Unfaithful Spouse, how did you get over affair and save your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing is if you ended up with the AP it wouldn't work. You would have to pay bills together, and he wouldn't like your child like you think. I see it with people in their 50's with the grand-kids. Divorce is often unavoidable, but it does mess up the family unit. I guess it depends on how much one values their kids. fyi I know many couples and most 2nd marriages are worse. Steps, halves, exes, ex-inlaws and the whole 9 yards destroys those relationships. Holidays are complicated with mixed families you don't want to spend time with.

This ^^
I hate Christmas at my Mom's house with my "new" family. This is my second stepfamily and it's a hot mess. Never doing this to my kids.

This is a large part of why I stayed in my marriage. Spouse at the very least lied repeatedly. Never admitted to infidelity but I have strong reason to believe it happened. But, despite loving but not liking my spouse at the time, I went to marriage therapy & gritted my teeth & stayed in there. And, relevant for OP, I am now in a totally different place. Like *and* love my spouse. Sometimes you just have to have real commitment to making something happen. I don't know if you could get the same urgency for change tho if *your* spouse doesn't know the situation like you do. In our case, my spouse was repentant & really committed to change, & it took years. We both had the unpleasant memory of how painful it was to almost split. I'm not sure your spouse knows how damaged your marriage is if you don't come clean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I pretended.
But in all honesty I'm not over my ap. I'm not into this marriage, and we'd probably be better off divorced (from a love standpoint). But, we are good parents, get along OK (unless he realizes I really don't like him), and have regular sex. So. That. I'm just existing for now.

I'd rather be married to you than my wife who apparently loves me but doesn't want to have sex. Your arrangement doesn't sound that bad.

I aim for 1-2x a week to keep each of us satisfied. Sorry about your wife. I do love DH to some extent. I just am definitely not in love with him.

Hmmm Almost feels like this is my DW talking

Do you like pina coladas?

[Anonymous]

This is a large part of why I stayed in my marriage. Spouse at the very least lied repeatedly. Never admitted to infidelity but I have strong reason to believe it happened. But, despite loving but not liking my spouse at the time, I went to marriage therapy & gritted my teeth & stayed in there. And, relevant for OP, I am now in a totally different place. Like *and* love my spouse. Sometimes you just have to have real commitment to making something happen. I don't know if you could get the same urgency for change tho if *your* spouse doesn't know the situation like you do. In our case, my spouse was repentant & really committed to change, & it took years. We both had the unpleasant memory of how painful it was to almost split. I'm not sure your spouse knows how damaged your marriage is if you don't come clean.

Us too....only in coming very close to the edge for real, of separating, did we pivot and recommit. But it was both of us.

[Anonymous]

How did you determine that you really want to save it? If you actually connected with someone else who is indeed a better match (usually not the case but it happens), can you live with staying with your spouse for the rest of your life, which could be 30 or more years? I think most people who cheat are unhappy-- unhappy enough to put their overall life security in harm's way and lose their homes, full custody, respect of family members and friends, even jobs? I mean, that's a lot to put on the line for someone you are lukewarm about? So, you cheat, your spouse finds out, and then you tell your spouse, well, I really don't care about the AP anyway? I'd say, you put us through all of that for someone you don't even have strong feelings for?

[Anonymous]

3 different therapist told me men cheat with people beneath them. Not as good as their wives.

It was true in our case, but it didn’t matter.

I won’t stay married to a cheater. He begged, cried, pleaded, etc. he said he never loved her, didn’t respect her and she was the same age as me, much lees attractive and not successful. He told her he would never leave me, but she fell in love with him.

I divorced him. He has never remarried and broke up with her right before I discovered the affair anyway.

His friends tell me he is miserable. Too bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you determine that you really want to save it? If you actually connected with someone else who is indeed a better match (usually not the case but it happens), can you live with staying with your spouse for the rest of your life, which could be 30 or more years? I think most people who cheat are unhappy-- unhappy enough to put their overall life security in harm's way and lose their homes, full custody, respect of family members and friends, even jobs? I mean, that's a lot to put on the line for someone you are lukewarm about? So, you cheat, your spouse finds out, and then you tell your spouse, well, I really don't care about the AP anyway? I'd say, you put us through all of that for someone you don't even have strong feelings for?

I don't know if it is true that all who cheat are unhappy in their marriage. Some just want excitement of new, some it's opportunity. Also if you are in an affair, everything looks good for the new and less attractive for the old which just makes sense since there has been nothing but good experience with new. Often, past is re-written so that it seems like the old relationship was not good so that your mind can justify cheating. There's a lot to think through and it's not the superficial "feelings" that will get you to a real answer. It will require a good therapist but those are sort of hard to find.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 different therapist told me men cheat with people beneath them. Not as good as their wives.

It was true in our case, but it didn’t matter.

I won’t stay married to a cheater. He begged, cried, pleaded, etc. he said he never loved her, didn’t respect her and she was the same age as me, much lees attractive and not successful. He told her he would never leave me, but she fell in love with him.

I divorced him. He has never remarried and broke up with her right before I discovered the affair anyway.

His friends tell me he is miserable. Too bad.

It's true that men affair down but they marry up the second time. It's just a numbers game. The number of women who will agree to have sex without any commitment is small, and the number of married men competing for them are huge, so women willing to affair have their choice. The script flips if the man is single attractive, wealthy and has his act together, he is then in the minority with tons of women competing for him.

That's why he rarely leaves for his AP

[Anonymous]

^I can believe the above, but the second spouse will be cheated on too and that marriage has a 75-85% divorce rate whereas the first marriage is 40-50% divorce rate. It keeps going up from there.

The married women giving it away for free on Ashley Madison are ling in the tooth and not that attractive. I believe most men are affairing down on that website. They give away free memberships to women because there are such much much fewer in number willing to be used for sex. They are usually bored middle aged stay at home moms with nothing to do while their teens are in school.

The dude certainly isn’t blowing up his marriage over an average middle aged mom with kids and lots of baggage. He would dump her and get something fresh if his wife kicks him out.

[Anonymous]

*long in the tooth

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 different therapist told me men cheat with people beneath them. Not as good as their wives.

II put my toe in the land of cheaters, I was amazed at the women I was able to have sex with who were so far out of my league. And so far above my wife in looks, age, and most any other measure. I was with an author who was also a very public figure who testified before congress; the hot wife of a rock star, a diplomat's wife who traveled the world and was very wealthy.. I'll stop there. Once I learned, I went after the women who I knew were way out of my league. They weren't looking to take me out and introduce me. They just wanted good sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^I can believe the above, but the second spouse will be cheated on too and that marriage has a 75-85% divorce rate whereas the first marriage is 40-50% divorce rate. It keeps going up from there.

The married women giving it away for free on Ashley Madison are long in the tooth and not that attractive. I believe most men are affairing down on that website. They give away free memberships to women because there are such much much fewer in number willing to be used for sex. They are usually bored middle aged stay at home moms with nothing to do while their teens are in school.

The dude certainly isn’t blowing up his marriage over an average middle aged mom with kids and lots of baggage. He would dump her and get something fresh if his wife kicks him out.

You are talking out of your ass. Seriously, I know you want to believe this, and some of them are like the women on any dating site, or ...anywhere. But mostly they are a pretty good group. I've worked AM for over 10 years and I actually know what I'm talking about. Unlike you.

BTW, what is wrong with, "bored middle aged stay at home moms with nothing to do while their teens are in school." Yo say that like it's a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 different therapist told me men cheat with people beneath them. Not as good as their wives.

II put my toe in the land of cheaters, I was amazed at the women I was able to have sex with who were so far out of my league. And so far above my wife in looks, age, and most any other measure. I was with an author who was also a very public figure who testified before congress; the hot wife of a rock star, a diplomat's wife who traveled the world and was very wealthy.. I'll stop there. Once I learned, I went after the women who I knew were way out of my league. They weren't looking to take me out and introduce me. They just wanted good sex.

So what do you do that you meet these women? Also, you might be able to do so much better if you were single. Any thoughts on that front? I mean you’re a pretty cool guy so marry up in your second marriage. You are the dude. Who wouldn’t want to be like you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^I can believe the above, but the second spouse will be cheated on too and that marriage has a 75-85% divorce rate whereas the first marriage is 40-50% divorce rate. It keeps going up from there.

The married women giving it away for free on Ashley Madison are long in the tooth and not that attractive. I believe most men are affairing down on that website. They give away free memberships to women because there are such much much fewer in number willing to be used for sex. They are usually bored middle aged stay at home moms with nothing to do while their teens are in school.

The dude certainly isn’t blowing up his marriage over an average middle aged mom with kids and lots of baggage. He would dump her and get something fresh if his wife kicks him out.

You are talking out of your ass. Seriously, I know you want to believe this, and some of them are like the women on any dating site, or ...anywhere. But mostly they are a pretty good group. I've worked AM for over 10 years and I actually know what I'm talking about. Unlike you.

BTW, what is wrong with, "bored middle aged stay at home moms with nothing to do while their teens are in school." Yo say that like it's a bad thing.

When her husband is out making money to support her lazy @ss and she’s f@cking strange men in their bed or various hotels while he’s out working for HER, there is something very wrong. At least prostitutes are earning a living for spreading their legs. They add some productiveness to society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 different therapist told me men cheat with people beneath them. Not as good as their wives.

II put my toe in the land of cheaters, I was amazed at the women I was able to have sex with who were so far out of my league. And so far above my wife in looks, age, and most any other measure. I was with an author who was also a very public figure who testified before congress; the hot wife of a rock star, a diplomat's wife who traveled the world and was very wealthy.. I'll stop there. Once I learned, I went after the women who I knew were way out of my league. They weren't looking to take me out and introduce me. They just wanted good sex.

So what do you do that you meet these women? Also, you might be able to do so much better if you were single. Any thoughts on that front? I mean you’re a pretty cool guy so marry up in your second marriage. You are the dude. Who wouldn’t want to be like you?

He’s FOS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 different therapist told me men cheat with people beneath them. Not as good as their wives.

II put my toe in the land of cheaters, I was amazed at the women I was able to have sex with who were so far out of my league. And so far above my wife in looks, age, and most any other measure. I was with an author who was also a very public figure who testified before congress; the hot wife of a rock star, a diplomat's wife who traveled the world and was very wealthy.. I'll stop there. Once I learned, I went after the women who I knew were way out of my league. They weren't looking to take me out and introduce me. They just wanted good sex.

So what do you do that you meet these women? Also, you might be able to do so much better if you were single. Any thoughts on that front? I mean you’re a pretty cool guy so marry up in your second marriage. You are the dude. Who wouldn’t want to be like you?

He’s FOS.

Agreed. That's why I wrote that sarcastic post about him being the cool guy.