DW work is impacting our marriage - looking for advice from the smart people of DCUM

[Anonymous]

OP, Let me give you another perspective. As a long-term SAH I have lost a lot of my identity. When I start to work in September I am going to make crazy sacrifices at a job I don't even like that much just to have a chance to become employed, i.e. human, again. My DH has a demanding job.

If we have sex once it's been a good month. I used to initiate, even pick fights about our low frequency but I do not because I am no longer physically attracted to DH. Whether I SAH or work 70 hours a week, that will not change. Baths, champagne and roses might make me feel guilty for turning him down but would not rekindle desire in any meaningful way.

I suspect that if it were up to your DW she would have sex with you far less frequently, not even every month. She probably obliges you because she did not feel able to refuse you during her SAH years. You made all the money, had all the power, she wasn't working. What credible excuse could she have for denying you? Now she is shifting the balance of power, becoming someone again in the larger society, instead of merely in your home. You will never go back to 3x weekly, not even if you hire 10 au pairs and eat out every night. This is a new phase in your marriage.

If I were you I would only try to negotiate on behalf of the kids now. If her job allows flexibility insist that she be home for dinner X nights a week. Make no other demands at this time. If you are faithful and patient and unselfish, perhaps your wife will allow you to continue to be married to her. In time the relationship can be reborn. Not now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire a cleaning lady.
Set up dates nights and get a babysitter.
Do you do oral?
Are you fit?
Are you fun?

OP here.

We have a cleaning lady and I have found a trusted babysitter - just confirmed it with her last week.

Yes, yes and yes. Whenever we do have sex, I make sure that she is satisfied before I get my needs taken care of. I'm no slouch.

How long do you go after she is done. More than 5 minutes will kill your sex luge.

+ 1

Why do men not get this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, Let me give you another perspective. As a long-term SAH I have lost a lot of my identity. When I start to work in September I am going to make crazy sacrifices at a job I don't even like that much just to have a chance to become employed, i.e. human, again. My DH has a demanding job.

If we have sex once it's been a good month. I used to initiate, even pick fights about our low frequency but I do not because I am no longer physically attracted to DH. Whether I SAH or work 70 hours a week, that will not change. Baths, champagne and roses might make me feel guilty for turning him down but would not rekindle desire in any meaningful way.

I suspect that if it were up to your DW she would have sex with you far less frequently, not even every month. She probably obliges you because she did not feel able to refuse you during her SAH years. You made all the money, had all the power, she wasn't working. What credible excuse could she have for denying you? Now she is shifting the balance of power, becoming someone again in the larger society, instead of merely in your home. You will never go back to 3x weekly, not even if you hire 10 au pairs and eat out every night. This is a new phase in your marriage.

If I were you I would only try to negotiate on behalf of the kids now. If her job allows flexibility insist that she be home for dinner X nights a week. Make no other demands at this time. If you are faithful and patient and unselfish, perhaps your wife will allow you to continue to be married to her. In time the relationship can be reborn. Not now.

lol

TRUTH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get that it's her turn to reetablish her career. But missing dinner 90% of the time with her family is not okay. That makes me sad for the kids. I think she is working too much if that is the case.

Was it sad for the kids when DH was traveling and not even there for multiple days in a row?

Sexist double-standard employed at just the time when DW is re-establishing career.

OP, I would be SOOOOOOO disappointed if I had spent 7 years as a complete SAHM to support you in a career thus enabling you to make 500K a year and you came to me when I finally was able to go back to work and told me I was working to much. Honestly, it would be a marriage ending moment for me, because it would say my career and sense of self-worth are truly not important.

If you are concerned that your wife is wiped and comes home and vegetates, ask HER what would help HER. Coming home early may not be an option - some offices require face time to move up. some people have bosses who walk the halls and see who is there at 7pm and take mental note. Life was all about you for 7 years. IF you earn 500K, you can afford whatever supports she needs. But, it's not about what you need but what she needs. Is she happy vegging on the couch? Is she OK with not eating with the kids? Maybe you can do breakfast together instead of dinner. Stop trying to fit her in the traditional expecatations box when she already SAHMed for 7 years. She deserves a career too and not everyone gets to have it all at the same time. (You didn't clearly.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, Let me give you another perspective. As a long-term SAH I have lost a lot of my identity. When I start to work in September I am going to make crazy sacrifices at a job I don't even like that much just to have a chance to become employed, i.e. human, again. My DH has a demanding job.

If we have sex once it's been a good month. I used to initiate, even pick fights about our low frequency but I do not because I am no longer physically attracted to DH. Whether I SAH or work 70 hours a week, that will not change. Baths, champagne and roses might make me feel guilty for turning him down but would not rekindle desire in any meaningful way.

I suspect that if it were up to your DW she would have sex with you far less frequently, not even every month. She probably obliges you because she did not feel able to refuse you during her SAH years. You made all the money, had all the power, she wasn't working. What credible excuse could she have for denying you? Now she is shifting the balance of power, becoming someone again in the larger society, instead of merely in your home. You will never go back to 3x weekly, not even if you hire 10 au pairs and eat out every night. This is a new phase in your marriage.

If I were you I would only try to negotiate on behalf of the kids now. If her job allows flexibility insist that she be home for dinner X nights a week. Make no other demands at this time. If you are faithful and patient and unselfish, perhaps your wife will allow you to continue to be married to her. In time the relationship can be reborn. Not now.

lol

TRUTH

That is super weird and I completely disagree. It doesn't represent how anyone I know who stays at home feels. If either they or their spouse had that kind of strange archaic view of life, they wouldn't stay at home. I don't think that's what's going on at all. I think she's determined to make up for lost time in her career so she's going balls to the wall, and is exhausted and stressed and sex is the last thing on her mind.

[Anonymous]

If she makes 20% of the income, it's a hobby. She has the luxury of doing what she loves because she doesn't have the burden and stress of absolutely having to supporting a family on the income. And she's been at it for three years -- that's plenty of time to get into the swing of things and re-establish an equitable work/life balance.

Work is more fun for her than boring old husband and kids. She's being selfish. And don't pretend like her being SAHM while he was working outside of the house was something she altruistically did solely for DH's benefit. He's making $500k per year. She obviously profits greatly from what she helped him achieve.

[Anonymous]

Outsource the crap work.
Be glad you are getting sex 1x a week, that's normal.
She should commit to being home for dinner more.
Implement a date night, again, outsource - babysitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, I would be SOOOOOOO disappointed if I had spent 7 years as a complete SAHM to support you in a career thus enabling you to make 500K a year and you came to me when I finally was able to go back to work and told me I was working to much. Honestly, it would be a marriage ending moment for me, because it would say my career and sense of self-worth are truly not important.

But you'd still take some of that money he managed to make, right? Even though, for the purposes of playing the martyr, you're pretending that you didn't benefit from the income the family receives through the husband's job?

[Anonymous]

Are there really that many people with kids who regularly skip dinner with kids. Dh makes far more than me and has an hours intensive job, but he is home for dinner the majority of the time, and I always am. Regardless of how invested op’s wife is in her career, working late that frequently is not good for her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she makes 20% of the income, it's a hobby. She has the luxury of doing what she loves because she doesn't have the burden and stress of absolutely having to supporting a family on the income. And she's been at it for three years -- that's plenty of time to get into the swing of things and re-establish an equitable work/life balance.

Work is more fun for her than boring old husband and kids. She's being selfish. And don't pretend like her being SAHM while he was working outside of the house was something she altruistically did solely for DH's benefit. He's making $500k per year. She obviously profits greatly from what she helped him achieve.

I would agree if her 20% is $20k, or $50k, or sure, $70k. But with DCUM salaries..... her 20% could be a freaking college education. Nothing to turn your nose up at.

After staying home for 7 years it will take time for her to get up to a reasonable ratio of HHI. That doesn't necessarily mean it's not worth the effort.

And as a woman, and a mother of daughters, I'd say it's important for the wife to have the ability to produce "only" $100k or what have you. A man is not a plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that it's her turn to reetablish her career. But missing dinner 90% of the time with her family is not okay. That makes me sad for the kids. I think she is working too much if that is the case.

Was it sad for the kids when DH was traveling and not even there for multiple days in a row?

Sexist double-standard employed at just the time when DW is re-establishing career.

OP, I would be SOOOOOOO disappointed if I had spent 7 years as a complete SAHM to support you in a career thus enabling you to make 500K a year and you came to me when I finally was able to go back to work and told me I was working to much. Honestly, it would be a marriage ending moment for me, because it would say my career and sense of self-worth are truly not important.

If you are concerned that your wife is wiped and comes home and vegetates, ask HER what would help HER. Coming home early may not be an option - some offices require face time to move up. some people have bosses who walk the halls and see who is there at 7pm and take mental note. Life was all about you for 7 years. IF you earn 500K, you can afford whatever supports she needs. But, it's not about what you need but what she needs. Is she happy vegging on the couch? Is she OK with not eating with the kids? Maybe you can do breakfast together instead of dinner. Stop trying to fit her in the traditional expecatations box when she already SAHMed for 7 years. She deserves a career too and not everyone gets to have it all at the same time. (You didn't clearly.)

And where do the kids factor into your equation? Doesn’t sound like op’s wife has much use for them either.

[Anonymous]

Guy here - if sex only once a week is your big problem.....then you have a problem! I bet when she was home as a mom she was all in in the job. Now she is all in in her new job. The issue for her is to find some kind of balance. You need to encourage her to do that without it being about you. It's about her and your kids, their needs not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, Let me give you another perspective. As a long-term SAH I have lost a lot of my identity. When I start to work in September I am going to make crazy sacrifices at a job I don't even like that much just to have a chance to become employed, i.e. human, again. My DH has a demanding job.

If we have sex once it's been a good month. I used to initiate, even pick fights about our low frequency but I do not because I am no longer physically attracted to DH. Whether I SAH or work 70 hours a week, that will not change. Baths, champagne and roses might make me feel guilty for turning him down but would not rekindle desire in any meaningful way.

I suspect that if it were up to your DW she would have sex with you far less frequently, not even every month. She probably obliges you because she did not feel able to refuse you during her SAH years. You made all the money, had all the power, she wasn't working. What credible excuse could she have for denying you? Now she is shifting the balance of power, becoming someone again in the larger society, instead of merely in your home. You will never go back to 3x weekly, not even if you hire 10 au pairs and eat out every night. This is a new phase in your marriage.

If I were you I would only try to negotiate on behalf of the kids now. If her job allows flexibility insist that she be home for dinner X nights a week. Make no other demands at this time. If you are faithful and patient and unselfish, perhaps your wife will allow you to continue to be married to her. In time the relationship can be reborn. Not now.

I hope you get some therapy soon, this is just bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she makes 20% of the income, it's a hobby. She has the luxury of doing what she loves because she doesn't have the burden and stress of absolutely having to supporting a family on the income. And she's been at it for three years -- that's plenty of time to get into the swing of things and re-establish an equitable work/life balance.

Work is more fun for her than boring old husband and kids. She's being selfish. And don't pretend like her being SAHM while he was working outside of the house was something she altruistically did solely for DH's benefit. He's making $500k per year. She obviously profits greatly from what she helped him achieve.

I would agree if her 20% is $20k, or $50k, or sure, $70k. But with DCUM salaries..... her 20% could be a freaking college education. Nothing to turn your nose up at.

After staying home for 7 years it will take time for her to get up to a reasonable ratio of HHI. That doesn't necessarily mean it's not worth the effort.

And as a woman, and a mother of daughters, I'd say it's important for the wife to have the ability to produce "only" $100k or what have you. A man is not a plan.

I’d say it’s more important any for both parents to be spending significant time with kids. We are talking about whether she should be working, but why she spends zero quality time with her family. What you are espousing is incredibly selfish. If op’s wife to focus all her time on her career, she should never have had kids. That is a perfectly fine choice. Too many dcum posters seem to have never wanted children and write post after post trying to justify that. Ignoring your children is not feminism.

[Anonymous]

Who are all these people who think sex once a week is normal.. No wonder why so many miserable people on this board.