For Better, or Worse: "Open" marriage with a medical ill spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I’ve said here a dozen times, most normal libido men in a low sex marriage consider it “open”. But there are DCUM women who will come and try to convince you otherwise “no, you really are not seeing numerous men online like that... because their VOWS”

I am a man and that’s just untrue.

Another man and I agree this is BS. Wish open marriage guy would get off DCUM and stop stinking up threads

Yours (and PPs) statement carries no weight without some credible answer to the dilemma “what does the normal libido man (who has been having sex 1 or 2 per week since age 20) do when his wife loses interest?” Please inform us.

We aren’t buying the theory “he rejects all outside opportunities, content to sort himself out in the shower forever”.

Except men of character and integrity are going just that.

Omg has never been married and he's probably a virgin since he never answers the question.

Hardly the person to take sex or marriage advice from

But he is absolutely, positively certain he has logicked his way to a thorough understanding of how adults act in longterm relationships. It does NOT matter what your own experience may be, even if you are another guy -- he will tell you (with the royal "we") what is and is not acceptable to him, and you have to behave accordingly.

It's the most sticky case of insecure+ hubris I have ever seen.

[Anonymous]

Also, you really, really have to hear this, over and over. And over and over, unceasingly.

Like a mosquito whine that you never find, but even. better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
But he is absolutely, positively certain he has logicked his way to a thorough understanding of how adults act in longterm relationships. It does NOT matter what your own experience may be, even if you are another guy -- he will tell you (with the royal "we") what is and is not acceptable to him, and you have to behave accordingly.

It's the most sticky case of insecure+ hubris I have ever seen.

So you are a normal libido male in a low sex marriage and you are now mostly celibate, instead of sex you take long showers? Is that your own experience? And you’ve got other guy friends who confide they too have a low sex marriage but “the vows” keeps them turning down opportunities?

If not, tell me what “experience” you bring to this discussion. By the way, my post generally don’t tell anybody how to behave. The only advice I provide is to be honest about opening the marriage. I’m shocked how many people detest this honest advice, preferring the dishonest DADT that is now mainstream in these low sex marriages.

[Anonymous]

My husband is chronically ill with both depression and afew different physical ailments. I think the physical ailments are made worse by his depressed person's lifestyle. He's generally very low energy and hasn't held a full time job in over five years.

He parents well emotionally, though he doesn't do much around the house and I'm still primary caregiver even though I work two jobs.

We all have health insurance through my main job.

If we split we'd have to sell the house and he would live on his share of the equity. It would be hard to find somewhere to live for what I pay now, and my kids would lose their home.

I don't have a hall pass. My husband has become very touchy about everything. It's taken years to learn to tip toe around his feelings of self loathing so he doesn't feel stung comparing himself to my relatively normal life.

But I was losing my mind without sex and companionship; my husband is still an emotionally engaged father but he has nothing to talk about, no passions, he doesn't even volunteer.

So I have a relationship that includes sex and interaction with a peer - someone else who knows the pressures of working, being a bread winner, having people depending on you. And whose spouse gave up sex after menopause.

It's not my dream; I married my husband because I loved him and wanted a partner. He's not one, but his issues can't take away my home or my kids half the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My uncle was married to a woman with severe dementia who was bed ridden for about 15 years (I mean she was ill for 15 years). He wasn't on dating websites, but he did find a life companion who he spent his time with. She eventually moved in and lived with him and his wife for her last 5 years. Once his wife died, my uncle and his girlfriend got married. It was sad all around but no one blamed him. He missed some of the best years due to his wife's illness (he's too old for kids now), but he cared for his wife for her entire life. My uncle's new wife is a very kind woman too. Just a bad situation.

So basically he took advantage of a poor sick spouse, a form of elder abuse imo. Even moving the horrible woman into to their home. Well he's a special kind of peach.

What?! I think you read this wrong. He put his life on hold to care for his spouse. She was pretty much a vegetable most of this but he kept her at home. You expected him to not even have a girlfriend? If his wife hadn’t been so ill he would have been with her only I’m sure.

She wasn’t elderly btw and doctors encouraged him to divorce so that the spouse wouldn’t deplete all of his savings caring for her.

Yes, per his marital vows.

.

t.,

Pp here. It was lonely and I think he just craved friendship most of all. I couldn’t imagine caring for someone who couldn’t give that back to me without an incredible support system. My family is extremely conservative and they all were okay with it. You’d be hard pressed to judge. I truly think him and his new wife love each other.

There was an article on the post recently about the “black Martha Stewart” whose husband had his new partner move in with them after her dementia. It seems very mature eand difficul

B Smith. Way classier than Martha could ever be, btw. And for a while I was somewhat understanding of what her husband was doing. Except that he's making the rounds in the media and on social media and shoving it in people's faces. Getting loud and defensive about it. Do what you gotta do, man- I haven't walked in your shoes and have no right to judge. But give your wife the respect she deserves, and use some discretion, and don't be a d!ck about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But he is absolutely, positively certain he has logicked his way to a thorough understanding of how adults act in longterm relationships. It does NOT matter what your own experience may be, even if you are another guy -- he will tell you (with the royal "we") what is and is not acceptable to him, and you have to behave accordingly.

It's the most sticky case of insecure+ hubris I have ever seen.

So you are a normal libido male in a low sex marriage and you are now mostly celibate, instead of sex you take long showers? Is that your own experience? And you’ve got other guy friends who confide they too have a low sex marriage but “the vows” keeps them turning down opportunities?

If not, tell me what “experience” you bring to this discussion. By the way, my post generally don’t tell anybody how to behave. The only advice I provide is to be honest about opening the marriage. I’m shocked how many people detest this honest advice, preferring the dishonest DADT that is now mainstream in these low sex marriages.

I am not telling people the personal experiences they relate, both men and women who have actually experienced sex and marriage, are invalid. You are, even though you have no such experience.

I'm just pointing out what you are doing. It's silly and weak of you.

[Anonymous]

PS: I'm not saying people aren't having sex outside their marriage vows, with our without permission of their partners. I think it happens pretty frequently. I also think people don't do that fairly frequent.

I'm not the one being dogmatic about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is chronically ill with both depression and afew different physical ailments. I think the physical ailments are made worse by his depressed person's lifestyle. He's generally very low energy and hasn't held a full time job in over five years.

He parents well emotionally, though he doesn't do much around the house and I'm still primary caregiver even though I work two jobs.

We all have health insurance through my main job.

If we split we'd have to sell the house and he would live on his share of the equity. It would be hard to find somewhere to live for what I pay now, and my kids would lose their home.

I don't have a hall pass. My husband has become very touchy about everything. It's taken years to learn to tip toe around his feelings of self loathing so he doesn't feel stung comparing himself to my relatively normal life.

But I was losing my mind without sex and companionship; my husband is still an emotionally engaged father but he has nothing to talk about, no passions, he doesn't even volunteer.

So I have a relationship that includes sex and interaction with a peer - someone else who knows the pressures of working, being a bread winner, having people depending on you. And whose spouse gave up sex after menopause.

It's not my dream; I married my husband because I loved him and wanted a partner. He's not one, but his issues can't take away my home or my kids half the time.

Hope that doesn’t blow up in your face. Or your kids’ faces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is chronically ill with both depression and afew different physical ailments. I think the physical ailments are made worse by his depressed person's lifestyle. He's generally very low energy and hasn't held a full time job in over five years.

He parents well emotionally, though he doesn't do much around the house and I'm still primary caregiver even though I work two jobs.

We all have health insurance through my main job.

If we split we'd have to sell the house and he would live on his share of the equity. It would be hard to find somewhere to live for what I pay now, and my kids would lose their home.

I don't have a hall pass. My husband has become very touchy about everything. It's taken years to learn to tip toe around his feelings of self loathing so he doesn't feel stung comparing himself to my relatively normal life.

But I was losing my mind without sex and companionship; my husband is still an emotionally engaged father but he has nothing to talk about, no passions, he doesn't even volunteer.

So I have a relationship that includes sex and interaction with a peer - someone else who knows the pressures of working, being a bread winner, having people depending on you. And whose spouse gave up sex after menopause.

It's not my dream; I married my husband because I loved him and wanted a partner. He's not one, but his issues can't take away my home or my kids half the time.

This situation is probably more common than we care to admit. The other spouse doesn’t even have to be depressed or physically ill. Sometimes people just lose that spark. Or, actually, they never really had it to begin with and it becomes more apparent after years of marriage. The difficulty is admitting it to each other without blowing up your lives or your kids’ lives. Or maybe for some like PP the cleanest answer would be giving someone permission to date someone else for the sake of saving the household and family unit. Lots of divorces don’t have to end with animosity but oh they do. But sometimes “he (or she) is just not that into you” is the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is chronically ill with both depression and afew different physical ailments. I think the physical ailments are made worse by his depressed person's lifestyle. He's generally very low energy and hasn't held a full time job in over five years.

He parents well emotionally, though he doesn't do much around the house and I'm still primary caregiver even though I work two jobs.

We all have health insurance through my main job.

If we split we'd have to sell the house and he would live on his share of the equity. It would be hard to find somewhere to live for what I pay now, and my kids would lose their home.

I don't have a hall pass. My husband has become very touchy about everything. It's taken years to learn to tip toe around his feelings of self loathing so he doesn't feel stung comparing himself to my relatively normal life.

But I was losing my mind without sex and companionship; my husband is still an emotionally engaged father but he has nothing to talk about, no passions, he doesn't even volunteer.

So I have a relationship that includes sex and interaction with a peer - someone else who knows the pressures of working, being a bread winner, having people depending on you. And whose spouse gave up sex after menopause.

It's not my dream; I married my husband because I loved him and wanted a partner. He's not one, but his issues can't take away my home or my kids half the time.

This situation is probably more common than we care to admit. The other spouse doesn’t even have to be depressed or physically ill. Sometimes people just lose that spark. Or, actually, they never really had it to begin with and it becomes more apparent after years of marriage. The difficulty is admitting it to each other without blowing up your lives or your kids’ lives. Or maybe for some like PP the cleanest answer would be giving someone permission to date someone else for the sake of saving the household and family unit. Lots of divorces don’t have to end with animosity but oh they do. But sometimes “he (or she) is just not that into you” is the truth.

Sure it's common, but divorce is always an option. That's what I'm chosing to do. I could easily have an affair but I am an honest person, and not deluded enough to think it could never be discovered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is chronically ill with both depression and afew different physical ailments. I think the physical ailments are made worse by his depressed person's lifestyle. He's generally very low energy and hasn't held a full time job in over five years.

He parents well emotionally, though he doesn't do much around the house and I'm still primary caregiver even though I work two jobs.

We all have health insurance through my main job.

If we split we'd have to sell the house and he would live on his share of the equity. It would be hard to find somewhere to live for what I pay now, and my kids would lose their home.

I don't have a hall pass. My husband has become very touchy about everything. It's taken years to learn to tip toe around his feelings of self loathing so he doesn't feel stung comparing himself to my relatively normal life.

But I was losing my mind without sex and companionship; my husband is still an emotionally engaged father but he has nothing to talk about, no passions, he doesn't even volunteer.

So I have a relationship that includes sex and interaction with a peer - someone else who knows the pressures of working, being a bread winner, having people depending on you. And whose spouse gave up sex after menopause.

It's not my dream; I married my husband because I loved him and wanted a partner. He's not one, but his issues can't take away my home or my kids half the time.

Good for you, PP for doing what's best for your family. Your situation is far more common than people realize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is chronically ill with both depression and afew different physical ailments. I think the physical ailments are made worse by his depressed person's lifestyle. He's generally very low energy and hasn't held a full time job in over five years.

He parents well emotionally, though he doesn't do much around the house and I'm still primary caregiver even though I work two jobs.

We all have health insurance through my main job.

If we split we'd have to sell the house and he would live on his share of the equity. It would be hard to find somewhere to live for what I pay now, and my kids would lose their home.

I don't have a hall pass. My husband has become very touchy about everything. It's taken years to learn to tip toe around his feelings of self loathing so he doesn't feel stung comparing himself to my relatively normal life.

But I was losing my mind without sex and companionship; my husband is still an emotionally engaged father but he has nothing to talk about, no passions, he doesn't even volunteer.

So I have a relationship that includes sex and interaction with a peer - someone else who knows the pressures of working, being a bread winner, having people depending on you. And whose spouse gave up sex after menopause.

It's not my dream; I married my husband because I loved him and wanted a partner. He's not one, but his issues can't take away my home or my kids half the time.

This situation is probably more common than we care to admit. The other spouse doesn’t even have to be depressed or physically ill. Sometimes people just lose that spark. Or, actually, they never really had it to begin with and it becomes more apparent after years of marriage. The difficulty is admitting it to each other without blowing up your lives or your kids’ lives. Or maybe for some like PP the cleanest answer would be giving someone permission to date someone else for the sake of saving the household and family unit. Lots of divorces don’t have to end with animosity but oh they do. But sometimes “he (or she) is just not that into you” is the truth.

Sure it's common, but divorce is always an option. That's what I'm chosing to do. I could easily have an affair but I am an honest person, and not deluded enough to think it could never be discovered.

It was more acceptable (mostly for men) ito have someone on the side when marriage was only about property, political ties and producing legitimate children, not love and total devotion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is chronically ill with both depression and afew different physical ailments. I think the physical ailments are made worse by his depressed person's lifestyle. He's generally very low energy and hasn't held a full time job in over five years.

He parents well emotionally, though he doesn't do much around the house and I'm still primary caregiver even though I work two jobs.

We all have health insurance through my main job.

If we split we'd have to sell the house and he would live on his share of the equity. It would be hard to find somewhere to live for what I pay now, and my kids would lose their home.

I don't have a hall pass. My husband has become very touchy about everything. It's taken years to learn to tip toe around his feelings of self loathing so he doesn't feel stung comparing himself to my relatively normal life.

But I was losing my mind without sex and companionship; my husband is still an emotionally engaged father but he has nothing to talk about, no passions, he doesn't even volunteer.

So I have a relationship that includes sex and interaction with a peer - someone else who knows the pressures of working, being a bread winner, having people depending on you. And whose spouse gave up sex after menopause.

It's not my dream; I married my husband because I loved him and wanted a partner. He's not one, but his issues can't take away my home or my kids half the time.

This situation is probably more common than we care to admit. The other spouse doesn’t even have to be depressed or physically ill. Sometimes people just lose that spark. Or, actually, they never really had it to begin with and it becomes more apparent after years of marriage. The difficulty is admitting it to each other without blowing up your lives or your kids’ lives. Or maybe for some like PP the cleanest answer would be giving someone permission to date someone else for the sake of saving the household and family unit. Lots of divorces don’t have to end with animosity but oh they do. But sometimes “he (or she) is just not that into you” is the truth.

Sure it's common, but divorce is always an option. That's what I'm chosing to do. I could easily have an affair but I am an honest person, and not deluded enough to think it could never be discovered.

It was more acceptable (mostly for men) ito have someone on the side when marriage was only about property, political ties and producing legitimate children, not love and total devotion.

Not uncoincidentally, back in those olden days, women didn't have any power to leave the marriage, so they pretty much had to put up with the philandering no matter the reason for it. I don't think it was ever acceptable; women just didn't have any power to do anything about it.

The hard case is if the spouse is truly disabled or unable to care for the kids on their own (yet would likely get shared custody). Otherwise, it sounds like this PP is just staying together in the bad marriage because she doesnt' want to lose her home equity. Which is not quite a sterling example of values.

Signed,
Soon to be Living in a 1 Bedroom Apartment Because I Value Honesty

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is chronically ill with both depression and afew different physical ailments. I think the physical ailments are made worse by his depressed person's lifestyle. He's generally very low energy and hasn't held a full time job in over five years.

He parents well emotionally, though he doesn't do much around the house and I'm still primary caregiver even though I work two jobs.

We all have health insurance through my main job.

If we split we'd have to sell the house and he would live on his share of the equity. It would be hard to find somewhere to live for what I pay now, and my kids would lose their home.

I don't have a hall pass. My husband has become very touchy about everything. It's taken years to learn to tip toe around his feelings of self loathing so he doesn't feel stung comparing himself to my relatively normal life.

But I was losing my mind without sex and companionship; my husband is still an emotionally engaged father but he has nothing to talk about, no passions, he doesn't even volunteer.

So I have a relationship that includes sex and interaction with a peer - someone else who knows the pressures of working, being a bread winner, having people depending on you. And whose spouse gave up sex after menopause.

It's not my dream; I married my husband because I loved him and wanted a partner. He's not one, but his issues can't take away my home or my kids half the time.

This situation is probably more common than we care to admit. The other spouse doesn’t even have to be depressed or physically ill. Sometimes people just lose that spark. Or, actually, they never really had it to begin with and it becomes more apparent after years of marriage. The difficulty is admitting it to each other without blowing up your lives or your kids’ lives. Or maybe for some like PP the cleanest answer would be giving someone permission to date someone else for the sake of saving the household and family unit. Lots of divorces don’t have to end with animosity but oh they do. But sometimes “he (or she) is just not that into you” is the truth.

Sure it's common, but divorce is always an option. That's what I'm chosing to do. I could easily have an affair but I am an honest person, and not deluded enough to think it could never be discovered.

It was more acceptable (mostly for men) ito have someone on the side when marriage was only about property, political ties and producing legitimate children, not love and total devotion.

Not uncoincidentally, back in those olden days, women didn't have any power to leave the marriage, so they pretty much had to put up with the philandering no matter the reason for it. I don't think it was ever acceptable; women just didn't have any power to do anything about it.

The hard case is if the spouse is truly disabled or unable to care for the kids on their own (yet would likely get shared custody). Otherwise, it sounds like this PP is just staying together in the bad marriage because she doesnt' want to lose her home equity. Which is not quite a sterling example of values.

Signed,
Soon to be Living in a 1 Bedroom Apartment Because I Value Honesty

PP here. I've been advised that shared custody is the overwhelmingly likely result.

But also, moving house to house or losing their father entirely is a terrible result for the kids. I'd be happy to live on a little place; not happy to upend their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is chronically ill with both depression and afew different physical ailments. I think the physical ailments are made worse by his depressed person's lifestyle. He's generally very low energy and hasn't held a full time job in over five years.

He parents well emotionally, though he doesn't do much around the house and I'm still primary caregiver even though I work two jobs.

We all have health insurance through my main job.

If we split we'd have to sell the house and he would live on his share of the equity. It would be hard to find somewhere to live for what I pay now, and my kids would lose their home.

I don't have a hall pass. My husband has become very touchy about everything. It's taken years to learn to tip toe around his feelings of self loathing so he doesn't feel stung comparing himself to my relatively normal life.

But I was losing my mind without sex and companionship; my husband is still an emotionally engaged father but he has nothing to talk about, no passions, he doesn't even volunteer.

So I have a relationship that includes sex and interaction with a peer - someone else who knows the pressures of working, being a bread winner, having people depending on you. And whose spouse gave up sex after menopause.

It's not my dream; I married my husband because I loved him and wanted a partner. He's not one, but his issues can't take away my home or my kids half the time.

This situation is probably more common than we care to admit. The other spouse doesn’t even have to be depressed or physically ill. Sometimes people just lose that spark. Or, actually, they never really had it to begin with and it becomes more apparent after years of marriage. The difficulty is admitting it to each other without blowing up your lives or your kids’ lives. Or maybe for some like PP the cleanest answer would be giving someone permission to date someone else for the sake of saving the household and family unit. Lots of divorces don’t have to end with animosity but oh they do. But sometimes “he (or she) is just not that into you” is the truth.

Sure it's common, but divorce is always an option. That's what I'm chosing to do. I could easily have an affair but I am an honest person, and not deluded enough to think it could never be discovered.

It was more acceptable (mostly for men) ito have someone on the side when marriage was only about property, political ties and producing legitimate children, not love and total devotion.

Not uncoincidentally, back in those olden days, women didn't have any power to leave the marriage, so they pretty much had to put up with the philandering no matter the reason for it. I don't think it was ever acceptable; women just didn't have any power to do anything about it.

The hard case is if the spouse is truly disabled or unable to care for the kids on their own (yet would likely get shared custody). Otherwise, it sounds like this PP is just staying together in the bad marriage because she doesnt' want to lose her home equity. Which is not quite a sterling example of values.

Signed,
Soon to be Living in a 1 Bedroom Apartment Because I Value Honesty

PP here. I've been advised that shared custody is the overwhelmingly likely result.

But also, moving house to house or losing their father entirely is a terrible result for the kids. I'd be happy to live on a little place; not happy to upend their lives.