Wife wants to move from city to small hometown, I don't

[Anonymous]

She lived in your city for many years. You sold your business. Move to the town halfway between. You are selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, she's been accommodating you and your parents for decades. Don't you think there would be some catching up to do with her own family?

PS - Again: it sounds like you don't really like your wife very much.

Well she spends 4-5 weeks a year with them, 24 hours a day.
We see my parents for maybe an hour a week, which over a year totals about 2 days' worth.

OMG! Shall I call you a wah-mbulance?

You're exhausting, op. Truly.

You two need joint counseling. Someone needs to help you realize that marriage is a two-way street, compromise is critical, and your tit for tat attitude is dangerous. A good therapist can help you with that.

Unfortunately, a therapist can't train you to love your wife and prioritize her happiness.

West coast wife here. This seems a little harsh. Op has in fairness said he’d be open to various ideas including counseling. And he’s on here getting a gut check and subjecting himself to judgement. Give him credit for that. It’s a legit dilemma and I feel for both him and his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Unfortunately, a therapist can't train you to love your wife and prioritize her happiness.

If I should prioritize her happiness, should she in turn prioritize mine? Who ultimately gets priority and why? - OP

Yes, she should prioritize your happiness as well. This is what normal couples do: they try to make eachother happy.

When you check out and your relationship devolves to "screw her, I'm not doing X...I don't care what she wants, etc." then your marriage is pretty much toast.

Now I'm sure you'll post back with, "Then I win!"

Here's where you are failing to recognize that you haven't had to make any sacrifices. She moved to you, she accommodates you and your parents, etc. Now it's time for you to man up and do something that makes her happy.

Sadly, I don't think you can. I think your personality is such that you constantly keep score. And I think you are incapable of putting her needs first.

Are you an only child? If not, are you the oldest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, she's been accommodating you and your parents for decades. Don't you think there would be some catching up to do with her own family?

PS - Again: it sounds like you don't really like your wife very much.

Well she spends 4-5 weeks a year with them, 24 hours a day.
We see my parents for maybe an hour a week, which over a year totals about 2 days' worth.

OMG! Shall I call you a wah-mbulance?

You're exhausting, op. Truly.

You two need joint counseling. Someone needs to help you realize that marriage is a two-way street, compromise is critical, and your tit for tat attitude is dangerous. A good therapist can help you with that.

Unfortunately, a therapist can't train you to love your wife and prioritize her happiness.

West coast wife here. This seems a little harsh. Op has in fairness said he’d be open to various ideas including counseling. And he’s on here getting a gut check and subjecting himself to judgement. Give him credit for that. It’s a legit dilemma and I feel for both him and his wife.

You don't see a problem with how he keeps score and prioritizes his needs? I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

When you check out and your relationship devolves to "screw her, I'm not doing X...I don't care what she wants, etc." then your marriage is pretty much toast.

Well I never said "screw her I'm not moving." I just said I don't want to.

Anonymous wrote:
Are you an only child? If not, are you the oldest?

No, and no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When you check out and your relationship devolves to "screw her, I'm not doing X...I don't care what she wants, etc." then your marriage is pretty much toast.

Well I never said "screw her I'm not moving." I just said I don't want to.

Anonymous wrote:
Are you an only child? If not, are you the oldest?

No, and no.

Literally everything you've shared makes you sound unwilling to compromise (at best). Candidly, you seem to take every opportunity to throw your wife under the bus. And that's not cool.

[Anonymous]

wow there's a lot of really bitter women on this forum. y'all are man haters!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Literally everything you've shared makes you sound unwilling to compromise (at best). Candidly, you seem to take every opportunity to throw your wife under the bus. And that's not cool.

I posted to ask for help to compromise. If I was firmly against doing anything I didn't want to my mind would be made up and I'd not need to be asking for advice. - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Literally everything you've shared makes you sound unwilling to compromise (at best). Candidly, you seem to take every opportunity to throw your wife under the bus. And that's not cool.

I posted to ask for help to compromise. If I was firmly against doing anything I didn't want to my mind would be made up and I'd not need to be asking for advice. - OP

You’ve received several suggestions for compromises. Which ones seem viable and something you’d like to suggest to your spouse? Then we can all move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I posted that because I've had to listen to several divorced people cry when their ex quickly moves on...to a better partner, a better house, better lifestyle, etc. My go to advice when people are contemplating separation is, "How will you feel when s/he has a great new partner and takes the kids to Cabo for Christmas while you're home alone? You should probably think about that before making any sudden moves."

I'm not considering separation. I love my wife and we have a great life together. This is just an issue that keeps coming up for her. I'm not saying "NO" which is why I'm on here asking for people's advice. - OP

OP, your love for your wife absolutely doesn't come across in your original post. It just doesn't. And that's not irrelevant information that I'm drawing to your attention here. Your original post was very clear in expressing how you feel about your wife. Lack of love, lack of respect, contempt - you don't even like her.

I'm not writing this to criticize you, just alert you to what you actually said and how you said it in your first post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Literally everything you've shared makes you sound unwilling to compromise (at best). Candidly, you seem to take every opportunity to throw your wife under the bus. And that's not cool.

I posted to ask for help to compromise. If I was firmly against doing anything I didn't want to my mind would be made up and I'd not need to be asking for advice. - OP

You’ve received several suggestions for compromises. Which ones seem viable and something you’d like to suggest to your spouse? Then we can all move on.

This.

My guess is that he'll suggest therapy rather than renting or buying a second home in the small town.

The sad thing is that I bet his wife is so accustomed to making sacrifices and doesn't expect him to do anything for her. In fact, I bet she would be easily pacified if he merely suggested he's open to looking at rentals. That might actually be enough: acknowledgment of her feelings, and openness to a solution.

I don't think suggesting therapy for HER will go over well...primarily since I don't believe she is the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I posted that because I've had to listen to several divorced people cry when their ex quickly moves on...to a better partner, a better house, better lifestyle, etc. My go to advice when people are contemplating separation is, "How will you feel when s/he has a great new partner and takes the kids to Cabo for Christmas while you're home alone? You should probably think about that before making any sudden moves."

I'm not considering separation. I love my wife and we have a great life together. This is just an issue that keeps coming up for her. I'm not saying "NO" which is why I'm on here asking for people's advice. - OP

OP, your love for your wife absolutely doesn't come across in your original post. It just doesn't. And that's not irrelevant information that I'm drawing to your attention here. Your original post was very clear in expressing how you feel about your wife. Lack of love, lack of respect, contempt - you don't even like her.

I'm not writing this to criticize you, just alert you to what you actually said and how you said it in your first post.

This.

Print it out and show it to her therapist. Then report back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Literally everything you've shared makes you sound unwilling to compromise (at best). Candidly, you seem to take every opportunity to throw your wife under the bus. And that's not cool.

I posted to ask for help to compromise. If I was firmly against doing anything I didn't want to my mind would be made up and I'd not need to be asking for advice. - OP

You’ve received several suggestions for compromises. Which ones seem viable and something you’d like to suggest to your spouse? Then we can all move on.

This.

My guess is that he'll suggest therapy rather than renting or buying a second home in the small town.

The sad thing is that I bet his wife is so accustomed to making sacrifices and doesn't expect him to do anything for her. In fact, I bet she would be easily pacified if he merely suggested he's open to looking at rentals. That might actually be enough: acknowledgment of her feelings, and openness to a solution.

I don't think suggesting therapy for HER will go over well...primarily since I don't believe she is the problem.

The other suggestion on the table to is for everyone to move to the large town/small city in the middle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My guess is that he'll suggest therapy rather than renting or buying a second home in the small town.

The sad thing is that I bet his wife is so accustomed to making sacrifices and doesn't expect him to do anything for her. In fact, I bet she would be easily pacified if he merely suggested he's open to looking at rentals. That might actually be enough: acknowledgment of her feelings, and openness to a solution.

I don't think suggesting therapy for HER will go over well...primarily since I don't believe she is the problem.

She doesn't need therapy. I said I'm open to couple's counseling to help us understand each other and reach a compromise.

Your "guesses" and "bets" are unhelpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Literally everything you've shared makes you sound unwilling to compromise (at best). Candidly, you seem to take every opportunity to throw your wife under the bus. And that's not cool.

I posted to ask for help to compromise. If I was firmly against doing anything I didn't want to my mind would be made up and I'd not need to be asking for advice. - OP

You’ve received several suggestions for compromises. Which ones seem viable and something you’d like to suggest to your spouse? Then we can all move on.

So far I've suggested we buy some land there. That's as far as I've gotten. - OP