Unfaithful Spouse, how did you get over affair and save your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had the opposite experience regarding the Gottman principles, so it may not be Gottman itself at issue. My feeling about it was that if you are (as we were) committed to staying together, it at least is helpful to minimize the day-to-day toxicity that Gottman addresses very well.

But don't delude yourself; Gottman-based couples therapy doesn't address the underlying issues regarding your character.

OP, you fundamentally have to decide whether you care about living a life in which what you say you are doing and what you are actually doing (and what you say you have done, and what you have actually done) are the same.

If you don't prioritize this you may be able to do almost anything to keep a marriage together. If you do prioritize it you may find that it is intolerable to keep up the lie over the long term.

Some of the wayward spouses posting here to say that they did, or you should, never tell are living at a profound level of dissociation from their own actions. For some people that is comfortable--even preferable. For others it is completely unmanageable. You're the only one who knows, or can say, which you are.

I also got a postnup and in your shoes I would be prepared to offer one.

Do you have advice for somebody to draft the post-nup? This is advice nobody ever mentions. The betrayed would be better off investing in this stuff than hocus pocus therapy where it’s next to impossible tin find a good, legit therapist.

In this area, Zamani and Associates: https://www.zamaniassociates.com

Unlike in your estate planning, you can't be represented by the same attorneys in a postnup negotiation. You have separate interests and you will both need attorneys. There are requirements having to do with disclosure of assets and the elements of the postnup contract and you need an attorney who has done a lot of them (and seen them litigated about) to do this correctly.

It is not a quick fix--my experience was that given how formidable a process it is, I had to really decide to remain married in the first place before getting into the postnup discussion.

This may not be useful for the OP because s/he is the cheater. But as the person who was cheated on, the postnup gave me a sense of safety that has enabled me to re-engage fully and move on. (In our case, the assets that could have been declared "marital" were disproportionately the result of my work for pay and my fear of losing them if my spouse cheated again was very paralyzing; this may not be as big a deal if you feel that the accounting of "marital" assets 50/50 would pretty much reflect the burden of work in the marriage anyway.)

Note that you can't negotiate anything having to do with custody or child support in a postnup.

[Anonymous]

^thanks so much!!

[Anonymous]

Bummer. They looked good. I’m actually in VA. They practice only in DC/MD. Anyone else?

Thanks in advance!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bummer. They looked good. I’m actually in VA. They practice only in DC/MD. Anyone else?

Thanks in advance!!

I'd call and ask them who they would recommend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Its interesting, I cheated, my spouse doesn't want to divorce but doesn't want to go to counseling to work on the problems in our marriage, and doesn't want to have sex, so we are stuck till I get the courage to divorce.

It’s really not your spouse’s responsibility to fix the marriage, and infidelity experts agree that marriage counseling after cheating is not the first step. The cheater needs individual counseling to figure out how they are “broken” - why was cheating ok and how was it rationalized? A bad marriage does not cause cheating, and just you thinking that is the problem says so much about you. You and your spouse were in the same marriage with the same problems? Did she cheat? Why didn’t you suggest counseling before cheating? Of course she does not want to sleep with you! Have you shown any remorse? Not regret for getting caught, but real remorse for the extreme pain you caused. What steps have you taken to heal your spouse, because your marriage can’t be fixed unless you do that? Healing a marriage from infidelity takes years. You can’t just rugsweep what you did and the trauma it caused. You really need therapy to examine your own issues.

I somewhat agree with you, to a point. The cheating was my fault, I take responsibility. I need to examine this, for sure.

But spouse cut me off from intimacy. I tried over and over to fix that. If that doesn't change, there is no marriage, and no marriage to save. So it's not always evil cheater vs. saint spouse. My guess is most affairs, like most divorces, are rarely just one broken person in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Cheating is NEVER the answer. Never. Op - you suck. I hope he finds somebody better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Its interesting, I cheated, my spouse doesn't want to divorce but doesn't want to go to counseling to work on the problems in our marriage, and doesn't want to have sex, so we are stuck till I get the courage to divorce.

It’s really not your spouse’s responsibility to fix the marriage, and infidelity experts agree that marriage counseling after cheating is not the first step. The cheater needs individual counseling to figure out how they are “broken” - why was cheating ok and how was it rationalized? A bad marriage does not cause cheating, and just you thinking that is the problem says so much about you. You and your spouse were in the same marriage with the same problems? Did she cheat? Why didn’t you suggest counseling before cheating? Of course she does not want to sleep with you! Have you shown any remorse? Not regret for getting caught, but real remorse for the extreme pain you caused. What steps have you taken to heal your spouse, because your marriage can’t be fixed unless you do that? Healing a marriage from infidelity takes years. You can’t just rugsweep what you did and the trauma it caused. You really need therapy to examine your own issues.

I somewhat agree with you, to a point. The cheating was my fault, I take responsibility. I need to examine this, for sure.

But spouse cut me off from intimacy. I tried over and over to fix that. If that doesn't change, there is no marriage, and no marriage to save. So it's not always evil cheater vs. saint spouse. My guess is most affairs, like most divorces, are rarely just one broken person in the marriage.

So you know that there are other options but they require time/effort and so not the easiest route. So saying cheating is because of x or y isn’t the truth and I can see the logic in bad cheater perception. It’s a you issue and you have to address that first. That is why individual counseling first makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Its interesting, I cheated, my spouse doesn't want to divorce but doesn't want to go to counseling to work on the problems in our marriage, and doesn't want to have sex, so we are stuck till I get the courage to divorce.

It’s really not your spouse’s responsibility to fix the marriage, and infidelity experts agree that marriage counseling after cheating is not the first step. The cheater needs individual counseling to figure out how they are “broken” - why was cheating ok and how was it rationalized? A bad marriage does not cause cheating, and just you thinking that is the problem says so much about you. You and your spouse were in the same marriage with the same problems? Did she cheat? Why didn’t you suggest counseling before cheating? Of course she does not want to sleep with you! Have you shown any remorse? Not regret for getting caught, but real remorse for the extreme pain you caused. What steps have you taken to heal your spouse, because your marriage can’t be fixed unless you do that? Healing a marriage from infidelity takes years. You can’t just rugsweep what you did and the trauma it caused. You really need therapy to examine your own issues.

I somewhat agree with you, to a point. The cheating was my fault, I take responsibility. I need to examine this, for sure.

But spouse cut me off from intimacy. I tried over and over to fix that. If that doesn't change, there is no marriage, and no marriage to save. So it's not always evil cheater vs. saint spouse. My guess is most affairs, like most divorces, are rarely just one broken person in the marriage.

So you know that there are other options but they require time/effort and so not the easiest route. So saying cheating is because of x or y isn’t the truth and I can see the logic in bad cheater perception. It’s a you issue and you have to address that first. That is why individual counseling first makes sense.

I went to many therapists over the years and they condoned cheating. Very few will stand up and tell you that you are making a huge mistake and dig deep into the reasons why. Yes, they are probably bad therapists but they are only hearing one side of the story. It led me down a very dark path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Custody shouldn’t matter. This plan looks like it will be in place until the kids are 18. She toughs it out. By then they are adults.

So, custody won’t be in post-nup and it seems irrelevant in this situation.

A post-nup makes a divorce down the road very easy and much simpler. The terms have been primarily worked out without the significant expense of divorce attorneys.

This woman is a smart, tough cookie. Not a victim. I love her.

If custody doesn't matter, neither does child support. Are you going to collect child support and alimony within an intact marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My affair ended and then years later my AP contacted my spouse to confess and explain all the details. My spouse is not talking to me, angry and depressed, refuses counseling and seems to not care if I go to counseling individually. I don’t think either of us wants to break up, we have young kids and a fine marriage, but don’t know how to move forward. Is it better for kids to see the distance between us, or better to split and find happiness again?

Bravo!

That’s my plan as well. I’m too emotional and the whore wrecked my world.

Once I heal and get my act together I will provide her husband with all of the nasty details.

Hahaha! You’ll be in pain forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Its interesting, I cheated, my spouse doesn't want to divorce but doesn't want to go to counseling to work on the problems in our marriage, and doesn't want to have sex, so we are stuck till I get the courage to divorce.

It’s really not your spouse’s responsibility to fix the marriage, and infidelity experts agree that marriage counseling after cheating is not the first step. The cheater needs individual counseling to figure out how they are “broken” - why was cheating ok and how was it rationalized? A bad marriage does not cause cheating, and just you thinking that is the problem says so much about you. You and your spouse were in the same marriage with the same problems? Did she cheat? Why didn’t you suggest counseling before cheating? Of course she does not want to sleep with you! Have you shown any remorse? Not regret for getting caught, but real remorse for the extreme pain you caused. What steps have you taken to heal your spouse, because your marriage can’t be fixed unless you do that? Healing a marriage from infidelity takes years. You can’t just rugsweep what you did and the trauma it caused. You really need therapy to examine your own issues.

I somewhat agree with you, to a point. The cheating was my fault, I take responsibility. I need to examine this, for sure.

But spouse cut me off from intimacy. I tried over and over to fix that. If that doesn't change, there is no marriage, and no marriage to save. So it's not always evil cheater vs. saint spouse. My guess is most affairs, like most divorces, are rarely just one broken person in the marriage.

So you know that there are other options but they require time/effort and so not the easiest route. So saying cheating is because of x or y isn’t the truth and I can see the logic in bad cheater perception. It’s a you issue and you have to address that first. That is why individual counseling first makes sense.

I went to many therapists over the years and they condoned cheating. Very few will stand up and tell you that you are making a huge mistake and dig deep into the reasons why. Yes, they are probably bad therapists but they are only hearing one side of the story. It led me down a very dark path.

OK so here it is: It's you issue you need to figure out and so find someone willing to help, not those therapists who won't. Good for you that you want to make it better for yourself. Do you have the commitment to see it through and not blame your wife/marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My affair ended and then years later my AP contacted my spouse to confess and explain all the details. My spouse is not talking to me, angry and depressed, refuses counseling and seems to not care if I go to counseling individually. I don’t think either of us wants to break up, we have young kids and a fine marriage, but don’t know how to move forward. Is it better for kids to see the distance between us, or better to split and find happiness again?

Bravo!

That’s my plan as well. I’m too emotional and the whore wrecked my world.

Once I heal and get my act together I will provide her husband with all of the nasty details.

Hahaha! You’ll be in pain forever.

You think that funny? What the f@ck is wrong with you? Obviously- a whore AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Its interesting, I cheated, my spouse doesn't want to divorce but doesn't want to go to counseling to work on the problems in our marriage, and doesn't want to have sex, so we are stuck till I get the courage to divorce.

It’s really not your spouse’s responsibility to fix the marriage, and infidelity experts agree that marriage counseling after cheating is not the first step. The cheater needs individual counseling to figure out how they are “broken” - why was cheating ok and how was it rationalized? A bad marriage does not cause cheating, and just you thinking that is the problem says so much about you. You and your spouse were in the same marriage with the same problems? Did she cheat? Why didn’t you suggest counseling before cheating? Of course she does not want to sleep with you! Have you shown any remorse? Not regret for getting caught, but real remorse for the extreme pain you caused. What steps have you taken to heal your spouse, because your marriage can’t be fixed unless you do that? Healing a marriage from infidelity takes years. You can’t just rugsweep what you did and the trauma it caused. You really need therapy to examine your own issues.

I somewhat agree with you, to a point. The cheating was my fault, I take responsibility. I need to examine this, for sure.

But spouse cut me off from intimacy. I tried over and over to fix that. If that doesn't change, there is no marriage, and no marriage to save. So it's not always evil cheater vs. saint spouse. My guess is most affairs, like most divorces, are rarely just one broken person in the marriage.

So you know that there are other options but they require time/effort and so not the easiest route. So saying cheating is because of x or y isn’t the truth and I can see the logic in bad cheater perception. It’s a you issue and you have to address that first. That is why individual counseling first makes sense.

I went to many therapists over the years and they condoned cheating. Very few will stand up and tell you that you are making a huge mistake and dig deep into the reasons why. Yes, they are probably bad therapists but they are only hearing one side of the story. It led me down a very dark path.

OK so here it is: It's you issue you need to figure out and so find someone willing to help, not those therapists who won't. Good for you that you want to make it better for yourself. Do you have the commitment to see it through and not blame your wife/marriage?

OP is a woman, not a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Custody shouldn’t matter. This plan looks like it will be in place until the kids are 18. She toughs it out. By then they are adults.

So, custody won’t be in post-nup and it seems irrelevant in this situation.

A post-nup makes a divorce down the road very easy and much simpler. The terms have been primarily worked out without the significant expense of divorce attorneys.

This woman is a smart, tough cookie. Not a victim. I love her.

If custody doesn't matter, neither does child support. Are you going to collect child support and alimony within an intact marriage?

She said they have 2 houses and she is getting one in full and 1/2 current house net worth in post-nup agreement.

If she is in an intact marriage they are sharing assets/$ and a post-nip requires disclosure of all financials.

So child support is irrelevant unless they divorce before last kid is 18 and then a divorce settlement would decide child support/alimony.

The post-nup agreement is part of the divorce settlement, not the entirety of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Its interesting, I cheated, my spouse doesn't want to divorce but doesn't want to go to counseling to work on the problems in our marriage, and doesn't want to have sex, so we are stuck till I get the courage to divorce.

It’s really not your spouse’s responsibility to fix the marriage, and infidelity experts agree that marriage counseling after cheating is not the first step. The cheater needs individual counseling to figure out how they are “broken” - why was cheating ok and how was it rationalized? A bad marriage does not cause cheating, and just you thinking that is the problem says so much about you. You and your spouse were in the same marriage with the same problems? Did she cheat? Why didn’t you suggest counseling before cheating? Of course she does not want to sleep with you! Have you shown any remorse? Not regret for getting caught, but real remorse for the extreme pain you caused. What steps have you taken to heal your spouse, because your marriage can’t be fixed unless you do that? Healing a marriage from infidelity takes years. You can’t just rugsweep what you did and the trauma it caused. You really need therapy to examine your own issues.

I somewhat agree with you, to a point. The cheating was my fault, I take responsibility. I need to examine this, for sure.

But spouse cut me off from intimacy. I tried over and over to fix that. If that doesn't change, there is no marriage, and no marriage to save. So it's not always evil cheater vs. saint spouse. My guess is most affairs, like most divorces, are rarely just one broken person in the marriage.

So you know that there are other options but they require time/effort and so not the easiest route. So saying cheating is because of x or y isn’t the truth and I can see the logic in bad cheater perception. It’s a you issue and you have to address that first. That is why individual counseling first makes sense.

I went to many therapists over the years and they condoned cheating. Very few will stand up and tell you that you are making a huge mistake and dig deep into the reasons why. Yes, they are probably bad therapists but they are only hearing one side of the story. It led me down a very dark path.

Most therapists have zero morality. They asked my cheating husband- how do you define morality?

Yes. Let’s have a pathological lying narcissist set the rules for morality.