WWYD? Serious BF dropped a bombshell on me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he make enough to support a family? Most guys don't, so this conversation is a non starter.

He does actually, I don’t know specifics regarding #s but, considering where he lives, what kind of car he drives, his hobbies, etc., I think he makes what I consider to be a lot of money (I would guess high six figures).

That’s also why his staying at home is a total non starter. He owns and runs his own successful business. He’s not going to give that up.

A nonstarter to him, or to you? Because everyone has the right to their own labor. It can be a nonstarter to do unpaid labor, no matter how much your job makes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be most worried that he sees kids as his chance to relive his childhood. Any actual kids won't cooperate with that fantasy.

Oh come on!!!! You are grasping and you know it.

That is OP's interpretation of what he wants. And every single one of us wanted our kids to have better childhoods than we had. I see absolutely nothing wrong with what this guys is saying.

When a woman on DCUM tries to defend her SAH status all of you chime in to support her, but a guy can't voice his preference for this.

Preference is very different from dictating (before you even have kids) how it's going to work out. What if OP agreed, but then got PPD and felt she needed to go back to work? What if she was just bored after a year? These are decisions that are made as a COUPLE, not in isolation by one person.

[Anonymous]

Don't sweat it yet.

The SAH moms on this board love that stuff! You might have a chance of heart (or he will) along the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be most worried that he sees kids as his chance to relive his childhood. Any actual kids won't cooperate with that fantasy.

Oh come on!!!! You are grasping and you know it.

That is OP's interpretation of what he wants. And every single one of us wanted our kids to have better childhoods than we had. I see absolutely nothing wrong with what this guys is saying.

When a woman on DCUM tries to defend her SAH status all of you chime in to support her, but a guy can't voice his preference for this.

Of course he can and should voice his preferences. But he doesn't seem like he's open to negotiation. If it's a dealbreaker for him, then the relationship with OP is over.

[Anonymous]

His lack of a good home has probably led to emotional shortcomings and his good mannerisms are probably more learned behavior that he acquired through observation rather than a loving home.

Your mind is probably telling you he is a great guy - but the lack of a loving home with a father has most likely has stunted certain emotions that provide a woman’s biology with comfort. These type of men tend to run their homes and families by checklist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he make enough to support a family? Most guys don't, so this conversation is a non starter.

He does actually, I don’t know specifics regarding #s but, considering where he lives, what kind of car he drives, his hobbies, etc., I think he makes what I consider to be a lot of money (I would guess high six figures).

That’s also why his staying at home is a total non starter. He owns and runs his own successful business. He’s not going to give that up.

Basically, he is saying that he wants any future kids to be taken care of by a parent and he is willing to support that financially and emotionally. Sounds reasonable to me.
I am on the other side of this so consider the perspective.
Never thought I would SAH and then I had a baby-dh and I worked out a schedule. I worked pt and he had his own business and took care of our daughter (now a college freshman) when I was working. When we had baby #2 and then #3, I stayed home for a few years. Best years.
Back at work now and miss those days. Don't knock it until you tried it but let him know that you are not sure how motherhood will play out for you.
And we are not a super high HHI family.

[Anonymous]

This isn't about whether OP may ultimately end up enjoying staying home with kids. This is about the fact that the bf sounds like this is a non negotiable requirement for him. So OP would not have the choice once kids were born. Sure, maybe she has babies with this guy and is in a new phase of life and wants to stay home. But maybe not. Don't commit to a guy who only gives you the first option.

All that said, i'd talk to him about this and, duh, tell him what you're thinking.

Also, agree with the other poster who said why should you be surprised about this given that he is an extremely traditional guy otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be most worried that he sees kids as his chance to relive his childhood. Any actual kids won't cooperate with that fantasy.

Oh come on!!!! You are grasping and you know it.

That is OP's interpretation of what he wants. And every single one of us wanted our kids to have better childhoods than we had. I see absolutely nothing wrong with what this guys is saying.

When a woman on DCUM tries to defend her SAH status all of you chime in to support her, but a guy can't voice his preference for this.

Preference is very different from dictating (before you even have kids) how it's going to work out. What if OP agreed, but then got PPD and felt she needed to go back to work? What if she was just bored after a year? These are decisions that are made as a COUPLE, not in isolation by one person.

Again, grasping (or projecting) for something not even mentioned in OP. The guy has every right to express his preferences for how he wants his children to grow up. May not be for OP, but I think to crucify him for speaking out about what he wants is just wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about whether OP may ultimately end up enjoying staying home with kids. This is about the fact that the bf sounds like this is a non negotiable requirement for him. So OP would not have the choice once kids were born. Sure, maybe she has babies with this guy and is in a new phase of life and wants to stay home. But maybe not. Don't commit to a guy who only gives you the first option.

All that said, i'd talk to him about this and, duh, tell him what you're thinking.

Also, agree with the other poster who said why should you be surprised about this given that he is an extremely traditional guy otherwise.

Um I’m going to guess that it’s because it’s the year 2017 and most women work?

[Anonymous]

OP if you don’t want him, I’ll take him!

He sounds like a dream come true.

[Anonymous]

I had a very similar exchange with my wife of 20 years when we first started dating in college. I expressed my opinion that kids do better with a parent who stayed home. I said I didn't have strong opinions as to whether the mother or father stayed home but, because of our likely career trajectories, it was clear that, financially, she'd be the most likely person to stay home. She was pretty mad about it, but I said that it was only my opinion -- if she didn't want to stay home, I wouldn't expect her to.

We didn't have kids for about another 6 years after that. In the meantime, we'd gotten married and she had become a teacher. As a teacher, she had the strong sense that the kids who were better in class were very often the ones who had a stay at home parent. (Also, I think the non-teaching aspects of her job were wearing on her). Consequently, she had changed her mind on staying home.

She started her own work from home business while the kids were little and has progressively grown it larger and larger as the kids have required less of her time. She's far happier with her job now than she was as a teacher.

Just one family's story, but this doesn't have to mean the relationship is doomed.

[Anonymous]

Total deal breaker. This is 2017. If having a sah parent is important to him, then he should do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a very similar exchange with my wife of 20 years when we first started dating in college. I expressed my opinion that kids do better with a parent who stayed home. I said I didn't have strong opinions as to whether the mother or father stayed home but, because of our likely career trajectories, it was clear that, financially, she'd be the most likely person to stay home. She was pretty mad about it, but I said that it was only my opinion -- if she didn't want to stay home, I wouldn't expect her to.

We didn't have kids for about another 6 years after that. In the meantime, we'd gotten married and she had become a teacher. As a teacher, she had the strong sense that the kids who were better in class were very often the ones who had a stay at home parent. (Also, I think the non-teaching aspects of her job were wearing on her). Consequently, she had changed her mind on staying home.

She started her own work from home business while the kids were little and has progressively grown it larger and larger as the kids have required less of her time. She's far happier with her job now than she was as a teacher.

Just one family's story, but this doesn't have to mean the relationship is doomed.

And in that phrase is all the difference in the world.

[Anonymous]

Tell him to stay him and be the maid and nanny.

Real women work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to him more about it. Maybe he thinks you'd like that and said that because he'd also like it but it isn't a deal breaker to him.

No I kind of freaked out. I said “are you joking? It’s not 1950.” And then he went on to explain about his dad abandoning them, as if that had anything to do with anything in the present. He basically said it’s really important to him and that’s where we left it.

Has he been to therapy ever?