WWYD? Serious BF dropped a bombshell on me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to him more about it. Maybe he thinks you'd like that and said that because he'd also like it but it isn't a deal breaker to him.

No I kind of freaked out. I said “are you joking? It’s not 1950.” And then he went on to explain about his dad abandoning them, as if that had anything to do with anything in the present. He basically said it’s really important to him and that’s where we left it.

My son said the same thing to his wife and her reply was just like yours. He divorced her.

You say this like you don’t think it’s a big deal that he divorced his wife because she didn’t want to be a sahm.

You didn’t think this was crazy?

[Anonymous]

You’re going to marry him OP just admit it. You’d be a fool to pass him up.

[Anonymous]

You would have to be an idiot to give up your career for a guy that may or may not be there for you in 10 years. I really shouldn’t have to say more than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP just out of curiosity how old is he?

40

and since I know someone will ask, no he's never been married.

red alert

No. It's fine. Most men don't even really mature until late 30's or early 40's anyway.
Though hopefully he isn't 'set in his ways'. He must have had numerous girlfriends so he can't be that inflexible.

That's right ladies. Never forget. On DCUM if you're a woman, you're "damaged goods" if not married by 29. But men don't even mature enough to get married until 42. Thanks for clearing that up.

Well if a guy wants to have several children and wants to avoid the exponential difficulties associated with geriatric pregnancies that makes sense. Can’t really do much about biology.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s good he brought it up 6 mos in. You guys can both walk away if it doesn’t work out.

Balls in your court OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to him more about it. Maybe he thinks you'd like that and said that because he'd also like it but it isn't a deal breaker to him.

No I kind of freaked out. I said “are you joking? It’s not 1950.” And then he went on to explain about his dad abandoning them, as if that had anything to do with anything in the present. He basically said it’s really important to him and that’s where we left it.

If you're that serious as a couple, get couples counseling. Now, not later; before you move any further toward marriage and kids.

He might need to hear this from a counselor rather than from you, but if he has never gotten therapy (individual) to work through how his dad's abandonment affects him now--he needs to get that therapy for his own sake and for your future's sake, if you and he are heading toward marriage.

He can't merely announce that he expects X of his eventual wife "because my dad did this bad thing to me/mom" and think that's the end of the conversation. That opens the door for "I need X, Y, Z in our relationship/in raising our kids because my dad left us." That may not end with "I need you to be an SAHM," you realize, right? That's why he needs to work on his issues from his past. I too don't see how the abandonment equals demanding a SAH wife either, OP, though maybe it's part of a larger "Happy Perfect Traditional Family" image he's nursing. If that's the case, if he loves you he needs to be self-aware enough to accept that maybe his demand is not realistic or supportive if you want to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He makes upper six figures - so you won’t need to work which is an awesome luxury - I would not break up over this - I took on a more flexible job doing exactly what I want because I can and I love it - works well w kids schedule and everyone is happy - highly recommend

She assumes he makes that money from his consumption. Honestly, quant fund with low fees is an oxymoron; generally you are a quant with a big brain physics PhDs and people throw money at you b/c of your returns; if they want a value proposition they would do indexes or robot advisor. It sounds like he is a bit of a salesman, both to his customers and his girlfriends.


Honestly, this guy is a player, single at 40 with flashy lifestyle. I honestly don't think he is looking for a career minded wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re going to marry him OP just admit it. You’d be a fool to pass him up.

+1

Good looking, hard working, rich, kind, chivalrous, good to his mother? Guys like that don’t exactly grow on trees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He makes upper six figures - so you won’t need to work which is an awesome luxury - I would not break up over this - I took on a more flexible job doing exactly what I want because I can and I love it - works well w kids schedule and everyone is happy - highly recommend

She assumes he makes that money from his consumption. Honestly, quant fund with low fees is an oxymoron; generally you are a quant with a big brain physics PhDs and people throw money at you b/c of your returns; if they want a value proposition they would do indexes or robot advisor. It sounds like he is a bit of a salesman, both to his customers and his girlfriends.


Honestly, this guy is a player, single at 40 with flashy lifestyle. I honestly don't think he is looking for a career minded wife.

She said she knows how much is in the fund he runs. It’s easy enough to walk it backwards, especially if you have help from other clues, like consumption.

[Anonymous]

If this guy was 28, I’d shrug it off. Often young guys are trying to figure out what a family will look like and the most appealing alternative becomes a Brady Bunch/Waltons kind of scenario; yet they aren’t wedded to that as much as they say. You can usually just talk with them to get some comfort that when the time comes, you two would work together to find the work/home balance that works – and then let it go until there is a pregnancy.

But OP’s dude is 40. At that age he has had a LOT of time to envision his family life and he’s not getting any more flexible. From what OP has said, he is likely thinking (i) I had an effed up family and the best families I knew where the ones where dad made all the money and mom raised the kids full time and that’s what my kids will have; and (ii) I bust my ass to make 900k/yr (that’s what upper 6 figures suggests to me), I will NOT come home to no hot meal on the table, an unclean house or dirty kids and I will NOT be getting up in the middle of the night to a crying kid or to change diapers; I will make the money and my wife will handle those things.

Let’s be real OP -- a guy who is rich, nice, and attractive and 40 has had chances to settle down; chances are he has broken it off with women before who don’t fit his vision for family life. Honestly, I’d bring this up with him very directly. Don’t beat around the bush but one night when you’re sitting around – just bring it up and raise all the scenarios. What if I wanted to go back to work after babies? What about the fact that I’ve put x years into my career and if I leave it, I won’t be able to get back in 18 yrs later? What if I’m unhappy as a SAHM? See what he says (and what he doesn’t say but implies). If he doesn’t even want to work thru these scenarios and takes the tone of (i) I make a LOT of money you don’t have to work, you can just run an etsy shop and be a PTA mom; or (ii) kids needs their mom – you’re the woman, that’s just the way it is so deal – then you know that while he may be a great guy, he isn’t a great guy for you.

[Anonymous]

It’s another of his old fashioned values. Why are you surprised?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if you don’t want him, I’ll take him!

He sounds like a dream come true.

Me too

[Anonymous]

I would consider us fundamentally incompatible. I would not be interested in a man who wanted to dictate that I give you my career, and I would never choose to give up my career. One of the many things I like about my DH is that his mom was an ibanker and he has always encouraged me to be professionally ambitious. Of course YMMV - if staying at home were important to you too, you would be a good fit. But it doesn't sound like you feel that way.

[Anonymous]

You obviously need to discuss this more OP. It shouldn’t be a dealbreaker. You don’t know what it’s like to be a parent yet and either does he. It can all change. The good news is that you both seem to want children. There should be a wAy to compromise in this situation assuming your both reasonable people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I never thought I would want to stay home with my kids either, but then I had kids. Working full time and commuting with little ones was exhausting. I quit when I realized my childcare in this area was going to be nearly $1,900 a month for two kids while I brought home very little. Now I have my own business and run my own schedule. [/quote

But presumably you got to decide if you wanted to be a SAHM correct? You DH didn't dictate to you that you would be, and he would have been fine if decided to go back to work and put the bay in daycare or with a nanny correct?