12 year old hit nanny. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would rethink all the advice to let this nanny go. She could have pressed charges or otherwise made your life quite unpleasant around this incident. She is not the problem. Your child is. And to be honest, he's fast aging out of the child category. Teen boys who hit women multiple times go to juvie. And they should.

+1. I don't think those that are encouraging OP to fire the nanny are thinking about the consequences. The nanny acted appropriately and was hit by OP's child (twice). She may reconsider what she does about the situation if she is fired because OP's child committed assault.

Where did anyone say to fire the nanny, as if for misconduct on her part? What we said was the nanny may not be trained or equipped to care for a SN child, because the scenario made it seem like she wasn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Truly curious - for those that think the 12 yo should not suffer consequences for hitting an adult twice, what will you say when that child hits another child who retaliates in kind and possibly hurts the offender? I have known children that don't start it but have no problem finishing when attacked. Is the child that defends herself problematic and should be punished? Is it ok that the offending dc finally faces the natural consequences of their violent behavior?

It’s not about the consequences. Of course he should receive consequences.
But the more complicated piece of the equation is how to redo things so that his life is managed better and that things are more reasonable and suitable for him. You can’t just put someone in an impossible situation and then acted shocked and horrified when someone reacts badly.

And how to teach him the skills of frustration tolerance, flexibility and emotional regulation that most kids learn naturally but ASD and ADHD kids often do not. You can’t expect someone to do something they don’t know how to do.

It takes AS kids longer to learn these skills (and many others).

Well, parents with dc's that have these issues need to get on it sooner rather than later. The world doesn't give 2 sh**s that your dc has problems regulating their emotions and will react to him/her accordingly. [b] For those parents that are making excuses and not getting help, society will be a far harsher teacher for your dc. I am certain it is difficult to parent in this situation but not facing reality isn't doing your child any favor.[/b]

x100000

Nobody is making excuses. They are trying to explain to you why traditional punishments don’t work. That’s all. I’m sure every special needs parent on this board has been working on everything for forever.

Sounds like excuses when the response is, well what did the nanny do to cause his reaction.

There are similar responses to a thread on the elementary forum about a neurotypical 1st grader who hit his mom, and multiple posters are saying that OP should let it go because he was tired, hungry, and was told he couldn't do something he wanted to do so it was understandable that he lashed out and hit his mom and OP shouldn't implement any consequences because they wouldn't be effective. Special needs or not, many parents just don't want to hold their kids accountable for their choices, even when the kid makes the choice to hit or otherwise hurt someone physically. Sure, the consequence may look different for a kid with special needs than a neurotypical kid, but there need to be consequences nonetheless.

[Anonymous]

10 pages later & OP still hasn't made the time to come back since writing her very first post.

OP, you have many people on here who have taken time out of their lives to help you, give you good advice & answer the questions that YOU asked of us, so why wouldnt you follow up since your initial post?

Seems kinda rude to just ghost us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truly curious - for those that think the 12 yo should not suffer consequences for hitting an adult twice, what will you say when that child hits another child who retaliates in kind and possibly hurts the offender? I have known children that don't start it but have no problem finishing when attacked. Is the child that defends herself problematic and should be punished? Is it ok that the offending dc finally faces the natural consequences of their violent behavior?

It’s not about the consequences. Of course he should receive consequences.
But the more complicated piece of the equation is how to redo things so that his life is managed better and that things are more reasonable and suitable for him. You can’t just put someone in an impossible situation and then acted shocked and horrified when someone reacts badly.

And how to teach him the skills of frustration tolerance, flexibility and emotional regulation that most kids learn naturally but ASD and ADHD kids often do not. You can’t expect someone to do something they don’t know how to do.

It takes AS kids longer to learn these skills (and many others).

Well, parents with dc's that have these issues need to get on it sooner rather than later. The world doesn't give 2 sh**s that your dc has problems regulating their emotions and will react to him/her accordingly. [b] For those parents that are making excuses and not getting help, society will be a far harsher teacher for your dc. I am certain it is difficult to parent in this situation but not facing reality isn't doing your child any favor.[/b]

x100000

Nobody is making excuses. They are trying to explain to you why traditional punishments don’t work. That’s all. I’m sure every special needs parent on this board has been working on everything for forever.

Sounds like excuses when the response is, well what did the nanny do to cause his reaction.

There are similar responses to a thread on the elementary forum about a neurotypical 1st grader who hit his mom, and multiple posters are saying that OP should let it go because he was tired, hungry, and was told he couldn't do something he wanted to do so it was understandable that he lashed out and hit his mom and OP shouldn't implement any consequences because they wouldn't be effective. Special needs or not, many parents just don't want to hold their kids accountable for their choices, even when the kid makes the choice to hit or otherwise hurt someone physically. Sure, the consequence may look different for a kid with special needs than a neurotypical kid, but there need to be consequences nonetheless.

Again NOBODY SAID NO CONSEQUENCES.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truly curious - for those that think the 12 yo should not suffer consequences for hitting an adult twice, what will you say when that child hits another child who retaliates in kind and possibly hurts the offender? I have known children that don't start it but have no problem finishing when attacked. Is the child that defends herself problematic and should be punished? Is it ok that the offending dc finally faces the natural consequences of their violent behavior?

It’s not about the consequences. Of course he should receive consequences.
But the more complicated piece of the equation is how to redo things so that his life is managed better and that things are more reasonable and suitable for him. You can’t just put someone in an impossible situation and then acted shocked and horrified when someone reacts badly.

And how to teach him the skills of frustration tolerance, flexibility and emotional regulation that most kids learn naturally but ASD and ADHD kids often do not. You can’t expect someone to do something they don’t know how to do.

It takes AS kids longer to learn these skills (and many others).

Well, parents with dc's that have these issues need to get on it sooner rather than later. The world doesn't give 2 sh**s that your dc has problems regulating their emotions and will react to him/her accordingly. [b] For those parents that are making excuses and not getting help, society will be a far harsher teacher for your dc. I am certain it is difficult to parent in this situation but not facing reality isn't doing your child any favor.[/b]

x100000

Nobody is making excuses. They are trying to explain to you why traditional punishments don’t work. That’s all. I’m sure every special needs parent on this board has been working on everything for forever.

Sounds like excuses when the response is, well what did the nanny do to cause his reaction.

There are similar responses to a thread on the elementary forum about a neurotypical 1st grader who hit his mom, and multiple posters are saying that OP should let it go because he was tired, hungry, and was told he couldn't do something he wanted to do so it was understandable that he lashed out and hit his mom and OP shouldn't implement any consequences because they wouldn't be effective. Special needs or not, many parents just don't want to hold their kids accountable for their choices, even when the kid makes the choice to hit or otherwise hurt someone physically. Sure, the consequence may look different for a kid with special needs than a neurotypical kid, but there need to be consequences nonetheless.

Again NOBODY SAID NO CONSEQUENCES.

also, can I just say how presumptuous and ignorant you sound to the vast majority of SN parents who deal with aggression? I wish you could see the rows of parenting books, the therapy $$, the nights spent awake worrying. But all you see is that I don’t act sufficiently harshly towards my kid to satisfy your sense of vengeance.

[Anonymous]

There aren’t enough consequences in the world fornthis.

SN or not. Utterly, completely, unquestionably, inexcusably HORRID behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was a mistake for you to post this out if the s/n forum. A lot of the same old same old with sn parents must be not disciplining their kids because they are a kid with behavior issues crap.

You people are nasty and should be ashamed of yourselves.

Absolutely they are not. I'm a teacher and have worked with special needs kids. Twelve year old kids are big. If they can be violent due to special needs, this needs to be explicitly dealt with so the child is with adults that are specially trained. The fact this poster asked WWYD shows the poster has not properly dealt with this issue. If a twelve year old child is hitting, and this is expected due to previous experience with this child, then it shouldn't be a surprise by the parent on how to handle this issue.

It sounds like this child is not high special needs. Just because certain special needs behaviors are present does not excuse violence by this child. Yes, the child needs to be disciplined. Let me tell you, this would not be tolerated in a public school. If a twelve year old is hitting due to a perceived special need, they would be moved from any mainstream classes. OP needs to deal with this so this child understands this is a full stop no. We've received no information from OP to imply this child is high special needs to the point of not understanding this. If OP doesn't deal with this, it is going to be worse for this child because someone else will, whether it's the public school system or whoever else. These excuses are exactly why it's so difficult to fill special needs positions in schools and why people leave the teaching profession because so many parents bury their head in the sand.

NOBODY EXCUSED IT DUMB*SS. Seriously. You sound like a teacher with no understanding of SN behaviors. Sadly, not surprising.

You sound pretty educated yourself. A child on the very functional end of the spectrum, like OP stated, is not generally as violent and aggressive as the situation is described. Sometimes parents use these diagnosis as a way of avoiding other serious behavioral issues when in fact they are disciplinary issues that escalate because they’ve not been dealt with. Happens all the time. Parenting sn kids is exhausting and beyond difficult.

Again, nobody "excused" the behavior. Nobody said OP doesn't need to do more. Nobody said not go care about the nanny's safety. All we said is that with a kid on the spectrum, harsh tactics and moralistic punishing instincts are not going to work.

DP. You are not listening to the message from at least one teacher and one therapist that I can tell. The 12 year old child HIT an adult twice. The consequences of that need to be significant.

It is unnerving that OP is posting here asking WWYD. This shows that OP is not doing a good job of parenting and really needs to do a better job of parenting. She can do that by working with her child's therapy team, her child's educators and others. OP most certainly should be undertaking some sort of parenting classes and perhaps including the nanny in those classes.

Frankly it sounds like the child should be staying after school for extended day care and not being released at the school day's end. And everyone involved should be working with the child to set a BIP in place so that this behavior is extinguished before it escalates.

[Anonymous]

You’re willing to defend assault, OP? Parenting fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the SN parents posting here, I do understand a little how hard it must be to teach your kids some of the stuff I expect my children to absorb simply from observing the world around them.

The issue is that it sounds like you are blaming the nanny here. Kids don’t show up at 12 years old hitting adults. Somewhere along the way, there were signs that this parent ignored. Why would she leave her SN son who is unstable enough to hit someone with a nanny who doesn’t know how to manage him? And when people point out that questioning what the nanny did is enabling, you get defensive.

No doubt it’s hard, but please understand that this is not the nanny’s fault.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was a mistake for you to post this out if the s/n forum. A lot of the same old same old with sn parents must be not disciplining their kids because they are a kid with behavior issues crap.

You people are nasty and should be ashamed of yourselves.

Absolutely they are not. I'm a teacher and have worked with special needs kids. Twelve year old kids are big. If they can be violent due to special needs, this needs to be explicitly dealt with so the child is with adults that are specially trained. The fact this poster asked WWYD shows the poster has not properly dealt with this issue. If a twelve year old child is hitting, and this is expected due to previous experience with this child, then it shouldn't be a surprise by the parent on how to handle this issue.

It sounds like this child is not high special needs. Just because certain special needs behaviors are present does not excuse violence by this child. Yes, the child needs to be disciplined. Let me tell you, this would not be tolerated in a public school. If a twelve year old is hitting due to a perceived special need, they would be moved from any mainstream classes. OP needs to deal with this so this child understands this is a full stop no. We've received no information from OP to imply this child is high special needs to the point of not understanding this. If OP doesn't deal with this, it is going to be worse for this child because someone else will, whether it's the public school system or whoever else. These excuses are exactly why it's so difficult to fill special needs positions in schools and why people leave the teaching profession because so many parents bury their head in the sand.

NOBODY EXCUSED IT DUMB*SS. Seriously. You sound like a teacher with no understanding of SN behaviors. Sadly, not surprising.

Actually, there were posters saying there should be no punishment because the child is sn. That's what got a lot of pushback because it's a recipe for disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truly curious - for those that think the 12 yo should not suffer consequences for hitting an adult twice, what will you say when that child hits another child who retaliates in kind and possibly hurts the offender? I have known children that don't start it but have no problem finishing when attacked. Is the child that defends herself problematic and should be punished? Is it ok that the offending dc finally faces the natural consequences of their violent behavior?

It’s not about the consequences. Of course he should receive consequences.
But the more complicated piece of the equation is how to redo things so that his life is managed better and that things are more reasonable and suitable for him. You can’t just put someone in an impossible situation and then acted shocked and horrified when someone reacts badly.

And how to teach him the skills of frustration tolerance, flexibility and emotional regulation that most kids learn naturally but ASD and ADHD kids often do not. You can’t expect someone to do something they don’t know how to do.

It takes AS kids longer to learn these skills (and many others).

Well, parents with dc's that have these issues need to get on it sooner rather than later. The world doesn't give 2 sh**s that your dc has problems regulating their emotions and will react to him/her accordingly. [b] For those parents that are making excuses and not getting help, society will be a far harsher teacher for your dc. I am certain it is difficult to parent in this situation but not facing reality isn't doing your child any favor.[/b]

x100000

Nobody is making excuses. They are trying to explain to you why traditional punishments don’t work. That’s all. I’m sure every special needs parent on this board has been working on everything for forever.

Sounds like excuses when the response is, well what did the nanny do to cause his reaction.

There are similar responses to a thread on the elementary forum about a neurotypical 1st grader who hit his mom, and multiple posters are saying that OP should let it go because he was tired, hungry, and was told he couldn't do something he wanted to do so it was understandable that he lashed out and hit his mom and OP shouldn't implement any consequences because they wouldn't be effective. Special needs or not, many parents just don't want to hold their kids accountable for their choices, even when the kid makes the choice to hit or otherwise hurt someone physically. Sure, the consequence may look different for a kid with special needs than a neurotypical kid, but there need to be consequences nonetheless.

Again NOBODY SAID NO CONSEQUENCES.

also, can I just say how presumptuous and ignorant you sound to the vast majority of SN parents who deal with aggression? I wish you could see the rows of parenting books, the therapy $$, the nights spent awake worrying. But all you see is that I don’t act sufficiently harshly towards my kid to satisfy your sense of vengeance.

There were people saying taking my away devices for a week was too harsh. I don't think taking away a device for a week for tripping and shoving a sibling is harsh, and definitely doesn't fall in the vengeance category.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was a mistake for you to post this out if the s/n forum. A lot of the same old same old with sn parents must be not disciplining their kids because they are a kid with behavior issues crap.

You people are nasty and should be ashamed of yourselves.

Absolutely they are not. I'm a teacher and have worked with special needs kids. Twelve year old kids are big. If they can be violent due to special needs, this needs to be explicitly dealt with so the child is with adults that are specially trained. The fact this poster asked WWYD shows the poster has not properly dealt with this issue. If a twelve year old child is hitting, and this is expected due to previous experience with this child, then it shouldn't be a surprise by the parent on how to handle this issue.

It sounds like this child is not high special needs. Just because certain special needs behaviors are present does not excuse violence by this child. Yes, the child needs to be disciplined. Let me tell you, this would not be tolerated in a public school. If a twelve year old is hitting due to a perceived special need, they would be moved from any mainstream classes. OP needs to deal with this so this child understands this is a full stop no. We've received no information from OP to imply this child is high special needs to the point of not understanding this. If OP doesn't deal with this, it is going to be worse for this child because someone else will, whether it's the public school system or whoever else. These excuses are exactly why it's so difficult to fill special needs positions in schools and why people leave the teaching profession because so many parents bury their head in the sand.

NOBODY EXCUSED IT DUMB*SS. Seriously. You sound like a teacher with no understanding of SN behaviors. Sadly, not surprising.

Actually, there were posters saying there should be no punishment because the child is sn. That's what got a lot of pushback because it's a recipe for disaster.

who said there shouldn't be any punishment at all? what people who are **actually informed** said was that it's important to know how to desescalate with a SN child, and that consequences have to be calibrated and part of a larger behavior management strategy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truly curious - for those that think the 12 yo should not suffer consequences for hitting an adult twice, what will you say when that child hits another child who retaliates in kind and possibly hurts the offender? I have known children that don't start it but have no problem finishing when attacked. Is the child that defends herself problematic and should be punished? Is it ok that the offending dc finally faces the natural consequences of their violent behavior?

It’s not about the consequences. Of course he should receive consequences.
But the more complicated piece of the equation is how to redo things so that his life is managed better and that things are more reasonable and suitable for him. You can’t just put someone in an impossible situation and then acted shocked and horrified when someone reacts badly.

And how to teach him the skills of frustration tolerance, flexibility and emotional regulation that most kids learn naturally but ASD and ADHD kids often do not. You can’t expect someone to do something they don’t know how to do.

It takes AS kids longer to learn these skills (and many others).

Well, parents with dc's that have these issues need to get on it sooner rather than later. The world doesn't give 2 sh**s that your dc has problems regulating their emotions and will react to him/her accordingly. [b] For those parents that are making excuses and not getting help, society will be a far harsher teacher for your dc. I am certain it is difficult to parent in this situation but not facing reality isn't doing your child any favor.[/b]

x100000

Nobody is making excuses. They are trying to explain to you why traditional punishments don’t work. That’s all. I’m sure every special needs parent on this board has been working on everything for forever.

Sounds like excuses when the response is, well what did the nanny do to cause his reaction.

There are similar responses to a thread on the elementary forum about a neurotypical 1st grader who hit his mom, and multiple posters are saying that OP should let it go because he was tired, hungry, and was told he couldn't do something he wanted to do so it was understandable that he lashed out and hit his mom and OP shouldn't implement any consequences because they wouldn't be effective. Special needs or not, many parents just don't want to hold their kids accountable for their choices, even when the kid makes the choice to hit or otherwise hurt someone physically. Sure, the consequence may look different for a kid with special needs than a neurotypical kid, but there need to be consequences nonetheless.

Again NOBODY SAID NO CONSEQUENCES.

also, can I just say how presumptuous and ignorant you sound to the vast majority of SN parents who deal with aggression? I wish you could see the rows of parenting books, the therapy $$, the nights spent awake worrying. But all you see is that I don’t act sufficiently harshly towards my kid to satisfy your sense of vengeance.

There were people saying taking my away devices for a week was too harsh. I don't think taking away a device for a week for tripping and shoving a sibling is harsh, and definitely doesn't fall in the vengeance category.

thanks for your useless and uniformed input. next.

[Anonymous]

I think OP asked "what would you do?" because this is a difficult situation with ramifications for her kid, her nanny, etc, not because she didn't expect that she had to do something.

I think she also asked that people be constructive, not compare her child to Adam Lanza. I love DCUM but when threads go this way, I definitely feel the need for a break. I can see why she has not returned to this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP asked "what would you do?" because this is a difficult situation with ramifications for her kid, her nanny, etc, not because she didn't expect that she had to do something.

I think she also asked that people be constructive, not compare her child to Adam Lanza. I love DCUM but when threads go this way, I definitely feel the need for a break. I can see why she has not returned to this thread.

I hear you but I think OP made the mistake of posting here in Tweens/Teens. For a lot of us with non SN children, a ton of bricks would fall on our dc's head for hitting an adult, twice. Some of us think your dc's behavior is made worse because of how you may have handled, or not handled, this in the past (this behavior did not likely appear from nowhere). Right or wrong, we just can't relate. Also, the awfulness of gun violence in schools has made a lot of people unsympathetic to dc's that have emotional problems. Of course the majority of dc's that have problems regulating their emotions aren't going to be mass murderers but the mere possibility makes a lot of parents that don't deal with these problems over the top anxious about what it may mean for their own dc. Maybe a little understanding on all sides is needed.