Unfaithful Spouse, how did you get over affair and save your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Its interesting, I cheated, my spouse doesn't want to divorce but doesn't want to go to counseling to work on the problems in our marriage, and doesn't want to have sex, so we are stuck till I get the courage to divorce.

It’s really not your spouse’s responsibility to fix the marriage, and infidelity experts agree that marriage counseling after cheating is not the first step. The cheater needs individual counseling to figure out how they are “broken” - why was cheating ok and how was it rationalized? A bad marriage does not cause cheating, and just you thinking that is the problem says so much about you. You and your spouse were in the same marriage with the same problems? Did she cheat? Why didn’t you suggest counseling before cheating? Of course she does not want to sleep with you! Have you shown any remorse? Not regret for getting caught, but real remorse for the extreme pain you caused. What steps have you taken to heal your spouse, because your marriage can’t be fixed unless you do that? Healing a marriage from infidelity takes years. You can’t just rugsweep what you did and the trauma it caused. You really need therapy to examine your own issues.

So much of this rings true ...

"You and your spouse were in the same marriage with the same problems? Did she cheat? " -- Valid question. Only one of you chose infidelity as a solution. That's the broken person here who needs counseling.

" Have you shown any remorse? Not regret for getting caught, but real remorse for the extreme pain you caused." -- "extreme pain" doesn't even begin to capture the feeling after you find out you have been cheated on.

Marriage counseling immediately after an affair is a waste of $ and time. Both should do individual counseling for some time, particularly the cheater before they can even begin to work on the marriage. Gottman method is a joke and harmful to the betrayed.

[Anonymous]

Gottman method encouraged my cheater spouse. It did more harm to our marriage than good. I would avoid any couples therapist which used this method which is the trend these days.

I agree no joint couples therapy until cheater has extensive individual treatment, as well as the betrayed.

I would adamantly refuse it if cheater spouse asked initially.

[Anonymous]

Male cheaters should not have a female therapist. Omg. My good-looking Don Draper husband charmed the hell out of this PhD psychologist. She was giddy when I talked to her on the phone. It was comical how he pulled one over on her. I have seen him charm a stone into liquid.

He moved to a 68-year old man that doesn’t tolerate his bullsh@t.

Something also to think about.

[Anonymous]

I had the opposite experience regarding the Gottman principles, so it may not be Gottman itself at issue. My feeling about it was that if you are (as we were) committed to staying together, it at least is helpful to minimize the day-to-day toxicity that Gottman addresses very well.

But don't delude yourself; Gottman-based couples therapy doesn't address the underlying issues regarding your character.

OP, you fundamentally have to decide whether you care about living a life in which what you say you are doing and what you are actually doing (and what you say you have done, and what you have actually done) are the same.

If you don't prioritize this you may be able to do almost anything to keep a marriage together. If you do prioritize it you may find that it is intolerable to keep up the lie over the long term.

Some of the wayward spouses posting here to say that they did, or you should, never tell are living at a profound level of dissociation from their own actions. For some people that is comfortable--even preferable. For others it is completely unmanageable. You're the only one who knows, or can say, which you are.

I also got a postnup and in your shoes I would be prepared to offer one.

[Anonymous]

If it was a long term affair, I don’t think you do get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gottman method encouraged my cheater spouse. It did more harm to our marriage than good. I would avoid any couples therapist which used this method which is the trend these days.

I agree no joint couples therapy until cheater has extensive individual treatment, as well as the betrayed.

I would adamantly refuse it if cheater spouse asked initially.

Agree on couples therapy. I went with my ex after she fessed up about her AP. Therapy became crying sessions on her part b/c she knew she was at fault - didn't blame me and the therapy really was about understanding the why. I did not have to be there for it. My ex did feel remorse but really didn't try to repair the damage. I did a 180 after the AP was outed and she interpreted that as "not caring" and she stopped trying. I couldn't believe at the lack of care on her part. Welp, FFWD many wasted months later and I had had enough. At the end of the day, I chose not to do the heavy lifting in the reconciliation - we were not going to survive if I had done so. She needed to do it and did not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its interesting, I cheated, my spouse doesn't want to divorce but doesn't want to go to counseling to work on the problems in our marriage, and doesn't want to have sex, so we are stuck till I get the courage to divorce.

Your spouse should demand a post-nuptial agreement outline exactly what they are entitled to in a divorce. It’s the only way I could start working on things after my spouse’s huge betrayal. I was having sex with him 3-4 times per week prior to discovering his affair. I was unwilling to work with somebody who could do it again to me down the road. The affair nearly killed me and my health.

Now at least I get the other house, half of the one we currently live in, alimony/child support and 1/2 his retirement. I also have my own career, health benefits and my own retirement so I will do well. He also is in intensive individual therapy, got a vasectomy, regular STD tests every 3 months, total accountability, etc.

It’s near impossible to get over a multi-year affair. At least I made sure to cover my ass before trying to trust again. It gives me peace of mind and him incentive. He did all of those things on his own accord because he didn’t want to lose me.

Seriously, this should be the SOP for any spouse of a cheating husband. This is so smart on so many fronts: financially, accountability wise, mentally. This is awesome. Only thing is this may work for the short term but wonder if the agreement is good enough for you in the long term (e.g. you don't discover cheating for another 5-10 years). Not sure if there's a way to structure pre-nup differently but just a thought.

It's a post-nup, not a pre-nup. And, I'm not making anything dependent on discovering infidelity because I've seen how hard it was to know it was happening. He could choose to just walk out when kids hit college and pretend to go along for now. I covered all of my bases.

Seriously, this is smart. You're taking control of your life. Good thinking.

[Anonymous]

^Gottman does not touch at all on narcissism, personality disorders or childhood traumas as motives for cheating.

It’s a complete waste until a cheater with any of those issues gets intensive individual therapy FIRST.

We made the mistake of doing it and the counselor never lifted under the hood. It was a band-aid which ultimately just gave him motivation to go deeper underground and in a way he felt validated.

Therapy when done poorly has dire consequences.

I am a biochemist, that works in theoretical research so I have trouble trusting in psychology in general. It’s not chemistry, physics or such— more like astronomy or witchcraft and when done wrong it is very damaging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it was a long term affair, I don’t think you do get over it.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Male cheaters should not have a female therapist. Omg. My good-looking Don Draper husband charmed the hell out of this PhD psychologist. She was giddy when I talked to her on the phone. It was comical how he pulled one over on her. I have seen him charm a stone into liquid.

He moved to a 68-year old man that doesn’t tolerate his bullsh@t.

Something also to think about.

Ha! Glad you got him a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had the opposite experience regarding the Gottman principles, so it may not be Gottman itself at issue. My feeling about it was that if you are (as we were) committed to staying together, it at least is helpful to minimize the day-to-day toxicity that Gottman addresses very well.

But don't delude yourself; Gottman-based couples therapy doesn't address the underlying issues regarding your character.

OP, you fundamentally have to decide whether you care about living a life in which what you say you are doing and what you are actually doing (and what you say you have done, and what you have actually done) are the same.

If you don't prioritize this you may be able to do almost anything to keep a marriage together. If you do prioritize it you may find that it is intolerable to keep up the lie over the long term.

Some of the wayward spouses posting here to say that they did, or you should, never tell are living at a profound level of dissociation from their own actions. For some people that is comfortable--even preferable. For others it is completely unmanageable. You're the only one who knows, or can say, which you are.

I also got a postnup and in your shoes I would be prepared to offer one.

Do you have advice for somebody to draft the post-nup? This is advice nobody ever mentions. The betrayed would be better off investing in this stuff than hocus pocus therapy where it’s next to impossible tin find a good, legit therapist.

[Anonymous]

Reading through all these posts and the other thread about cheaters made me realize these all are “stunted individuals” that never fully developed. It sounds like we are discussing teens and not grown-@ss 30-60 year old ADULTS.

Cheaters are pathetic.

[Anonymous]

I likened it to two teenagers out to play while the adults are back home handling real life- kids, jobs, meals, carpool. Selfish is what comes to mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I likened it to two teenagers out to play while the adults are back home handling real life- kids, jobs, meals, carpool. Selfish is what comes to mind.

Ha! When they get caught they certainly react like teenagers. Though frankly my 17-years displays more maturity and accepts consequences for his actions than my spouse.

[Anonymous]

It’s hard to have any level of respect for somebody that behaves that way. I look down with indifference and pity at both of them.