Friend is having affair - wants to bring "other person" on a group trip

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whatever do you OP, please report back after the trip!

[phone]
It sounds like a nightmare and also the makings of a classic DCUM thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell friend A that you know about the affair and that others do as well and that it puts all of you in a very uncomfortable situation, one that will really change the dynamics of the trip. That you're not interested in judging them or telling their spouse, but from the point of view of one of the members of the trip, which was intended to be a reunion for friends and not a way to travel with your secret affair partner, Friend A has put you all into a difficult position where YOU are going to feel awkward and strange, and that you do not want to be saddled with this secret or have to pretend like you dont know what's going on. You may also say that you feel a little used, that it is as if Friend A is using this reunion as a way to have a tryst at the expense of the group dynamics.

Then see what they say.

THIS OP. Do THIS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think Friend A is an asshole for putting you in this position. It's going to make you uncomfortable during your vacation, and I think you should say that either you or Friend A needs to back out. Probably it's going to be you.

Friend A is a bad friend, to be honest. And I hope someone posts incriminating photos of A and Newbie. Is there any way one of you could reach out directly to Friend A's spouse and suggest they come along on the trip? I bet the spouse doesn't even know that coming along is an option for them!

I suspect friend A is an idiot who thinks they'll be able to hide the relationship.

Do report back, op!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm kind of a jerk, but I would take lots of pictures on of Friend A and Newbie B together and post them on social media, so the wife could see them.

But really, I wouldn't do that. I'd tell Friend A he can't bring Newbie B, and see no need to reimburse Newbie B for her sunk costs. When you deceive people and they find out, you can't complain about the out of pocket costs.

I assumed opposite genders than you . . .

The group is all women. It’s always women that want to “hide” the gender but then make it obvious in the post.

OP here:
Wrong. Re-read the thread, I clarified the genders.

Mixed-gendered group, couples and singles. Friend A and Newbie B are not the same gender, both are married to other people.

OP are Friend A and Newbie planning on sharing a room? That would tip it over the edge for me I would have to say something.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, if ai were friend C (who you all know will have issues with the infidelity) and i find out that you and the other person knew of the affair partner, yet didn't say anything to me or give me the opportunity to back out, I would feel very hurt and upset with all of you, and quite likely this trip would be the beginning of the end of my friendship with you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm kind of a jerk, but I would take lots of pictures on of Friend A and Newbie B together and post them on social media, so the wife could see them.

But really, I wouldn't do that. I'd tell Friend A he can't bring Newbie B, and see no need to reimburse Newbie B for her sunk costs. When you deceive people and they find out, you can't complain about the out of pocket costs.

Funny that you think A’s souse is a woman, I assumed A was a woman who was cheating on her husband...

[Anonymous]

OP here:
It's interesting to read into people's biases regarding the gender of the participants. I'm definitely not going to reveal it, since it's not pertinent to the outcome of the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. They have put you in a really tough situation. I would back out, tell everyone, and make my own accommodations. There is no way I would do this. It was really manipulative on their parts (A and B) the way they did this. I would have NO parts of this.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:
It's interesting to read into people's biases regarding the gender of the participants. I'm definitely not going to reveal it, since it's not pertinent to the outcome of the situation.

It is pertinent in the framework of it being obviously an affair if it is an all guys trip and joe brings along a random girl, or an all girls trip and Larla brings along a random guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here:
It's interesting to read into people's biases regarding the gender of the participants. I'm definitely not going to reveal it, since it's not pertinent to the outcome of the situation.

It is pertinent in the framework of it being obviously an affair if it is an all guys trip and joe brings along a random girl, or an all girls trip and Larla brings along a random guy.

OP has said many times it is a co-ed trip, mix of couples and friends.

I think though that it is easier for a girl to get away with bringing along an 'awesome new friend who is male' than a man could get away with bringing 'an awesome new friend that is female.' And the talk of them talking over skype and flushing makes me think Friend A is a woman. OP is right that it doesn't really matter but I do think a woman has a better chance of making it undercover than a man.

So if OP's question was, 'is there any way this can go undetected on this trip?' my answer would be different if it was a guy bringing along a girl or vice versa. But in terms of 'the right thing to do' it is a hard question.

One possibility that hasn't been thrown out OP, tell Friend D (morally opposed to affairs and direct friend). 10 bucks says Friend D blows it up pre-trip and takes care of this for you and Friend C.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if ai were friend C (who you all know will have issues with the infidelity) and i find out that you and the other person knew of the affair partner, yet didn't say anything to me or give me the opportunity to back out, I would feel very hurt and upset with all of you, and quite likely this trip would be the beginning of the end of my friendship with you too.

Same here. This isn’t just about op’s friendship with A, it is about honesty throughout the whole group. Everyone attending should be aware of this so they have the right to back out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a totally bizarre situation so please bear with me.

I am traveling to Europe for work later this summer. A bunch of my friends currently live in Europe for their jobs. We've made a plan to have a "reunion" in the city where I'm traveling for my business trip - we have all known each other for many years. We will have a long weekend of sightseeing, food, drinks, going out dancing, etc. We rented a great house so we can all stay together.

Friend A is recently married, but living apart from their spouse due to overseas work assignments in different cities (1500+ miles apart). About halfway through the planning process, Friend A says "Oh, I'm inviting my new friend, Newbie B to join us on the trip. Newbie B is a great person, totally awesome." Newbie B even goes so far as to lay out the money to book the accommodations for the entire group (I found this really surprising), we will all pay Newbie B back.

In a private conversation over Skype, I ask Friend A: "Oh, is your spouse coming? It would be so good to see them! It's been too long." Friend A says their spouse can't come due to work commitments. Friend A basically keeps avoiding the topic of their spouse, but gushes on and on about Newbie B (whom I and most of the group has never met). It's weird.

I talk about this weirdness with Friend C, who is a longtime friend and also going on the trip. Friend C admits that Friend A has been having an affair with Newbie B for months. Friend C is the only person who knows, it has been weighing on their conscious the entire time. Friend A is seeing Newbie B multiple times per week. Friend A's spouse knows NOTHING about this and we are not even sure Friend A's spouse is aware of this trip.

The other friends attending this trip are completely unaware of these dynamics. We are all sharing housing together, all of us are friendly with Friend A's spouse (but definitely closer to Friend A). We attended their wedding only 20 months ago! If Friend A and Newbie B share a bedroom or start engaging in PDA, it will be completely shocking for the others attending.

My spouse thinks we are implicitly sanctioning this behavior by letting Newbie B attend. However, we had no idea this was happening when we were initially told about Newbie B's attendance. Also, my spouse believes we should alert the other friends attending. Unfortunately, plane tix have been purchased months and most of the money is a sunk cost. I don't want to be party to a torrid affair and having to hide all this from Friend A's spouse.

WWYD?

I'm assuming all the friends in the "reunion" group were of one gender? Are other spouses coming or was this supposed to be a one gender weekend? And how does it come to pass that friend A introduces newbie to the group and has the newbie joining this weekend without objection? Is it a same sex affair? If not, who brings an opposite gender "friend" on a reunion weekend? That should have set off alarm bells right there.

It's an issue, especially if you are friendly with husband and wife. It needs to be addressed ahead of time. Maybe they have an arrangement for when they are long distance. It wasn't your business before but he/she has made it your business.

[Anonymous]

I would go, but Friend A is an idiot for bringing affair partner. This pretty much makes it likely the spouse will find out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a totally bizarre situation so please bear with me.

I am traveling to Europe for work later this summer. A bunch of my friends currently live in Europe for their jobs. We've made a plan to have a "reunion" in the city where I'm traveling for my business trip - we have all known each other for many years. We will have a long weekend of sightseeing, food, drinks, going out dancing, etc. We rented a great house so we can all stay together.

Friend A is recently married, but living apart from their spouse due to overseas work assignments in different cities (1500+ miles apart). About halfway through the planning process, Friend A says "Oh, I'm inviting my new friend, Newbie B to join us on the trip. Newbie B is a great person, totally awesome." Newbie B even goes so far as to lay out the money to book the accommodations for the entire group (I found this really surprising), we will all pay Newbie B back.

In a private conversation over Skype, I ask Friend A: "Oh, is your spouse coming? It would be so good to see them! It's been too long." Friend A says their spouse can't come due to work commitments. Friend A basically keeps avoiding the topic of their spouse, but gushes on and on about Newbie B (whom I and most of the group has never met). It's weird.

I talk about this weirdness with Friend C, who is a longtime friend and also going on the trip. Friend C admits that Friend A has been having an affair with Newbie B for months. Friend C is the only person who knows, it has been weighing on their conscious the entire time. Friend A is seeing Newbie B multiple times per week. Friend A's spouse knows NOTHING about this and we are not even sure Friend A's spouse is aware of this trip.

The other friends attending this trip are completely unaware of these dynamics. We are all sharing housing together, all of us are friendly with Friend A's spouse (but definitely closer to Friend A). We attended their wedding only 20 months ago! If Friend A and Newbie B share a bedroom or start engaging in PDA, it will be completely shocking for the others attending.

My spouse thinks we are implicitly sanctioning this behavior by letting Newbie B attend. However, we had no idea this was happening when we were initially told about Newbie B's attendance. Also, my spouse believes we should alert the other friends attending. Unfortunately, plane tix have been purchased months and most of the money is a sunk cost. I don't want to be party to a torrid affair and having to hide all this from Friend A's spouse.

WWYD?

I'm assuming all the friends in the "reunion" group were of one gender? Are other spouses coming or was this supposed to be a one gender weekend? And how does it come to pass that friend A introduces newbie to the group and has the newbie joining this weekend without objection? Is it a same sex affair? If not, who brings an opposite gender "friend" on a reunion weekend? That should have set off alarm bells right there.

It's an issue, especially if you are friendly with husband and wife. It needs to be addressed ahead of time. Maybe they have an arrangement for when they are long distance. It wasn't your business before but he/she has made it your business.

OMG people don't respond to a 7 page thread without at least reading the first and last pages!

Not OP but the group is not all same gender. Mixed genders. Friend A and Newbie B are different genders though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a totally bizarre situation so please bear with me.

I am traveling to Europe for work later this summer. A bunch of my friends currently live in Europe for their jobs. We've made a plan to have a "reunion" in the city where I'm traveling for my business trip - we have all known each other for many years. We will have a long weekend of sightseeing, food, drinks, going out dancing, etc. We rented a great house so we can all stay together.

Friend A is recently married, but living apart from their spouse due to overseas work assignments in different cities (1500+ miles apart). About halfway through the planning process, Friend A says "Oh, I'm inviting my new friend, Newbie B to join us on the trip. Newbie B is a great person, totally awesome." Newbie B even goes so far as to lay out the money to book the accommodations for the entire group (I found this really surprising), we will all pay Newbie B back.

In a private conversation over Skype, I ask Friend A: "Oh, is your spouse coming? It would be so good to see them! It's been too long." Friend A says their spouse can't come due to work commitments. Friend A basically keeps avoiding the topic of their spouse, but gushes on and on about Newbie B (whom I and most of the group has never met). It's weird.

I talk about this weirdness with Friend C, who is a longtime friend and also going on the trip. Friend C admits that Friend A has been having an affair with Newbie B for months. Friend C is the only person who knows, it has been weighing on their conscious the entire time. Friend A is seeing Newbie B multiple times per week. Friend A's spouse knows NOTHING about this and we are not even sure Friend A's spouse is aware of this trip.

The other friends attending this trip are completely unaware of these dynamics. We are all sharing housing together, all of us are friendly with Friend A's spouse (but definitely closer to Friend A). We attended their wedding only 20 months ago! If Friend A and Newbie B share a bedroom or start engaging in PDA, it will be completely shocking for the others attending.

My spouse thinks we are implicitly sanctioning this behavior by letting Newbie B attend. However, we had no idea this was happening when we were initially told about Newbie B's attendance. Also, my spouse believes we should alert the other friends attending. Unfortunately, plane tix have been purchased months and most of the money is a sunk cost. I don't want to be party to a torrid affair and having to hide all this from Friend A's spouse.

WWYD?

I'm assuming all the friends in the "reunion" group were of one gender? Are other spouses coming or was this supposed to be a one gender weekend? And how does it come to pass that friend A introduces newbie to the group and has the newbie joining this weekend without objection? Is it a same sex affair? If not, who brings an opposite gender "friend" on a reunion weekend? That should have set off alarm bells right there.

It's an issue, especially if you are friendly with husband and wife. It needs to be addressed ahead of time. Maybe they have an arrangement for when they are long distance. It wasn't your business before but he/she has made it your business.

OMG people don't respond to a 7 page thread without at least reading the first and last pages!

Not OP but the group is not all same gender. Mixed genders. Friend A and Newbie B are different genders though.

Or don’t be cagey about the story to begin with. There’s no need to hide genders in this post other than to be dramatic.