WWYD? Serious BF dropped a bombshell on me
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Anonymous
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So things have been getting serious with my BF. Dating 6 months, checks all the right boxes: handsome, intelligent, ambitious, hard worker, kind, etc. My parents and friends adore him. I really thought he was the one. Recently he told me that if he had children, he’d want the mother to quit working and be a SAHM full time. He said it means a lot to him as he had a less than stellar childhood (dad abandoned them, money issues, moved around a lot). Reading between the lines, I guess he wants a chance at a redo? Idk. I didn’t really understand the explanation fully but I do get the sense that it’s a deal breaker. It’s really thrown me though as I don’t see myself SAH.
He’s a great guy. Owns his own business, does well. Very good looking, fit, works out, has charming old fashioned values (opens the door, pays for dates, always calls or texts when he says he is going to, brings my mom flowers, treats his mom like gold, etc.). What to do? I’m 31. My career isn’t everything to me but it does give me an important sense of purpose and identity. Anyone else experience this? How did you handle it? |
Anonymous
| I would talk to him more about it. Maybe he thinks you'd like that and said that because he'd also like it but it isn't a deal breaker to him. |
Anonymous
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What did you say when he said this? Did you ask, "what if your wife doesn't want to quit working?" Or, "Why do you think that a happy childhood requires a SAHM?" Or, "What about all the people with moms who worked who had great childhoods?" Because that's the real issue--we all want things, but what happens if what you want and what your partner want differ?
Because here's the thing--he might be a great guy, but if he's totally inflexible on this, and it's not something you wholeheartedly agree with, he's not a great guy for you. |
Anonymous
No I kind of freaked out. I said “are you joking? It’s not 1950.” And then he went on to explain about his dad abandoning them, as if that had anything to do with anything in the present. He basically said it’s really important to him and that’s where we left it. |
Anonymous
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You two need to talk more. What about being home with the kids until they go to elementary school? What about THE FATHER being the stay at home parent?
There's a lot to unpack. Consider the fact that my mother WAS a stay at home mom and that significantly contributed to my less than stellar childhood, and began a pattern of her suffocating me until I got old enough to set boundaries. My mother never made my breakfast or lunch. There were never warm cookies coming out of the oven when I got home from school. My mother was never the class mom. She went on one field trip when I was in K, and another when I was in 6th, and that's it. She wasn't on the PTA. So having a stay at home mom is not always the dream life for children. |
Anonymous
| Does he make enough to support a family? Most guys don't, so this conversation is a non starter. |
Anonymous
| Well, you seemed to like his "charming, old-fashioned values," and this is one of them. |
Anonymous
| Sorry, this would be a red flag for me. Because it probably means that he has traditional ideas about gender roles and SAH or not, you will end up doing 99% of the work relating to any kids. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like he is envisioning an ideal that doesn’t really exist: mom devoting all to kids and house and waiting for kids with chocolate chip cookies when they get home from school. |
Anonymous
| I am a woman who thought would never want to stay at home with my kids. Then I had one, and I could totally see how kids benefit from having a mom who stays at home. I would not break up with him over this. You really don't know how you will feel until you have the kids. |
Anonymous
| I'd be most worried that he sees kids as his chance to relive his childhood. Any actual kids won't cooperate with that fantasy. |
Anonymous
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There may be a big value difference here. Does he have other rigid gender expectations that make you uncomfortable (like criticizing the way you dress if it's not "feminine" enough; homophobia; comments about boys being "girly")?
I'd also be wary about rigidity in general. He should have the self-awareness to know that the decision about how to raise kids is a huge one, and not one you can impose on someone. I'd also be worried about magical thinking -- that having a SAHW will cure his childhood by proxy. |
Anonymous
He does actually, I don’t know specifics regarding #s but, considering where he lives, what kind of car he drives, his hobbies, etc., I think he makes what I consider to be a lot of money (I would guess high six figures). That’s also why his staying at home is a total non starter. He owns and runs his own successful business. He’s not going to give that up. |
Anonymous
uh, that goes both ways ... the problem isn't so much that he things having a SAHM is a good thing, but that he has a rigid expectation about it without reference to the actual woman who would be doing the work, or the actual experience of having kids. |
Anonymous
Oh come on!!!! You are grasping and you know it. That is OP's interpretation of what he wants. And every single one of us wanted our kids to have better childhoods than we had. I see absolutely nothing wrong with what this guys is saying. When a woman on DCUM tries to defend her SAH status all of you chime in to support her, but a guy can't voice his preference for this. |