12 year old hit nanny. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of a ADHD, borderline ASP 12 year old boy here. This behavior would definitely within the rhelm of possibly for my kid. I’d be really disappointed, but not shocked.

Not sure why everyone is suggesting that electronics be taken away. How is that at all related to what he did and how will it teach him anything about what to do when he’s feeling out of control???

The solution is going to be a combination of looking at how the nanny is handling him and what her role was in triggering him (maybe she should have just left him home to be cranky and cool down); having a calm discussion with him about what happened and what he thinks should be done; and possibly including the therapist or looking at meditation management. Unless he’s new to meds, he should should have some sense about how well its working.

Also suggest Ross Greene if you don’t know him.

Parents like these are why is is so hard to keep special education teachers. According to this parent it is all the nanny's fault she was hit because she must have triggered him. What crazy world is that the victim is to blame when she was trying to protect the younger sibling?

[Anonymous]

19:16 and 19:17, I’m so glad you called that poster out. It is completely inexcusable to defend this child’s actions and blame the nanny. If OP still has a nanny, she’s lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of a ADHD, borderline ASP 12 year old boy here. This behavior would definitely within the rhelm of possibly for my kid. I’d be really disappointed, but not shocked.

Not sure why everyone is suggesting that electronics be taken away. How is that at all related to what he did and how will it teach him anything about what to do when he’s feeling out of control???

The solution is going to be a combination of looking at how the nanny is handling him and what her role was in triggering him (maybe she should have just left him home to be cranky and cool down); having a calm discussion with him about what happened and what he thinks should be done; and possibly including the therapist or looking at meditation management. Unless he’s new to meds, he should should have some sense about how well its working.

Also suggest Ross Greene if you don’t know him.

I agree with you. My son, age 12, also with a mood disorder, hit me on multiple occasions. My first reaction, of course, was to double down on the punishment but that just made him more and more uncontrollable. With the help of a good family therapist we were able to take steps like above and improve our relationship, with the understanding that violence is never an acceptable response. (Therapy also brought to light that DS needed more attention from his father.) I can happily report that at age 20, he is a high functioning college student, a good employee, and a kind boyfriend and friend. This doesn't need to end badly --at age 12, I could only imagine a bad future. Call in the professionals, you cannot figure out all of this on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:19:16 and 19:17, I’m so glad you called that poster out. It is completely inexcusable to defend this child’s actions and blame the nanny. If OP still has a nanny, she’s lucky.

OP's job is to help her kid. Not to be law enforcement, punish her child, or vindicate other people. Generally harsh punishment is not the medically recommended way to deal with aggressive behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny was trying to fill kids days with activities. 12 year old chose the first and younger sibling chose the second. 12 year old not happy with the second activity had an attitude all day and proceeded to ignore babysitter and her requests, be rude and disrespectful. 12 year old also tripped and shoved younger sibling. After being reprimanded and told by the nanny that electronics would be banned for the week, 12 year old slaps nanny in the face. Nanny says do not do that. 12 year old slaps her again. Worth to mention that 12 year old is on the very functional end of the autism spectrum, has ADHD and anxiety/depression (is being treated for all the above).

Please don’t be rude with your answers, I’d rather you not answer at all if that’s where you’re going to take it. This is a delicate situation and I just want to get some different perspectives and see how other people would (or think they would) react.

You should train your youngest to self-defend. That was your first mistake.

Signed,

Sister of a brother who has autism and started respecting me once I let him know I wouldn’t take his crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of a ADHD, borderline ASP 12 year old boy here. This behavior would definitely within the rhelm of possibly for my kid. I’d be really disappointed, but not shocked.

Not sure why everyone is suggesting that electronics be taken away. How is that at all related to what he did and how will it teach him anything about what to do when he’s feeling out of control???

The solution is going to be a combination of looking at how the nanny is handling him and what her role was in triggering him (maybe she should have just left him home to be cranky and cool down); having a calm discussion with him about what happened and what he thinks should be done; and possibly including the therapist or looking at meditation management. Unless he’s new to meds, he should should have some sense about how well its working.

Also suggest Ross Greene if you don’t know him.

Some consequences are punitive rather than corrective in nature. Physical violence, in my opinion, warrants both a punitive and a corrective response. The taking away of things that DC likes is in the PUNITIVE category and is not designed to "teach" him/her about what to do when he/she is feeling out of control. It is designed to "teach" him/her that unwise choices result in unpleasant consequences, such as loss of privileges. You can also add to that lessons on what to do when you are feeling out of control. But that would be IN ADDITION to the punitive consequence. Just my two cents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should cross post this on the s/n board. Striking a nanny or babysitter is OTT for a tween/teen (even with ADHD - my tween & teen both have that) but being on the spectrum makes it different.


My gut reaction is that the relationship is not salvageable and I would look for another nanny. Some teachers/nannies/caregivers/grandparents etc have a hard time with middle school aged kids with s/n. It is a difficult age and the nanny may be great but the fit is not good between your 12 yr old and her.

Maybe, but the child will likely have problems with future caregivers as well. So even if you do change nannies, OP, make sure to discipline child and tell child it was physical assault, with potential serious consequences. We all make mistakes but slapping an adult is something quite serious. Also, alongside discipline, bring child closer to you and ask her what she needs. I do worry about children who exhibit depression/anger.

Yes, I didn't spell it out I suppose. This is not the nanny's fault but it sounds like she is not equipped or trained to deal with a tween/teen with ASD and aggression. Most likely OP should either find a nanny with a lot of s/n training or do after care at school for her kids and skip the nanny, or flex her and dh's schedules to get through the tween and teen years. Keeping status quo is just asking for more problems, and as many posters pointed out, her child could have been arrested. This is very serious but I think finding new child care is important. The nanny is not at fault, it isn't safe to have someone who isn't trained in diffusing aggressive SN kids/ handling aggressive SN teens.

[Anonymous]

op do you have workman's comp insurance for your nanny?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:19:16 and 19:17, I’m so glad you called that poster out. It is completely inexcusable to defend this child’s actions and blame the nanny. If OP still has a nanny, she’s lucky.

OP's job is to help her kid. Not to be law enforcement, punish her child, or vindicate other people. Generally harsh punishment is not the medically recommended way to deal with aggressive behavior.

yep that is how you end up with serial killers and psychopaths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:19:16 and 19:17, I’m so glad you called that poster out. It is completely inexcusable to defend this child’s actions and blame the nanny. If OP still has a nanny, she’s lucky.

OP's job is to help her kid. Not to be law enforcement, punish her child, or vindicate other people. Generally harsh punishment is not the medically recommended way to deal with aggressive behavior.

yep that is how you end up with serial killers and psychopaths.

No, actually reflexive harsh punishment is how you end up with violent adults.

Punishment has its place and so does protecting other kids and adults ... but as the actually knowledgable PPs have posted, punishment has to be properly calibrated and is part of a broader approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of a ADHD, borderline ASP 12 year old boy here. This behavior would definitely within the rhelm of possibly for my kid. I’d be really disappointed, but not shocked.

Not sure why everyone is suggesting that electronics be taken away. How is that at all related to what he did and how will it teach him anything about what to do when he’s feeling out of control???

The solution is going to be a combination of looking at how the nanny is handling him and what her role was in triggering him (maybe she should have just left him home to be cranky and cool down); having a calm discussion with him about what happened and what he thinks should be done; and possibly including the therapist or looking at meditation management. Unless he’s new to meds, he should should have some sense about how well its working.

Also suggest Ross Greene if you don’t know him.

I agree with you. My son, age 12, also with a mood disorder, hit me on multiple occasions. My first reaction, of course, was to double down on the punishment but that just made him more and more uncontrollable. With the help of a good family therapist we were able to take steps like above and improve our relationship, with the understanding that violence is never an acceptable response. (Therapy also brought to light that DS needed more attention from his father.) I can happily report that at age 20, he is a high functioning college student, a good employee, and a kind boyfriend and friend. This doesn't need to end badly --at age 12, I could only imagine a bad future. Call in the professionals, you cannot figure out all of this on your own.

Good advice here.
OP,
Call in *actual* professionals.
Not dcum “professionals” [eyeroll]

[Anonymous]

OP, you still have not answered a lot of important questions and I say this as a mom of a kidf with a similar profile, minus any aggression:

1.) Were you upfront with the nanny about the SN? Does she have experience with autism? Often you pay nannies trained to work with SN more. Is that the case? I aske because if she has the experience and is paid accordingly, then I would be surprised she didn't read signals help diffuse things.

2.) Has your child been aggressive before?

3.) Does your child have a therapist and psychiatrist? if not, get both STAT. If a kid is aggressive at that age, therapy is a must and meds likely too.

4.) The situation needs to be discussed with him when he is calm and sorted through. He/she needs strategies to calm down and to be able to problem solve how to handle the situation differently next time.

5.) You are your child owe the nanny profuse apologies. I would give her a bonus if she plans to stay and strategies and severance if she plans to leave.

[Anonymous]

I meant a reference and severance if she plans to leave.

[Anonymous]

Irrespective of the other advice (punishment, therapy, etc) next time no dragging the 12 year old around with the Nanny to do the younger child’s activity.
The younger kid goes with the Nanny and the 12 year old goes to some kind of camp activity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Irrespective of the other advice (punishment, therapy, etc) next time no dragging the 12 year old around with the Nanny to do the younger child’s activity.
The younger kid goes with the Nanny and the 12 year old goes to some kind of camp activity.

Yes. Sending both kids to camp (including a therepeutic/inclusive camp for the 12 year old) would likely not be that much more expensive than a nanny!