For Better, or Worse: "Open" marriage with a medical ill spouse

[Anonymous]

Decades ago this was hardly a discussion. If a spouse was truly sick there was no chance to prove to yourself and spouse that you could stay faithful for months or years. This discussion is a product of modern tones because the sick spouse didn’t last long. Cancer circa, say, 1920 meant certain death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After running into numerous men online who claim to have "open marriages" due to their partner's being medical ill, I was wondering how serious do couples dissect the idea of an open marriage. Personally, I think that you should take the good with the bad when it comes to marriage or choose to divorce. Of course, that's my view as a single women being approached by men looking to supplement their marriages with sex from someone else. It's not my cup of tea, since I cannot reap the benefits of your marriage.

So, married DCUM, what are your views on open marriages?

If I happened to be seriously ill in a way that excludes sex, I'd be much more interested in my DH being there for the household, money and support than where he puts his penis when I'm not looking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After running into numerous men online who claim to have "open marriages" due to their partner's being medical ill, I was wondering how serious do couples dissect the idea of an open marriage. Personally, I think that you should take the good with the bad when it comes to marriage or choose to divorce. Of course, that's my view as a single women being approached by men looking to supplement their marriages with sex from someone else. It's not my cup of tea, since I cannot reap the benefits of your marriage.

So, married DCUM, what are your views on open marriages?

If I happened to be seriously ill in a way that excludes sex, I'd be much more interested in my DH being there for the household, money and support than where he puts his penis when I'm not looking.

If he's busy having sex with someone else, he isn't being there for the household, you and your family. Its not ok. Get divorced then. I don't get how someone can take marital vows and cheat, especially when they claim religion except that rules just don't apply to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After running into numerous men online who claim to have "open marriages" due to their partner's being medical ill, I was wondering how serious do couples dissect the idea of an open marriage. Personally, I think that you should take the good with the bad when it comes to marriage or choose to divorce. Of course, that's my view as a single women being approached by men looking to supplement their marriages with sex from someone else. It's not my cup of tea, since I cannot reap the benefits of your marriage.

So, married DCUM, what are your views on open marriages?

If I happened to be seriously ill in a way that excludes sex, I'd be much more interested in my DH being there for the household, money and support than where he puts his penis when I'm not looking.

If he's busy having sex with someone else, he isn't being there for the household, you and your family. Its not ok. Get divorced then. I don't get how someone can take marital vows and cheat, especially when they claim religion except that rules just don't apply to them.

There's 24 hrs in a day. There's time for everything if you plan. This thread really isn't about what you personally get or don't get. The world is full of people who are all different from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is justifiable if the spouse has dementia or is otherwise significantly cogntively impaired. Also perhaps justifiable if the spouse has a long-term physical inability like paralysis. But what seems unjustifiable is stepping out on an acutely or terminally ill spouse. In that case you're taking emotional energy away from them when they really need you in a crisis. This is also very gendered - research shows than husbands are more likely to divorce sick wives.

Idk in the cases I've seen, it breathes new life into the spouse (I agree, it's always a man) and they are better able to care for the vegetative or ill spouse. Posters here are making it seem like it's about sex, but it's more about companionship that I've seen. Caring for a vegetative spouse for decades is hard and you really can't judge until you've been there.

I also think that it's normally men that look for this arrangement because women have better support systems of friends and family that they can lean on. Men often don't turn to friends and family and miss the friendship part of a marriage.

There's a big difference between "vegetative" and "ill." If the spouse is cognitively incapacitated for decades, then it's less problematic, I agree. But if they are say, horribly ill and undergoing brutal chemo, surgery and radiation ... then it seems really hard to justify spending the time and energy on a different relationship, one that could be discovered and devastate the ill spouse. Basically having an affair when your spouse needs you the most because you "need" sex? Is pretty gross and bad.

+1.

Explain why a healthy normal libido having outside sex precludes him/her from also fully meeting the needs of an ailing spouse. This arrangement keeps the marriage together when the only other option is divorce. Win-win.

If I have to explain to you why you shouldn't cheat on your spouse who is dying of cancer, I don't know what to tell you.

People can die of cancer for a good long while, 5+ years or more. Caring for a terminally ill spouse is very trying, and I personally wouldn't begrudge my DH a few moments of sweet relief in between caring for me and the family if I was sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is justifiable if the spouse has dementia or is otherwise significantly cogntively impaired. Also perhaps justifiable if the spouse has a long-term physical inability like paralysis. But what seems unjustifiable is stepping out on an acutely or terminally ill spouse. In that case you're taking emotional energy away from them when they really need you in a crisis. This is also very gendered - research shows than husbands are more likely to divorce sick wives.

Idk in the cases I've seen, it breathes new life into the spouse (I agree, it's always a man) and they are better able to care for the vegetative or ill spouse. Posters here are making it seem like it's about sex, but it's more about companionship that I've seen. Caring for a vegetative spouse for decades is hard and you really can't judge until you've been there.

I also think that it's normally men that look for this arrangement because women have better support systems of friends and family that they can lean on. Men often don't turn to friends and family and miss the friendship part of a marriage.

There's a big difference between "vegetative" and "ill." If the spouse is cognitively incapacitated for decades, then it's less problematic, I agree. But if they are say, horribly ill and undergoing brutal chemo, surgery and radiation ... then it seems really hard to justify spending the time and energy on a different relationship, one that could be discovered and devastate the ill spouse. Basically having an affair when your spouse needs you the most because you "need" sex? Is pretty gross and bad.

+1.

Explain why a healthy normal libido having outside sex precludes him/her from also fully meeting the needs of an ailing spouse. This arrangement keeps the marriage together when the only other option is divorce. Win-win.

If I have to explain to you why you shouldn't cheat on your spouse who is dying of cancer, I don't know what to tell you.

People can die of cancer for a good long while, 5+ years or more. Caring for a terminally ill spouse is very trying, and I personally wouldn't begrudge my DH a few moments of sweet relief in between caring for me and the family if I was sick.

How about him falling in love with his AP and leaving you? Getting her pregnant? Or just getting so emotionally attached he can't support you emotionally?

I think people are being pretty naive here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After running into numerous men online who claim to have "open marriages" due to their partner's being medical ill, I was wondering how serious do couples dissect the idea of an open marriage. Personally, I think that you should take the good with the bad when it comes to marriage or choose to divorce. Of course, that's my view as a single women being approached by men looking to supplement their marriages with sex from someone else. It's not my cup of tea, since I cannot reap the benefits of your marriage.

So, married DCUM, what are your views on open marriages?

If I happened to be seriously ill in a way that excludes sex, I'd be much more interested in my DH being there for the household, money and support than where he puts his penis when I'm not looking.

If he's busy having sex with someone else, he isn't being there for the household, you and your family. Its not ok. Get divorced then. I don't get how someone can take marital vows and cheat, especially when they claim religion except that rules just don't apply to them.

There's 24 hrs in a day. There's time for everything if you plan. This thread really isn't about what you personally get or don't get. The world is full of people who are all different from you.

"Sorry dear, you'll have to move your chemo appointment - I'm juggling work, our kids, and a date tomorrow, and there just isn't time."

So romantic!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
How about him falling in love with his AP and leaving you? Getting her pregnant? Or just getting so emotionally attached he can't support you emotionally?

I think people are being pretty naive here.

Boy the way you make such a really big deal over just some sex, you would almost think that maybe sex is pretty darned important to a marriage! But we know better, all the sexless marriage threads have made it pretty clear that sex is entirely optional, it’s so unimportant that a couple can go many weeks or months without sex and it has no negative effects on the relationship.

Wait now I’m all confused! What?

[Anonymous]

Man here, if I had a medical condition that prevented me from giving any sexual touch or pleasure to my wife I would give her a hall pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is justifiable if the spouse has dementia or is otherwise significantly cogntively impaired. Also perhaps justifiable if the spouse has a long-term physical inability like paralysis. But what seems unjustifiable is stepping out on an acutely or terminally ill spouse. In that case you're taking emotional energy away from them when they really need you in a crisis. This is also very gendered - research shows than husbands are more likely to divorce sick wives.

Idk in the cases I've seen, it breathes new life into the spouse (I agree, it's always a man) and they are better able to care for the vegetative or ill spouse. Posters here are making it seem like it's about sex, but it's more about companionship that I've seen. Caring for a vegetative spouse for decades is hard and you really can't judge until you've been there.

I also think that it's normally men that look for this arrangement because women have better support systems of friends and family that they can lean on. Men often don't turn to friends and family and miss the friendship part of a marriage.

There's a big difference between "vegetative" and "ill." If the spouse is cognitively incapacitated for decades, then it's less problematic, I agree. But if they are say, horribly ill and undergoing brutal chemo, surgery and radiation ... then it seems really hard to justify spending the time and energy on a different relationship, one that could be discovered and devastate the ill spouse. Basically having an affair when your spouse needs you the most because you "need" sex? Is pretty gross and bad.

+1.

Explain why a healthy normal libido having outside sex precludes him/her from also fully meeting the needs of an ailing spouse. This arrangement keeps the marriage together when the only other option is divorce. Win-win.

If I have to explain to you why you shouldn't cheat on your spouse who is dying of cancer, I don't know what to tell you.

People can die of cancer for a good long while, 5+ years or more. Caring for a terminally ill spouse is very trying, and I personally wouldn't begrudge my DH a few moments of sweet relief in between caring for me and the family if I was sick.

How about him falling in love with his AP and leaving you? Getting her pregnant? Or just getting so emotionally attached he can't support you emotionally?

I think people are being pretty naive here.

I told you how I feel. I am not sure why you are so invested into arguing. Not everyone is like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this arrangement with my spouse. I won't go into her medical condition but sex was not going to happen again. She was the one who sat me down and insisted on it after giving it a lot of thought on her own It wasn't something I asked for. It worked out much better than I imagined but it takes the right kind of person to make it work.

I agree that men are a lot less likely to agree to suxh an arrangement where the H is I'll.

Ick.

And FU. You have no idea until you've been there. I wouldn't wish it on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is justifiable if the spouse has dementia or is otherwise significantly cogntively impaired. Also perhaps justifiable if the spouse has a long-term physical inability like paralysis. But what seems unjustifiable is stepping out on an acutely or terminally ill spouse. In that case you're taking emotional energy away from them when they really need you in a crisis. This is also very gendered - research shows than husbands are more likely to divorce sick wives.

Idk in the cases I've seen, it breathes new life into the spouse (I agree, it's always a man) and they are better able to care for the vegetative or ill spouse. Posters here are making it seem like it's about sex, but it's more about companionship that I've seen. Caring for a vegetative spouse for decades is hard and you really can't judge until you've been there.

I also think that it's normally men that look for this arrangement because women have better support systems of friends and family that they can lean on. Men often don't turn to friends and family and miss the friendship part of a marriage.

This was true in our case. She was not vegetative but sex was not ever going to happen again. I really was a positive thing for our marriage. She showed me how much she loved me and cared about my needs by insisting I find an AP and was able to impose a few simple rules to protect our marriage.

Was your affair partner married too? I hope so.

I had more than one over several years. Some were married, some not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is justifiable if the spouse has dementia or is otherwise significantly cogntively impaired. Also perhaps justifiable if the spouse has a long-term physical inability like paralysis. But what seems unjustifiable is stepping out on an acutely or terminally ill spouse. In that case you're taking emotional energy away from them when they really need you in a crisis. This is also very gendered - research shows than husbands are more likely to divorce sick wives.

Idk in the cases I've seen, it breathes new life into the spouse (I agree, it's always a man) and they are better able to care for the vegetative or ill spouse. Posters here are making it seem like it's about sex, but it's more about companionship that I've seen. Caring for a vegetative spouse for decades is hard and you really can't judge until you've been there.

I also think that it's normally men that look for this arrangement because women have better support systems of friends and family that they can lean on. Men often don't turn to friends and family and miss the friendship part of a marriage.

This was true in our case. She was not vegetative but sex was not ever going to happen again. I really was a positive thing for our marriage. She showed me how much she loved me and cared about my needs by insisting I find an AP and was able to impose a few simple rules to protect our marriage.

Was your affair partner married too? I hope so.

I had more than one over several years. Some were married, some not.

So, your marital vows mean nothing to you? If you are religious, then what is the point of pretending as you are breaking many rules?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman. I've thought about this. If either of us got so ill that we couldn't have sex anymore, like say if one was paralyzed, then I think there should be some leeway. You can't expect an adult to go without sex for the rest of their lives. The danger IMO here is that this would lead to an emotional attachment as well. It's a sad situation all around.

But, if the person's illness was only temporary, like they had cancer and was going through chemo, then absolutely not. I would say a couple of years of not being able to have sex is my cut off.

Seriously??? Cancer is not “temporary”!

Uh- except it is often

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My uncle was married to a woman with severe dementia who was bed ridden for about 15 years (I mean she was ill for 15 years). He wasn't on dating websites, but he did find a life companion who he spent his time with. She eventually moved in and lived with him and his wife for her last 5 years. Once his wife died, my uncle and his girlfriend got married. It was sad all around but no one blamed him. He missed some of the best years due to his wife's illness (he's too old for kids now), but he cared for his wife for her entire life. My uncle's new wife is a very kind woman too. Just a bad situation.

So basically he took advantage of a poor sick spouse, a form of elder abuse imo. Even moving the horrible woman into to their home. Well he's a special kind of peach.

What?! I think you read this wrong. He put his life on hold to care for his spouse. She was pretty much a vegetable most of this but he kept her at home. You expected him to not even have a girlfriend? If his wife hadn’t been so ill he would have been with her only I’m sure.

She wasn’t elderly btw and doctors encouraged him to divorce so that the spouse wouldn’t deplete all of his savings caring for her.

Yes, per his marital vows.

.

t.,

Pp here. It was lonely and I think he just craved friendship most of all. I couldn’t imagine caring for someone who couldn’t give that back to me without an incredible support system. My family is extremely conservative and they all were okay with it. You’d be hard pressed to judge. I truly think him and his new wife love each other.

There was an article on the post recently about the “black Martha Stewart” whose husband had his new partner move in with them after her dementia. It seems very mature eand difficul