WWYD? Serious BF dropped a bombshell on me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman who thought would never want to stay at home with my kids. Then I had one, and I could totally see how kids benefit from having a mom who stays at home. I would not break up with him over this. You really don't know how you will feel until you have the kids.

This. 100%

And many women thought they wanted to be SAHM unil they actually were one and hate it. It works both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster and to me it's a bombshell. My father was abandoned by his father, and my father expected my mom to stay home. Trouble was, he didn't make enough money. And what he earned he kept for himself. We always had financial issues growing up and I learned to never depend on a man for financial security. So I would never, NEVER stay at home.

Part of my father's insistence that my mother stay home is that he felt threatened by a woman making more money than him. And at the time, my mother was. So that's something I'd look for, too. What type of power structure does he envision in the partnership/marriage?

Now, other women feel differently and feel secure in the fact their man will provide. But then another question arises: do you enjoy staying home with kids all flipping day? Not everyone does. So consider that, too. And unfortunately, that's a hard one to gauge until you actually have kids and have to do it.

It's fine for this guy to want that. And it's great that he has stated it up front. But yes, it might be a dealbreaker.

Well, according to many of the posters in this thread you have unresolved issues from your childhood that you’re now working through your family by rigidly stating you would “never, NEVER” stay at home. Personally, I have no problem with you learning from your childhood, but be prepared for many people to tell you that you need therapy.

Absolutely no one said it's wrong to learn from your childhood. But continue to pout and sulk like the moron you are.

[Anonymous]

Op, you need to be as clear with him as you're being here. You have doubts. You letting him control the agenda is what's worse, not one outcome vs another. Why does he get to decide? He doesn' t. That' s the problem. Instead, the discussion should continue with both of you contributing your thoughts equally, and both of you valuing equally each other's perspective. If you aren't an equal partner, stay at home or not, it's not healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster and to me it's a bombshell. My father was abandoned by his father, and my father expected my mom to stay home. Trouble was, he didn't make enough money. And what he earned he kept for himself. We always had financial issues growing up and I learned to never depend on a man for financial security. So I would never, NEVER stay at home.

Part of my father's insistence that my mother stay home is that he felt threatened by a woman making more money than him. And at the time, my mother was. So that's something I'd look for, too. What type of power structure does he envision in the partnership/marriage?

Now, other women feel differently and feel secure in the fact their man will provide. But then another question arises: do you enjoy staying home with kids all flipping day? Not everyone does. So consider that, too. And unfortunately, that's a hard one to gauge until you actually have kids and have to do it.

It's fine for this guy to want that. And it's great that he has stated it up front. But yes, it might be a dealbreaker.

Well, according to many of the posters in this thread you have unresolved issues from your childhood that you’re now working through your family by rigidly stating you would “never, NEVER” stay at home. Personally, I have no problem with you learning from your childhood, but be prepared for many people to tell you that you need therapy.

Absolutely no one said it's wrong to learn from your childhood. But continue to pout and sulk like the moron you are.

And nowhere did OP’s boyfriend suggest that he was hung up on his childhood. She said that “reading between the lines” he wanted a redo. From that little snippet everybody has jumped on idea that OP’s boyfriend needs therapy to work through unresolved issues. PP that I quoted expressed in much stronger terms how her childhood experiences continue to impact her view of the world. If it was fair to diagnose OP’s boyfriend as needing therapy it would certainly be just as fair to diagnose PP. But this is DCUM, where a man expressing sentiment X is always viewed in the worst possible light but a woman expressing the same sentiment is viewed in the best possible light.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster and to me it's a bombshell. My father was abandoned by his father, and my father expected my mom to stay home. Trouble was, he didn't make enough money. And what he earned he kept for himself. We always had financial issues growing up and I learned to never depend on a man for financial security. So I would never, NEVER stay at home.

Part of my father's insistence that my mother stay home is that he felt threatened by a woman making more money than him. And at the time, my mother was. So that's something I'd look for, too. What type of power structure does he envision in the partnership/marriage?

Now, other women feel differently and feel secure in the fact their man will provide. But then another question arises: do you enjoy staying home with kids all flipping day? Not everyone does. So consider that, too. And unfortunately, that's a hard one to gauge until you actually have kids and have to do it.

It's fine for this guy to want that. And it's great that he has stated it up front. But yes, it might be a dealbreaker.

Well, according to many of the posters in this thread you have unresolved issues from your childhood that you’re now working through your family by rigidly stating you would “never, NEVER” stay at home. Personally, I have no problem with you learning from your childhood, but be prepared for many people to tell you that you need therapy.

Absolutely no one said it's wrong to learn from your childhood. But continue to pout and sulk like the moron you are.

And nowhere did OP’s boyfriend suggest that he was hung up on his childhood. She said that “reading between the lines” he wanted a redo. From that little snippet everybody has jumped on idea that OP’s boyfriend needs therapy to work through unresolved issues. PP that I quoted expressed in much stronger terms how her childhood experiences continue to impact her view of the world. If it was fair to diagnose OP’s boyfriend as needing therapy it would certainly be just as fair to diagnose PP. But this is DCUM, where a man expressing sentiment X is always viewed in the worst possible light but a woman expressing the same sentiment is viewed in the best possible light.

Clearly you have your own agenda and clearly, you didn't even bother to read the first page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Firstly, this isn't a bombshell. A bombshell is
" I have two kids.","
i used to be a woman,"
"this is my first relationship with woman I'm trying out being hetero"
" I believe my cat is my lord and savior."
"I think women lie about rape."

What your boyfriend told you is the kind of stuff you should be talking about as you get to know each other.

Personally, I would be against anyone rigidly committed to one way or the other. So talk to him and see how flexible he is.

The point is that if OP considers it a bombshell, it's extremely unlikely to be a workable relationship. FWIW, I posted above about DH saying early-ish in our relationships that he thinks it's nicer to have a SAHP. If DH had stated what OP's BF said the way she is presenting it, I would have run for the hills. I think ti's relevant that at the time DH was 27, not 40. Also that my now-DH very clearly stated it as an observation based on his own childhood but not as a strong preference.

[Anonymous]

I’d consider it a bombshell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you need to be as clear with him as you're being here. You have doubts. You letting him control the agenda is what's worse, not one outcome vs another. Why does he get to decide? He doesn' t. That' s the problem. Instead, the discussion should continue with both of you contributing your thoughts equally, and both of you valuing equally each other's perspective. If you aren't an equal partner, stay at home or not, it's not healthy.

+1000

[Anonymous]

I have never met a man who actively wanted a SAHM for whom at least 25% of the reason was to make it hard, if not impossible, for the woman to ever leave. Lots of men end up with SAHM wives because it ends up making sense or being desired by the wife, but among men who state an up front preference, this is often a huge piece of the rationale, although many will not admit it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never met a man who actively wanted a SAHM for whom at least 25% of the reason was to make it hard, if not impossible, for the woman to ever leave. Lots of men end up with SAHM wives because it ends up making sense or being desired by the wife, but among men who state an up front preference, this is often a huge piece of the rationale, although many will not admit it.

Ah, so she will be captured and thus never have a broken home like he grew up with? Interesting theory, though I think few men really ever want to keep their wives forever when they are this wealthy and younger options abound.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. You don't think it's controlling for him to have this idea in his head of how things are going to go? He's obviously looking for any woman who will fit into his ideal instead of the other way around. I've known guys like this, who go around with a checklist in their heads. I don't think it's a healthy way to approach a relationship.

That's silly. We all have a checklist. Mine included not staying home, so I would not have married a man who would insist on that. Of course circumstances change and sometimes we make decisions we never would have predicted, like the pp with the special needs kids. But if your world views are not compatible from the start, it's not a great sign.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. You don't think it's controlling for him to have this idea in his head of how things are going to go? He's obviously looking for any woman who will fit into his ideal instead of the other way around. I've known guys like this, who go around with a checklist in their heads. I don't think it's a healthy way to approach a relationship.

That's silly. We all have a checklist. Mine included not staying home, so I would not have married a man who would insist on that. Of course circumstances change and sometimes we make decisions we never would have predicted, like the pp with the special needs kids. But if your world views are not compatible from the start, it's not a great sign.

But he's RICH!! SQUEEE!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Op, these are important values that he has. You must be honest and tell him how very different you are.

Marriage between you both will NOT work out for either one of you. You should have brought this up much sooner.

Why didn't you?

Crickets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Op, these are important values that he has. You must be honest and tell him how very different you are.

Marriage between you both will NOT work out for either one of you. You should have brought this up much sooner.

Why didn't you?

Crickets.

It's clear from OP's response to her BF that is pretty young (maybe 30?), and she is seeing a very nice life with this man, so why rock the boat?

As Cuba said: SHOW ME THE MONEY!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Op, these are important values that he has. You must be honest and tell him how very different you are.

Marriage between you both will NOT work out for either one of you. You should have brought this up much sooner.

Why didn't you?

Crickets.

They've been dating 6 mos. This is a reasonable time to be bringing up this topic. It may turn into a dealbreaker, but I don't fault OP for not bringing it up sooner. I also agree with her that in 2017, the default expectation is probably that a woman will want the option to WOH. Expecting someone to want to be a SAHM is the minority position.