12 year old hit nanny. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Nanny was trying to fill kids days with activities. 12 year old chose the first and younger sibling chose the second. 12 year old not happy with the second activity had an attitude all day and proceeded to ignore babysitter and her requests, be rude and disrespectful. 12 year old also tripped and shoved younger sibling. After being reprimanded and told by the nanny that electronics would be banned for the week, 12 year old slaps nanny in the face. Nanny says do not do that. 12 year old slaps her again. Worth to mention that 12 year old is on the very functional end of the autism spectrum, has ADHD and anxiety/depression (is being treated for all the above).

Please don’t be rude with your answers, I’d rather you not answer at all if that’s where you’re going to take it. This is a delicate situation and I just want to get some different perspectives and see how other people would (or think they would) react.

[Anonymous]

I think at minimum apologize to the nanny

[Anonymous]

I would apologize profusely and make sure the 12 yr old appreciates the gravity of the situation with big and long term consequences. Even if you feel it’s inconvenient to you, ban electronics for the month. It also needs to be discussed and go over what happened, what she was thinking to help her process everything so she can see more clearly.

[Anonymous]

Your nanny can dole out consequences like deciding to take electronics away for a week (which is over the top by the way)?

Besides being bored, did anything trigger your kid? Not condoning it, just trying to see if he was set up for failure esp if you say he's SN.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry this happened, OP.

I'm actually very surprised that your nanny didn't call you up and quit on the spot. But assuming she did not, and that you have already expressed your sincere apologies for this behavior, I'm thinking you're asking for advice on how to handle addressing this with your child and not the nanny.

I think it's time for a serious chat with your borderline special needs 12-year-old kiddo about how fortunate she is that the nanny didn't call the police and report her for assault. (Maybe I'm making a huge leap to assume the child is a girl...but my thinking here would be that there is almost no way the nanny would *not* call the cops if it had been a boy that hit her...twice!)

And then there needs to be serious consequences. Whatever your child adores, that is what she no longer has access to...for at least two weeks. Ipad, phone, sports? TV...whatever it is that she loves dearly, that is the price she needs to pay for the physical outburst. DC needs to understand that this cannot and will not happen again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry this happened, OP.

I'm actually very surprised that your nanny didn't call you up and quit on the spot. But assuming she did not, and that you have already expressed your sincere apologies for this behavior, I'm thinking you're asking for advice on how to handle addressing this with your child and not the nanny.

I think it's time for a serious chat with your borderline special needs 12-year-old kiddo about how fortunate she is that the nanny didn't call the police and report her for assault. (Maybe I'm making a huge leap to assume the child is a girl...but my thinking here would be that there is almost no way the nanny would *not* call the cops if it had been a boy that hit her...twice!)

And then there needs to be serious consequences. Whatever your child adores, that is what she no longer has access to...for at least two weeks. Ipad, phone, sports? TV...whatever it is that she loves dearly, that is the price she needs to pay for the physical outburst. DC needs to understand that this cannot and will not happen again.

+1

I'm also surprised the nanny didn't quit right there.

Is your nanny very experienced with older special needs kids and went into this job knowing she was dealing with a potentially violent child who is big enough to be dangerous at age 12?

[Anonymous]

I think you should cross post this on the s/n board. Striking a nanny or babysitter is OTT for a tween/teen (even with ADHD - my tween & teen both have that) but being on the spectrum makes it different.


My gut reaction is that the relationship is not salvageable and I would look for another nanny. Some teachers/nannies/caregivers/grandparents etc have a hard time with middle school aged kids with s/n. It is a difficult age and the nanny may be great but the fit is not good between your 12 yr old and her.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to look for a new caregiver who is experienced with SN teens/tweens. This relationship is not salvageable.

[Anonymous]

This is your child. What do you think you should do? I would ground to room for a week, no electronics for two weeks and apology. I’d get the medications adjusted and amp up therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your nanny can dole out consequences like deciding to take electronics away for a week (which is over the top by the way)?

Besides being bored, did anything trigger your kid? Not condoning it, just trying to see if he was set up for failure esp if you say he's SN.

Why on Earth would you have a nanny unable to dole out consequences like taking electronics away? Makes no sense. Of course, I have no problem with the removal of electronics for a week in response to tripping and shoving a younger sibling so obviously we see differently on matters of discipline.

[Anonymous]

Apart from this incident, what is your 12yo’s relationship with nanny like? I agree, that there may need to be a change for someone who is better handling kids like this.

When your 12yo is calm, he/she needs to be part of the discussion in figuring out how to change this.

My boy has several of the conditions you’ve listed. At 12, he had outbursts - not hitting, but uncontrollable meltdowns when he felt things were out of his control. The important thing for him was not so much saying what he couldn’t do (a 12yo should already know that smacking anyone isn’t ok). This isn’t about knowing the difference between right and wrong, but rather finding what he *could* do. For mine, it meant identifying a ‘safe’ teacher he could go to, or ‘safe’ spaces where he could go if he needed to collect himself. No amount of punishment could fix it, but finding alternate avenues was exactly what mine needed.

For your child, you need to identify what emotion is out of whack and teach a healthier response. You said your child is being treated for mood disorders, and I presume this includes visits to a therapist. I’d speak to that therapist to see if they have some ideas for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to look for a new caregiver who is experienced with SN teens/tweens. This relationship is not salvageable.

You need to find someone who is trained to deal with these situations and kids like yours, not just an experienced regular nanny. Agree with the person who said that a 12 y/o is big enough to be a serious threat to an adult and the younger sibling.

Most experienced nannies are only experienced at handling non-special-needs kids that are younger.

[Anonymous]

I think you are going to have more problems with aggression. The nanny is a symptom and there’s no right answer because all options are negative. I would make that child throw electronics in the trash personally and not replace. Slapping the face is too much

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should cross post this on the s/n board. Striking a nanny or babysitter is OTT for a tween/teen (even with ADHD - my tween & teen both have that) but being on the spectrum makes it different.


My gut reaction is that the relationship is not salvageable and I would look for another nanny. Some teachers/nannies/caregivers/grandparents etc have a hard time with middle school aged kids with s/n. It is a difficult age and the nanny may be great but the fit is not good between your 12 yr old and her.

Maybe, but the child will likely have problems with future caregivers as well. So even if you do change nannies, OP, make sure to discipline child and tell child it was physical assault, with potential serious consequences. We all make mistakes but slapping an adult is something quite serious. Also, alongside discipline, bring child closer to you and ask her what she needs. I do worry about children who exhibit depression/anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should cross post this on the s/n board. Striking a nanny or babysitter is OTT for a tween/teen (even with ADHD - my tween & teen both have that) but being on the spectrum makes it different.


My gut reaction is that the relationship is not salvageable and I would look for another nanny. Some teachers/nannies/caregivers/grandparents etc have a hard time with middle school aged kids with s/n. It is a difficult age and the nanny may be great but the fit is not good between your 12 yr old and her.

Maybe, but the child will likely have problems with future caregivers as well. So even if you do change nannies, OP, make sure to discipline child and tell child it was physical assault, with potential serious consequences. We all make mistakes but slapping an adult is something quite serious. Also, alongside discipline, bring child closer to you and ask her what she needs. I do worry about children who exhibit depression/anger.

+1 Slapping in the face is crossing a line for a 12 year old and next time this happens to someone the cops may be involved.