wife probably agreed as she needed the financial support and had no other option. It absolutely is cheating if you are married and seeing other people.

You all make me grateful for my spouse.

You can satisfy yourself without leaving the marriage.

This is not a sustainable option for a normal libido healthy person. Sorry try again to give a viable alternative to open marriage.

Hey OMG, are you a virgin? You haven't told us!

[Anonymous]

In some of the more wealthy enclaves of south Florida that are plenty of 55-60 year old women who at age 40 became trophy wives to 60 year old men who are now 75-85 year old men with medical issues who want lights out at 8pm. These women hit the clubs and are pretty open about their state in life. They don’t say that they have an open marriage but they are very open to discrete sex with men their age or younger.

[Anonymous]

Some of you people are lousy spouses.

If my spouse is so sick or incapacitated that sex isn't an option then sex is the LAST thing on my mind. And believe me, I know what it is like to nurse someone to their dying day - I did that for my father. Diapers and all.

I have emotional support from my siblings and friends. I don't need to go find anyone else.

I promised for better or worse and sickness and in health. I sure as hell meant it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In some of the more wealthy enclaves of south Florida that are plenty of 55-60 year old women who at age 40 became trophy wives to 60 year old men who are now 75-85 year old men with medical issues who want lights out at 8pm. These women hit the clubs and are pretty open about their state in life. They don’t say that they have an open marriage but they are very open to discrete sex with men their age or younger.

Oh please that's everywhere. Those are called leeches who married for a lifestyle. Doubt those old fossils expected them to stick by them as they aged. Those marriages are parasitic.

OP I believe is talking about "real" marriages. Of course if someone is willing to cheat once they become ill, I guess it was a fake marriage all along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you people are lousy spouses.

If my spouse is so sick or incapacitated that sex isn't an option then sex is the LAST thing on my mind. And believe me, I know what it is like to nurse someone to their dying day - I did that for my father. Diapers and all.

I have emotional support from my siblings and friends. I don't need to go find anyone else.

I promised for better or worse and sickness and in health. I sure as hell meant it.

Yes but a lot don't, why the divorce rate is so high. Many people probably know they are stuck with a lousy spouse, but too old to get divorced and start over. If my spouse was one of those I would be long divorced.

No sense in staying married to someone who values sex to that degree. That's not normal and disturbing. Reminds me of what pedophiles tells cops. All b.s. on how they can't help it...same crap nasty people use to excuse their sickness.

[Anonymous]

Stephen Hawking got divorced. For cheating on his wife.

At the time, one pinky still moved.

Damn. Just.....wow. Dude had game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They you are still a lousy person. The wife probably agreed as she needed the financial support and had no other option. It absolutely is cheating if you are married and seeing other people.

You all make me grateful for my spouse.

You can satisfy yourself without leaving the marriage.

This is not a sustainable option for a normal libido healthy person. Sorry try again to give a viable alternative to open marriage.

you LEAVE the marriage and let society know you're an abandoning shithole, and split the assets accordingly.

That's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They you are still a lousy person. The wife probably agreed as she needed the financial support and had no other option. It absolutely is cheating if you are married and seeing other people.

You all make me grateful for my spouse.

You can satisfy yourself without leaving the marriage.

This is not a sustainable option for a normal libido healthy person. Sorry try again to give a viable alternative to open marriage.

I seriously hope you are not married.

That’s ironic coming from the one who is literally saying “I don’t care about my partner’s needs, he should just take care of himself”. I don’t know why anyone would want to be with such a selfish partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OK well I guess nobody should ever have to do anything hard in life. I "needed" not to deal with the stress and hard work of caring for my sick and dying relative but I did it anyway.

There is a big difference between unavoidable hardships in life versus intentional selfishness to simultaneously reject sex AND object to your spouse doing that “unimportant thing” with somebody else who wants it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They you are still a lousy person. The wife probably agreed as she needed the financial support and had no other option. It absolutely is cheating if you are married and seeing other people.

You all make me grateful for my spouse.

You can satisfy yourself without leaving the marriage.

This is not a sustainable option for a normal libido healthy person. Sorry try again to give a viable alternative to open marriage.

you LEAVE the marriage and let society know you're an abandoning shithole, and split the assets accordingly.

So it’s better for an ailing spouse to divorce than to recognize the legitimate sexual needs of a healthy spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is justifiable if the spouse has dementia or is otherwise significantly cogntively impaired. Also perhaps justifiable if the spouse has a long-term physical inability like paralysis. But what seems unjustifiable is stepping out on an acutely or terminally ill spouse. In that case you're taking emotional energy away from them when they really need you in a crisis. This is also very gendered - research shows than husbands are more likely to divorce sick wives.

Idk in the cases I've seen, it breathes new life into the spouse (I agree, it's always a man) and they are better able to care for the vegetative or ill spouse. Posters here are making it seem like it's about sex, but it's more about companionship that I've seen. Caring for a vegetative spouse for decades is hard and you really can't judge until you've been there.

I also think that it's normally men that look for this arrangement because women have better support systems of friends and family that they can lean on. Men often don't turn to friends and family and miss the friendship part of a marriage.

This was true in our case. She was not vegetative but sex was not ever going to happen again. I really was a positive thing for our marriage. She showed me how much she loved me and cared about my needs by insisting I find an AP and was able to impose a few simple rules to protect our marriage.

Was your affair partner married too? I hope so.

I had more than one over several years. Some were married, some not.

So, your marital vows mean nothing to you? If you are religious, then what is the point of pretending as you are breaking many rules?

And if he isn't religious? (I'm not) and if his vows didn't include "to forsake all others?" (mine didn't) and Vitally, you are forgetting the fact that this PP and his wife *HAD A DISCUSSION* about it. So it wasn't cheating.

They you are still a lousy person. The wife probably agreed as she needed the financial support and had no other option. It absolutely is cheating if you are married and seeing other people.

You all make me grateful for my spouse.

You can satisfy yourself without leaving the marriage.

Why do you care how other consenting adults organize their marriage? Who died and made you in charge of what marriages ought to be?

If I had a medical condition that left me bedridden, I wouldn't care if my spouse relieved himself elsewhere discretely. Marriage is much more than monogamy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is justifiable if the spouse has dementia or is otherwise significantly cogntively impaired. Also perhaps justifiable if the spouse has a long-term physical inability like paralysis. But what seems unjustifiable is stepping out on an acutely or terminally ill spouse. In that case you're taking emotional energy away from them when they really need you in a crisis. This is also very gendered - research shows than husbands are more likely to divorce sick wives.

Idk in the cases I've seen, it breathes new life into the spouse (I agree, it's always a man) and they are better able to care for the vegetative or ill spouse. Posters here are making it seem like it's about sex, but it's more about companionship that I've seen. Caring for a vegetative spouse for decades is hard and you really can't judge until you've been there.

I also think that it's normally men that look for this arrangement because women have better support systems of friends and family that they can lean on. Men often don't turn to friends and family and miss the friendship part of a marriage.

This was true in our case. She was not vegetative but sex was not ever going to happen again. I really was a positive thing for our marriage. She showed me how much she loved me and cared about my needs by insisting I find an AP and was able to impose a few simple rules to protect our marriage.

Was your affair partner married too? I hope so.

I had more than one over several years. Some were married, some not.

So, your marital vows mean nothing to you? If you are religious, then what is the point of pretending as you are breaking many rules?

I'm the PP who responded (bolded). Neither of us was particularly religious. Our marriage and the rules we made were for us only. Our rules in our relationship did not turn out to be that rigid and as I said, this is something she insisted on me doing after much deliberation, reflection, and conversations with a few of her closest friends. She was going to find someone for me online if I didn't do it myself. I wouldn't have had the wisdom she did to know our marriage would not only survive, but grow stronger for it. There was no DADT. She wanted to know what was going on, within reason, and I told her anything she wanted to know and she was happy for me. I didn't cheat her out of anything and loved her all the more for it. She had a few simple rule and I was sure to respect those and protect our marriage.

Judge me all you like. I hope none of you ever face it. Until you do, you have no idea. This was between my wife and I and we made it work. She made it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is justifiable if the spouse has dementia or is otherwise significantly cogntively impaired. Also perhaps justifiable if the spouse has a long-term physical inability like paralysis. But what seems unjustifiable is stepping out on an acutely or terminally ill spouse. In that case you're taking emotional energy away from them when they really need you in a crisis. This is also very gendered - research shows than husbands are more likely to divorce sick wives.

Idk in the cases I've seen, it breathes new life into the spouse (I agree, it's always a man) and they are better able to care for the vegetative or ill spouse. Posters here are making it seem like it's about sex, but it's more about companionship that I've seen. Caring for a vegetative spouse for decades is hard and you really can't judge until you've been there.

I also think that it's normally men that look for this arrangement because women have better support systems of friends and family that they can lean on. Men often don't turn to friends and family and miss the friendship part of a marriage.

This was true in our case. She was not vegetative but sex was not ever going to happen again. I really was a positive thing for our marriage. She showed me how much she loved me and cared about my needs by insisting I find an AP and was able to impose a few simple rules to protect our marriage.

Was your affair partner married too? I hope so.

I had more than one over several years. Some were married, some not.

So, your marital vows mean nothing to you? If you are religious, then what is the point of pretending as you are breaking many rules?

And if he isn't religious? (I'm not) and if his vows didn't include "to forsake all others?" (mine didn't) and Vitally, you are forgetting the fact that this PP and his wife *HAD A DISCUSSION* about it. So it wasn't cheating.

They you are still a lousy person. The wife probably agreed as she needed the financial support and had no other option. It absolutely is cheating if you are married and seeing other people.

You all make me grateful for my spouse.

You can satisfy yourself without leaving the marriage.

Why do you care how other consenting adults organize their marriage? Who died and made you in charge of what marriages ought to be?

If I had a medical condition that left me bedridden, I wouldn't care if my spouse relieved himself elsewhere discretely. Marriage is much more than monogamy.

Exactly this. Our marriage was stronger and more loving than most any married couple I've known.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is justifiable if the spouse has dementia or is otherwise significantly cogntively impaired. Also perhaps justifiable if the spouse has a long-term physical inability like paralysis. But what seems unjustifiable is stepping out on an acutely or terminally ill spouse. In that case you're taking emotional energy away from them when they really need you in a crisis. This is also very gendered - research shows than husbands are more likely to divorce sick wives.

Idk in the cases I've seen, it breathes new life into the spouse (I agree, it's always a man) and they are better able to care for the vegetative or ill spouse. Posters here are making it seem like it's about sex, but it's more about companionship that I've seen. Caring for a vegetative spouse for decades is hard and you really can't judge until you've been there.

I also think that it's normally men that look for this arrangement because women have better support systems of friends and family that they can lean on. Men often don't turn to friends and family and miss the friendship part of a marriage.

This was true in our case. She was not vegetative but sex was not ever going to happen again. I really was a positive thing for our marriage. She showed me how much she loved me and cared about my needs by insisting I find an AP and was able to impose a few simple rules to protect our marriage.

Was your affair partner married too? I hope so.

I had more than one over several years. Some were married, some not.

So, your marital vows mean nothing to you? If you are religious, then what is the point of pretending as you are breaking many rules?

And if he isn't religious? (I'm not) and if his vows didn't include "to forsake all others?" (mine didn't) and Vitally, you are forgetting the fact that this PP and his wife *HAD A DISCUSSION* about it. So it wasn't cheating.

It wasn't cheating. There was no deception involved at all and she certainly wasn't pressured or coerced.