12 year old hit nanny. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry this happened, OP.

I'm actually very surprised that your nanny didn't call you up and quit on the spot. But assuming she did not, and that you have already expressed your sincere apologies for this behavior, I'm thinking you're asking for advice on how to handle addressing this with your child and not the nanny.

I think it's time for a serious chat with your borderline special needs 12-year-old kiddo about how fortunate she is that the nanny didn't call the police and report her for assault. (Maybe I'm making a huge leap to assume the child is a girl...but my thinking here would be that there is almost no way the nanny would *not* call the cops if it had been a boy that hit her...twice!)

And then there needs to be serious consequences. Whatever your child adores, that is what she no longer has access to...for at least two weeks. Ipad, phone, sports? TV...whatever it is that she loves dearly, that is the price she needs to pay for the physical outburst. DC needs to understand that this cannot and will not happen again.

+1

I'm also surprised the nanny didn't quit right there.

Is your nanny very experienced with older special needs kids and went into this job knowing she was dealing with a potentially violent child who is big enough to be dangerous at age 12?

+2 In our household the 12 year old would be SOL for a long, long, looooooooong time. We DON'T use physical violence against other people. Ever. Professionally I work with children on the spectrum. While none of our children is on the spectrum I can tell you that if one of our children WAS and did what your 12 year old did, OP, that child would be experiencing some significant consequences. Immediately and quite significant. Physical violence is NOT acceptable.

[Anonymous]

So, I think you really need to decide/have evaluated if your child is SN or not. I say this because as another posted pointed out, this probably will happen again. I'm a teacher, and children that are SN and violent are generally not placed in mainstream classrooms. Managing a SN child that hits at 12 is different from managing a neurotypical child that hits at 12. If you've self-diagnosed that he might be on the spectrum, you really need to get an official diagnosis. I have seen instances where parents self-diagnose "my child is on the border of spectrum" to explain away problem behaviors when in fact the child is not and they don't want to actually discipline the neurotypical child. There can be no ambivalence. Either your child is SN or not. A neurotypical 12 year old child hitting an adult is very serious. In either case, you know your older child can be violent so you need to understand the situation exactly so you can proceed accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster.
Whatever you do, start immediately. This is your one huge wake-up call, OP., and you need to move now before the next time your child lashes out. Your kid hit an adult.. Twice.

Think in terms not just of consequences for that but also in terms of what is going to happen if your child hits another student or a teacher or other adult at school or in an activity.

That hit will not end like this incident. The nanny didn't (as far as you've told us) leave or involve cops. Next time there will be a school investigation or school discipline or suspension, or your child will be ejected from an activity, or parents will involve the police -- SN or no SN.

You haven returned to answer some PPs' questions about whether the physical aggression is new or a pattern you've seen before. Whichever it is, this incident may be your one shot to get DC more intensive intervention before it happens again. Next time the victim may not be nanny but someone who will get authorities involved, whether that's police or school or both, and once outside authorities are involved you lose any control over the outcome and could end up with a kid at home suspended and angry.

I would also consider counseling for your younger child; I would seriously wonder if that child feels safe, ever, in his or her own home, if the older child does things like trip him etc. Take care that the focus on your older child does not mean the younger sibling is feeling afraid and stressed but doesn't show it and you assume all is OK with younger sibling when it isn't.

This is an excellent post and covers many factors that haven't been covered by others. Not only does the situation with the older child need to be addressed but also the needs of the younger child and the nanny. I think you need to immediately involve the therapy team so that this can all be sorted out. Do you and the family participate in any type of family therapy, OP?

[Anonymous]

I have a SN son that is 13 --- I agree with serious repercussions that include written apologies and loss of screen time or whatever DC values for short time.

But, I don't think you will get far with 3 months of punishment -- that isn't going to help in most cases --- too long to be tied to the offense - especially for a kid who struggles.

You need, with the therapy team, to put in place a new positive reward system - every day that he behaves (no hitting, no whatever) he gets small reward or points to a small reward - -otherwise how to you show DC what is expected of DC and how to behave.

I get this is a serious offense --- but it's not a 16 year old that broke curfew - this is a kid who likely doesn't have a great sense of actions and reactions. That's what needs to be taught and smaller doses work better.

[Anonymous]

Mom of a ADHD, borderline ASP 12 year old boy here. This behavior would definitely within the rhelm of possibly for my kid. I’d be really disappointed, but not shocked.

Not sure why everyone is suggesting that electronics be taken away. How is that at all related to what he did and how will it teach him anything about what to do when he’s feeling out of control???

The solution is going to be a combination of looking at how the nanny is handling him and what her role was in triggering him (maybe she should have just left him home to be cranky and cool down); having a calm discussion with him about what happened and what he thinks should be done; and possibly including the therapist or looking at meditation management. Unless he’s new to meds, he should should have some sense about how well its working.

Also suggest Ross Greene if you don’t know him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life would be dramatically different. I wouldn’t use his SNs as a crutch. I have two children who are high functioning, but also on the spectrum and ADHD. One also has anxiety and depression. No way would I try to justify or excuse physical violence. I would talk to the nanny about what she wants. Offer two weeks of full pay and a perfect reference if she wants to quit. And my child would have a mattress, blankets, and clothing in his room. Maybe a book. And nothing else. No electronics. He would be in his room except for school and meals. I would allow him to gradually earn back his possessions and freedom.

My kids are older. We don’t play those games in our house. You hurt someone, life as you once knew it ends.

Preach it....

+1 If you don't nip this kind of thing in the bud what will happen when your 12 yr old gets bigger and stronger?

Yep. Remember the poster on DCUM who was afraid of her SN son who assaulted her and was thinking of taking a job in another state to avoid him?

[Anonymous]

It’s nice to see the sanity finally showing up in this thread. The first couple of pages when posters were more upset about the nanny taking away privileges versus the beat down she sustained from OPs DS had me seriously concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of a ADHD, borderline ASP 12 year old boy here. This behavior would definitely within the rhelm of possibly for my kid. I’d be really disappointed, but not shocked.

Not sure why everyone is suggesting that electronics be taken away. How is that at all related to what he did and how will it teach him anything about what to do when he’s feeling out of control???

The solution is going to be a combination of looking at how the nanny is handling him and what her role was in triggering him (maybe she should have just left him home to be cranky and cool down); having a calm discussion with him about what happened and what he thinks should be done; and possibly including the therapist or looking at meditation management. Unless he’s new to meds, he should should have some sense about how well its working.

Also suggest Ross Greene if you don’t know him.

So you advocate no punishment for the kid for slapping an adult across the face not once, but twice? And you want to discuss what the nanny's role was in triggering that?

You sound like a lousy parent, frankly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of a ADHD, borderline ASP 12 year old boy here. This behavior would definitely within the rhelm of possibly for my kid. I’d be really disappointed, but not shocked.

Not sure why everyone is suggesting that electronics be taken away. How is that at all related to what he did and how will it teach him anything about what to do when he’s feeling out of control???

The solution is going to be a combination of looking at how the nanny is handling him and what her role was in triggering him (maybe she should have just left him home to be cranky and cool down); having a calm discussion with him about what happened and what he thinks should be done; and possibly including the therapist or looking at meditation management. Unless he’s new to meds, he should should have some sense about how well its working.

Also suggest Ross Greene if you don’t know him.

Regardless of how the nanny behaved there is no excuse for a child to hit her. One would assume he has a nanny as he cannot stay home alone. You are blaming the wrong person and saying hey its not the child's fault. He should be treated with sensitivity but like any other child with consequences. What will happen when het gets a job and behaves that way. He has to survive in the real world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of a ADHD, borderline ASP 12 year old boy here. This behavior would definitely within the rhelm of possibly for my kid. I’d be really disappointed, but not shocked.

Not sure why everyone is suggesting that electronics be taken away. How is that at all related to what he did and how will it teach him anything about what to do when he’s feeling out of control???

The solution is going to be a combination of looking at how the nanny is handling him and what her role was in triggering him (maybe she should have just left him home to be cranky and cool down); having a calm discussion with him about what happened and what he thinks should be done; and possibly including the therapist or looking at meditation management. Unless he’s new to meds, he should should have some sense about how well its working.

Also suggest Ross Greene if you don’t know him.

So you advocate no punishment for the kid for slapping an adult across the face not once, but twice? And you want to discuss what the nanny's role was in triggering that?

You sound like a lousy parent, frankly.

+1

Sounds like someone who believes nothing is ever her kid's fault.

[Anonymous]

12 year old face slapping is definitely cause for concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of a ADHD, borderline ASP 12 year old boy here. This behavior would definitely within the rhelm of possibly for my kid. I’d be really disappointed, but not shocked.

Not sure why everyone is suggesting that electronics be taken away. How is that at all related to what he did and how will it teach him anything about what to do when he’s feeling out of control???

The solution is going to be a combination of looking at how the nanny is handling him and what her role was in triggering him (maybe she should have just left him home to be cranky and cool down); having a calm discussion with him about what happened and what he thinks should be done; and possibly including the therapist or looking at meditation management. Unless he’s new to meds, he should should have some sense about how well its working.

Also suggest Ross Greene if you don’t know him.

So you advocate no punishment for the kid for slapping an adult across the face not once, but twice? And you want to discuss what the nanny's role was in triggering that?

You sound like a lousy parent, frankly.

+1

Sounds like someone who believes nothing is ever her kid's fault.

+2. What is wrong with the adults on this forum?

He practically a teenager. He would be in jail or facing serious charges if he was an adult. It’s too bad your nanny can’t file charges, your little psychopath deserves it.

[Anonymous]

Nanny should file charges if parents are taking this lightly. If the kid can hit an adult she will be bullying other kids next.

[Anonymous]

Why does a 12 year old have a nanny?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of a ADHD, borderline ASP 12 year old boy here. This behavior would definitely within the rhelm of possibly for my kid. I’d be really disappointed, but not shocked.

Not sure why everyone is suggesting that electronics be taken away. How is that at all related to what he did and how will it teach him anything about what to do when he’s feeling out of control???

The solution is going to be a combination of looking at how the nanny is handling him and what her role was in triggering him (maybe she should have just left him home to be cranky and cool down); having a calm discussion with him about what happened and what he thinks should be done; and possibly including the therapist or looking at meditation management. Unless he’s new to meds, he should should have some sense about how well its working.

Also suggest Ross Greene if you don’t know him.

SN kids do not need to be coddled when they are in meltdown or violent. They don't need to be protected from triggers. They need to be enrolled in behavior programs that reward good behavior and discourage bad behavior. They need to be enrolled in cognitive therapy that teaches them how to manage their emotions in more appropriate ways. Seriously, the world isn't going to kiss your kid's ass for the rest of his or her life. You aren't doing the kid a favor by coddling him or her.

The removal of electronics is appropriate.