Unfaithful Spouse, how did you get over affair and save your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Why would you want to ruin someone’s life like that? Both of them and their kids.

The betrayed spouse is not the one ruining g lives - that’s complete blame-shifting. Cheaters are the ones who make the decisions to ruin families. When the betrayed spouse finds out, they should absolutely tell the other betrayed spouse. It’s a kindness. Everyone deserves to know the truth of their own marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the unlikely event that you stay together after your spouse finds out (an there is a good chance he or she will): Be prepared for years of bad emotional triggers and PTSD.

You and your AP went on a business trip to Boston? For the rest of spouse’s life, Boston will be a trigger. Certain items, places, events will be seared in your spouse’s mind and it be recurring pain. Yes this has happened to me. Yes, OP, you have inflicted that pain on your spouse. You want to stay together, that is not going away.

How long has it been? Has the pain lessened any for you? I am in the very early stages of this and it seems insurmountable.

In my case it was discovered in 2015. We came close to leaving but had young kids. There was counseling, things have improved but the triggers are all there and will be forever. He doesn't always realize or appreciate that. I'd say the fury has cooled to just a slow burning pain. We have good days and bad days but I am sad it will never be the way it was supposed to be.

[Anonymous]

Its interesting, I cheated, my spouse doesn't want to divorce but doesn't want to go to counseling to work on the problems in our marriage, and doesn't want to have sex, so we are stuck till I get the courage to divorce.

It’s really not your spouse’s responsibility to fix the marriage, and infidelity experts agree that marriage counseling after cheating is not the first step. The cheater needs individual counseling to figure out how they are “broken” - why was cheating ok and how was it rationalized? A bad marriage does not cause cheating, and just you thinking that is the problem says so much about you. You and your spouse were in the same marriage with the same problems? Did she cheat? Why didn’t you suggest counseling before cheating? Of course she does not want to sleep with you! Have you shown any remorse? Not regret for getting caught, but real remorse for the extreme pain you caused. What steps have you taken to heal your spouse, because your marriage can’t be fixed unless you do that? Healing a marriage from infidelity takes years. You can’t just rugsweep what you did and the trauma it caused. You really need therapy to examine your own issues.

[Anonymous]

^ and please excuse the assumption that you are a DH. The advice holds either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its interesting, I cheated, my spouse doesn't want to divorce but doesn't want to go to counseling to work on the problems in our marriage, and doesn't want to have sex, so we are stuck till I get the courage to divorce.

I think this is your attitude problem. You're equating cheating with problems in marriage. Cheating is you making selfish decisions. Of course she doesn't want to have sex with you right now. Go fix yourself first and figure out how not to cheat and if you're going to divorce her anyway, do it sooner rather than later so that she gets out earlier. Honestly, you are not made for marriage and should never get married again. This whole post speaks of someone who doesn't get it and knows he wants divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its interesting, I cheated, my spouse doesn't want to divorce but doesn't want to go to counseling to work on the problems in our marriage, and doesn't want to have sex, so we are stuck till I get the courage to divorce.

Your spouse should demand a post-nuptial agreement outline exactly what they are entitled to in a divorce. It’s the only way I could start working on things after my spouse’s huge betrayal. I was having sex with him 3-4 times per week prior to discovering his affair. I was unwilling to work with somebody who could do it again to me down the road. The affair nearly killed me and my health.

Now at least I get the other house, half of the one we currently live in, alimony/child support and 1/2 his retirement. I also have my own career, health benefits and my own retirement so I will do well. He also is in intensive individual therapy, got a vasectomy, regular STD tests every 3 months, total accountability, etc.

It’s near impossible to get over a multi-year affair. At least I made sure to cover my ass before trying to trust again. It gives me peace of mind and him incentive. He did all of those things on his own accord because he didn’t want to lose me.

Seriously, this should be the SOP for any spouse of a cheating husband. This is so smart on so many fronts: financially, accountability wise, mentally. This is awesome. Only thing is this may work for the short term but wonder if the agreement is good enough for you in the long term (e.g. you don't discover cheating for another 5-10 years). Not sure if there's a way to structure pre-nup differently but just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. I just found out. I have kids- 12 and 14 and don’t want to mess up their lives right now.

I came up with all the terms. I just discovered affair one month ago. He actually had started therapy on his own about 4 months ago because he was in over his head and spiraling down with double life. Therapist told me he was supremely motivated did not like AP. It was a self loathing childhood related thing.

I, at this point, am very angry and very disgusted. I was having frequent regular sex with him while he had unprotected sex with her.

He is entering all kinds of therapy, doing the post nup and vasectomy and right now cooking all meals and doing all the stuff with the kids.

I am a wreck. I have PTSD now and stomach ulcers.

I don’t know what the future holds. It’s only been 3.5 weeks. I kicked him out for 2. He’s back but we don’t share a bed. I cannot imagine having sex with him for god knows how long and have constant flashes of them having sex replaying in my mind. The lies and betrayal were awful.
He spilled everything. I pressed hard for every last detail. Then I had him call her on their preferred Skype Internet call which shows “unknown caller”. She picked up and when I said who I was she kept hanging up. Eventually I got her on the line for an hour and her version of events matched 100% to his. He did in fact break up with her—in a pretty explosive way. This was her second Ashley Madison affair as well. I feel for her husband and kids that have no idea who their mother/wife really is. She has no desire to change and was angry he started therapy four months ago. Piece of work.

I have eaves dropped on his call with therapist (I am entitled!! He lied to me for 4 years) and he is being honest with him.

I did talk to his mother and she’s as batshit crazy as ever and in denial. Wants to visit me and the grandkids she had zero interest in before.

So, people, this is what Ashley Madison does to families.

You cheaters all deserve to burn in hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the unlikely event that you stay together after your spouse finds out (an there is a good chance he or she will): Be prepared for years of bad emotional triggers and PTSD.

You and your AP went on a business trip to Boston? For the rest of spouse’s life, Boston will be a trigger. Certain items, places, events will be seared in your spouse’s mind and it be recurring pain. Yes this has happened to me. Yes, OP, you have inflicted that pain on your spouse. You want to stay together, that is not going away.

How long has it been? Has the pain lessened any for you? I am in the very early stages of this and it seems insurmountable.

In my case it was discovered in 2015. We came close to leaving but had young kids. There was counseling, things have improved but the triggers are all there and will be forever. He doesn't always realize or appreciate that. I'd say the fury has cooled to just a slow burning pain. We have good days and bad days but I am sad it will never be the way it was supposed to be.

I’m so sorry. I know this pain all too well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its interesting, I cheated, my spouse doesn't want to divorce but doesn't want to go to counseling to work on the problems in our marriage, and doesn't want to have sex, so we are stuck till I get the courage to divorce.

Your spouse should demand a post-nuptial agreement outline exactly what they are entitled to in a divorce. It’s the only way I could start working on things after my spouse’s huge betrayal. I was having sex with him 3-4 times per week prior to discovering his affair. I was unwilling to work with somebody who could do it again to me down the road. The affair nearly killed me and my health.

Now at least I get the other house, half of the one we currently live in, alimony/child support and 1/2 his retirement. I also have my own career, health benefits and my own retirement so I will do well. He also is in intensive individual therapy, got a vasectomy, regular STD tests every 3 months, total accountability, etc.

It’s near impossible to get over a multi-year affair. At least I made sure to cover my ass before trying to trust again. It gives me peace of mind and him incentive. He did all of those things on his own accord because he didn’t want to lose me.

Seriously, this should be the SOP for any spouse of a cheating husband. This is so smart on so many fronts: financially, accountability wise, mentally. This is awesome. Only thing is this may work for the short term but wonder if the agreement is good enough for you in the long term (e.g. you don't discover cheating for another 5-10 years). Not sure if there's a way to structure pre-nup differently but just a thought.

It's a post-nup, not a pre-nup. And, I'm not making anything dependent on discovering infidelity because I've seen how hard it was to know it was happening. He could choose to just walk out when kids hit college and pretend to go along for now. I covered all of my bases.

[Anonymous]

We already had a trust. I am also going through that with an attorney to make it iron clad so my kids will always get everything. Not some bastard kid or new wife 20 years down the road. If I learned anything this month, it’s that anything in life is possible.

I thank my parents daily for telling all of their children to always have their own source of income/career. Never give that up because you never know what can happen in life. This from a very happily married couple of 52+ years. I will tell my children the same.

I never would have imagined this, nor would anyone that knows him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I just found out. I have kids- 12 and 14 and don’t want to mess up their lives right now.

I came up with all the terms. I just discovered affair one month ago. He actually had started therapy on his own about 4 months ago because he was in over his head and spiraling down with double life. Therapist told me he was supremely motivated did not like AP. It was a self loathing childhood related thing.

I, at this point, am very angry and very disgusted. I was having frequent regular sex with him while he had unprotected sex with her.

He is entering all kinds of therapy, doing the post nup and vasectomy and right now cooking all meals and doing all the stuff with the kids.

I am a wreck. I have PTSD now and stomach ulcers.

I don’t know what the future holds. It’s only been 3.5 weeks. I kicked him out for 2. He’s back but we don’t share a bed. I cannot imagine having sex with him for god knows how long and have constant flashes of them having sex replaying in my mind. The lies and betrayal were awful.
He spilled everything. I pressed hard for every last detail. Then I had him call her on their preferred Skype Internet call which shows “unknown caller”. She picked up and when I said who I was she kept hanging up. Eventually I got her on the line for an hour and her version of events matched 100% to his. He did in fact break up with her—in a pretty explosive way. This was her second Ashley Madison affair as well. I feel for her husband and kids that have no idea who their mother/wife really is. She has no desire to change and was angry he started therapy four months ago. Piece of work.

I have eaves dropped on his call with therapist (I am entitled!! He lied to me for 4 years) and he is being honest with him.

I did talk to his mother and she’s as batshit crazy as ever and in denial. Wants to visit me and the grandkids she had zero interest in before.

So, people, this is what Ashley Madison does to families.

You cheaters all deserve to burn in hell.

It's just a web site. You could say the same thing for: cell phones, the internet in general, or any other form of communication. You could even blame the modern automobile, planes, and trains. They are all just, things. Those things don't do anything to families. They are just tools that make affairs more convenient. Don Draper didn't have a cell phone or the internet but her still did OK.

[Anonymous]

^ true. This one is just more blatant by actually advertising as “affairs for married people” vs just sex. It’s pretty sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Its interesting, I cheated, my spouse doesn't want to divorce but doesn't want to go to counseling to work on the problems in our marriage, and doesn't want to have sex, so we are stuck till I get the courage to divorce.

It’s really not your spouse’s responsibility to fix the marriage, and infidelity experts agree that marriage counseling after cheating is not the first step. The cheater needs individual counseling to figure out how they are “broken” - why was cheating ok and how was it rationalized? A bad marriage does not cause cheating, and just you thinking that is the problem says so much about you. You and your spouse were in the same marriage with the same problems? Did she cheat? Why didn’t you suggest counseling before cheating? Of course she does not want to sleep with you! Have you shown any remorse? Not regret for getting caught, but real remorse for the extreme pain you caused. What steps have you taken to heal your spouse, because your marriage can’t be fixed unless you do that? Healing a marriage from infidelity takes years. You can’t just rugsweep what you did and the trauma it caused. You really need therapy to examine your own issues.

So much of this rings true ...

"You and your spouse were in the same marriage with the same problems? Did she cheat? " -- Valid question. Only one of you chose infidelity as a solution. That's the broken person here who needs counseling.

" Have you shown any remorse? Not regret for getting caught, but real remorse for the extreme pain you caused." -- "extreme pain" doesn't even begin to capture the feeling after you find out you have been cheated on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its interesting, I cheated, my spouse doesn't want to divorce but doesn't want to go to counseling to work on the problems in our marriage, and doesn't want to have sex, so we are stuck till I get the courage to divorce.

Your spouse should demand a post-nuptial agreement outline exactly what they are entitled to in a divorce. It’s the only way I could start working on things after my spouse’s huge betrayal. I was having sex with him 3-4 times per week prior to discovering his affair. I was unwilling to work with somebody who could do it again to me down the road. The affair nearly killed me and my health.

Now at least I get the other house, half of the one we currently live in, alimony/child support and 1/2 his retirement. I also have my own career, health benefits and my own retirement so I will do well. He also is in intensive individual therapy, got a vasectomy, regular STD tests every 3 months, total accountability, etc.

It’s near impossible to get over a multi-year affair. At least I made sure to cover my ass before trying to trust again. It gives me peace of mind and him incentive. He did all of those things on his own accord because he didn’t want to lose me.

Wouldn't you have had all that anyway?

To the extent child support is related to custody, you cannot agree on custody in a post-nup. I mean you can write down anything you like, but it will not stand up in court. You can only agree on disposal of assets.

[Anonymous]

Custody shouldn’t matter. This plan looks like it will be in place until the kids are 18. She toughs it out. By then they are adults.

So, custody won’t be in post-nup and it seems irrelevant in this situation.

A post-nup makes a divorce down the road very easy and much simpler. The terms have been primarily worked out without the significant expense of divorce attorneys.

This woman is a smart, tough cookie. Not a victim. I love her.