12 year old hit nanny. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your nanny can dole out consequences like deciding to take electronics away for a week (which is over the top by the way)?

Besides being bored, did anything trigger your kid? Not condoning it, just trying to see if he was set up for failure esp if you say he's SN.

Say what?

[Anonymous]

I have to question why a 12 year old has enforced activities with a nanny all day long. I understand he has some special needs but he's old enough to shape his own activities. It doesn't in any way excuse his conduct, but is his frustration building up to a boiling point? Why is he with a nanny for an entire day? A twelve year old, even with special needs, has to have autonomy and independence.

His hitting this woman is inexcusable, but you need to examine the dynamic here. He's too old for this.

Special Needs Mom.

[Anonymous]

This is a serious criminal offense. In your shoes I would have a big reaction involving his medical team.

[Anonymous]

My son with a similar diagnosis has also turned violent. Same age. He’s in therapy for anger management now, on top of everything else. This should be in the special needs forum, honestly.

Slapping an adult, in the face, is over the top and completely unacceptable. I hope it’s a wake up call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny was trying to fill kids days with activities. 12 year old chose the first and younger sibling chose the second. 12 year old not happy with the second activity had an attitude all day and proceeded to ignore babysitter and her requests, be rude and disrespectful. 12 year old also tripped and shoved younger sibling. After being reprimanded and told by the nanny that electronics would be banned for the week, 12 year old slaps nanny in the face. Nanny says do not do that. 12 year old slaps her again. Worth to mention that 12 year old is on the very functional end of the autism spectrum, has ADHD and anxiety/depression (is being treated for all the above).

Please don’t be rude with your answers, I’d rather you not answer at all if that’s where you’re going to take it. This is a delicate situation and I just want to get some different perspectives and see how other people would (or think they would) react.

Yeah- I think your DS (assuming DS, maybe wrong) has the trifecta of issues right now- ASD, ADHD, anxiety/depression + hormonal changes that would cause a serious outburst. None of this is intended to criticize your nanny, but what did she do to diffuse this situation? I can usually see when my ADHD/anxiety kid is ramping up- when I'm on my game, I try to calm things down. It doesn't mean that I'm not planning to dole out consequences, but timing is everything.

When your DS tripped younger sibling after a day of bad attitude- that was a red flag that he was building up to an outburst. Taking a valuable privilege right at that moment, contributed to the aggression. (yes, electronics needed to go for the rest of the week- but bad timing)

Does this mean that I'm not in favor of consequences or that I don't sympathize with your nanny? Not at all-- but I agree that the relationship may not work out, and I think you need someone who understands how to prevent these occurrences. The problem with aggression--is that it begets more aggression. It needs to be stopped- both with a sensible consequences, a little fear (I've flat out told my DS that if he hits me after a certain age, I'm calling the cops- maybe I will, maybe I won't but he believes me), and a caregiver with specialized training.

Please don't take this that I don't believe your DS isn't accountable- but he has some "stuff" going on- so does my DS, and they are both twelve which is just magnifying things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nanny was trying to fill kids days with activities. 12 year old chose the first and younger sibling chose the second. 12 year old not happy with the second activity had an attitude all day and proceeded to ignore babysitter and her requests, be rude and disrespectful. 12 year old also tripped and shoved younger sibling. After being reprimanded and told by the nanny that electronics would be banned for the week, 12 year old slaps nanny in the face. Nanny says do not do that. 12 year old slaps her again. Worth to mention that 12 year old is on the very functional end of the autism spectrum, has ADHD and anxiety/depression (is being treated for all the above).

Please don’t be rude with your answers, I’d rather you not answer at all if that’s where you’re going to take it. This is a delicate situation and I just want to get some different perspectives and see how other people would (or think they would) react.

Yeah- I think your DS (assuming DS, maybe wrong) has the trifecta of issues right now- ASD, ADHD, anxiety/depression + hormonal changes that would cause a serious outburst. None of this is intended to criticize your nanny, but what did she do to diffuse this situation? I can usually see when my ADHD/anxiety kid is ramping up- when I'm on my game, I try to calm things down. It doesn't mean that I'm not planning to dole out consequences, but timing is everything.

When your DS tripped younger sibling after a day of bad attitude- that was a red flag that he was building up to an outburst. Taking a valuable privilege right at that moment, contributed to the aggression. (yes, electronics needed to go for the rest of the week- but bad timing)

Does this mean that I'm not in favor of consequences or that I don't sympathize with your nanny? Not at all-- but I agree that the relationship may not work out, and I think you need someone who understands how to prevent these occurrences. The problem with aggression--is that it begets more aggression. It needs to be stopped- both with a sensible consequences, a little fear (I've flat out told my DS that if he hits me after a certain age, I'm calling the cops- maybe I will, maybe I won't but he believes me), and a caregiver with specialized training.

Please don't take this that I don't believe your DS isn't accountable- but he has some "stuff" going on- so does my DS, and they are both twelve which is just magnifying things.

Sorry for the typos and sorry for seeming so critical of your nanny- being hit is awful. I just think this might be the wrong gig for her-- and that's okay. I do agree with the other pps that whatever happens, she deserves and apology and perhaps a wad of cash or gift certificate to the spa.

I do think, based on your description, that your DS seems both rigid and emotional--his ASD is going to cause metacognitive problems, so he was intensely focused on not getting his way w/o being able to calm himself- he probably needed some help or distraction with that. This aggressive outburst was probably simmering all day and should have been picked up on.

People will say you can't walk on eggshells, and I agree- scaffolding adaptive responses to disappointment for a child with ASD/ADHD and anxiety is not walking on eggshells- it's teaching them to learn to cope, but at a much slower pace than a typical tween.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your nanny can dole out consequences like deciding to take electronics away for a week (which is over the top by the way)?

Besides being bored, did anything trigger your kid? Not condoning it, just trying to see if he was set up for failure esp if you say he's SN.

WHAT?

The kid slapped the nanny in the FACE! He’s 12 not 2. Banning electronics for a week is a super mild punishment.

[Anonymous]

Surprised that so many want you to change nannies! This person has presumably been working with your children for some time (because she did not quit or call the police), doled out appropriate (IMO) consequences, etc. I would work with the medical team, and agree with a PP who said when your child is calm you need to explain how bad what they did actually was, and, more importantly, work on teaching an alternative way to deal with frustration. Work with the therapist, and give tools to the nanny for you, and her, to help your child when they are unable to handle their emotions. And, thank and be grateful to this person who still wants to work for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Surprised that so many want you to change nannies! This person has presumably been working with your children for some time (because she did not quit or call the police), doled out appropriate (IMO) consequences, etc. I would work with the medical team, and agree with a PP who said when your child is calm you need to explain how bad what they did actually was, and, more importantly, work on teaching an alternative way to deal with frustration. Work with the therapist, and give tools to the nanny for you, and her, to help your child when they are unable to handle their emotions. And, thank and be grateful to this person who still wants to work for you!

I responded earlier about possibly switching nannies- to me, it sounds like OP's DC needs someone with more experience. It did concern me that the situation had reached such a boiling point, then the nanny piled on right in that moment with the electronics loss (a huge deal to a twelve year old). Yes, he should be accountable, yes, he should lose the electronics, but I feel like a bit of prevention and this might not have happened. Now, I'm concerned that he's going to hit her again the next time he gets in trouble because he's crossed that line.

[Anonymous]

I assume she doesn't have another offer or it might be hard for her to get another job? Any other nanny would have quit. You need to take your kid to therapist, is your 12 year old already in therapy. There should be consequences, pretty big consequences and a talk about where did your child get the idea this was something to do.

[Anonymous]

So, what do all of you think nanny should have done after 12 year old tripped the sibling and obvious repeated reprimands from nanny prior to even that? All the behavioral issues justify that too? This is a serious situation and OP needs to take her child to therapy and have a professional opinion on how to handle so much aggression. OP, does your child have proper remorse for this action or not due to autism and other issues? If not, is he/she in behavioral therapy?

[Anonymous]

Did your child slap her hard, in a way that caused pain? Had your child ever done anything like this before? How is the nanny reacting to what happened?

[Anonymous]

In addition to the loss of electronics, he needs an active punishment.

Something like looking up and writing about the consequences of hitting people. At 12 he’s too big to be violent and if he gets triggered at the wrong time and place someone else could call the police even if your nanny/family doesn’t. He also needs to do something big to apologize to the nanny. He gets the electronics back only AFTER you decide he has sufficiently apologized and made up for this transgression. I don’t even know what this would be but it has to be time consuming and meaningful.

You also need to come up with an outlet for aggression and anger. Things like sports or individual exercise are good for boys.

You need to take this seriously because puberty is only going to make it worse. Plus it’s common for preteen to be fully aware of their physical size and how they’re perceived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, what do all of you think nanny should have done after 12 year old tripped the sibling and obvious repeated reprimands from nanny prior to even that? All the behavioral issues justify that too? This is a serious situation and OP needs to take her child to therapy and have a professional opinion on how to handle so much aggression. OP, does your child have proper remorse for this action or not due to autism and other issues? If not, is he/she in behavioral therapy?

The book, the Explosive Child, is helpful. Kids will do the right thing if they can. OP’s kid cannot, right now. Piling punishment on a kid prone to rage will bring the rage on. Not back it down. Reflexive communication is better. Be his frontal lobe for him and help him walk through the issues. Bring him in on the problem solving. Walking your ADHD kid through this consistently will help him build his own skills of deflecting range and inappropriate impulsive violent behavior.

I’m all for comsequences for normal situations. But a tendency toward violence/rage is different and the kid has to be handled differently. Of course, therapy is a must.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised that so many want you to change nannies! This person has presumably been working with your children for some time (because she did not quit or call the police), doled out appropriate (IMO) consequences, etc. I would work with the medical team, and agree with a PP who said when your child is calm you need to explain how bad what they did actually was, and, more importantly, work on teaching an alternative way to deal with frustration. Work with the therapist, and give tools to the nanny for you, and her, to help your child when they are unable to handle their emotions. And, thank and be grateful to this person who still wants to work for you!

I responded earlier about possibly switching nannies- to me, it sounds like OP's DC needs someone with more experience. It did concern me that the situation had reached such a boiling point, then the nanny piled on right in that moment with the electronics loss (a huge deal to a twelve year old). Yes, he should be accountable, yes, he should lose the electronics, but I feel like a bit of prevention and this might not have happened. Now, I'm concerned that he's going to hit her again the next time he gets in trouble because he's crossed that line.

I think the nanny threatened to take away electronics because OP's DC wasn't listening and she was trying to get him to comply. I don't view that as piling on. I guess the nanny should have let him or her just continue tripping and shoving his younger sibling. All the people placing this at the feet of the nanny are basically enabling the child's behavior. This is a twelve year old. And I hope those advocating switching nannies are also advocating that OP should give the nanny a decent severance package so she can support herself while she tries to find a new job.