WWYD? Serious BF dropped a bombshell on me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be most worried that he sees kids as his chance to relive his childhood. Any actual kids won't cooperate with that fantasy.

Oh come on!!!! You are grasping and you know it.

That is OP's interpretation of what he wants. And every single one of us wanted our kids to have better childhoods than we had. I see absolutely nothing wrong with what this guys is saying.

When a woman on DCUM tries to defend her SAH status all of you chime in to support her, but a guy can't voice his preference for this.

Of course he can and should voice his preferences. But he doesn't seem like he's open to negotiation. If it's a dealbreaker for him, then the relationship with OP is over.

Yes. But that still doesn't address his explanation, which is terrible - he had a bad childhood and having a SAHW will somehow fix that? I don't know his life, but I do that it wasn't the only/main problem if it was that bad.

And I don't want my kids to have a "better" childhood than me. My parents were/are awesome, so I'd be thrilled if my kids get the same as me. People trying to deal with the past through the own kids never works out. Their parents were too strict, so they wind up being too lenient, or the opposite. Deal with your past on your own time, and then parent your kids. The linkage is, or should be, concerning.

[Anonymous]

I will say that I NEVER thought I would be a SAHM. I'm more of a WAHM - though part time. But I have to admit - I didn't work much when they were toddlers. If I had time off - I just wanted to do all the other things I needed to do or sit still. Two things: it is much, much easier to run a family with one parent having a flexible schedule. Even though i would like to go back to work full time right now - it would add too much stress so I just continue my work and am trying to build on it. And that leads into #2 - just because you SAH - doesn't mean you can't work. I had at least a half time nanny when the kids were young. And once they start school. There are all sorts of compromises.

Then again - it does lead to imbalances - real or perceived - which can be a PITA. I feel that I do not contribute as much financially so "feel" like I have less say. Mind you - it is mostly (key) word in my mind!

[Anonymous]

I would talk it through more before doing anything...but your picture of him as fairly old-fashioned in other ways suggests that this could be fairly central to his view of his ideal family etc. If he adores you, he might be willing to compromise on it...but it's a fairly big thing to compromise on given that you don't seem to have any inclination toward SAH at all.

For some perspective, my MIL was a SAHM when DH was in elementary school. He commented, sort of early on, that he thought it was really nice to have a parent SAH with little kids. I joked something about his staying him if we had kids, and he didn't balk. He was also very careful to say "one parent" instead of wanting to marry a future SAHM. At some point the conversations around building a life together and having kids got more serious...and he offered before I even mentioned it that my staying home was a non-starter, because he didn't think I would ever be happy as a SAHM.

My point is that my initial advice was not because I think people can't have preferences or ideas about SAHPs. It's just that you are not presenting him as someone who is likely to be flexible on his ideas.

[Anonymous]

None of what he believes matters.

What matters is whether he can be flexible and adaptable, and sensitive to other people's needs. There may come a time when it might be good to have a stay-at-home parent (if one of your children has special needs, for instance - this is what happened to me), or there might not.

So it's hard to predict. You can try to suss it out by dissecting his relationships with others, strangers and co-workers and family members. The proverbial analysis of his treatment of the restaurant waiter, for instance. Is it always his way or the highway? Is he usually persuadable by you?

You have some thinking to do, and some discussions to have with him, but right now this is not a deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman who thought would never want to stay at home with my kids. Then I had one, and I could totally see how kids benefit from having a mom who stays at home. I would not break up with him over this. You really don't know how you will feel until you have the kids.

+1 I was a wohm until a few years ago. The stress of two wohp was hurting our relationship/family. I never ever thought I would have kids or be a sahm. But, you go with the flow. I don't really regret being a sahm. I'm looking for a job now that kids are older, and it is hard to find one as I am putting limits on where I want to work (I don't want a long commute).

OP - if there are no other red flags, I wouldn't necessarily dump him yet. However, he may have issues due to his father's abandonment. That would be a bigger concern, imo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So things have been getting serious with my BF. Dating 6 months, checks all the right boxes: handsome, intelligent, ambitious, hard worker, kind, etc. My parents and friends adore him. I really thought he was the one. Recently he told me that if he had children, he’d want the mother to quit working and be a SAHM full time. He said it means a lot to him as he had a less than stellar childhood (dad abandoned them, money issues, moved around a lot). Reading between the lines, I guess he wants a chance at a redo? Idk. I didn’t really understand the explanation fully but I do get the sense that it’s a deal breaker. It’s really thrown me though as I don’t see myself SAH.

He’s a great guy. Owns his own business, does well. Very good looking, fit, works out, has charming old fashioned values (opens the door, pays for dates, always calls or texts when he says he is going to, brings my mom flowers, treats his mom like gold, etc.). What to do? I’m 31. My career isn’t everything to me but it does give me an important sense of purpose and identity. Anyone else experience this? How did you handle it?

You must be kidding! If he makes enough to pull this off, why not! You are 31, you like him and based on your "gushy" note, he's a catch. Go with his plan. Work is not all it's cut out to be. Once the kids are grown, you could always go back to part-time or full-time work, I'm sure..

[Anonymous]

I don't usually get involved in these 'mama wars' threads, because I see both sides. It's obvious to me that kids do much better with a good (!) SAHP, but it's also obvious to me that not everyone can or wants to be that. And that's okay.

In this case, while I technically agree that it's more likely that the kids would do well with a SAHP, I think that the guy needs therapy. He has trauma and issues from his childhood that need to be resolved before even thinking about starting a family. You may come to the same realization, but it shouldn't come from a feeling of expectation and DESPERATION because he wants to avoid his past and his parents' mistakes. It should come from a reasonable thought process that involves thinking about the specific parties, their strenghts and weaknesses, desires, goals, etc.

I'd say it's a dealbreaker because it doesn't sound like he loves you and wants a family with YOU. It sounds like he has an idea in his head and is trying to find someone to fit into it. That would be a dealbreaker for me personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to him more about it. Maybe he thinks you'd like that and said that because he'd also like it but it isn't a deal breaker to him.

No I kind of freaked out. I said “are you joking? It’s not 1950.” And then he went on to explain about his dad abandoning them, as if that had anything to do with anything in the present. He basically said it’s really important to him and that’s where we left it.

This makes me wonder if he has really worked through what happened in his childhood because he seems to still be controlled by it. I know that some will disagree with me but I would prefer marrying someone who had worked with a therapist and moved beyond his childhood. (Big issue for me with dh is that he hasn't done the therapy he needed to deal with having been bullied in school and sometimes he overreacts to perceived (or real) slights as if he were still a victim.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he make enough to support a family? Most guys don't, so this conversation is a non starter.

He does actually, I don’t know specifics regarding #s but, considering where he lives, what kind of car he drives, his hobbies, etc., I think he makes what I consider to be a lot of money (I would guess high six figures).

That’s also why his staying at home is a total non starter. He owns and runs his own successful business. He’s not going to give that up.

On another note, before you marry him make sure that he isn't deeply in debt and hiding it from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to him more about it. Maybe he thinks you'd like that and said that because he'd also like it but it isn't a deal breaker to him.

No I kind of freaked out. I said “are you joking? It’s not 1950.” And then he went on to explain about his dad abandoning them, as if that had anything to do with anything in the present. He basically said it’s really important to him and that’s where we left it.

Has he been to therapy ever?

OP here. Not that I know of. We're still getting to know each other though so maybe he has been and it just hasn't come up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he make enough to support a family? Most guys don't, so this conversation is a non starter.

He does actually, I don’t know specifics regarding #s but, considering where he lives, what kind of car he drives, his hobbies, etc., I think he makes what I consider to be a lot of money (I would guess high six figures).

That’s also why his staying at home is a total non starter. He owns and runs his own successful business. He’s not going to give that up.

Basically, he is saying that he wants any future kids to be taken care of by a parent and he is willing to support that financially and emotionally. Sounds reasonable to me.
I am on the other side of this so consider the perspective.
Never thought I would SAH and then I had a baby-dh and I worked out a schedule. I worked pt and he had his own business and took care of our daughter (now a college freshman) when I was working. When we had baby #2 and then #3, I stayed home for a few years. Best years.
Back at work now and miss those days. Don't knock it until you tried it but let him know that you are not sure how motherhood will play out for you.
And we are not a super high HHI family.

Different poster here. I applaud you and your dh working this out. But the difference is that you worked it out together. OP's guy sounds like he wants to dictate the terms.

[Anonymous]

Who knows what you'll think after becoming a mother. I wouldn't write off being SAHM just yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman who thought would never want to stay at home with my kids. Then I had one, and I could totally see how kids benefit from having a mom who stays at home. I would not break up with him over this. You really don't know how you will feel until you have the kids.

But what if she doesn't change her mind? They would be in a bad situation then. I'm assuming your DH would have been fine with your WOH also. She needs to make sure he can be happy with whatever choice she makes. I have male friends who would not be happy with a wife who was a WOHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be most worried that he sees kids as his chance to relive his childhood. Any actual kids won't cooperate with that fantasy.

Oh come on!!!! You are grasping and you know it.

That is OP's interpretation of what he wants. And every single one of us wanted our kids to have better childhoods than we had. I see absolutely nothing wrong with what this guys is saying.

When a woman on DCUM tries to defend her SAH status all of you chime in to support her, but a guy can't voice his preference for this.

Of course he can and should voice his preferences. But he doesn't seem like he's open to negotiation. If it's a dealbreaker for him, then the relationship with OP is over.

Yes. But that still doesn't address his explanation, which is terrible - he had a bad childhood and having a SAHW will somehow fix that? I don't know his life, but I do that it wasn't the only/main problem if it was that bad.

And I don't want my kids to have a "better" childhood than me. My parents were/are awesome, so I'd be thrilled if my kids get the same as me. People trying to deal with the past through the own kids never works out. Their parents were too strict, so they wind up being too lenient, or the opposite. Deal with your past on your own time, and then parent your kids. The linkage is, or should be, concerning.

Then you are one of very few lucky ones. The rest of us who did not have such peachy childhoods, do expect, work for and make better for our kids. It really is okay.

[Anonymous]

OP I've kind of been in this situation but there were some important differences.

First, my husband had a good childhood that he was probably trying to replicate, which I think is a little different from trying to create a chance for a redo. He had a traditional upbringing, religious background, SAHM, Catholic school k-12, etc. So it was his idea that I SAH and it was something he really wanted me to do.

I was willing to try because a.) I hated my job at the time and b.) I did go back to it for a while and he was fine with that. He also sounds like your boyfriend in that he's a high earner, ambitious and hard working, also owns his own business, etc. So he works a lot and we have a pretty traditional breakdown along gender lines.

It works for now. I've really enjoyed being at home with the kids and it's nice to know that he appreciates what I do. He tells me all the time.