WWYD? Serious BF dropped a bombshell on me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP just out of curiosity how old is he?

40

and since I know someone will ask, no he's never been married.

red alert

No. It's fine. Most men don't even really mature until late 30's or early 40's anyway.
Though hopefully he isn't 'set in his ways'. He must have had numerous girlfriends so he can't be that inflexible.

That's right ladies. Never forget. On DCUM if you're a woman, you're "damaged goods" if not married by 29. But men don't even mature enough to get married until 42. Thanks for clearing that up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP just out of curiosity how old is he?

40

and since I know someone will ask, no he's never been married.

red alert

No. It's fine. Most men don't even really mature until late 30's or early 40's anyway.
Though hopefully he isn't 'set in his ways'. He must have had numerous girlfriends so he can't be that inflexible.

At 40, in a high-earning career, with apparently quite rigid and traditional viewpoints of how families should run, plus ostentatiously "chivalrous" behavior ... yeah, this all adds up to a picture of a very PARTICULAR sort of guy. Who could be a great match for some women. But should probably give a woman looking for an equal partner in parenting & home-making the heebie jeebies.

well she said she liked this until she found out about the SAHM preference. I think it sounds ideal, personally. I wish my husband was more like this guy.

[Anonymous]

His dad abandoned his family and they had money problems, so he thinks it makes sense for a woman to SAH? Does he understand the contradiction in that?

His ability to be flexible, understand your POV, and adapt to changing circumstances are what matter here. If you feel like he doesn't hear you or is rigidly committed to imposing a view on you, then it's a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. You don't think it's controlling for him to have this idea in his head of how things are going to go? He's obviously looking for any woman who will fit into his ideal instead of the other way around. I've known guys like this, who go around with a checklist in their heads. I don't think it's a healthy way to approach a relationship.

Ok, let's take a step back here. First, it's not controlling for someone to have an idea of how they would like their life to be! I also don't think we have enough information to assume that he has some sort of "checklist" and is looking for any women who fits his criteria. Plenty of men are not like that. My DH had very strong views on his future wife taking his last name, which we discussed from time to time when we were dating. I told him up front that I never wanted to change my name. Fast forward 15 years, we're still married and I never took his last name! He had an idea of how he wanted things to be but in the end was flexible enough to let go of the idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His dad abandoned his family and they had money problems, so he thinks it makes sense for a woman to SAH? Does he understand the contradiction in that?

His ability to be flexible, understand your POV, and adapt to changing circumstances are what matter here. If you feel like he doesn't hear you or is rigidly committed to imposing a view on you, then it's a problem.

It's probably one of those things where he saw firsthand how hard being a single working mom was on his family and doesn't want that kind of lifestyle for his kids. I had a somewhat similar experience that shaped what I saw for my future - I grew up poor and so was determined that my kids would have a much much higher standard of living than I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if you don’t want him, I’ll take him!

He sounds like a dream come true.

That's the point of this thread. OP has no intention of giving up her BF.

[Anonymous]

Joint counseling? To the extent there are communication issues, this could help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There may be a big value difference here. Does he have other rigid gender expectations that make you uncomfortable (like criticizing the way you dress if it's not "feminine" enough; homophobia; comments about boys being "girly")?

I'd also be wary about rigidity in general. He should have the self-awareness to know that the decision about how to raise kids is a huge one, and not one you can impose on someone.

I'd also be worried about magical thinking -- that having a SAHW will cure his childhood by proxy.

Being rigid in general would be a deal breaker for me. I would want to know more about his SAH vision as well as where it comes from. Is he willing to discuss it more? Will the marriage be an equal partnership if you SAH? In other words what’s in it for you? In all fairness you should each consider the others perspective.
If he won’t discuss it then the fact that it is closed for discussion is the bigger problem. Rigidity is bad for marriage.

[Anonymous]

I never thought I would want to stay home with my kids either, but then I had kids. Working full time and commuting with little ones was exhausting. I quit when I realized my childcare in this area was going to be nearly $1,900 a month for two kids while I brought home very little. Now I have my own business and run my own schedule.

[Anonymous]

It's okay to have a checklist of characteristics that you want in a partner. But realistically, any sort of committed relationship requires some sort of compromise and flexibility even if the potential partner meets your "requirements." The OP's bf could find a woman who in theory wants to be sahp. But what happens if she realizes that she's not cut out to be a sahp and misses her career? Is he really going to insist that she stay home even if it makes her miserable?

Also, the bf and OP have been dating for 6 months. He should know her well enough to know that her career is important to her. If it's so important that his future wife be a sahp, then shouldn't he actively seek a woman who is also looking for that kind of arrangement? It never bodes well for a relationship if one person wants to change the other.

[Anonymous]

How much do you make?
Only you know if this issue is a deal-breaker for you.
Have you told him what you think? The fact that you haven't is the red flag for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So things have been getting serious with my BF. Dating 6 months, checks all the right boxes: handsome, intelligent, ambitious, hard worker, kind, etc. My parents and friends adore him. I really thought he was the one. Recently he told me that if he had children, he’d want the mother to quit working and be a SAHM full time. He said it means a lot to him as he had a less than stellar childhood (dad abandoned them, money issues, moved around a lot). Reading between the lines, I guess he wants a chance at a redo? Idk. I didn’t really understand the explanation fully but I do get the sense that it’s a deal breaker. It’s really thrown me though as I don’t see myself SAH.

He’s a great guy. Owns his own business, does well. Very good looking, fit, works out, has charming old fashioned values (opens the door, pays for dates, always calls or texts when he says he is going to, brings my mom flowers, treats his mom like gold, etc.). What to do? I’m 31. My career isn’t everything to me but it does give me an important sense of purpose and identity. Anyone else experience this? How did you handle it?

I haven’t read any of the responses but my immediate thoughts would be

- how involved does he intend to be with his children? Would he plan to abdicate responsibility for anything other than a paycheck because spouse is SAH? Is the SAH mom doing it all or is there any help involved? I’m not into being a single mom in all but name only. That would be a dealbreaker for me.
- how would he handle if his wife doesn’t have a social outlet? How would he be supportive in that regards? Again, I keep picturing being with the baby all day with no adult interaction while DH is going out to happy hours and interacting with adults all day.
-on the other hand the OP doesn’t know if dual income with two kids and a husband with a demanding job would make you wish you could SAH or if there are other situations where that would make sense. You could kick this guy to the curb now, and end up changing what you want to do based on how you feel and what else is going on at that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to him more about it. Maybe he thinks you'd like that and said that because he'd also like it but it isn't a deal breaker to him.

No I kind of freaked out. I said “are you joking? It’s not 1950.” And then he went on to explain about his dad abandoning them, as if that had anything to do with anything in the present. He basically said it’s really important to him and that’s where we left it.

My son said the same thing to his wife and her reply was just like yours. He divorced her.

[Anonymous]

He makes upper six figures - so you won’t need to work which is an awesome luxury - I would not break up over this - I took on a more flexible job doing exactly what I want because I can and I love it - works well w kids schedule and everyone is happy - highly recommend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to him more about it. Maybe he thinks you'd like that and said that because he'd also like it but it isn't a deal breaker to him.

No I kind of freaked out. I said “are you joking? It’s not 1950.” And then he went on to explain about his dad abandoning them, as if that had anything to do with anything in the present. He basically said it’s really important to him and that’s where we left it.

That was an inappropriate and dismissive response.