For Better, or Worse: "Open" marriage with a medical ill spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is justifiable if the spouse has dementia or is otherwise significantly cogntively impaired. Also perhaps justifiable if the spouse has a long-term physical inability like paralysis. But what seems unjustifiable is stepping out on an acutely or terminally ill spouse. In that case you're taking emotional energy away from them when they really need you in a crisis. This is also very gendered - research shows than husbands are more likely to divorce sick wives.

Idk in the cases I've seen, it breathes new life into the spouse (I agree, it's always a man) and they are better able to care for the vegetative or ill spouse. Posters here are making it seem like it's about sex, but it's more about companionship that I've seen. Caring for a vegetative spouse for decades is hard and you really can't judge until you've been there.

I also think that it's normally men that look for this arrangement because women have better support systems of friends and family that they can lean on. Men often don't turn to friends and family and miss the friendship part of a marriage.

This was true in our case. She was not vegetative but sex was not ever going to happen again. I really was a positive thing for our marriage. She showed me how much she loved me and cared about my needs by insisting I find an AP and was able to impose a few simple rules to protect our marriage.

Was your affair partner married too? I hope so.

I had more than one over several years. Some were married, some not.

So, your marital vows mean nothing to you? If you are religious, then what is the point of pretending as you are breaking many rules?

And if he isn't religious? (I'm not) and if his vows didn't include "to forsake all others?" (mine didn't) and Vitally, you are forgetting the fact that this PP and his wife *HAD A DISCUSSION* about it. So it wasn't cheating.

They you are still a lousy person. The wife probably agreed as she needed the financial support and had no other option. It absolutely is cheating if you are married and seeing other people.

You all make me grateful for my spouse.

You can satisfy yourself without leaving the marriage.

And you are an an asshole for suggesting she felt that way. I wasn't going anywhere and she had no reason to fear I was. It had nothing to do with not having options. It was a generous act on her part out of love for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is justifiable if the spouse has dementia or is otherwise significantly cogntively impaired. Also perhaps justifiable if the spouse has a long-term physical inability like paralysis. But what seems unjustifiable is stepping out on an acutely or terminally ill spouse. In that case you're taking emotional energy away from them when they really need you in a crisis. This is also very gendered - research shows than husbands are more likely to divorce sick wives.

Idk in the cases I've seen, it breathes new life into the spouse (I agree, it's always a man) and they are better able to care for the vegetative or ill spouse. Posters here are making it seem like it's about sex, but it's more about companionship that I've seen. Caring for a vegetative spouse for decades is hard and you really can't judge until you've been there.

I also think that it's normally men that look for this arrangement because women have better support systems of friends and family that they can lean on. Men often don't turn to friends and family and miss the friendship part of a marriage.

This was true in our case. She was not vegetative but sex was not ever going to happen again. I really was a positive thing for our marriage. She showed me how much she loved me and cared about my needs by insisting I find an AP and was able to impose a few simple rules to protect our marriage.

Was your affair partner married too? I hope so.

I had more than one over several years. Some were married, some not.

So, your marital vows mean nothing to you? If you are religious, then what is the point of pretending as you are breaking many rules?

And if he isn't religious? (I'm not) and if his vows didn't include "to forsake all others?" (mine didn't) and Vitally, you are forgetting the fact that this PP and his wife *HAD A DISCUSSION* about it. So it wasn't cheating.

They you are still a lousy person. The wife probably agreed as she needed the financial support and had no other option. It absolutely is cheating if you are married and seeing other people.

You all make me grateful for my spouse.

You can satisfy yourself without leaving the marriage.

And you are an an asshole for suggesting she felt that way. I wasn't going anywhere and she had no reason to fear I was. It had nothing to do with not having options. It was a generous act on her part out of love for me.

ETA: You can all have the last word. I'm done replying. I've explained it as best I can. Some of you understand. If you don't, I can't fault you for that. I'd never have imagined our life taking that turn, but it did and we managed it as best we could.

[Anonymous]

PP I'm a DP but FWIW I think your situation is fine. What happens between consensual adults is no ones business.

And I'm super nay on hitting the bars while your spouse is in chemo and loathe omg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They you are still a lousy person. The wife probably agreed as she needed the financial support and had no other option. It absolutely is cheating if you are married and seeing other people.

You all make me grateful for my spouse.

You can satisfy yourself without leaving the marriage.

This is not a sustainable option for a normal libido healthy person. Sorry try again to give a viable alternative to open marriage.

you LEAVE the marriage and let society know you're an abandoning shithole, and split the assets accordingly.

So it’s better for an ailing spouse to divorce than to recognize the legitimate sexual needs of a healthy spouse?

absolutely. if I were dying I would want to surround myself with loyal people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP I'm a DP but FWIW I think your situation is fine. What happens between consensual adults is no ones business.

And I'm super nay on hitting the bars while your spouse is in chemo and loathe omg.

It's fine, but I do wonder how his wife actually felt. Feeling like you have to give your spouse a hall pass or they'll abandon you in your time of need can't be that edifying. PP's description of his wife saying she would find him someone online is just a bit weird. PP sounds very passive and childlike.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP I'm a DP but FWIW I think your situation is fine. What happens between consensual adults is no ones business.

And I'm super nay on hitting the bars while your spouse is in chemo and loathe omg.

It's fine, but I do wonder how his wife actually felt. Feeling like you have to give your spouse a hall pass or they'll abandon you in your time of need can't be that edifying. PP's description of his wife saying she would find him someone online is just a bit weird. PP sounds very passive and childlike.

Have you helped a dying or permanently ill spouse through many many years of treatment? If not than STFU. Your parochial outlook on this kind of think is just as annoying as OMG saying it should automatically unlock the marriage. These situations are impossibly difficult and rarely exclusively about sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP I'm a DP but FWIW I think your situation is fine. What happens between consensual adults is no ones business.

And I'm super nay on hitting the bars while your spouse is in chemo and loathe omg.

It's fine, but I do wonder how his wife actually felt. Feeling like you have to give your spouse a hall pass or they'll abandon you in your time of need can't be that edifying. PP's description of his wife saying she would find him someone online is just a bit weird. PP sounds very passive and childlike.

Have you helped a dying or permanently ill spouse through many many years of treatment? If not than STFU. Your parochial outlook on this kind of think is just as annoying as OMG saying it should automatically unlock the marriage. These situations are impossibly difficult and rarely exclusively about sex.

I've seen women dying of cancer, and the thought that their husbands would decide to step out on them is just horrific. I don't disagree that there may be some marriages where this is done ungrudginly on the wife's part -- but I doubt that this is the normal course of events. The vast majority of women prize monogamy, and that does not change if they are dying. They may feel they have no other option other than the hall pass -- and I think that's the terrible thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP I'm a DP but FWIW I think your situation is fine. What happens between consensual adults is no ones business.

And I'm super nay on hitting the bars while your spouse is in chemo and loathe omg.

It's fine, but I do wonder how his wife actually felt. Feeling like you have to give your spouse a hall pass or they'll abandon you in your time of need can't be that edifying. PP's description of his wife saying she would find him someone online is just a bit weird. PP sounds very passive and childlike.

Have you helped a dying or permanently ill spouse through many many years of treatment? If not than STFU. Your parochial outlook on this kind of think is just as annoying as OMG saying it should automatically unlock the marriage. These situations are impossibly difficult and rarely exclusively about sex.

I've seen women dying of cancer, and the thought that their husbands would decide to step out on them is just horrific. I don't disagree that there may be some marriages where this is done ungrudginly on the wife's part -- but I doubt that this is the normal course of events. The vast majority of women prize monogamy, and that does not change if they are dying. They may feel they have no other option other than the hall pass -- and I think that's the terrible thing.

So I think what PP describes is not what you are describing. PP says that over the course of an illness or something his wife found out that she couldn't have sex again. And he had a few APs over the course of several years.

I fully 115% agree that finding out your spouse has cancer and then proceeding to go find a girlfriend is vile. But if a couple is faced with a very very long stretch of known time (and by this I mean like a decade until passing or something) I can see them green lighting this. It's really emotionally grueling to care for someone slowly degenerating. Allowing for people to figure out how to find the space to cope with that is important.

What's not ok is using this difficult scenario as some type of gross sexual fantasy to go have your 'needs' met while your wife's getting her port installed. That is just reprehensible fully agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I’ve said here a dozen times, most normal libido men in a low sex marriage consider it “open”. But there are DCUM women who will come and try to convince you otherwise “no, you really are not seeing numerous men online like that... because their VOWS”

I am a man and that’s just untrue.

Another man and I agree this is BS. Wish open marriage guy would get off DCUM and stop stinking up threads

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I’ve said here a dozen times, most normal libido men in a low sex marriage consider it “open”. But there are DCUM women who will come and try to convince you otherwise “no, you really are not seeing numerous men online like that... because their VOWS”

I am a man and that’s just untrue.

Another man and I agree this is BS. Wish open marriage guy would get off DCUM and stop stinking up threads

Yours (and PPs) statement carries no weight without some credible answer to the dilemma “what does the normal libido man (who has been having sex 1 or 2 per week since age 20) do when his wife loses interest?” Please inform us.

We aren’t buying the theory “he rejects all outside opportunities, content to sort himself out in the shower forever”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I’ve said here a dozen times, most normal libido men in a low sex marriage consider it “open”. But there are DCUM women who will come and try to convince you otherwise “no, you really are not seeing numerous men online like that... because their VOWS”

I am a man and that’s just untrue.

Another man and I agree this is BS. Wish open marriage guy would get off DCUM and stop stinking up threads

Yours (and PPs) statement carries no weight without some credible answer to the dilemma “what does the normal libido man (who has been having sex 1 or 2 per week since age 20) do when his wife loses interest?” Please inform us.

We aren’t buying the theory “he rejects all outside opportunities, content to sort himself out in the shower forever”.

Except men of character and integrity are going just that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I’ve said here a dozen times, most normal libido men in a low sex marriage consider it “open”. But there are DCUM women who will come and try to convince you otherwise “no, you really are not seeing numerous men online like that... because their VOWS”

I am a man and that’s just untrue.

Another man and I agree this is BS. Wish open marriage guy would get off DCUM and stop stinking up threads

Yours (and PPs) statement carries no weight without some credible answer to the dilemma “what does the normal libido man (who has been having sex 1 or 2 per week since age 20) do when his wife loses interest?” Please inform us.

We aren’t buying the theory “he rejects all outside opportunities, content to sort himself out in the shower forever”.

Except men of character and integrity are going just that.

Omg has never been married and he's probably a virgin since he never answers the question.

Hardly the person to take sex or marriage advice from

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I’ve said here a dozen times, most normal libido men in a low sex marriage consider it “open”. But there are DCUM women who will come and try to convince you otherwise “no, you really are not seeing numerous men online like that... because their VOWS”

I am a man and that’s just untrue.

Another man and I agree this is BS. Wish open marriage guy would get off DCUM and stop stinking up threads

Yours (and PPs) statement carries no weight without some credible answer to the dilemma “what does the normal libido man (who has been having sex 1 or 2 per week since age 20) do when his wife loses interest?” Please inform us.

We aren’t buying the theory “he rejects all outside opportunities, content to sort himself out in the shower forever”.

Except men of character and integrity are going just that.

So you are sticking to the “perpetual long shower” theory and now portray this teenage boy behavior as a badge of integrity in men? The loser unattractive husband who can’t interest his own wife is suddenly a hero to be admired? Not a winning story.

I am sticking to my story. After a few months or years of living as mostly sexless room mates, the relationship is no longer romantic marriage (because a husband and wife sleep together) instead it’s platonic companions who live together. And this eliminates the “character and integrity” argument because there is no fidelity between room mates. The first (or second.... maybe the third) opportunity that presents herself, his normal male hormones take over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I’ve said here a dozen times, most normal libido men in a low sex marriage consider it “open”. But there are DCUM women who will come and try to convince you otherwise “no, you really are not seeing numerous men online like that... because their VOWS”

I am a man and that’s just untrue.

Another man and I agree this is BS. Wish open marriage guy would get off DCUM and stop stinking up threads

Yours (and PPs) statement carries no weight without some credible answer to the dilemma “what does the normal libido man (who has been having sex 1 or 2 per week since age 20) do when his wife loses interest?” Please inform us.

We aren’t buying the theory “he rejects all outside opportunities, content to sort himself out in the shower forever”.

Except men of character and integrity are going just that.

So you are sticking to the “perpetual long shower” theory and now portray this teenage boy behavior as a badge of integrity in men? The loser unattractive husband who can’t interest his own wife is suddenly a hero to be admired? Not a winning story.

I am sticking to my story. After a few months or years of living as mostly sexless room mates, the relationship is no longer romantic marriage (because a husband and wife sleep together) instead it’s platonic companions who live together. And this eliminates the “character and integrity” argument because there is no fidelity between room mates. The first (or second.... maybe the third) opportunity that presents herself, his normal male hormones take over.

Ok virgin

[Anonymous]

Bumble is full of married men. If i could screenshot the profile and post them here, i would.