12 year old hit nanny. WWYD?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
That depends. SN camps are expensive and we don't know if this was a SN trained nanny or if this was a bargain situation. Regardless this child needs to be around professionals trained to deal with SN that can aggression so if OP isn't paying already it's time to spend more for people qualified to handle this all. |
Anonymous
|
12 year old hit nanny. WWYD? Forum Index » Tweens and Teens ? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 ? Author Message [Post New]01/03/2019 17:52 Subject: Re:12 year old hit nanny. WWYD? [Up] Anonymous Anonymous wrote: Anonymous wrote: I'm so sorry this happened, OP. I'm actually very surprised that your nanny didn't call you up and quit on the spot. But assuming she did not, and that you have already expressed your sincere apologies for this behavior, I'm thinking you're asking for advice on how to handle addressing this with your child and not the nanny. I think it's time for a serious chat with your borderline special needs 12-year-old kiddo about how fortunate she is that the nanny didn't call the police and report her for assault. (Maybe I'm making a huge leap to assume the child is a girl...but my thinking here would be that there is almost no way the nanny would *not* call the cops if it had been a boy that hit her...twice!) And then there needs to be serious consequences. Whatever your child adores, that is what she no longer has access to...for at least two weeks. Ipad, phone, sports? TV...whatever it is that she loves dearly, that is the price she needs to pay for the physical outburst. DC needs to understand that this cannot and will not happen again. +1 I'm also surprised the nanny didn't quit right there. Is your nanny very experienced with older special needs kids and went into this job knowing she was dealing with a potentially violent child who is big enough to be dangerous at age 12? +2 In our household the 12 year old would be SOL for a long, long, looooooooong time. We DON'T use physical violence against other people. Ever. Professionally I work with children on the spectrum. While none of our children is on the spectrum I can tell you that if one of our children WAS and did what your 12 year old did, OP, that child would be experiencing some significant consequences. Immediately and quite significant. Physical violence is NOT acceptable. [Report Post] [Post New]01/03/2019 17:54 Subject: 12 year old hit nanny. WWYD? [Up] Anonymous So, I think you really need to decide/have evaluated if your child is SN or not. I say this because as another posted pointed out, this probably will happen again. I'm a teacher, and children that are SN and violent are generally not placed in mainstream classrooms. Managing a SN child that hits at 12 is different from managing a neurotypical child that hits at 12. If you've self-diagnosed that he might be on the spectrum, you really need to get an official diagnosis. I have seen instances where parents self-diagnose "my child is on the border of spectrum" to explain away problem behaviors when in fact the child is not and they don't want to actually discipline the neurotypical child. There can be no ambivalence. Either your child is SN or not. A neurotypical 12 year old child hitting an adult is very serious. In either case, you know your older child can be violent so you need to understand the situation exactly so you can proceed accordingly. [Report Post] [Post New]01/03/2019 17:56 Subject: Re:12 year old hit nanny. WWYD? [Up] Anonymous Anonymous wrote: New poster. Whatever you do, start immediately. This is your one huge wake-up call, OP., and you need to move now before the next time your child lashes out. Your kid hit an adult.. Twice. Think in terms not just of consequences for that but also in terms of what is going to happen if your child hits another student or a teacher or other adult at school or in an activity. That hit will not end like this incident. The nanny didn't (as far as you've told us) leave or involve cops. Next time there will be a school investigation or school discipline or suspension, or your child will be ejected from an activity, or parents will involve the police -- SN or no SN. You haven returned to answer some PPs' questions about whether the physical aggression is new or a pattern you've seen before. Whichever it is, this incident may be your one shot to get DC more intensive intervention before it happens again. Next time the victim may not be nanny but someone who will get authorities involved, whether that's police or school or both, and once outside authorities are involved you lose any control over the outcome and could end up with a kid at home suspended and angry. I would also consider counseling for your younger child; I would seriously wonder if that child feels safe, ever, in his or her own home, if the older child does things like trip him etc. Take care that the focus on your older child does not mean the younger sibling is feeling afraid and stressed but doesn't show it and you assume all is OK with younger sibling when it isn't. This is an excellent post and covers many factors that haven't been covered by others. Not only does the situation with the older child need to be addressed but also the needs of the younger child and the nanny. I think you need to immediately involve the therapy team so that this can all be sorted out. Do you and the family participate in any type of family therapy, OP? [Report Post] [Post New]01/03/2019 17:58 Subject: Re:12 year old hit nanny. WWYD? [Up] Anonymous I have a SN son that is 13 --- I agree with serious repercussions that include written apologies and loss of screen time or whatever DC values for short time. But, I don't think you will get far with 3 months of punishment -- that isn't going to help in most cases --- too long to be tied to the offense - especially for a kid who struggles. You need, with the therapy team, to put in place a new positive reward system - every day that he behaves (no hitting, no whatever) he gets small reward or points to a small reward - -otherwise how to you show DC what is expected of DC and how to behave. I get this is a serious offense --- but it's not a 16 year old that broke curfew - this is a kid who likely doesn't have a great sense of actions and reactions. That's what needs to be taught and smaller doses work better. [Report Post] [Post New]01/03/2019 18:03 Subject: 12 year old hit nanny. WWYD? [Up] Anonymous Mom of a ADHD, borderline ASP 12 year old boy here. This behavior would definitely within the rhelm of possibly for my kid. I’d be really disappointed, but not shocked. Not sure why everyone is suggesting that electronics be taken away. How is that at all related to what he did and how will it teach him anything about what to do when he’s feeling out of control??? The solution is going to be a combination of looking at how the nanny is handling him and what her role was in triggering him (maybe she should have just left him home to be cranky and cool down); having a calm discussion with him about what happened and what he thinks should be done; and possibly including the therapist or looking at meditation management. Unless he’s new to meds, he should should have some sense about how well its working. Also suggest Ross Greene if you don’t know him. [Report Post] [Post New]01/03/2019 18:19 Subject: Re:12 year old hit nanny. WWYD? [Up] Anonymous Anonymous wrote: Anonymous wrote: Anonymous wrote: Life would be dramatically different. I wouldn’t use his SNs as a crutch. I have two children who are high functioning, but also on the spectrum and ADHD. One also has anxiety and depression. No way would I try to justify or excuse physical violence. I would talk to the nanny about what she wants. Offer two weeks of full pay and a perfect reference if she wants to quit. And my child would have a mattress, blankets, and clothing in his room. Maybe a book. And nothing else. No electronics. He would be in his room except for school and meals. I would allow him to gradually earn back his possessions and freedom. My kids are older. We don’t play those games in our house. You hurt someone, life as you once knew it ends. Preach it.... +1 If you don't nip this kind of thing in the bud what will happen when your 12 yr old gets bigger and stronger? Yep. Remember the poster on DCUM who was afraid of her SN son who assaulted her and was thinking of taking a job in another state to avoid him? [Report Post] [Post New]01/03/2019 18:34 Subject: Re:12 year old hit nanny. WWYD? [Up] Anonymous It’s nice to see the sanity finally showing up in this thread. The first couple of pages when posters were more upset about the nanny taking away privileges versus the beat down she sustained from OPs DS had me seriously concerned. [Report Post] [Post New]01/03/2019 18:36 Subject: 12 year old hit nanny. WWYD? [Up] Anonymous Anonymous wrote: Mom of a ADHD, borderline ASP 12 year old boy here. This behavior would definitely within the rhelm of possibly for my kid. I’d be really disappointed, but not shocked. Not sure why everyone is suggesting that electronics be taken away. How is that at all related to what he did and how will it teach him anything about what to do when he’s feeling out of control??? The solution is going to be a combination of looking at how the nanny is handling him and what her role was in triggering him (maybe she should have just left him home to be cranky and cool down); having a calm discussion with him about what happened and what he thinks should be done; and possibly including the therapist or looking at meditation management. Unless he’s new to meds, he should should have some sense about how well its working. Also suggest Ross Greene if you don’t know him. So you advocate no punishment for the kid for slapping an adult across the face not once, but twice? And you want to discuss what the nanny's role was in triggering that? You sound like a lousy parent, frankly.“ Sorry to tell you, but really it’s you who doesn’t actually know how to parent. But don’t worry, since your so narrowminded, I won’t spend my time explaining why you’re wrong and I know what I’m talking about. |
Anonymous
DP. I assume the 12 year old was with the nanny instead of at camp/at home for a reason. |
Anonymous
|
First, OP, good luck with your DC. I cannot imagine this is easy and best to you, your DC, and family in the steps ahead.
Second, I strongly urge you, if you make a change, to help your nanny find a new position and to provide support until she does so. Letting her go without landing a new job would be nearly as grievous an insult as being slapped by a child, especially one she has cared for and to whom she may be attached. Our kids' nanny was so close to and conscientious in her care of them that she would be dismayed if she learned about unruly behaviour when she picked them up at school. The moment I walked in from work she would have them at the door and have them explain to me what had happened using the "I" word. I appreciated that she believed that their conduct in some way reflected on her care of them (and she is so proud of them today, nearly 12 years later and all grown up!) This episode is probably troubling in multiple ways for your nanny - she also needs your support. Again, good luck - wishing the best to you, your DC, and family. |
Anonymous
Yes - sure, until you realize that it still doesn’t work and then - start over! It’s nice to be all sanctimonious and holier than thou but that doesn’t mean that your advice will work. But continue to listen to Dr Laura - she can be quite entertaining. |
Anonymous
What exactly do you do in your work with ‘children on the spectrum’ ? What are your degrees in? You sound heavy on the preaching and low on the knowledge. |
Anonymous
| Truly curious - for those that think the 12 yo should not suffer consequences for hitting an adult twice, what will you say when that child hits another child who retaliates in kind and possibly hurts the offender? I have known children that don't start it but have no problem finishing when attacked. Is the child that defends herself problematic and should be punished? Is it ok that the offending dc finally faces the natural consequences of their violent behavior? |
Anonymous
It’s not about the consequences. Of course he should receive consequences. But the more complicated piece of the equation is how to redo things so that his life is managed better and that things are more reasonable and suitable for him. You can’t just put someone in an impossible situation and then acted shocked and horrified when someone reacts badly. |
Anonymous
And how to teach him the skills of frustration tolerance, flexibility and emotional regulation that most kids learn naturally but ASD and ADHD kids often do not. You can’t expect someone to do something they don’t know how to do. |
Anonymous
It takes AS kids longer to learn these skills (and many others). |
Anonymous
Here is the thing, the reason why it doesn’t work is bc you tend to wait until 12 to try to fix behavior that has already appeared and has escalated. Your child didn’t just start acting out at age 12. The behavior was always there but you waited until it became violent toward other ppl to decide now is the time to do something. Had you addressed the behavior correctly in the beginning then you wouldn’t be scrambling to figure out what to do. |
Anonymous
You are reading a lot into this. OP did not give us the full developmental history of her kid or their interventions. And you are wrong in that puberty DOES bring on new behaviors and often aggression in a previously easy going kid. It happened exactly like that in my ASD kid. |
Anonymous
| Better get your child in check before they become aa full on teenager. Maybe boarding school? |
Anonymous
| Or July? |
Anonymous
| Meant juvy |